Trying to forgive cheating boyfriend

mangotracy

I'm back living with my boyfriend, after leaving him in the summer.I found out that he had been texting other women, met and kissed some of them. We have a one year old baby, and we live with his daughters. He is trying to make up for what he did. But it's not easy. I feel quite isolated, I don't come from where we live but he's lived here his whole life. There are constant dilemmas with his kids and his ex lives round the corner. She hasn't got a new partner and has asked for more money even though he pays maintenance and bought her a house.

And he's got a lot of women friends that share confidences and I feel excluded. Today his best female work friend invited him only, not me, to her wedding. He said she'd done that with other work people but I'm sick of being outside his life and ignored by his female friends. I'm struggling to feel like the most treasured woman in his life and feel like giving up.

Obliq

mangotracy wrote: »

I'm back living with my boyfriend, after leaving him in the summer.I found out that he had been texting other women, met and kissed some of them. We have a one year old baby, and we live with his daughters. He is trying to make up for what he did. But it's not easy. I feel quite isolated, I don't come from where we live but he's lived here his whole life. There are constant dilemmas with his kids and his ex lives round the corner. She hasn't got a new partner and has asked for more money even though he pays maintenance and bought her a house.

And he's got a lot of women friends that share confidences and I feel excluded. Today his best female work friend invited him only, not me, to her wedding. He said she'd done that with other work people but I'm sick of being outside his life and ignored by his female friends. I'm struggling to feel like the most treasured woman in his life and feel like giving up.

I'm sorry to hear how hard things are for you at the moment. Can't be at all good for you to be so isolated and be surrounded by your boyfriend's friends and family exclusively. Can I ask whether you were happier when you were away from him in the summer? I imagine you weren't as you went back to him, but was that because you had less support with your baby than when you were with him? Did you move nearer to your own family/friends? And you clearly still have feelings for him.

I'd love to say "He's not worth the bother, leave him, you're better off" but I know I had problems in hearing that from other people, and until I could recognise for myself that I was better off as a lone parent, I didn't listen or appreciate what people were saying.

Also, in what way is he trying to make up for cheating on you? As you say yourself, you don't feel treasured. Honestly, you deserve to be made to feel like the most important person in his life, next to his kids.......perhaps one problem here may be that you don't KNOW you deserve better than this yet, and are (having gone back to him) prepared to let him have chance after chance to make you feel like sh*t by not putting you on the pedestal as number one woman out of the (clearly numerous) females in his life. I'm sure he's a charmer, but you're in trouble here by the sounds of it.

mangotracy

Thanks for taking the time to reply and your kind words Obliq. I did feel happier being around my friends and family, they are a long way away from where I live with my partner. I'm very social and used to have a lot of contact with them.

But I do still have feelings for him, and I was a single parent after my last child and I really wanted to make it work this time. I've stuck it out with him and been very loyal.

To be fair to him he's completely turned around since I've been back. I'd honestly had enough of the betrayals. He worked hard to get me back, let's me have access to his phone, everything, and asked me to give it a year. I said I needed to feel like the important person in his life, aside from kids.

I've never had this before, staying with someone who cheated on me. He said he'd got married too young, and then when he separated he got very flirtatious, women generally love him, and couldn't stop even when he met me. Five years previously, he had been loyally married for 13 years.

I think this invitation that doesn't include me is another symptom of that. I was upset today because he didn't seem to get it that his whole friendship with a female work colleague that was so close is not going to help us in our relationship. If she was his best friend, and they did share confidences, like he said - then why not invite me? I've only met her once, it's crazy. I think he wants to go to the wedding with my blessing but I told him it's not really great for us.

I wrote another post as I've got so much I want to get off my chest! His ex wife lives around the corner and used to be quite intrusive, phoning and coming around the house. That is better now, but I don't think my boyfriend knows where the boundaries are. If he forgets something about the kids, he'll text her, even at midnight. It's harmless but also just wrong. His eldest daughter is needy, going through a messy separation with her baby's fatehr and wants my boyfriend to pay for solicitors/come to court/social services with him etc, his ex wife gets upset about it and 'wants to talk'. She asks for more money when he bought her a house and now we are completely broke and in negative equity.

They all need to give us some space! We are also trying to bring up three of his daughters, and my son and our baby. We've enough to deal with. I've enough to deal with! I've told him all these things. He's trying but he's too soft, and I'm sick of being the only one to point out that our relationship needs protecting and nurturing, and ex wifes/best girlfriends who don't invite me are not helping!!

maria34

Well he is not trying hard enough is he?

To be honest i would have been gone a while ago. No respect whatsoever.

