Dating question about a girl

Est28

Hey, I know this is a general issues board so I hope it's ok to ask a question about dating. (Since people always ask what age we're talking, we're both 29.)

Long story short I've been out with a girl 3 times over the last month or so. Now when we've met and talked she was really nice, really sweet and she's gorgeous, I really liked her. We've kissed and she seems really complimentary and fun like she was having a really good time.

The trouble I'm having is in between dates. She is non-existant. Now, I'm not someone to be texting or calling all the time, not at all, so it's not like I'm pestering her. But after I got her number the first time it took a few weeks until the 1st date. She was very non-commital when I asked her out but eventually she got back in touch and apologized and asked if I could meet her one Friday night.

In between that, if I ask her out... she's obviously said yes, but I usually have to text because she never responds to her phone. If I text and ask her out, she'll say yes but she'll take a day or two to answer. I've followed up in between date with the occasional text just to be in touch but again, not a lot, like once a week. She doesn't initiate, if I do she might shoot me a short message back but not much chat.

As it stands, I decided to give it one last shot and see if she could make plans this weekend. As usual she took 24 hours to respond, just now, and has said yes but something about plans earlier in the day but she could meet me after, so she's up for meeting but I can't really set definite plans because I'm assuming I'll be left waiting again.

She's such a pretty girl and in person is so nice I can't help wanting to give it a shot at seeing her again but the lack of response's is really frustrating me. I keep getting the impression she is not interested when she's quiet the week after we've gone out yet later she'll eventually be in touch and agree to go out again. But even at that, if I try to set definite plans, it's always just left up in the air until the last minute.

Is it just me? To be honest I know people aren't glued to their phones but if someone asks you out it's a straight forward question, if you're interested say yes, if not, just politely decline and it's no big deal. But when it feels like someone is blowing hot and cold and apparently only looking at their phone once every 24-48 hours I start to get a bit miffed. There's no point in pushing it too much, we've only been out a few times so that'd be a huge turn-off, I'm trying to just let it play out but like, if I someone asked ME to go out on a Saturday, they are obviously offering me the evening over other plans with friends or whatever so I'd give them the courtesy of letting them know rather than let them stew until Saturday night as if they had nothing else to do.

I can't tell if she's just really crappy at texting/phoning, just trying to play hard to get since she DOES eventually accept the offer or is she just stringing me along a bit?
Over-thinking? Or is she just not bothered and I'd be better off letting it go?

Leilak

she's just not that into you :cool:

Est28

Leilak wrote: »

she's just not that into you :cool:

That's fair enough, I'd assume you are right but why not just turn down the date offer or just say she's not interested, then we all know and it's done with... is this some kinda kick to string it out or something?

If a guy continues to ask you out after a previous date he's obviously interested somewhat... if you're not wouldn't you just turn it down? Then we know where it stands and no big deal, nobodies head is wrecked.

Leilak

do u know has she somebody else? sounds like she may be just keeping her options open

newuser30

Someone leaving it up to the last minute to let you know whether they're going to meet you or not is keeping their options open, possibly for a better offer.

'if someone asked ME to go out on a Saturday, they are obviously offering me the evening over other plans with friends or whatever so I'd give them the courtesy of letting them know rather than let them stew until Saturday night as if they had nothing else to do.'

Exactly, so why are you givin her all this power, effectively 'leaving you to stew'? Seriously, you've only seen each other a few times and you are putting all your eggs in the 1 basket and she is keeping you right there as a back up plan. IMO you should stop contacting her altogether, she will probably after a week or more send you some sort of lazy text, but I wouldn't count on it.

lmos

Keeping her options open I think...move on swiftly!

ah op, i think everyone here is being a bit harsh in this instance.
thats the usual in PI, but to be fair to the girl, ye have only gone out 3 times, is that right? a few anyway!

so, maybe she has just had a while trying to find the right guy, or the good guy, or even a half decent guy??
give her a bit of a break, so she doesnt answer straight away, either do i, might not see my phone for few hours, sometimes forget to answer. my friends are used to me texting after a few hours or the next day, saying sorry i forgot!!

and maybe she is just worried about looking too eager.

ah in fairness, i would give it a little while longer, hold on a few more weeks. why the rush? maybe she is worried bout rushing things? maybe she had some bad experiences in the past. maybe she wants to be sure.

give it a few more weeks, till ye know each other better, till ye know more about each other.

just have fun for a while!!

