Open Marriage

Jame 333

Hi i could do with some opinions , my wife of 22 years was at a party met a guy and spent the evening with him , she told me the next day that she now wants an open marriage where we share the house with our children I am to sleep in the guest room .I am devestated , and while we have had our problems , i lost my business , suffered depression and have been working 6 days a week for the past year , our sex life has been nonexistant for the past few years but i lived in hope.
If i didnt have children i would leave , i know that there would be no issue seeing them but i believe that kids do better where 2 parents are together .
Am i mad considering this option ( I don't think i could cope with my jealousy) or should i just go

chappy79x

going to cut straight to the point as kinda been there ,
DON T PACK YOUR BAGS , PACK HERS
if she wants out , she knows where the door is. I know ya feel two parents are better then one , but if there s going to be that much bad feeling and tension in the house its going to be ten times more harm full to the kids .

cgh

Hi Op,
you have a seriuos pickle here,
firstly you need to get your head together, im sure this is a bombshell of a shock, you may or may not have seen this coming.
it sounds like both you and your wife stopped trying in the marriage, you really need to talk to her about it. what she really wants and what you really want out of it now.
for starters i'd tell her to move to the spare room and that if she wants an open marriage that she can leave through the open door, thats my opinion on the matter.
if its looking like its too far gone then I highly suggest getting some legal advice from a solicitor and go from there.

Taltos

Better here OP.

Taltos

Emme

OP, tell your wife that you're happy with an open marriage and promptly move a hottie half her age into the house. OK, I'm joking but I'd love to know how she'd react if you told her you were doing that.

Seriously get legal advice and whatever you do don't move out of the house.

Walls

There are people who are drawn to open relationships, but as a rule they tend to end up with folks who think like them. What your wife is suggesting is in fact an end of your marriage in all but name, with you moving out to the guest room and her doing what she wants.

The problem here is that both of you have put a lot of other things in front of your marriage, intentionally or otherwise. You're now seeing the result. Your marriage hasn't been a support for either of you for a long time, and instead it now feels like a burden. Your wife has had a taste of life without that burden, and not surprisingly has no wish to do without happiness. You can see what a nightmare life is like without your marriage, or at least, are now willing to work on it more than you have been.

I think you and your wife don't just need counselling, you both need to rethink what kind of married life you want to have. It has been one long unrewarding slog for so long, that neither of you think of fun when you think of each other. If you want your marriage to survive, it is going to have to change, and you need to do that now. Yes, you've been broke, depressed and ignoring each other. But none of that needs to mean you can't save this. This is worth your energy, OP.

What kind of marriage would you like to have, ideally?

Ann84

Just to throw in my 2 cents on the kid's perspective.
As a child of a what i would consider now, sham marriage I would suggest you not use that as a reason to stay.
My parents marriage was over for as much of my childhood as I can remember and now as an adult, i realise this more.

My Dad now says he'd stayed for us, and I say I wish he hadnt. They eventually did seperate when I was a teenager but memories of my childhood are filled with tension, fighting, completely uneccessary anger (I didnt understand the adult frustrations going on at the time!) and general misery in the house.

Whatever you decide to do regarding your marriage, don't stay in a miserable tense situation 'for the sake of your kids', you are expecting them to live in that same miserable tense situation!

Best of luck,

Starokan

An open marriage can only work if both parties want it, you clearly dont so this is not an option.

She has cheated on you and thats wrong, regardless of the state of the marraige she could have handled this a lot better. Take back some control here, tell her you dont agree & if she wants that you are going to have to split up.

She may well agree to the split and if so you will have to move on, I would see a solicitor to discuss seperation options, the home etc.

Sorry your going through this

ElleEm

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

It doesn't really sound like an open marriage that she wants, it sounds like she wants a separation, allowing her to have an affair but to stay living together, possibly for the kids or for the financial reasons.

