Frustrated and confused - sexless marriage

LegacyUser

So this is the first time I've ever posted on a forum like this but I'm at my wits end. My husband and I married a year and a half ago after being together 9 years prior to that. I'm 30 and he's 37. We're best of friends, share good times and bad and communicate openly with each other about everything bar sex. In the first year of being together we had sex regularly enough, with me constantly being the initiator but following on from that, it just all faded, I'd talk to him and he'd get cross and then we'd fight and I'd ask that we try harder and the cycle continued. This has been ongoing resulting in having sex maybe twice or 3 times a year. However in the last 3 years, there' been nothing really other than on our honeymoon, when we had sex 3 times, I thought that he might finally want to make an effort in the bedroom but instead we haven't had sex since. I'm going out of my mind. I've always had a high sex drive but I'm now at absolute breaking point. We've had a couple of long harrowing conversations in the last month, where he's refused to talk to a therapist/a doctor or take anything for his lack of drive. But then in these conversations, it came out that he's just not physically attracted to me any more. Now I know I put on a little bit of weight, but I also know I'm an attractive girl. I make an effort with how I look and although he's saying it's about how I look, I had held the weight off for over a year and nothing was happening. I've in fact dropped 10lb in the last month and it still hasn't made a difference. I've read The Sex Starved Wife and asked him to read it too so we can explore things together but he doesn't want to. He's admitted that he's been lazy and selfish about not wanting sex and says the next time I ask for it, he'll just go through with it regardless of how he feels. I feel like absolute crap about this. I just feel I deserve better than this. I want my husband to want me and to desire me sexually and not end up feeling like he's just doing it to keep me off his back.
Getting onto the real difficult and confusing bit is the fact that, I'm friends with a guy who kissed me before I got married (over which I was racked with guilt which made me try even harder with my husband) but of late I've met this guy a few times, which resulted in kissing and as of last weekend we slept together. He's so different to my husband and I'm so sexually attracted to him. Any time we've met even before any kissing happened, this guy would always tell me how attractive I was and literally beg me to consider him if I ever left my husband. Obviously since getting physical with him, he's even more open in how attracted he is to me and I'm really conflicted. I want my marriage to work but feeling this desired and physically satisfied is something I've missed terribly in the last 10 years. I just feel I deserve better than this and I just don't know what to do.
I thought I'd be with my husband forever and have a child with him and grow old together but I've reached boiling point over the lack of sex and the lack of desire he has for me. It's great being best friends but this other guy has reawakened something in me that I'm frightened I won't be able to let go of...
Any advice out there?

sandsy frustrated

My heart breaks for you as I know how hard it is. I'm in a sexless marriage now and I know how difficult it is. No amount of hoping it will change later on in life will help...
Believe me I know I'm at my wits end. My husband and I married a year and a half ago after being together 9 years prior to that. I'm 30 and he's 37. We're best of friends, share good times and bad and communicate openly with each other about everything bar sex. In the first year of being together we had sex regularly enough, with me constantly being the initiator but following on from that, it just all faded, I'd talk to him and he'd get cross and then we'd fight and I'd ask that we try harder and the cycle continued. This has been ongoing resulting in having sex maybe twice or 3 times a year. However in the last 3 years, there' been nothing really other than on our honeymoon, when we had sex 3 times, I thought that he might finally want to make an effort in the bedroom but instead we haven't had sex since. I'm going out of my mind. I've always had a high sex drive but I'm now at absolute breaking point. We've had a couple of long harrowing conversations in the last month, where he's refused to talk to a therapist/a doctor or take anything for his lack of drive. But then in these conversations, it came out that he's just not physically attracted to me any more. Now I know I put on a little bit of weight, but I also know I'm an attractive girl. I make an effort with how I look and although he's saying it's about how I look, I had held the weight off for over a year and nothing was happening. I've in fact dropped 10lb in the last month and it still hasn't made a difference. I've read The Sex Starved Wife and asked him to read it too so we can explore things together but he doesn't want to. He's admitted that he's been lazy and selfish about not wanting sex and says the next time I ask for it, he'll just go through with it regardless of how he feels. I feel like absolute crap about this. I just feel I deserve better than this. I want my husband to want me and to desire me sexually and not end up feeling like he's just doing it to keep me off his back.
Getting onto the real difficult and confusing bit is the fact that, I'm friends with a guy who kissed me before I got married (over which I was racked with guilt which made me try even harder with my husband) but of late I've met this guy a few times, which resulted in kissing and as of last weekend we slept together. He's so different to my husband and I'm so sexually attracted to him. Any time we've met even before any kissing happened, this guy would always tell me how attractive I was and literally beg me to consider him if I ever left my husband. Obviously since getting physical with him, he's even more open in how attracted he is to me and I'm really conflicted. I want my marriage to work but feeling this desired and physically satisfied is something I've missed terribly in the last 10 years. I just feel I deserve better than this and I just don't know what to do.
I thought I'd be with my husband forever and have a child with him and grow old together but I've reached boiling point over the lack of sex and the lack of desire he has for me. It's great being best friends but this other guy has reawakened something in me that I'm frightened I won't be able to let go of...
Any advice out there?

