5 months apart

LegacyUser

Hello
I haven't seen my girlfriend in 5 months.
Is this even normal?
I spoke to my parents about it, and they seem to think I should end it. But I really need outside opinions that have no emotional attachment to the situation whatsoever.


We used to live together until May when we both finished college and moved to seperate places. We've been together about 4 years.
We are both still in the same country but quite a distance away by public transport as I'm in a very remote area. We could visit each other but return journey is impossible on a sunday and involves an hour and a half walk.

Our graduation was last month, but she didn't attend because she had just started a postgrad and didnt want to miss out on making new friends etc
I was really upset by it. There were lots of other problems in our relationship before this but this had me very close to ending it.
I have been here in the back arse of nowhere working stupid hours for the past 5 months. As soon as I moved here my car broke down. She on the other hand was off for 3 whole months. It would have been very difficult for me to travel to see her because of work commitments and the fact that there is no public transport on a sunday to/from here.
She never came to visit, said she was to stressed by applying for postgrads.
In fairness to her, I thought I would be able to fix my car, so I was saying we could wait until the car is sorted. I havent been able to sort the car its beyond economical repair.
This is why I was so upset that she never came to graduation.
It was nearly 5 months since we'd seen each other. I had a fantastic excuse to get a day off work and I had lift there and back. She had an excuse to skip her lectures and transport wasn't a problem for her either.
It was the last in a long line of things.

I was so upset that the day after I phoned her, and basically just cried down the phone at her, basiclly saying all the things I'm saying here.
I feel bad about it because I had been planning on ending it in that phone call and maybe hinted at it. But couldnt actually do it. Same again that night on facebook.
Some of the things I mentioned were;

- We both live in the UK now but I am from Ireland. She never came home with me. It was important to me and I told her so, but she made up excuses, all revolving around a passport that she didnt need anyway because we would have been taking the ferry or money but I told her that I would pay for everything.
I really wanted to show her off to my family and friends but if I tried to arrange for us to go some week that we were off, she would say she didn't know what she was doing that week. To me that statement makes no sense?????

- She had a whole summer to learn to drive. Her parents offered to pay for lessons and everything. If she had learnt to drive it would have been so much easier to see each other.
But she couldnt learn to drive because she was stressed from applying for the postgrads.

This is why her non attendance at our graduation was so hurtful to me.
Its like she is not in control of her own life and I am suffering for it.
I am trying to make arrangements to go visit her and tie the visit in with buying a new car while I am in civilisation. But Im starting to wonder what is the point?
When I told her on the phone how upset I was at not seeing her for so long she said that MAYBE she could come visit in DECEMBER.

I love her to bits, but its like she has no get up and go and I think this is going to have ramifications for our future.
One of my colleagues at work is spanish, and his girlfriend has just moved all the way from there just to be with him. She has no job here herself but had none in Spain anyway. So she took the chance and came here with him.
I just can't imagine my girlfriend ever having the drive to do something like that. She will probably never leave the UK.


I do love her still but the last few weeks, I don't miss her. Its like I'm just used to not having her here now.
We havent spoken much either she is out most nights with her new friends and I work long hours.
I would love to keep our relationship going. Its been 4 years almost and I can't actually bring myself to end it with her. When I accidentally hinted at it before she was in absolute pieces. I wanted to end it, but couldn't and now I feel worse cos its like I toyed with her.

Ah jesus I've typed to much, HELP!?

Rosy Posy

I don't want to be brutal, OP, but from your post it sounds like its already over, you just haven't come to terms with it yet. It sounds like you're staying 'together' out of habit and obligation rather than a real feeling for each other. She obviously does not see you as a priority in her life, and you seem to be only nominally in a relationship. If you had something worth saving you would make it your business to see each other. If I were you I would make the effort to make one last trip to see her and end it, and move on with your life. Best of luck!

wirelessdude01

5 months!! This isn't a friendship really, let alone a relationship. In her head it is already long over and she probably has moved on. Accept it and move on with your life. She sounds like she really isn't much of a catch to be honest.

TonyStark

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

5 months!! This isn't a friendship really, let alone a relationship. In her head it is already long over and she probably has moved on. Accept it and move on with your life. She sounds like she really isn't much of a catch to be honest.

Question is when does she want to see you again? She seems to make a lot of excuses for things. What does she see the future to be? I'm sorry to break it to you but there are people out there that are married after just for months. People that have turned their lives upside down in the name of love.

My advice is end it or your gonna get a phone call, text from her saying she has meet someone else and you'll be a wreck emotionally. My opinion and it's just an opinion is she using you as her backup plan.

MagicMarker

It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship at all really.

A 90 minute walk isn't even that far, some people do that kind of walk daily.

ivytwine

I think you should be the one to pull the plug OP.

I've friends I haven't seen for months because of geography and work, but a boyfriend? This isn't a relationship, it's an acquaintance. You deserve better!

Merkin

This is a dead duck OP. It's just that the split up hasn't been formalised or labelled. She's not your girlfriend any longer so just pull the plug and put you both out of your misery.

Stavro Mueller

All that's surprising me is why she hasn't pulled the plug on this already herself. To be honest, she sounds like she is doing everything she can to avoid seeing you. She has been making an awful lot of excuses, many of which are so lame they need to be shot and taken out of their misery. In your own way you are making lots of excuses, probably because you feel she has gone from you and you're trying to make sense of it all .

If she had wanted to see you, she would have moved heaven and earth to get to you. She's fobbing you off with excuses. The sooner you accept this, the better for your own sanity.

heretochat

She wants this to end but is being too cowardly to be upfront about it with you.

You can do the formalities on it and end it with her but from what I have read it is already dead..

miamee

OP it seems like the relationship was dead or on its last legs at the start of the summer when you went your separate ways. You say you had lived together and had gone out for 4 years yet you both had no plan in place for how you would cope with being so far apart, when you would see each other and to date neither one of you have made the trek to see each other.

Did you part on good terms? I can only imagine that parting under those circumstances would be upsetting and in the same situation, I would personally have already been making plans to see each other before we went on our separate ways.

Big Bag of Chips

I think she has broken it off with you, without telling you. Her excuses are just that... excuses. And some/all of them are pretty feeble.

Who does most of the contacting? If you don't contact her for a day or 2 does she contact you?

You are not getting anything out of this relationship anymore. You haven't seen her for 5 months, and only MIGHT see her in 3 months.. IF she has time. Relationships should be fun. Especially at your age.

ManOfMystery

Totally agree with everyone above.

Relationships can be hideously complex things, but at the same time they can be very simple: If someone really loves you, is really into you, and really wants to spend time with you .............................. then they will. She has made every excuse under the sun to not spend time with you or visit you, so I think OP that the writing is on the wall and you really need to open your eyes and see it.

Pull the plug on this one, I'm sure if you venture into a relationship again there are plenty of girls locally who would make themselves much more available (in terms of time) than this one.

Munstermad

Sorry mate, I kinda have to agree with the others here, its very hard to let go and it seems neither of ye can make that leap of faith and end things properly.... Think of it as a new begininning, rather than the end of something, tbh you'll probably be a bit relieved... Have myself been the perpetrator of the longest breakup in history.. A relationship that was over 2 years before I properly ended it.. Don't waste anymore time trying to recussitate something thats dead, put your energy into your present and your future... Sure its sad, but if ye can remain amicable and be respectful of each other through this then its not a total loss... Best of luck