Ex-friend/crush: how can i contact him again and should i ? Regrets...help plz

sandra181

It's a bit long but if you could give me your opinion on it i'd be very grateful !

So here is the story

This guy got interested in me right after we met, he chased me but i wasn't on a "dating" page yet although i found him very charming already. I needed time but was too stupid to tell him, instead i acted cold. I had no experience… He never told me he had "feelings" at that point but he was around me all the time and asking me out and i was always either refusing or accepting but acting distant (or trying to make other people joing us… I was scared he’d make a move) . I know this is stupid but he made his interest to obvious and too soon for me, I’m very shy and wasn’t ready at all to flirt with him. Thing is, I was falling for him already … He started ignoring me a bit but we eventually talked again to each other and became friends.

There were still clearly flirty/sweet-romantic things in his behavior towards me and my feelings grew a lot as i was getting to know him better & better but none of us straightforwardly "tried" anything concrete or spoke up. I stopped acting as cold : i wasn't refusing anymore things he'd suggest, we spent more time together etc, and I tried to spend time with him (to initiate), but he never had really direct/clear gestures … more like flirty/ambiguous behavior or words, like trying to touch me, brushing my hand a bit, or my feet under the table, complimenting me, joking about dating, that kind of things ... i know you must be thinking it was enough and i should have done something about it but i simply didn't know how. He was hot & cold and I was scared of being rejected and ruining the nice friendship we were bit by bit building. I never dared either telling him how i felt.

I moved to the other side of the country almost a year after, so we had a "talk" right before where i asked him if he had liked me and why his behavior had seemed ambiguous towards me... I needed to know and to let him know how I felt cause I felt like I had screwed up big time by being so chicken. Sounds clumsy i know, i needed to clear my mind and to get it off my chest. He admitted his feelings, i confessed i had liked him and he said he had the same, but i think he seemed annoyed by me forcing him to speak up like this, or by me doing it so late... I could feel he didn’t want to go into the topic, he was embarrassed, so was I.
After that, he got a bit more distant even though he still seemed to care about me. Things got weird & complicated cause we were both a bit on the "defensive" with each other, sometimes a bit susceptible or disagreeable, really just slightly, but it had never been there before at all. Me cause i was hurt by the fact that he was acting distant (I know it was too late to start anything but I think somehow I was hoping he’d make a move or at least keep on behaving normal with me), him for whatever reason he had. He did on top of that one or two really jerky/hurtful things towards me after i had left and didn't bother facing it when i tried to confront him with the fact that it was kind of lame (he is kind of immature), he ignored me, simply. I ended up cutting him off, i deleted him from fb to preserve myself (was hurt by his behavior + didn't want to follow his entire life on facebook, future girl friends included, he wasn't really talking to me anymore anyways, we were obviously in a weird & unexpected cold).

Anyways, it has been almost over a year now... i saw him only once again since then when i came back to my hometown to visit my grandma: i ran into him at the mall, he acted strange... i had interpreted his "jerky-cowardly" behavior after i had left as disregard, but it didn't seem like it. I must admit i avoided him a bit at first cause i was afraid of his reaction, I didn’t want to be hurt by him ignoring me. But on the contrary, he looked a bit shy and vulnerable, he looked a bit thrilled and afraid at the same time when he realized I was there. He looked like a little boy, he was trying to catch my eyes a bit (he had a puppy look in his eyes, he looked shy, while I had always known him funny, sarcastic, more confident) but was avoidant at the same time, he seemed honestly stressed out. We finally ended up facing each other. He talked to me, he looked even more emotional and shy than me. He seemed a bit disappointed when i said i was just staying a few more hours (had to catch my plane to go back later that evening). We didn't talk long at all, we were both in a rush (he had important an appointment), and he didn't suggest to catch up and hasn't contacted me again since then either.

I don't think I still have feelings for him but i regret having lost a friend... do you think i could contact him again, ask how he is doing, or does it look like i should just forget about it cause he probably doesn't care... (he could have contacted me too after all... he knows he did jerky things and that ignoring me when i was trying to tell him his behavior was a bit lame made it even worse). I know don’t if he hasn’t tried to contact me cause I had cut him off because of his stupid behavior towards me, or because he simply doesn’t care at all and doesn’t want to.
Guys, if you'd have had liked a girl and been good friend with her for a year and you had so brutally cut contact with one another with no proper explanation, would be likely to talk to her again or do you rather just delete girls easily from your mind once they've "disappeared" from your life ?
I just regret how things went, he was a nice person and we connected well even on a friendly page, i'd just like us to be in good terms again and try to talk again a bit from time to time. I miss talking to him, I miss the friend.

Sorry for all the details... thank you sooo so much if you bothered reading all of this... and thanks in advance for your help !

kiffer

*Deep breath*

OK...
You liked him but turned him away repeatedly, you knew he liked you, settled in a friend groove for a while and when you were about to move far away you confronted him told him you liked him and wanted him to tell you if he was interested in you?

This upset him, you stopped talking and when you ran into each other months later he acted oddly?

Is that right?

sandra181

this might sound weird but i wasn't sure "he liked me", no... i have zero experience, i'm the shy kind that gets a bit scared when a guy pays attention to me, i'm surely not a player. That's why i didn't speak up, i actually wanted to, months and months before i left and we had the talk, but i renounced cause i was too scared of his reaction, i never did such a thing, and i was scared like hell that he might reject me and stop being my friend. I was somehow hoping things would evolve by themselves, but it turned out we were both blocked and unaware of the others' feelings.

