Struggling to cope with my husband's low/lack of sex drive

LegacyUser

I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 1 year. We have a loving relationship. We make each other laugh. We support each other. We have a lot of the same interests but also, our own interests and our own friends. We have never held each other back. We both take our marriage vows very seriously and try to live by them every day.

We have no money problems so there is no stress in that department. My husband is a mature student and I work in a demanding job but I am quite good at leaving work in the evenings and leaving any stresses from that part of my day behind. We own our own home outright. We live in the countryside and find a lot of peace in our surroundings.

There is one thing missing and I am not sure how to deal with it. Sex.

We've never been a couple that had sex every day of the week but we were both happy to have sex 3-4 nights a week (a few times each night) and that satisfied us both. Unfortunately over the past 2 years my husband seems to have lost interest in sex with me.

He is aware of the problem. He promises to try harder, make more time for it. We have sex once, it is quick, and then it could be 3 months+ before we have the same conversation again and the cycle continues.
My husband never gets angry with me for bringing up the subject, instead I think he is disappointed in himself that I am not satisfied. I feel I am always the one to mention the lack of sex and as soon as I do, he engages in the conversation, makes promises and then changes the subject, like he just wants to get talking about it out of the way. I have asked him does he think about it as much as I do and he says he does and that I'm not to think that just because he's not talking about it doesn't mean he's not thinking about it. Of course I know he's thinking about it but he just doesn't appear to be willing to do anything about it.

I don't put pressure on my husband, in fact, sadly, over the past few months I have found that I am losing interest myself because I am sick of being rejected. I feel like I put myself out there a lot and get knocked back and there's only so much of that a person can take.

I have tried sexy underwear, weekends away, sexy boardgames off the internet, watching porn together, anything I could think of but I think the problem is that he doesn't want to have sex with me. I know he watches porn, which has never ever been an issue but it does annoy me that he can find the time to watch porn and pleasure himself while I am left alone. I have no issue with porn as long as it doesn't replace real life sex between us. I know other women catch his eye and he finds other women attractive and again, this wouldn't be a problem if I felt that he found me attractive. Sometimes I feel like jumping around in front of him in just my underwear saying "I'm an actual real life body that you can do whatever you want with".

I look after myself. I dress well. I have always been told I am an attractive woman. I am regularly chatted up by men so I know I've still "got it". I make an effort with my appearance even when going to bed. I make our bed feel comfortable and it always smells lovely. I make a conscious effort to shut off phones, tablets etc. at 10p.m. every night, about 2 hours before I go asleep, so as to seem as available as possible to my husband.

I am at my wit's end and I feel like there must be something about my husband's lack of interest that I just don't understand.

As I said, he watches porn, so I know he has no problem getting an erection. He previously got a prescription for viagra from his GP, I think this was more so to make it look like he was trying to do something about the issue, and he still has the majority of the prescription left because he just has no interest in actually having sex. I don't believe that his lack of sex drive is down to a physical problem. Maybe it's emotional? I don't know.

I would appreciate any advice. I really love my husband and am eager to fix this problem now so that it doesn't get worse or harder to fix.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

What is not clear from your post is the rationale he gives to you when you have these conversations.

I had this problem too just after marrying. I tried everything also, and was assured that he hadn't gone off it in theory. All this "Its not you, I dunno whats wrong with me, I just don't seem to need it" bollocks. Like you, I started feeling very rejected. Very low. A fine looking girl, and I started to feel so unattractive. We were newlyweds, and even the love of my life didn't want to rip the clothes off me.

So eventually I got sick of all the civilised "chats" and it got too much and one night I just bawled my eyes out. I told him he was destroying my self-image and I was starting to feel unattractive.

He got an awful land. Broke his heart. I basically gave him an ultimatum. That he may not need it, but if he was telling the truth about thinking about it, and not being averse to it, then he could fecking well do it. FOR ME. I said (through floods of tears) that we had to do it TONIGHT. And that thereafter, I would be expecting no longer than two weeks to elapse (reasonable enough). I said that I knew he got tired at night, so weekends/afternoons were fine, but he had to choose the time he preferred and he had to initiate, cos I was DONE. He had to man up, and be the husband I needed.

So he was so upset and so wanting to fix things that we did it there and then. Not a bother on him, of course. And afterwards he did take it seriously, and now its at least every two weeks and I'd say we initiate it fairly equally.

So I would say you are being too civilised, too polite. It has gotten you NOWHERE. He may have serious issues with nighttime tiredness, in which case thats what weekends are for. He may be just a lazy fecker who finds it 10times easier to **** off to porn in 3 minutes than go into the bedroom and have to actually make eye contact. Has he even given you a reason that you believe? Regardless, he is brushing you off.

