Boyfriend still has house with his ex

LegacyUser

I have been dating a fab guy for the last year and we get on really well. I feel quite confident that he likes me a lot, and I am crazy about hi. However, there is one major stumbling block for me- he still owns a house with his ex-girlfriend and she is still living in it. She lives in the north so they have not seen each other in almost two years. They are not in contact in any way. Despite this lack of communication I am very unhappy with the situation. I feel there is still a connection with his past. He is not keen to sell, but I don't know why. He is a passive person, not confrontational in any way and I feel that the whole thing is hassle that he does not want. By his own addition though he agrees that this house has to be sold. What should I do? I cannot force him to sell but I cannot continue on the way we are. Help!

rainbowtrout

First of all, ask yourself why it bothers you so much that your boyfriend owns a house with another person that he is not in contact with. Granted he was in a relationship with this woman, but if there is no contact and she doesn't live anywhere near him, I don't see what the problem is?


Second, it might not be that easy to sell the house, it could be in negative equity, and he could end up with outstanding debt if it was sold at a loss. The mortgage could have been given on a joint basis and the bank may not be willing to take your boyfriend off the mortgage because his ex does not have the financial capability of paying the mortgage by herself. That is not clear as you haven't provided any information about it, but given the way things have gone in the last few years, it wouldn't be an entirely unreasonable assumption.

Third, it's his house and you're not married to him, you're only seeing him a year, it's not really any business of yours what he does with his house.

wirelessdude01

I can give some perspective on this. I own a house with my ex expect but I'm the one living in it. This all happened before you arrived on the scene so really I can't see what the issue is really. Negative equity is probably the main reason that the house hasn't been sold(is in my case).

Why are YOU so hung up on it being an issue? By your own admission he has nothing to do with her. Are you feeling insecure in both yourself and your relationship? Look the ex isn't an issue from what you have outlined and it sounds like your boyfriend isn't an issue so that just leave the one person who is making something out of it.

LegacyUser

It bothers me because I feel insecure. This is my first major relationship that I feel has a real future. I am 'in tune' with myself enough to know that I am jealous of his past with her. I said nothing for a year as I felt it wasn't my place to speak up. However, 12 months is a long time and I think that I have the right now to say how I feel. He is living in rented accommodation so any free time he has he spends here in my house, with me. I would love to be a carefree person who would allow this to roll off them, but I'm not.

maria34

Is he paying morgage and has no money because of that?

If not then i dont understand whats your problem.

wirelessdude01

OP, what age are you? Also does the boyfriend have to contribute towards the mortgage currently?

Remember nearly everyone has a past. I'm sure you have as well. You need to stop these 'jealous' feelings or else you could end up ruining what could otherwise be a perfectly good relationship. The boyfriend is doing nothing wrong here.

Esoteric_

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

It bothers me because I feel insecure. This is my first major relationship that I feel has a real future. I am 'in tune' with myself enough to know that I am jealous of his past with her. I said nothing for a year as I felt it wasn't my place to speak up. However, 12 months is a long time and I think that I have the right now to say how I feel. He is living in rented accommodation so any free time he has he spends here in my house, with me. I would love to be a carefree person who would allow this to roll off them, but I'm not.

If you want to tell him how you feel, that's fair enough. I don't understand what you're hoping to achieve, though. He's not going to sell his house because his girlfriend is insecure, and he can't be expected to.

He's not in contact with his ex, he just owns some property with her. Sounds like, all things considered, he's doing all he can to stop you feeling insecure, since he's not in contact with her.

Ultimately you have to accept that people you date will have a past and they can't change that. Your insecurity is something you need to work on, not something he should pander to.

Neyite

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

It bothers me because I feel insecure. This is my first major relationship that I feel has a real future. I am 'in tune' with myself enough to know that I am jealous of his past with her. I said nothing for a year as I felt it wasn't my place to speak up. However, 12 months is a long time and I think that I have the right now to say how I feel. He is living in rented accommodation so any free time he has he spends here in my house, with me. I would love to be a carefree person who would allow this to roll off them, but I'm not.

Presumably he was with her a lot longer than a year if they bought a house together. This is what you feel is a threat. She has more of a history with him than you do. But as your relationship develops and time goes by that will change.