I don't know if he was hurt by it and upset. We communicated badly the whole time, mostly because i started screwing up the communication at the beginning i admit it.

... your answer doesn't enlighten me that much but thanks anyways

Virgil°

Sounds like he was annoyed at the way you behaved tbh OP.

You flat-out reject him, pretend to be his friend for a while despite the fact that clearly wasn't what either of you wanted and then let him know , at the very end when he could do nothing about it, that you liked him after all.

I'd say just leave him be. At this stage to him, in my opinion you're probably just a girl who he feels made a fool of him. He doesn't sound all that eager to reconnect.

You can make other friends easily, let this one go and move on.

Virgil°

sandra181 wrote: »

this might sound weird but i wasn't sure "he liked me", no... i have zero experience, i'm the shy kind that gets a bit scared when a guy pays attention to me, i'm surely not a player. That's why i didn't speak up, i actually wanted to, months and months before i left and we had the talk, but i renounced cause i was too scared of his reaction, i never did such a thing, and i was scared like hell that he might reject me and stop being my friend. I was somehow hoping things would evolve by themselves, but it turned out we were both blocked and unaware of the others' feelings.

I don't know if he was hurt by it and upset. We communicated badly the whole time, mostly because i started screwing up the communication at the beginning i admit it.

... your answer doesn't enlighten me that much but thanks anyways

But you said in your initial post that he "chased you". It literally couldn't have been more obvious that he liked you. And if your first post was anything to go by you knew it too no?

sandra181

i think i found it hard to believe cause again, not many guys had ever been after me, and especially, no guy i could potentially have interest in and connect with. I found him very charming and interesting, troubling the first time i met him and felt something from the beginning. Usually guys i feel that way about don't even see me... I couldn't believe he had noticed me and was coming so strong on me without even knowing me that well yet. I felt awkward and insecure and was somehow sure that if he'd have time alone with me and start taking the romantic way with me he'd be soon disappointed cause i would have had no idea of what i was doing... i've never been a "gf".
He scared me... i would have been way more comfortable with his invitations if he had made after 2 or 3 months, cause at that point i felt more comfortable around him. This sounds amazingly stupid, it's sabotage...clearly. But it's kind of how it went on my side. I was paralyzed by what he inspired me and by my fears.
So when he started ignoring me after a few weeks of the "chasing behaviour", i just though "ah, yeah... knew it, he doesn't care at all...i was just stupid to even consider believing in this". I couldn't see his reaction was a logical consequence of mine at that point, and that maybe he was acting cold and was avoiding me because of that.

beks101

OP you remind me of me about five years ago.

Relatively relationship inexperienced and held back romantically by your insecurities. You've decided you're a "certain type of girl ", never the girl that gets the guy she wants, so that's become a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. You didn't let yourself get this one either because you'd already written the script for yourself in your head.

The problem is, from his perspective it was all pretty simple - he liked you, expressed that repeatedly, you gave him the cold shoulder, friend-zoned him & proceeded to dangle the possibility of something more before his eyes like a carrot with your flirty, ambiguous behaviour...until, cold shoulder again.

So basically, as far as he's concerned, you're a headfcuk and you probably hurt him a bit too. So that's why he seems vulnerable, nervous around you.

Ordinarily I'd say respect him by leaving him be and moving on, but clearly there was something there between you both and what the hell, life is short. Why not shoot him a mail / FB message apologizing for all the confusing, head melting behaviour and for cutting him out as a friend. Why not tell him it came from a place of insecurity and fear on your part and was not reflective of your true feelings for him . Why not tell him he deserved better, you're truly sorry for how it ended and you'll never bother him again if that's what he wants, but just know that you truly had feelings for him and hope the next time you meet won't be as awkward / painful for him.

That's it - sorry and I care; and leave him be. If he feels it's worth it, he'll follow up with you. If not, he won't. But at least you'll have taken responsibility for your behaviour by apologizing.

LegacyUser

Your story is identical to mine. Literally, identical.

Down to the blaming myself for things not happening. I was not sure if this guy liked me, like you. I couldnt read signs/signals (from him). And it made me nervous. He once tried to hold my hand and I pulled away, even though I liked him, I panicked. Almost like I didnt know what to do. I was stunned he wanted to hold MY hand. But the panic was never about him. He was lovely. I just seized up! All he saw was "yer one doesnt like me". It just moved a little quickly for me. The action happened before my brain had a chance to understand what was going on.

In this happening, I actually have realised I am more a verbal communicator. If he had said to me "I like you", would have translated to me alot quicker. But its not his fault. He didnt know.

I put him in the friend-zone, even though I liked him. There wasnt really any other place I could think of to put him. Because I still liked him/had hopes. Im not a shy person, but I was too shy around him. We met one more time after that. And Id hopes something might happen. But it didnt. Got zero signals this time (even to the minus if thats possible). I got the "lets be friends" spiel. He felt there was no chemistry (I asssure you Ive no problem with chemistry with guys!). But all he saw was a nervous person.

But in the end, I felt trying to be friends with him wouldnt do me any good. Now we have no contact at all, which is a pity as I genuninely liked him. I realised if he had liked me in any shape of form, as awkward as I am, he would have tried or tried to understand. But he didnt.

Be friends with someone you have a candle lit for, but at your own peril.