Est28

bubblypop wrote: »

ah op, i think everyone here is being a bit harsh in this instance.
thats the usual in PI, but to be fair to the girl, ye have only gone out 3 times, is that right? a few anyway!

so, maybe she has just had a while trying to find the right guy, or the good guy, or even a half decent guy??
give her a bit of a break, so she doesnt answer straight away, either do i, might not see my phone for few hours, sometimes forget to answer. my friends are used to me texting after a few hours or the next day, saying sorry i forgot!!

and maybe she is just worried about looking too eager.

ah in fairness, i would give it a little while longer, hold on a few more weeks. why the rush? maybe she is worried bout rushing things? maybe she had some bad experiences in the past. maybe she wants to be sure.

give it a few more weeks, till ye know each other better, till ye know more about each other.

just have fun for a while!!

Yeah, all those things are true and that could well be it. Taking it slow, not being eager... it's just kind of frustrating. As I said, I'm not really a "phone person" myself. I don't really call and text much except out of function. So the last thing I would be doing here is blowing up her phone constantly...

I've just met all sorts of girls before with this stuff and I don't get it anymore. I mean, if I am interested in someone I'm naturally happy to see their text and want to text back. Some girls just play these little games to hold the "power" as someone else said but to be honest, I'm 29, I'm not a kid and when women do that at this age it just turns me off.
I've had other girls just completely never answer their phone again after weeks or months of dating rather than ever "end" it.

Its totally true, we've only gone out a few things but it's been strung out over a while now, over 2 months ago since I actually met her and got her number, so it's really really slow. All that bugs me is that I kinda like her so I'd at least like to know if there's any possibility of it going forward or if I'd be better just not annoying myself thinking about it and letting her go.

If I ask her out it's a bit of a challenge but she does always accept in the end. If I stop texting after a lack of responce from her she eventually gets back in touch... so I know it's not the end of the world but after 3 dates wouldn't you just kinda know if you're bothered to continue seeing each other? If it was me I'd either begin to warm up to the person a little so they know I'm at least kinda interested or I'd just let them down as easily as I could... the whole wishy washy approach is absolutely head wrecking.

I know some folks will say I'm pushing it but in fairness, we've had 3 dates since we met 2 months ago and there's only really the odd text in between due to the time it takes to get a response so I'm not pushing it, I'm out meeting other people I just particularly like this girl and would give it a shot to see more of her if it was on the table. If she flat out never replied or accept a date I'd take the hint (as poor form as it would be to do it that way) but thats not EXACTLY the case so if she's leaving the door open I'm at least giving it a shot but it's totally frustrating.

lmos

Ahh yeah but when ur interested its hard to resist...regardless of trying to play hard to get or not wanting to rush into things.

Est28

lmos wrote: »

Ahh yeah but when ur interested its hard to resist...regardless of trying to play hard to get or not wanting to rush into things.

Fair enough, I guess you guys know my mind better than I do.

Rhys Essien

OP,if you are meeting her this weekend,ask her face to face where do you stand.At least you will find out then and there if its worth continuing.

All the best.

lmos

Sorry OP I was referring to bubblypops' response. My basic point being, if a girl is really interested, its hard to resist. So I'm guessing this girl isnt really interested and possibly keeping her options open. Personally I think u have great patience. I would bite the bullet and ask her straight out, you know where to go from there. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Est28

Thanks all,
Yeah, so I don't even know if I'm supposed to see her this weekend. She sent one text last night a day after I had asked her out. The gust was that she's doing something else "but could see you after".

I replied to that to let her know my plans in that case and whether she'd give me a heads up about meeting up. Of course she offered no response to that. I had no idea when or where or even if that meant we were meeting... I guess I'm just supposed to sit around home until she feels like calling (or more likely not) on Saturday night? Um... I wouldn't have the nerve to carry on this way with someone.