It also appears like your marriage was dead in the water a long time ago. You need to decide what you want from this, do you want to coexist with a woman who clearly has no respect for you? And despite what you think, your kids, however young/ old WILL sense something is wrong. They will feel tension and hear arguments and be affected by the negativity. If you are separated but both happy, then this will be better for the kids.

kylith

It sounds to me like she wants to have the fun of being single with the reliability of having you to a) mind the kids when she goes out and b) fall back on if other guys don't pan out. She wants to have her cake and eat it. There are a couple of things you could do like calling her bluff and acting like you're delighted with this open marriage and book yourself a date every day of the week, but it doesn't sound to me like that's the kind of relationship you want.

I don't know much about separation, so I would advise you to talk to a legal expert in that regard because that's the way I'd say this will go. If you stay you will have to watch the woman you, presumably, love getting dolled up to go out with other men. Do you really want that? It's not better for the kids for you to stay in the house if you're miserable because they will know and it will affect them. It's much better for kids to have two happy parents who live apart than two miserable parents who live together; trust me, I've seen what happens when someone stays 'for the sake of the kids' and it leads to a lot of strained relations and resentment on the kids' part.

My heart is broken for you, OP, it must feel like the bottom's fallen out of your world.

The Corinthian

LOL. So if a married man or woman goes out and sleeps with someone else, it's not cheating if you claim it's an 'open marriage'. Must remember that one.

As was said by others, an open marriage is something that is mutually agreed upon in any relationship, it should not be imposed. Also, as has been suggested, she's seeking an open marriage because it suits her at present - as such she doesn't want an open marriage, she just wants a marriage where she can sleep with other men, but retain her married lifestyle. It works for her now because she's the only one taking advantage of the open part, but I suspect, were you to take advantage of it too, you might find that she'd go cool on the idea pretty quickly.

So, honestly, I don't think an 'open marriage' would work under the present circumstances.

Also, why do you have to take the guest room? She's the one who cheated. She's the one who wants to sleep apart. She's the one who wants to redefine your marriage. Honestly I think it's up to her to make that sacrifice and sleep in the guest room.

I'm afraid your marriage could well be in its death-throws, in reality. I'd seek a few consultations (i.e. shop around) from different family law solicitors, if I were you, as things could suddenly escalate at any stage if this 'open marriage' idea doesn't work out (which I suspect it won't). I would also suggest couples counselling to her, to try to resolve those issues in your marriage that have led you both to this point.

All presuming you're willing to forgive her for her infidelity.

Stavro Mueller

I think this situation is going to take on a momentum of its own. Open Marriage is your wife's way of saying she wants to start seeing other men without pulling the rug out from under herself. Whether you like it or not, things are going to change drastically and you are in danger of losing control of the situation. I honestly can't see this marriage going anywhere but down the tubes unless your wife is willing to try and save it. And judging by what she did, I'd have my doubts.

On the sex life thing, why did that stop? Did your wife push you away?

I've got two good friends whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids and in both cases they wish they'd split up. Children/teenagers aren't stupid and they pick up on far more than you'd think. I doubt your children (teenagers?) are any different - I'd bet money that they know that all is not well between mum and dad. What do you think they are going to think when they see dad moving into the spare room? Or mum heading out by herself all dolled up?

I think from your perspective you should start getting legal advice. You've got a lot to lose here which isn't fair seeing as it's your wife who's cheating.

FestyOSemtex

See your solicitor, agree to a severance and pack her bags. There is no excuse for this kind of behaviour.

If I were you, i would just kick her out. Bitch deserves nothing.

chappy79x

First of all ya need to try and get your head together, and in my opinion that is going to be the biggest thing for you. Getting a handle on your depression will affect how things pan out for you . So easy to say , sooooo hard to do .