But that past will still be there whether the house is there or not. So will the places they saw together, the holiday destinations they went to, the restaurants they had romantic meals in, the movies that they saw together. Can you avoid all of those? Or is he not supposed to mention these things?

This is your issue to deal with. To say that its just the way you are is a cop out. And this jealousy will destroy this future you see. Sometimes around the 1st anniversary we assess our relationship - if it has potential, thats a very exciting time. If it doesn't, the anniversary is a wake up call to end it before the other person feels its a long term thing. Most of my previous long term relationships lasted between a year and 18 months. But without sounding condescending, a year is nothing, and if you had had serious relationships before this, you would know that. Just because you don't have a serious relationship in your past does not mean that nobody else can either.

You may feel that after a year you have the right to say what you think, and in some cases you do. But not this. Say it if you like, but it sounds like you want to dictate to him to sell, and he equally has the right to tell you to butt out of his private financial arrangements. You are not cohabiting and until you are, his finances and where he puts his money is of no concern of yours.

If I was in his position, I would be having serious doubts about you if you couldn't cope with the fact that I have a past, and bringing up the house would reinforce those doubts. My advice: Work on that jealousy if you want to make this relationship work.

LegacyUser

The house is NOT in negative equity. His ex will have to get a loan to buy him out if she wants to do that. Otherwise if they sell the house through an estate agent, they will both make a profit even after paying what's left on the mortgage.

wirelessdude01

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

The house is NOT in negative equity. His ex will have to get a loan to buy him out if she wants to do that. Otherwise if they sell the house through an estate agent, they will both make a profit even after paying what's left on the mortgage.

So does he have to contribute to the mortgage?

rainbowtrout

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

The house is NOT in negative equity. His ex will have to get a loan to buy him out if she wants to do that. Otherwise if they sell the house through an estate agent, they will both make a profit even after paying what's left on the mortgage.

So taking this from your boyfriend's point of view, you don't live together, he lives in rented accommodation but you have your own house. He has a house jointly owned with his ex which could be considered an asset, as by your own admission is not in negative equity.

You want him to sell his house, simply out of jealousy and insecurity.


Why should he pander to your unreasonable demand? Why should he liquidate his asset for someone he has known for only a year and doesn't even live with because you can't deal with the fact that he had a long term girlfriend before you?

If I was your boyfriend and you were nagging me to sell my house, I would be extremely pissed off, and also suspicious. Insecurity and jealousy over a non existent relationship where the only tie now is a shared asset is not attractive. I would be wondering what you would expect me to do next with my money from the sale of the house - move in and help pay your mortgage with it instead??? That may not be your intention but it will probably cross his mind if you continue in this vein.

Until the time comes that you move in together and have shared financial responsibility for bills, debts, rent/mortgage what he does with his house is none of your business.

Big Bag of Chips

Being honest OP, whatever arrangement he has is between him and his ex, it is not your business... Yet.

It might become your business in the future if you want to live together either renting or buying. Then if you have to subsidise him because of the house yoy might have a right to try come up with a solution with him.

For now he is your boyfriend, and you are not in any way dependant on each other. So, for now, it's not your place to try get him to sell it. By all means tell him you have insecurities about his ex, but leave the house out of it.

MagicMarker

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

It bothers me because I feel insecure. This is my first major relationship that I feel has a real future. I am 'in tune' with myself enough to know that I am jealous of his past with her. I said nothing for a year as I felt it wasn't my place to speak up. However, 12 months is a long time and I think that I have the right now to say how I feel. He is living in rented accommodation so any free time he has he spends here in my house, with me. I would love to be a carefree person who would allow this to roll off them, but I'm not.

To be blunt, that's your problem, not his. And what he does with his house is none of your business.

Stavro Mueller

When I read this I thought you sounded somewhat controlling. You mentioned that he's a passive person and I can't help but think that you're the one who's trying to call the shots here.

Cork selfbuild

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

It bothers me because I feel insecure. This is my first major relationship that I feel has a real future. I am 'in tune' with myself enough to know that I am jealous of his past with her. I said nothing for a year as I felt it wasn't my place to speak up. However, 12 months is a long time and I think that I have the right now to say how I feel. He is living in rented accommodation so any free time he has he spends here in my house, with me. I would love to be a carefree person who would allow this to roll off them, but I'm not.