She's prob not totally interested & keeping opinions open, I get it. But for god sake, we're both 29 year old professionals. I'd expect this out of girls when I was younger in secondary school, but not now! It's a bit of a turnoff now. Nobody is "that" busy that they can't just give someone the courtesy of a text a few hours later even to let them know the story.

Leilak

Move on, she's being diplomatic by not committing to anything in 6 months time if she doesn't hear anything from you she just may come crawling back but by then you could be with someone who's mad about you - good look op

Dellnum

So you met the girl and had a great first date. Did you text her within the next few days after that date or did you leave her hanging wondering when you were going to text again. Just saying this because if you left it for days she may have just been wondering where you were and so was not that enthusiastic about replying straight away the next time you got in touch. However, if you texted within a day or two after the first date and she left you hanging for a reply I would consider this bad manners to start with.

After the first date, when did you ask for the 2nd date. If you left it for over a week I would think she is just miffed and is playing it cool.

If you guys have not been out recently and you asked her out for Sat. night then I would not be surprised if she is not available and I would think it sounds good that she wants to meet up with you after. Now if this doesn't suit you why not just say so and ask her to name a night when she is free, rather than you meeting her after her other plans.

It comes across to me that you go out on a date with this girl, then you text her casually a few days later but there is no further dates made for the next week. Then you are miffed that she doesn't accept your invitation for a date the minute you do decide to ask her out.

I don't know if I am getting this right or not but that is how it appears to me. You have known her 2 months, that is 8 weeks but you have only seen her 3 times. If you have only asked her out 3 times then I am not surprised that she keeps you waiting for a reply. However, if you have asked her out each week and she has only accepted 3 times then I would say she is not that into you.

Est28

Dellnum,

In an effort to keep the story short I didn't go into too much detail but I think you have the wrong idea, I've been as pro-active as I can without over-doing it when I'm not getting a response.

So I got her number... we chatted a little by text and I asked her out. She wasn't too commital. So a few days later I asked again about another night.. she "sort of" accepted but kinda left me hanging as she didn't reply with a definite yes... I text her on the day of just to check if we were still on... She text back right away saying she couldn't make it.

So I left it go through that weekend and she text me the next Tuesday apologizing for being so busy and asked if I could meet that Friday. We met, it went really nicely. We met early after work and spend around 3-4 hours at a bar. I got home later and just text to say I had a nice time, was good to see her, etc... and she replied in kind.

A few days later I just sent another text, just a sort of "Hi, hows it going" to see how receptive she was. She text me back right away and I asked if she'd come to a thing in the city that Friday... no reply... 2 days later on Thurs she replied saying "Yes! That sounds fun! Meet at 8? x" as if I had just text her 5 minutes before. So it was weird but I went anyway as I really wanted to. Again we stayed out late that night and seemed to have a great time. She paid me lots of compliments, we kissed, she seemed really into it.

I text again the next day saying it was great and thanks for coming along, etc...
Left it a few days again to say Hi and she didn't reply for 2 days.
This repeated again and she finally came out again 2 weeks later.

Same this week... I asked her last week if she was free that weekend, got no reply. So I left it go through the weekend.
She was in touch again this week so I just said I'd give it a shot and ask her out again... again, no reply for 24 hours... then she finally said a sort of Yes to Saturday night but that she had another thing on. (Followed by all smiley faces, etc, etc...) I text her back saying that was fine with me and we could meet a little later, just asking to let me know....

That's the last I've heard.

Knowing her form, I'd expect a text maybe tomorrow morning or more likely tomorrow (Saturday) evening sometime... unless she totally blows it off.


So that's more or less it. She's just stringing it out but if I persist she WILL meet up. But I have to persist. It's a little frustrating is all. When I get no reply to asking her out (and I don't mind a reply within 24 hours but more than that is a bit weird in anyones book) I just assume she's not into it, but then she comes back later an accepts.

It's just bugging me. If she's not into it, I'd rather she just say it and I stop wasting my time. It's not a big deal if she's not into it.

It seems like I can't win here judging by the replies... am I texting too much and over-doing it? Am I not texting enough and showing no interest? According to the replies so far, it's ALL OF THE ABOVE!?!?!

