Have a baby with partner but his ex wife lives around the corner - help!

mangotracy

Hi,

I'm not sure I can face a future like this, please advise!

I know I should have known this before I moved with my partner, but his wife (they are not yet divorced) lives around the corner and there is daily, albeit mostly text, contact. They have four daughters, one lives with us and the others are around every weekend. It was only after I moved in and became pregnant (planned) that I realised it was HUGE thing to take on, and I'm exhausted.

His kids are teenagers and are fine girls, I try my best with them, make dinner etc but I think they are never going to bond with me and my sons that closely. I accept that mostly, and just try and walk that line between being responsible for them when their Dad is out and giving them space. My son called them all sisters at first but they kind of made it clear they didn't want to be that close. Fair enough. Now I have a baby with my partner and they do get on okay.

My partner and I have had problems recently, mostly over his inappropriate keeping up of women friends and also his ex wife. He'll text her at midnight, 1am every few weeks, 'in case he forgets to the next day', apparently about mundane stuff to do with the kids. Every morning he goes to the house to pick up all the kids and take them to school. The ex used to phone the house phone every weekend which I hate, often in those snatched morning moments when I was in bed with my partner. I don't know why she felt she had to phone, we had all the kids to look after like we do every weekend! Now there is lots of contact over the eldest daughter over her messy separation from the father of her kid. It used to be worse, the ex had the key to our house and would let herself in! I stopped that. But she also drops off the kids whenever she wants to the house, they haven't got agreed times which drives me crazy. Once I asked the ex to just contact me first so that at least I would know, before she dropped off one of them during the week (when usually she has them after school), it's a good few hours before her Dad was due back from work, I was ill, managing the baby and my son and I don't mind looking after them, but I need to be asked and in advance, that's all I ask. But I just got a load of abuse and my partner didn't back me up, just said he 'could see both sides'. She still doesn't talk to me and refuses to contact me or text if she is going to drop off the children. She says I don't need to be responsible for the children, but if she doesn't know whether the father is even going to be home, and that it's me who will have to make them dinner etc?! I'm kind of sick of being taken for granted and I've talked to my partner but he is soft and doesn't like confronting her and just appeases her.

I guess it's taken so much effort just to be taken seriously as a new partner, I don't mind being an adult for the children here but I don't need to contact my ex daily, nor do I ever leave him with my partner without checking that's ok. If his Dad has him, he would never drop him off early with my partner without checking first.

My partner is also quite broke, he made a mistake really by remortgaging his house, as part of the separation agreement, and buying her a big house outright in her name. He pays her regular maintenance but a few months ago she went a bit mad asking for more money. She works every weekend now, without checking with me or my partner if it was ok if we always had the kids every weekend. We do anyway, but just assuming that is a bit much. I feel sad for the kids, they say they see enough of their mum but I'm sure they'd rather see her more than always having me at the weekend, even with their Dad here.

One lives with us all the time too and gets very little time with her mum, even though she needs quite a lot of boosting, she's no confidence, hair untidy etc. I've bought her stuff for her hair etc and my partners sister took her to the hairdresser but her mum just talks a lot to my partner but doesn't do anything, she seems more concerned with all the gossip about the eldest's separation and texts my partner saying please call, I'm worried, sorry to bother you but I'd really like to speak etc, etc.

To be honest. Sometimes I feel that there's no room for me or my partner to just have our own lives, with his girls and our family. Occasionally a break even? And no needy ex and eldest daughter, she's grown up now and the other girls need us more but he just can't see it.

Sorry about the long, ranting post. I suppose I can't really see why they have to have so much contact. Anything my partner wants to do about his eldest is up to him, no need for her to be involved. Anything with the children, well it's me and him that look after them mostly, so why any texts at all except to tell us if they will be early/late? They can't be friends and me the enemy, it's just not going to work.

Taltos

Better suited here OP.
Please note for anyone who has followed this thread from S&D the Relationship Issue charter now applies, please ensure you have read it before posting.

Thanks
Taltos

Obliq

Wow girl! That's a bit more extreme than your other thread here (in which you mentioned having left him this summer, and have since come back) - My post in that thread still stands......you're in trouble. And I can see this is big trouble. I asked were you happier when you had been away from him that time, so I'll ask that again here if you don't mind?

Taltos

OP sorry but as posters are asked not to have more than one thread open I am closing this one, unfortunately I did not know you already had a thread open here.
If you want us to merge your threads please let us know.

Taltos