OP it's still not your place to say :rolleyes: if my OH was demanding I sell a house just to satisfy someone your going out with for 52 weeks, I'd be showing them the door, it would be different maybe if he was still in the house with her, but as you said they have no contact... What is the problem?

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

The house is NOT in negative equity. His ex will have to get a loan to buy him out if she wants to do that. Otherwise if they sell the house through an estate agent, they will both make a profit even after paying what's left on the mortgage.

You said in the first post you don't know why he doesn't want to sell, what you just said there, that may be a reason, it's not in negative equity, what's wrong with keeping the house?

As you said your jealous of their past, how great was it if they were together, bought a house and split up, something clearly went badly wrong, why are you jealous of that??

LegacyUser

OP, I was in the same situation as you and I can see lots of reason for this to be an issue. I have to disagree with other posters.

1) He will always be in contact with the ex and strongly attached to her, at least financially. Any financial decision between you and your ex (buy a new house? go on holidays? get a loan to start a business? pay for creche for your children) will be directly affected by the financial links he still has with the ex. It is very much the equivalent of having a child from a previous relationship: and lots of men and women would run a mile before going in a relationship with a person with a child from a previous relationship due to the issues that arise from their "baggage"

2) Being attached to this house means he might have to contribute financially to a "project" that doesn't benefit you at all. And doesn't seem to benefit him either.

3) Most importantly: if the two of you decide to get married/buy a house together, he is already committed to the house with the ex. I doubt he would be able to get loans or a new mortgage between the two of you as long as he owns the other house. Unless he has TONS of money. And this is a huge limitation to a future together, no matter what people may say.

The situation I normally see is the guy struggling to pay for bills because he is already paying for a mortgage on a house he doesn't even get to live in, plus the new girl (you) being denied one huge milestone of a future together - buying a house with her husband.

Also - if he loses his job and needs to get help from the government, things are much harder if the person is a house owner - even if he doesn't benefit at all from that.

PS. In case he is minted and can afford payments on the old house and that doesn't affect the life style of the two of you as a couple, and you could also buy a new house together if you wanted to in the future, then I agree with the others and I wouldn't worry at all.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your last post. I was really beginning to question myself and how I was feeling. I have done a lot of soul searching since receiving earlier responses and I genuinely do not see my self as 'controlling', 'interfering' and all the other phrases that were used. It is not about an inability to let go of the past. It is about an eagerness to look to the future without any big connections with a former partner.

I find it interesting, and reassuring, that you were also in this boat. It is only when you find yourself in this situation can you really offer advice I think. We all know how a person should feel, and should act. However, as human beings the head and heart do not always agree.

I have decided to give my boyfriend space for a few weeks. I do not want to force him into anything.....this is his decision to make and I cannot put my solution onto his problem (he himself says he must sell the house and get it sorted. He is not opposed to the idea, just putting it on the long finger)

I would love to hear from any one else who has been in this situation....how was it resolved? Also the last poster, how did your situation develop? Many thanks in advance for your help.

Carrie F

I read with interest the posts responding to your request for advice and I have to say that I disagreed with everyone bar the last poster. I believe that you are right in wanting your boyfriend to cut the ties with the past. You are not being 'controlling' in my opinion, you just want him to look to the future with you rather than focusing on the past with his former girlfriend. A house is a major connection, and a bind that will be between them until all the papers to sell it are signed up. Houses take ages to sell so it could be another 12 months before it is all sorted out. You will then be in a relationship for 2 years! I would say take a step back and give him space to decide what he wants to do. You said he himself admits that he needs to sell it, so maybe he does need a gentle push. Let him feel that it's his decision. Best of luck.....stick to your guns. Your feelings are important in all this too. You are 50% of this relationship.

wirelessdude01

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

It is only when you find yourself in this situation can you really offer advice I think. We all know how a person should feel, and should act. However, as human beings the head and heart do not always agree.

I am the guy in this very kind of situation at the moment and honestly I can't see the issue at all. You are creating an issue where there is none. You are not living together yet so stop trying to create issues where there are none.

Take a deep breath and enjoy your relationship.

dearg lady

tbh if it's not in negative equity then it is unusual that they haven't sold the house, or one person buy out the other. However, I agree with others that while it might be a bit odd for you, it's not your decision to make. You haven't answered if he's still contributing to the house, that's quite important?