My usual form is this: If I have a nice time on a date, I'll text at least by the next day, let the girl know I had fun, thank her for coming out, and say hopefully we can do it again... something like that.
I might leave it a few days to give her space and text again that week and see how she is and see if she's open to going out again maybe that weekend or sometime the suits.
To me that seems fair... I'll let her know I'm still interested after the date, give her a little space and then check in with her, and if she's receptive to that, try to ask her out on another date....
... if someone is interested they'll usually respond positively, maybe she'll text me first in between if she's very interested... and if she's totally not then she can choose to either ignore my text or just let me know she's not into it.

But this doesn't follow any pattern. He head says just give up but obviously when you kinda like someone you'll give it a shot if they are still throwing you a string.

thegreatgonzo

Have you ever phoned her? I like it when a guy calls me rather than texting, it cuts out a lot of ambiguity and if we have been out at least once and it went well it makes sense to talk. But here's another thing, you say the dates went nicely, but maybe that's just your opinion. Did one person do most of the talking? Are you getting to know her on these dates? Does she have a complicated work or family life?
If I'm out with a guy I like I like to know at the end of the night that we are going to meet up again, so maybe your way of doing things, texting days after the date doesn't sit well with her. Everybody is different though so I really think you should talk to her.

Jordans n Timbs

She probably has a bf, from experience if you never met her friends etc

Dellnum

Thanks OP for filling me in. Now that you have explained this is what I think. It appears that you have done all the right things, i.e. texted her immediately after the date to let her know you enjoyed the night. Then left it for a couple of days and asked her out again but didn't get a reply until the last minute. Quite honestly this is unacceptable behaviour and shows a lack of respect on her part. There is no excuse for this. She either wants to go on a date with you or she doesn't. I would not put up with this. It doesn't look to me like she is bothered whether she goes out with you or not. She is certainly not acting like she is bothered. I think she must be a very popular girl and has plenty of offers so she keeps you on the long finger in case something better comes along. Sorry, OP but I would forget about this girl before she does your head in. You don't deserve this treatment, nobody does. Forget her.

If she gets back to you at the last minute today or any other day I would just text back and say "sorry I thought you were not interested when I hadn't heard from you so I now have other plans". Do not accept her way of doing things as it would do anyone's head in. Do not grovel to her. If she wants to meet up with you then it is up to her to at least reply within a reasonable time and if she doesn't do this then you are left with no alternative but to think she is not interested. You are not being unreasonable and don't let her make you think you are. She is the unreasonable one and if you want to put a stop to this then act now and don't be left dangling by this one.

Est28

Thanks Dellnum,
Yes, all the you said makes sense and is pretty much what I felt it was but ya know, if anything like this happened with other girls I'd just let it go. I knida liked her so was holding out a little hope.

That's where I was feeling... like there's a few times now where I asked her out, and it never happened because I really got no answer, when we HAVE met up, besides the first time, it's always a last minute reply from her. To be honest, I feel it's a bit much that I'm supposed to wait around with no replies and then still be available.

I said it the last time to a girl friend of mine the last time this girl replied after 2 days saying she wanted to meet that night. My girl friend told me it would be bad form of me to back out now after asking, but I felt I was being a push-over by going and looking a bit lame as if I couldn't make other Friday night plans. So as it stood, I went, we had a nice time, but again the following week it was this waiting game.

I'm obviously on the long-finger though so it's not worth it. As it stands now she text me really late asking what I was doing but even though I kinda knew she would do that, I just left it go tonight. If it was me I'd give someone the courtesy of a text at the very least during that day to see how the night ahead was looking if we were gonna meet up later in the night. My friend was good enough to give me a spare ticket to a gig tonight so I'd have had to leave that as she wouldn't get in and leave my friend hanging then so I didn't wanna show poor form to someone who actually wanted to hang out tonight. I find it rude and pretty obnoxious that she thinks I'd be just sitting around sucking my thumb on a Saturday night waiting for her reply and not just making other plans, I gave her a chance a few days ago to let me know but got nothing back... that's just me though... having read a lot of the replies to this thread it seems like a lot of people think I should be doing that so I kinda despair really that grown women find this ok. I'd say something if we were teenagers.

amtc

Listen, it shouldn't be this hard in the beginning - as someone said, she's just not that into you....