You have to start demanding your right as a spouse - marriages are NOT supposed to be platonic. It wasn't till I started bawling my eyes out that my husband finally saw the terrible, terrible damage this gap was doing both to his marriage and to his wife. Prior to that he viewed it as a temporary blip he could delay solving until he had "more energy".

Oh, and the porn IS replacing you.

TwoGallants

Google 'porn induced erectile dysfunction'. Its a growing problem with men of our generation. A nasty combination of extreme pornography and high speed internet connections has created a generation of men with low sex drives and brains that are overloaded with extreme imagery that no woman can possibly match (even the real life versions

If he masturbates a lot, it is possible that he has become so used to the sensation and speed of his hand, which a vagina cannot replicate.

Which is a shame because orgasm through sex is always so much better than orgasm through masturbation.

Your husband needs to have a real long think about why he is the way he is. A low sex drive isn't normal. Unfortunately it is becoming more so since the advent of hardcore porn and its constant accessibility. He can cure himself if he really wants to with your help. You clearly want sex.

Or it could be something else entirely.

iusedtoknow

There is a few reasons his drive could be gone.

For one thing he needs to get rid of the porn, yes most guys knock one out every now and then, but if it starts to interfere with normal sex in an otherwise healthy relationship then things have to change.

Is his masters stressful? Is he struggling or does he have a high workload? This can knock the drive down a notch
Does he drink a lot? This again can bring down your drive

The other thing, he should get his T levels checked, it is a real thing and his has a low T level,it can knock out your drive.

b_mac

It sounds like you are over thinking things way too much here.

Get him to get blood work done to check his testosterone levels. People tend to forget how much hormones influence our bodies and instead come up with all these rubbish ideas to fix these kind of problems.

If his doc decides HRT is on the cards, two weeks into his therapy, it will be impossible for him not to be hounding you for sex!

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

There is a few reasons his drive could be gone.

For one thing he needs to get rid of the porn, yes most guys knock one out every now and then, but if it starts to interfere with normal sex in an otherwise healthy relationship then things have to change.

Is his masters stressful? Is he struggling or does he have a high workload? This can knock the drive down a notch
Does he drink a lot? This again can bring down your drive

The other thing, he should get his T levels checked, it is a real thing and his has a low T level,it can knock out your drive.

Hi, thanks for the reply.

No, it's not stressful for him. He's actually commented a few times now that this year seems way less stressful than previous years and he feels he's really on top of everything. He does feel like he has college under control. He puts in good study time every week night and plenty at the weekend and he is satisfied with his efforts.

He doesn't drink at all. The last time we both had a drink was at electric picnic and before that was my birthday in June.

What are T levels?

LegacyUser

b_mac wrote: »

It sounds like you are over thinking things way too much here.

Get him to get blood work done to check his testosterone levels. People tend to forget how much hormones influence our bodies and instead come up with all these rubbish ideas to fix these kind of problems.

If his doc decides HRT is on the cards, two weeks into his therapy, it will be impossible for him not to be hounding you for sex!

Hi thanks for the reply.

Not sure what you mean by overthinking things.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to speak to him about getting his testosterone levels checked. I presume this is something his regular GP can do.

The Princess Bride

newwife wrote: »

.......I think the problem is that he doesn't want to have sex with me.
I know other women catch his eye and he finds other women attractive .....
...... I have always been told I am an attractive woman. I am regularly chatted up by men so I know I've still "got it". ....
I would appreciate any advice. I really love my husband and am eager to fix this problem now so that it doesn't get worse or harder to fix.

Thanks.

OP.
I edited your post as the above is important.
(You don't mention his age, so if he is young and healthy,then the following applies.Regardless,a GP visit wouldn't go amiss.)

Could it be as simple as he just no longer fancies you?
It doesn't matter whether the entire male population finds you attractive.
What matters is whether he does.

If it were me?
I'd be blunt -I'd ask him.

LegacyUser

The Princess Bride wrote: »

OP.
I edited your post as the above is important.
(You don't mention his age, so if he is young and healthy,then the following applies.Regardless,a GP visit wouldn't go amiss.)

Could it be as simple as he just no longer fancies you?
It doesn't matter whether the entire male population finds you attractive.
What matters is whether he does.

If it were me?
I'd be blunt -I'd ask him.

Hi there, he's 38, I'm 28.

I have asked him that and he says he is attracted to me. Should I be worried that he is lying about that?

TwoGallants

Even if he doesn't fancy her he can still get it up for her. Men are basically programmed to have sex. Even if they've done it a million times before with the same person. Something is amiss when a man persistently fails to show interest

iusedtoknow

newwife wrote: »

Hi, thanks for the reply.

No, it's not stressful for him. He's actually commented a few times now that this year seems way less stressful than previous years and he feels he's really on top of everything. He does feel like he has college under control. He puts in good study time every week night and plenty at the weekend and he is satisfied with his efforts.