Obliq

"I really wanted to make it work this time". That's the sentence that sprung out at me first OP, and I'll tell you why. I have 2 boys with different fathers and I spent a long long time too long with my youngest's father in an emotionally abusive relationship (with some physical stuff thrown in for good measure). I'm not proud of this now, but one of the reasons I stayed so long was "really wanting to make it work this time", thinking my boys deserved a family that stayed together, and so I stuck it out for their sake. Took a good few crappy years for me to realise they didn't deserve our family at all, and by that time my boys witnessed altogether too much fighting and strife.

I'm not saying there's fighting in your family, but alarm bells are ringing for me with the amount of stress you're under in terms of parenting your own kids under these circumstances, never mind other people's and all the baggage that goes with messy ex's, messy break-ups and messy partners who can't seem to draw a line between your family and every other woman's family he knows. You have too much going on there. I read your other thread and tbh, I'm thinking it's so extreme between all the kids (that you clearly care about) and their parents/ex's, that I'm wondering are you having a hard time giving your own eldest enough attention?

Don't want to freak you out, but give it a few years in the circumstances you describe and your little boy may be lost and lashing out.....I know my eldest did, and we're so much better out of all the stress now and I'm in a totally stable relationship with a fella (little baggage, no kids) that they adore, whilst they're still seeing their dads regularly. You could do better than running yourself into the ground for people who clearly don't appreciate you as any more than a glorified babysitter.

You're under no obligation to give this guy a year. Feelings for him......hmmm. How do they compare to the way you're feeling so lost, unappreciated and lonely now?

Obliq

Ps. "They all need to give us some space!" - They're not going to give it hon, you'll have to take it, or make it. GET yourself some space - start making demands, that if they aren't met or cause too much trouble.....well, you'll know where you stand then if you don't already. Good luck ;-)

mangotracy

Thanks again for all the advice. I totally understand where you're coming from obliq, and admire you for your courage. I need to think about it, and think of me and my two boys. I do feel overwhelmed at times!

My eldest is brilliant, and gets on well with my partner but finds the girls a bit excluding. I spend a lot of time with him but if I'm ultimately tires he'll eventually get a less good mum.

My boyfriend just texted to say he won't go to the wedding. His ex etc is more tricky, he's taken to hiding all their demands to not trouble me. Not sure it works!

Obliq

mangotracy wrote: »

Thanks again for all the advice. I totally understand where you're coming from obliq, and admire you for your courage. I need to think about it, and think of me and my two boys. I do feel overwhelmed at times!

My eldest is brilliant, and gets on well with my partner but finds the girls a bit excluding. I spend a lot of time with him but if I'm ultimately tires he'll eventually get a less good mum.

My boyfriend just texted to say he won't go to the wedding. His ex etc is more tricky, he's taken to hiding all their demands to not trouble me. Not sure it works!

Yeah, that whole "ex dumps kids on you and gives you an earful" is SO not on. Oh dear! Seems your fella is trying, but she clearly (the ex) won't want there to be any change in how good she had it with the on-tap childcare you and partner provide. Somethings gotta give, and I'll bet it won't be her.......

mangotracy

Obliq wrote: »

Yeah, that whole "ex dumps kids on you and gives you an earful" is SO not on. Oh dear! Seems your fella is trying, but she clearly (the ex) won't want there to be any change in how good she had it with the on-tap childcare you and partner provide. Somethings gotta give, and I'll bet it won't be her.......

Yeah she takes care of herself before anyone. I asked for a week after the baby was born that all the girls stayed with their mum. She did it but later my bf said she had gone on about having done me a big favour. A favour to look after your own kids!

Obliq

mangotracy wrote: »

Yeah she takes care of herself before anyone. I asked for a week after the baby was born that all the girls stayed with their mum. She did it but later my bf said she had gone on about having done me a big favour. A favour to look after your own kids!

Hope you don't think I'm being too nosy here, but did she leave your partner or the other way around? I mean, how do you think he feels about her - you say he's soft, and clearly she dictates how the childcare goes, but does he ever resent that himself and want a bit of space from her? I'll be honest (and I've met this before with another couple I know), it sounds like they have only broken up in terms of living arrangements. Like you said in the other thread (and you could merge them so other people get the bigger picture too?), he answers the phone or picks up the phone to her day and night. You are living in a threesome, even if you ARE the one getting the lay, she's definitely getting half the attention.

He doesn't HAVE to answer the phone (and sometimes that's a hard thing to learn. If my ex had our son, I'd answer the phone immediately in case something happened, but it was usually just a demand for something or a rant. I had to learn not to answer it all the time (boyfriend used to say "let it ring - if it's important, he'll leave a message or try again") and just speak to him in my own time instead of being caught on the hop at any stage, day or night.