I met a guy earlier this year who would ring at 10pm to go for the last drink....we chatted away great...and I felt a bit guilty as I practically wrote off his car the second time I met him (it was during the high winds, and in order to pick me up the door flew out of my hand, and into a truck). Anyway I was getting sick of this last minute stuff, and said to him to make plans, woo me etc. So I got a text immediately saying no problem, will do, I really like you. Not another word - LET IT GO!

Est28

amtc wrote: »

Listen, it shouldn't be this hard in the beginning - as someone said, she's just not that into you....

I met a guy earlier this year who would ring at 10pm to go for the last drink....we chatted away great...and I felt a bit guilty as I practically wrote off his car the second time I met him (it was during the high winds, and in order to pick me up the door flew out of my hand, and into a truck). Anyway I was getting sick of this last minute stuff, and said to him to make plans, woo me etc. So I got a text immediately saying no problem, will do, I really like you. Not another word - LET IT GO!

Wow, sorry I asked.

Dellnum

You have to take a stand OP. Up to now you have given this girl the impression that you are prepared to wait around for her to make up her mind if she wants to see you or not. Bad move. So you are now telling me that you asked her out for last night during the week and she didn't reply until late last night, that she was unavailable. Is that right? You know something OP I would not ask her out again. She is most definitely not acting like someone who is into you.

Do not think for one minute that you are wrong in all of this and she is right. You are right, she is acting the canister here and will continue to do this until you put a stop to it and if this means you never see her again so be it. Seeing her under these conditions just looks to me like this will never develop into anything anyway so you are not losing out. If she was into you she would be afraid you would get fed up of her behaviour and she wouldn't dream of acting in this way. So this tells me that she is just using you to fill in when she has nothing else to do. You are worth more than that. So don't contact her anymore and if she contacts you and asks you for a meetup just be vague and don't give her a straight answer until the last minute and I bet she doesn't wait for your answer. Something tells me though that she won't be contacting you and even if she does it is just for an ego boost just to see if you are still interested. Move on OP.

Her behavior is not okay but you are letting her away with it so far. :mad:

Santa Cruz

Move on, forget about her unless you wish to be continuously humiliated.

Cork selfbuild

Hi OP,

Bit of a head wrecking situation for you, I wouldn't have said to do anything differently... But since you like her, would you give one last roll of the dice?

I would ring her (not text) and A. Ask to go for a coffee today or B. just ask her straight out over the phone, say I do like you and had fun on our dates, but I'm getting mixed signals and want to know where we stand, ie about the expecting you to wait around, no reply for days and you are thinking she is not interested...

Sometimes actually chatting about your feelings could be the answer one way or another, either you part ways or she knows you'd like more contact, it could change it all? You won't know till you ask... Because you can go on and it continues like this, or you part ways with out knowing why / what etc

Matteroffact

She already knows you like her OP and that you are interested, you don't have to tell her. You are acting like you are into her but she is not acting like she is into you. I would not humiliate myself any further if I were you.

thegreatgonzo

If you only kind of like her like you said above than I don't know why you're bothering. But I agree with Cork Self Build up there, why don't you be more direct and phone her and see what's the story? If it's a situation where she is stringing you along then you can just forget the whole thing. Maybe she doesn't think those meet ups with you were even dates. Maybe she's using you. If I were you I'd be asking her. I wouldn't see this as humiliation either, everybody's egos get bruised from time to time, women's too.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you're wasting your time on a really flakey person. A good friend said to me once when I was complaining about being too busy to meet up "If you want to find the time you'll find the time". That's very true, if you want to meet someone you'll make it happen. Best to ask her straight out if she's interested.

murria

Est28 wrote: »

Wow, sorry I asked.

In fairness to some of the replies you don't seem to like, I've seen your posts to people looking for advice before, eg 39 yr old never been abroad. Your replies usually begin with "don't mean to sound harsh but .." and then you move on to the "cop on to yourself, grow a pair of balls, stop feeling sorry for yourself" stuff.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but she's just using you. You are way down her list, you deserve better.

hey op, have read all the other posts since mine, and to be fair it doesnt seem like she is interested.
i would just ask her out straight when you see her next.
look at her, ask her if she is interested in actually dating properly.
im sure you will know what she thinks by her response.