He doesn't drink at all. The last time we both had a drink was at electric picnic and before that was my birthday in June.

What are T levels?

Testosterone levels - they start to fall off with age, and it can cause lower sex drive

Merkin

I think there are two fairly clear cut reasons here so it's up to both of you to get to the bottom of it.

1. There is a medical issue at play. Could be hormonal. Could be psychological. He may have depression. You won't know for sure until professional medical help is invoked and all issues can be ruled out - there are any number of reasons why he has a low sex drive.

2. He simply doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. This could be for two reasons. He simply may not find you attractive anymore. The other which leads me on to ask is whether he could be cheating on you? I always think if a partner who was previously interested in sex simply doesn't want it anymore then I'd suspect they were getting it elsewhere. Have you asked him about this?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I think there are two fairly clear cut reasons here so it's up to both of you to get to the bottom of it.

1. There is a medical issue at play. Could be hormonal. Could be psychological. He may have depression. You won't know for sure until professional medical help is invoked and all issues can be ruled out - there are any number of reasons why he has a low sex drive.

2. He simply doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. This could be for two reasons. He simply may not find you attractive anymore. The other which leads me on to ask is whether he could be cheating on you? I always think if a partner who was previously interested in sex simply doesn't want it anymore then I'd suspect they were getting it elsewhere. Have you asked him about this?

Hi Merkin, thanks for the reply.

As so many have mentioned it, i think he'll definitely be making a trip to his GP for some tests.

In relation to your second point, he tells me he is attracted to me so unless he is lying, all i can do is believe him.
I trust my husband 100% and have no reason to think he is cheating, aside from the lack of sex. Also, all his time is accounted for so unless he can split himself in two, he has no time to be with someone else.

delop

New wife, this might sound strange, but get some massage oil and go to bed early , and try not to have sex , even if you both want to during the massage. After a few sessions things might get better...

Human brains are weird sometimes, even our own...

Merkin

newwife wrote: »

In relation to your second point, he tells me he is attracted to me so unless he is lying, all i can do is believe him.

And I hope this is the case. Unfortunately however his words and actions simply don't correlate so unless there is a medical issue at play you will then need to ask him some serious questions. It's not enough for him to say that he finds you sexually attractive - he won't actually have sex with you and when the disparity between words and actions is so huge then you need to find out why. Let's hope it's simply an easily treatable medical issue rather than anything else but bear in mind that if there is nothing medically wrong then you do need to ask those questions you presume to know the answer to.

LegacyUser

delop wrote: »

New wife, this might sound strange, but get some massage oil and go to bed early , and try not to have sex , even if you both want to during the massage. After a few sessions things might get better...

Human brains are weird sometimes, even our own...

Thanks for the reply delop.

I have tried this. Candles, some music and the whole lot and we ended up having sex but he couldn't come - not usually a problem.

On another occasion about 3 months ago we were in boots and he commented that he likes some of those flavoured lubes that durex do and that he wouldn't mind trying a cock ring. We were rushing home that day but he said he would go in the following day and pick up some stuff. He went in the following day and returned home with nothing. And he wouldn't be the shy type at all when it comes to buying stuff like that.

LegacyUser

newwife wrote: »

I know he watches porn, which has never ever been an issue but it does annoy me that he can find the time to watch porn and pleasure himself while I am left alone. I have no issue with porn as long as it doesn't replace real life sex between us. I know other women catch his eye and he finds other women attractive and again, this wouldn't be a problem if I felt that he found me attractive. Sometimes I feel like jumping around in front of him in just my underwear saying "I'm an actual real life body that you can do whatever you want with".

Are you sure that porn isn't the issue?

Maybe he satisfies himself with fantasy and a real life body isn't what does it for him anymore.

Go see a therapist together - or get him to do so and see what he comes back with.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

And I hope this is the case. Unfortunately however his words and actions simply don't correlate so unless there is a medical issue at play you will then need to ask him some serious questions. It's not enough for him to say that he finds you sexually attractive - he won't actually have sex with you and when the disparity between words and actions is so huge then you need to find out why. Let's hope it's simply an easily treatable medical issue rather than anything else but bear in mind that if there is nothing medically wrong then you do need to ask those questions you presume to know the answer to.

Hi Merkin, thanks again for your reply.

I'm getting quite worried and upset about the situation and the possibilities now so I suppose the thing to do is, have tests and figure out if the problem is medical and if not, we will have to look at the other possibility. I hope I don't end up heartbroken.

LegacyUser

newwife wrote: »

I have no issue with porn as long as it doesn't replace real life sex between us. .......... "I'm an actual real life body that you can do whatever you want with".

Maybe this is the issue - he gets off on porn and doesn't need a real life body to do anything with.

I'd be talking to a sex therapist if this is the case.