She has and is walking all over you cause she thinks and knows she can , my blood boils as i can just picture how she is acting . And while you can try to stand up to her and stand up for yourself , if your head is not right it won t work . A strong belief in yourself can not be faked , and can be clearly seen through

My advice , find someone you can trust , family friend whoever, and tell them all , second get yourself to a counselor to talk to to try and get a handle on your thoughts and how your feeling,
third , as the other guys have said , legal advice , and tell them everything , hold nothing back ,

I wish you all the best in this very hard time , there is no easy way out , but it will get better , not today or tomorrow but in time .

Jame 333

Thanks to everybody whom has posted a comment and thank you Taltos or moving this to personal issues

To Chappy79x initial reaction is to tell her to pack her bags and that is what I intend to do

To CGH yes we stopped or rather got distracted with a bigger plan ( joint )to kill mortgages and loans this required a lot of work , no spending which i did all the time while being moaned at about lack of cash / time , we now have come out the far end of this IE no loans/mortgages new larger house is functional but not complete , this was the plan and i put all my free time and effort into this. I will show her the door if she continues to want an open relationship.

To Emme, the only hotties i know are in my fantasy where they would have to take second place to my wife.

To Walls yes you are right (see above) over the years we have had some long slogs , we also have had some good times (and have pics to prove it ) as far as i am concerned being broke ,suffering from depression are things from the past , all the good and bad are part of life's rich tapestry to be learnt from .

To Ann 84 I agree complete with you , I too came from an unhappy marriage , they stayed together caus they had strong catholic values , once my father died my mother thrived, on the other hand my wifes parents seperated and they were miserable till they died .
i don't want my kids to be in a miserable family but i see no future in a marriage of convince as one partner or the other is always less success full than the other in personal development, there by conflict remains the name of the game

To Starokan i don't really understand the concept of an open marriage , its a bit like a hot ice-pop and you are right she could have handled it a bit better, as far as taking control she will be back from a holiday on Sunday where i will offer her a range of options for the future which all include "leave"

To Ellem, She would like to have her cake and eat it , as for the kids they know that there is tension and i wont carry on with the situation into the future

To Kylith yes the word "cuckold" springs to mind and no i could not bear to see her dressing up to go out with somebody else jealousy is a harsh mistress

To The Corinthian
My understanding of the word marriage is to forsake all others and i think it is up to her to sacrifice the security she gets from being in a stable marriage, as for forgiving her infidelity Hell we are all only human , i thought that i would be the one that would fall in this area , so i will forgive any body once

To Cymbaline,
I think the marriage is beyond repair unless there is true forgiveness where any issues are laid to bed , as i am not a saint i have contributed to the deteriorate of our relationship as well , but transgressions ( never cheated )that i committed in the early part of our marriage are constantly being wheeled out for re examination and proof of what a lousy person i am,

As regards the lack of sex , i come from a cold family where the last thing you do is express your feelings particularly your sadness and pain so as that built over the years i would close myself off to other people , it did not mean that i didn't care for them it meant that i have difficulties in expressing myself and yes i can understand why she felt rejected sometimes but how many years dose somebody have to put in to show they care to show that they are committed to show that they love some one. When you add this to the normal stresses and resentments built up over 22 years it can come to a sizable pile

To round this up
I am going to ask her to leave for the following reasons
Stress on my children
She is unhappy
I am unhappy
She is the one who wants to find herself and i think that this might be difficult if she has to juggle work children social commitments and explore new relationships all at the same time. Perhaps she has a better chance of finding herself if she is living alone without commitment to be able to become the person she wants to be
I have taken legal advice for what its worth
And again many thanks for the words of kindness, advice and offering questions that i have had to answer myself
Jame

chappy79x

Jame good to hear your pulling yourself together as best ya can , just remember its a case of taking it step by step and not biting off too much too soon . Your on new ground so its ok to take your time and give yourself a chance to make sure your ok with whatever direction ya take or steps ya take.
While everyone that has answered your post would like to help , myself too, only you know the whole story, and as they say , there s always 3 sides to the story , yours hers and what really happened , and we can only give " advise" on the info we have. The only real advice ya need to follow is that very low voice coming from your gut .