Est28

murria wrote: »

In fairness to some of the replies you don't seem to like, I've seen your posts to people looking for advice before, eg 39 yr old never been abroad. Your replies usually begin with "don't mean to sound harsh but .." and then you move on to the "cop on to yourself, grow a pair of balls, stop feeling sorry for yourself" stuff.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but she's just using you. You are way down her list, you deserve better.

That was pretty much what I assumed but I decided to ask, and from SOME of the female replies here it sounds like it's pretty par for the course for girls to do this. However, it's just not my way to play these games. I just decided to ask before dropping it completely which I have now. She got one last shot last weekend and kinda messed around before deciding she wanted to meet up late by which time I had just made other plans. End of story, no big deal.

I wasn't "harping on about it" as someone else said. I wrote more detail after my initial question BECAUSE SOMEONE ASKED FOR IT. They hadn't got all the details from my first post and wanted clarification as they got the wrong end of things. I said myself I didn't want to bore anyone from the get go with every little details until it was ASKED ABOUT.


In regards to OTHER threads. I'm not quite sure what that has to do with anything. I don't deny whatsoever that I tend to take different approach to advice here, but only because WHEN I WAS A LOT YOUNGER, I myself was quite shy and cut off and experienced some of the problems I was replying about. The difference being I actually lived it, I came through it very successfully and I can offer actual REAL advice instead of people sitting behind a keyboard telling everyone they are depressed and need medication. I only do it because it's quite damaging. Telling someone who is slightly depressed (not exactly needing extreme measures such as psychotherapy or medication) is VERY damaging to the person and actually makes them believe they have real mental issues which can't be resolved when most of the time, it's not necessary, they can pull themselves out of it.

There is a HUGE difference between someone showing signs of depression due to some circumstances in their life which can be turned around by addressing the issue and someone who is actually clinically depressed or needs medical help. I find it VERY damaging and irresponsible that these diagnoses are allowed on this board. Depression and Suicide is a HUGE topic in Ireland and it's very sad. People are self diagnosing themselves and take it from someone who's been there... it is VERY damaging to be told over and over you have sever mental issues when the reality is, circumstances in your life are just getting on top of you and you would infact NOT be feeling depressed if those circumstances were addressed... it's a very different and serious matter if even THAT would not change the persons mental outlook but that is never the stance taken on this board or in general with people I find. It's very irresponsible.

murria

Est28 wrote: »

That was pretty much what I assumed but I decided to ask, and from SOME of the female replies here it sounds like it's pretty par for the course for girls to do this. However, it's just not my way to play these games. I just decided to ask before dropping it completely which I have now. She got one last shot last weekend and kinda messed around before deciding she wanted to meet up late by which time I had just made other plans. End of story, no big deal.

Good for you, I really don't understand what anyone, female or male, gets from playing those stupid games, I suppose it's just immaturity. At 29 you would hope people would have a fairly good idea of what they want in in a partner and have enough life experience to know how to treat others with kindness and respect. Sorry to hear that she messed you around again but it was good that you didn't dance to her tune and I hope you get over her quickly.

call_me_early

women often say they are interested in you while having practically none , it ensures they will have a guy jumping through hoops for them for a while which they find amusing

Lenmeister

Why are you putting this girl up on a pedestal just because of her looks when you know nothing about her? Because that's the only reason you're hanging around. Don't let her looks blind you from what's going on. She's not really into you, if she was, I don't care how busy her life is it only takes 20 seconds to text back. And Stop texting all the time, if you want proper answers, ring them, it's far more direct and to the point.

All pretty girls have a lot of options, she most likely has a lot of guys in her phonebook which is why she can text you whenever she feels like it. It can be when her plans with other people don't go ahead or when they are coming to a close she texts you as she doesn't want to end up bored.

"over 2 months ago since I actually met her and got her number" - Waste of time. Either this girl has to make time for you or you need to eject. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. If you want a relationship with this girl forget it, not going to happen.