Obliq

Btw, it's great your eldest gets on well with him. I'm starting to think you could do with some family mediation here, in terms of getting both you and bf some support for how to deal with the ex and the demands. He does sound soft, and it could only help matters if he was to get some help with toughening up a bit and having confidence to put the foot down. He might 'see both sides' because he feels he has no choice at the moment.

mangotracy

Obliq wrote: »

Btw, it's great your eldest gets on well with him. I'm starting to think you could do with some family mediation here, in terms of getting both you and bf some support for how to deal with the ex and the demands. He does sound soft, and it could only help matters if he was to get some help with toughening up a bit and having confidence to put the foot down. He might 'see both sides' because he feels he has no choice at the moment.

Thanks again! He left her. She's depends on him and he feels guilty. He can't see why I couldn't just ignore her calls etc. It's much better than it was but my complaints have just driven him to contact/talk to her away from me. It alleviates a bit but then all sorts gets decided without me. Maybe I should get a calendar and insist I'm copied in to any texts. I mind the kids more than her after all!

LegacyUser

I am going to tell you this if your happy to be treated like a mug you will left being a mug.
At the moment you are dancing to everyone else tune and trying hard to keep everyone happy but you are miserable doing this.

1. The ex wife.
a) I would let him know that you are no longer going to be treated as a doormat for him, his children, the ex wife and his freinds. I would also let him know that since you are minding his children everyday that things can't be sorted out without your input.
I would also tell him that you are not putting up with him sending text and calling his ex wife late at night.
Also if his wife is texting and ringing him late at night I would ring her early on a Saturday morning and just tell her well I know how you like to keep in contact with us.
When you do this say loundly O sorry are you with someone/ Is that a mans voice I hear ect.

b) I would tell him that you want one weekend a month that it is just you, him and your baby. If he is paying maintance to his wife and you are bring up his 3 children you are entitled to some free time away from her children and to build up your relationship.
His ex may not be happy with this but she needs to realise that you are part of his life and you are entitled to time away from her children. I would also send over a load of washing with them so she has a better idea of what you are doing everyday for her.


c) If you are bringing up his 3 children why is she coming to you looking for money?
The ex wife has a great deal here - he bought her a house and you are minding her 3 children. I would ask your bf how will you pay the bills, put money aside for the childrens education, pay into a pension ect when he keeps giving her money.
I would tell him that you are in negative equity and that you can't afford to keep giving her money. His ex wife needs to be told this now. If she is short of money let her get a job or budget like the rest of us.

2. The needy daughter.
I would chat to your bf about his daughter and tell him that you can't afford to pay her legal bills ect. I would say to him if his dughter has a low income that she may be entitled to legal aid. I would remind him that since you have the 3 children full time his wife has far less expenses and she can pay these legal bills if she wants.

3. Tell your boyfriend that his best friend does not need to know everthing that goes on
between you both. Let your boyfriend know that if you are part of his life you want to meet and get to know his friends. I would also tell him I come before them.

4. Another thing that you need to bring up now is that you want some time on your own as a couple. This means that you have a night out each month just the two of you.
I would also tell him that you want a night off each week as you need brake to meet up with your friends ect.

I know that if you do the above his ex is not going to be happy but it is time for her to move on. It is time for your bf to realise that you are not the unpaid housekeeper either.

If his ex wife makes any smart comments you can do the following:
Ask her have you met another man yet in front of the children. Then say to the children you know that Mammy and Daddy are not getting back together but your Mammy won't tell us that she has a boyfriend.

In front of your bf - Is that another new coat ect and we can't afford anything new.

Tell all the children - Mammy is minding you and baby at the weekend when we go away.
Another good one for the children to carry back to her - Daddy has a new phone and new number so you can't keep ringing him.

fungun

For someone who is trying to be forgiven for cheating and wants to really make it work this time....Id expect more from him.

Actions speak louder than words. Its clearly your call, but Id be reminding him how he was promising to put you first (except for the kids) and that things like texting his ex at midnight, going to weddings of friends without you and financially supporting others whilst you guys dont have enough doesnt really align with his promise.

mangotracy

fungun wrote: »

For someone who is trying to be forgiven for cheating and wants to really make it work this time....Id expect more from him.

Actions speak louder than words. Its clearly your call, but Id be reminding him how he was promising to put you first (except for the kids) and that things like texting his ex at midnight, going to weddings of friends without you and financially supporting others whilst you guys dont have enough doesnt really align with his promise.

Thanks for the advice, it really helps. Actions do speak louder than words and I deserve better. He said he wouldn't go to the wedding 'if it would cause me pain'. I suppose I wanted him to not go because HE knows it's the right thing, and spare me having to ask.

I've just said to him I won't look after his daughters over half term, but I somehow feel guilty. But I've done it before and just been totally taken for granted by both him and his ex wife.

I didn't even know he was financially supporting his eldest while I've been scrimping on the shopping, it was only because I read his texts (he lets me look at his phone now). He's too soft, it's those who ask the loudest that get his attention and I don't really ask for much.

mangotracy

Thanks again. You are right I need to be much clearer about what I want to change or it never will. I ask for things, then it kind of half changes a bit, but there should be much more.

I should make it clear that the ex wife does have two children living with her during the week. But we have them every weekend, and we have her other daughter all the time, she goes round after school for dinner and then straight back to ours but that's the only contact she has with her mother, she stays overnight maybe once every two months. And the one who lives with us is the one who needs most, she doesn't brush her hair unless I make her, needs special help at school with her work etc.

Once she came straight back from school all the time, and I thought that's crazy, she's never seeing her mother and I never know in advance so she doesn't have dinner, so I texted the ex could she let me know if she's going to drop off her daughter and she went mad at me, abusive texts telling me I never had to be responsible for her daughters as they were old enough. I said no matter what she thought I did feel responsible for them if they were here, teenagers need a load of minding even if it's getting them to brush their hair or remember school work or seeing if their getting in to trouble (the eldest did). The ex now refuses to communicate with me and that was months ago.

Obliq

Oh jaysus, your situation is messy :-( Wise Lady up above offered you better advice than I did, but I'd add that to have the personal strength to make some consistant changes you will need some proper back-up. You have NO support, where you are and your family is miles away. There are relationship support services, some of them only ask for a donation of whatever you can afford, if anything.....could you try and explain your situation to someone in a position to offer some strategies?

Wise Lady talked about getting taken for a mug - it's true I think that you've gotten yourself into a position where you're the one trying to keep all the balls in the air, while other people throw them at you. What would happen if you threw them back a bit more? Who else would do any of the running around after them? You actually are making choices here, by putting up with this sh*t and refusing to let the balls hit the ground. The more I hear, the more I want to say get the hell out of dodge, but you'll decide how much you can take when you need to I'm sure. Again, good luck......

Tasden

OP while wiselady may have some good advice, I don't think I'd agree with the passive aggressive way of bringing up her new clothes in front if your boyfriend or her new boyfriends in front of the kids. I just don't think its appropriate discussing things like that in front of the kids and passing messages to the ex through the kids its a little unfair on them no matter how innocent the messages may be.

I understand the ex/kids mother situation- its tough. I'm going through a similar situation atm, albeit not as heavy as yours. In my situation I am trying to just be the bigger person in order to be "on side" with my partner. Letting it gloss over as if I couldn't care less- even if it does require me letting off steam to my best friend once in a while. I don't think that's much help to you though as your situation seems to require more action than mine. I guess all I can do is offer you the best of luck.

jdsk2006

Your goal should be to set boundaries without creating a toxic situation between the adults concerned. At the end of the day the kids will suffer the most from improper management of the situation.....if it turns sour there's rarely a way back from that

mangotracy

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Your goal should be to set boundaries without creating a toxic situation between the adults concerned. At the end of the day the kids will suffer the most from improper management of the situation.....if it turns sour there's rarely a way back from that

I think there is a lot of good advice in these posts. And it's really helpful just to remind myself that it IS a difficult situation. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one with a problem with it and then my partner/ex everyone kind of blames me!

And it's true, it has gone sour with the ex wife, but it was pretty **** to begin with. She liked me at first, but only because I looked after her kids without a fuss, even her nephew, until I started to say no and try and create healthy boundaries. Then it all kicks off, every time!

I think it's one of the reasons why my partner went off me and turned to other women.

mangotracy

Oh but I should also add. Before I came along it was so unhealthy with the eldest two, living with my partner. Because he works long hours and his ex wife just kind of never had the eldest two staying with her so I think they got a bit neglected. My partner did his best, and they were older teenagers, but I don't think he could see how they needed the input of their mum as much as the younger two.

I tried to point this out, I wasn't living here at the time. I said the eldest is going a bit wild with boyfriends and needs guidance and boundaries. She wasn't getting on with her mum which is why she moved in with my partner. But to cut a long story short she ended up pregnant, didn't tell her parents, moved out with her boyfriend and is now going through a messy split, no job etc.

So now I'm concerned about the second eldest, still living with us, practically never staying over with her mum. But she won't have her over to stay hardly at all. She says she wants to, says she's concerned but it's all talk. How do I get my partner to insist that she stays with her mum, even if it's every other weekend, or even once a month, and for the half term week? He says he can't force his ex. She says 'she lives with us' and just has her for a couple of hours here and there. It's not right, the girl doesn't want me telling her to brush her hair, she needs her mum to do it and she's moody a lot.

CaraMay

You seem to be willing to take any kind if bad treatment just to be in a relationship. He cheated on you repeatedly yet you make excuses for why he did it. No man is worth the loss of your self respect and self esteem so I hope you get your back by leaving him and his mess.