All you can really do is talk to him about it, find out what he thinks, if he has any plans to sell etc, you cannot force him to do something.

Cork selfbuild

Carrie F wrote: »

I read with interest the posts responding to your request for advice and I have to say that I disagreed with everyone bar the last poster. I believe that you are right in wanting your boyfriend to cut the ties with the past. You are not being 'controlling' in my opinion, you just want him to look to the future with you rather than focusing on the past with his former girlfriend. A house is a major connection, and a bind that will be between them until all the papers to sell it are signed up. Houses take ages to sell so it could be another 12 months before it is all sorted out. You will then be in a relationship for 2 years! I would say take a step back and give him space to decide what he wants to do.

If it was the OP was keeping the Ex's photo in his wallet of phone number or something trivial like that then I would say yes sure, tell him to chuck it... But come on people, it's a house...

OP said she is crazy about him, I think it's a bit of the green eyed monster getting in the way more than anything, no right minded person would ask their OH to sell a house just because the new OH doesn't like it...

Carrie F wrote: »

You said he himself admits that he needs to sell it, so maybe he does need a gentle push. Let him feel that it's his decision. Best of luck.....stick to your guns. Your feelings are important in all this too. You are 50% of this relationship.

And OP didn't say anything of the sort, OP said that he is NOT keen to sell it, why push him at all??

All the OP will do is push her OH away more than anything.

Frank Black

Lady in Waiting wrote: »

Thank you so much for your last post.

It sounds like you came on here to try to validate your feeling as opposed to get some impartial advice judging by the way you've latched onto the small minority of replies which agree with you.

Most people, including me, feel you're being completely unreasonable and are in danger of wrecking your relationship through your insecurity and jealousy.

Perhaps you should be listening to them instead?

LegacyUser

The housing market is at its lowest ebb, most particularly up North. Why force anyone to sell in such a climate?

TwoShedsJackson

Assuming his ex's name is on the deeds it's not just a case of your boyfriend deciding to sell, they both have to agree to it. She could well be perfectly happy there, and have no desire to move.

If that's the case there would be nothing he could do even if he did want to sell.

If he did sell just to keep you happy he would be a complete idiot - you might not be still together in three months.

wirelessdude01

Actually how long has he been split up from her?

ShaShaBear

It's a house, not a picture in a wallet or a hoodie from Christmas or even a car. A house. A loan that he and his partner agreed to take out together that could be for hundreds of thousands of euros and you want him to sell it so that he has no connection to his ex??? Do you think that if he sells the house all the good memories and experiences he had with her that led to them deciding to share a home together will just vanish??

Owning a house is something most people are desperate for, and in this climate can expect to never experience. And you want him to give that up just because his ex girlfriend bought the house with him?

You can rant on and on about how only the people who agree with you are more experienced to give you advice, but from your naive posts about your boyfriends most expensive asset, I'd be more inclined to think you are simply too immature to understand how important a house is, and the trouble he has to go through to get rid of it for you. If his ex co-signed the mortgage, he has to get in touch with her to agree to sell. Or he has to buy her out. Do you realise that it just doesn't happen overnight and your pushing is essentially forcing him to get in touch with his ex, something he could very well be avoiding?

Sleepy

There's a good chance that pushing on this will get you dumped OP.

Floppybits

I like most people on here dont see the problem. Your BF has no contact with the ex, from your posts he doesn't seem to be paying any part of the mortgage, its not having an impact your relationship (well except your insecurities) were he is constantly talking with the ex and you havent mentioned whether he is struggling for money that he would need to sell the house to get his share of the money. He rents his own place and doesnt seem to be sponging off your so I cant really see the problem? I know of people in worse situations where both of them have split and are still living in the house because both of them cannot afford anywhere else to live.

Also maybe your BF has an agreement with his ex that lets the ex live there till she can get the money together to buy him out and he is no hurry because it is not costing him anything?

I think after only seeing the guy a year it is a bit much to be asking him to sell his house for no other reason that your insecurities.

Carrie F

Last weekend I was out with friends and heard a conversation that reminded me very much of your post, a friend of mine is in a very similar situation to you. It made me curious and I was just wondering how things are with you and your guy? Have you split up, or ( hopefully) are you still together??

Big Bag of Chips

Carrie F, asking the OP for updates is against the Charter.

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids putting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread.