Devastated for the second time this year

LegacyUser

My boyfriend told me after 8 months and living together that he impregnated a girl before he met me. The child was born in secrecy during our relationship and I found out when he was 4 months old. It devastated me obviously and I have been in counselling since and we are at least attempting to work things out in our relationship, even though it's slow. I can't even think of that child without feel anger and heartache. I am working on this.

However I have been devastated yet again as I started bleeding heavily the day after a positive pregnancy test. The doctor could not confirm if I was or was not pregnant but the examinations did show that I had a condition in which I could not regularly ovulate by myself. I am also at a much, much higher risk of miscarrying any baby I do conceive and I will need to take a drug throughout the pregnancy in order to carry the baby safely. I learned all of this two days ago.

How can I tell my boyfriend? I am so angry and hurt and I feel worthless and humiliated. Especially because this other girl became pregnant with his baby after just one time. I am going to a counsellor but right now I can't breathe. Please don't comment on the baby secret, I am not here for that. I just want to hear how to deal with this and not feel like such a failure. And if men can reply, would you leave your girlfriend if she discovered she was like this?

Thanks.

Oryx

Its early days and you are in shock. You have a massive amount of information to absorb and come to terms with, having had a possible early miscarriage and also learning of issues with your fertility.

You tell your boyfriend when you feel ready. That could be today, or next week or whenever. But do talk to someone, this is a big thing to carry alone. When you tell your fella, just speak from the heart and explain how you feel as you have here. Its a situation that requires openness about every aspect of how you feel, given how his having a child already is adding to your upset.

LegacyUser

You could tell him that you thought you were pregnant but the doctors have told you that you will need help to concieve and stay pregnant. See how he reacts to this.
I have to be honest with you this man does not sound like a person you should have a child with. He keep quite that another woman was execting his baby. He only told you about the baby when the child was 4 months old and in my opionion he had to tell you because she was looking for child support or he know that someone would tell you about this baby.

If you need help in getting and staying pregnant in the future you will need a supportive partner as you may have a number of doctor/hospital visits. Along with this some fertility drugs have side effects and can make you feel terrible. I also think that a child deserves to have 2 people that want them. I know that you have been though a hard time in the past few months. You are not happy in your present realtionship and this is another knock to it. It is far better to walk away from a bad relationship now rather than staying with a man you are not happy with.
Also it will be easier to do this on your own rather than if you have a child in the future.

If you decide to end this relationship and you met another man I would be honest with him early in the relationship. A decent man would understand this and be happy to support you if you both wanted a family.

A few years ago one of my freinds was due to marry a man and he decided to call it off a few weeks before the wedding. She was very unhappy when this happened. She went on to meet a far nicer man who treated her very well. They are now married with a family. I am telling you this to show that it is possible to move on from a bad realtionship and meet a nicer man.

The Corinthian

heartbroken wrote: »

I just want to hear how to deal with this and not feel like such a failure. And if men can reply, would you leave your girlfriend if she discovered she was like this?

You're hardly a failure. It can take perfectly normal couples months of trying, and failing, to have a child, just as often as it can take someone one attempt, often when they're not trying, and suddenly have a pregnancy 'stick'. Even the same person could get pregnant at he drop of a hat, first time round and then take months the second. So just because this has happened once (and you don't even know for certain it has) it hardly means you have fertility problems.

Even if you did, many of them are pretty straightforward issues that can be easily dealt with, before you really have to worry, like you appear to be - you're letting your imagination run away with you.

But would a man leave a woman if she had difficulty having children? Depends on the man, but there's a big difference between difficulty and cannot, and I suspect very few men would leave the woman they love simply because there was some 'difficulty' - if they do, I'd say the woman will have dodged a bullet.