Cspintop

sandsy frustrated wrote: »

My heart breaks for you as I know how hard it is. I'm in a sexless marriage now and I know how difficult it is. No amount of hoping it will change later on in life will help...
Believe me I know I'm at my wits end. My husband and I married a year and a half ago after being together 9 years prior to that. I'm 30 and he's 37. We're best of friends, share good times and bad and communicate openly with each other about everything bar sex. In the first year of being together we had sex regularly enough, with me constantly being the initiator but following on from that, it just all faded, I'd talk to him and he'd get cross and then we'd fight and I'd ask that we try harder and the cycle continued. This has been ongoing resulting in having sex maybe twice or 3 times a year. However in the last 3 years, there' been nothing really other than on our honeymoon, when we had sex 3 times, I thought that he might finally want to make an effort in the bedroom but instead we haven't had sex since. I'm going out of my mind. I've always had a high sex drive but I'm now at absolute breaking point. We've had a couple of long harrowing conversations in the last month, where he's refused to talk to a therapist/a doctor or take anything for his lack of drive. But then in these conversations, it came out that he's just not physically attracted to me any more. Now I know I put on a little bit of weight, but I also know I'm an attractive girl. I make an effort with how I look and although he's saying it's about how I look, I had held the weight off for over a year and nothing was happening. I've in fact dropped 10lb in the last month and it still hasn't made a difference. I've read The Sex Starved Wife and asked him to read it too so we can explore things together but he doesn't want to. He's admitted that he's been lazy and selfish about not wanting sex and says the next time I ask for it, he'll just go through with it regardless of how he feels. I feel like absolute crap about this. I just feel I deserve better than this. I want my husband to want me and to desire me sexually and not end up feeling like he's just doing it to keep me off his back.
Getting onto the real difficult and confusing bit is the fact that, I'm friends with a guy who kissed me before I got married (over which I was racked with guilt which made me try even harder with my husband) but of late I've met this guy a few times, which resulted in kissing and as of last weekend we slept together. He's so different to my husband and I'm so sexually attracted to him. Any time we've met even before any kissing happened, this guy would always tell me how attractive I was and literally beg me to consider him if I ever left my husband. Obviously since getting physical with him, he's even more open in how attracted he is to me and I'm really conflicted. I want my marriage to work but feeling this desired and physically satisfied is something I've missed terribly in the last 10 years. I just feel I deserve better than this and I just don't know what to do.
I thought I'd be with my husband forever and have a child with him and grow old together but I've reached boiling point over the lack of sex and the lack of desire he has for me. It's great being best friends but this other guy has reawakened something in me that I'm frightened I won't be able to let go of...
Any advice out there?

Ask for an open relationship, it might reawaken mutual attraction between you.

Gatling

Separate and divorce it may sound a bit cold and harsh but he's not satisfying your sexual needs and has admitted he's not attracted to you for what ever reason ,
And now you have started an affair this situation could get nasty very quickly ,
If he won't deal with the issues and won't attend marriage counselling do you honestly believe this can go on ,
Without doing damage to your family, you might have some thinking and decision's to make

Sleepy

sandsy frustrated wrote: »

I want my marriage to work

Do you? Or do you just feel like you have to say that?

If you really mean it, why are you sleeping with someone else?

Your husband is being utterly unreasonable but why on earth would you marry someone who wasn't fulfilling your sexual needs before you got married? Did you think the ring on his finger would have some magical effect on his libido?

Just be honest and leave him to go pursue a happier relationship.

heretochat

Again I am going to be harsh in responding to your request for advice.

Basically, my advice would be to either walk away from your marriage now or stop having sex with someone else and concentrate on your marriage if, as you say, you want it to work.

It will certainly never work if you are having an affair with someone behind your husband's back.

I can see that his attitude towards you is wrong but you have committed yourself to him.

We all want to be considered desirable and attractive and of course it can be hard if you are made feel undesirable.

But I will go back to the starting point - you are married to this man. Either end it with him or end the affair..

sandsy frustrated

Cspintop wrote: »

Ask for an open relationship, it might reawaken mutual attraction between you.

I intimated that previously and he thought it was sick... he thinks I'm an absolute freak because of wanting sex... it's just not good...

sandsy I have moved your posts to a new thread. Please don't hijack another user's thread

thanks

sandsy frustrated

sorry for hijacking!! Head is mashed right now and not sure where I'm at all... :-(

kiffer

Your husband may have a health issue, he may just have a shockingly low sex drive...he may be gay... if everything is functioning normally and he's just not attracted to you then maybe it's time to call it a day.
You've asked him ro see a therapist, a doctor, meet you half way and read up on the subject... he doesn't want to change, or he's too scared to change. Ask him to go to couples counseling and if he doesn't want to then consider leaving because you're young and you can find someone who is a better match in both temperament and drive.

sandsy frustrated

I fully get all of your points in leaving or at least ending the affair, but I just don't know if I can walk away from 10 years of being through good and bad times but at the same time this is the first time in over 10 years that I've felt this good about myself physically (because of this other guy). I guess I always thought that things would improve with my husband and the years ticked by and I thought that yes once we got married it would definitely improve - foolish I know. I know I need to end the affair but I'm just frightened I'm going to go back to feeling like crap, being rejected every time I try for sex and worst of all that if my husband agrees to have sex, it's really only to keep me quite for another 6 months or a year. Leaving him just seems so harsh. I just wish I could turn off my physical drive and accept this marriage for what it is and then there'd be no even desire to look outside of it. I never thought at 30 years of age I'd be in a situation like this and it's driving me mental.

heretochat

sandsy frustrated wrote: »

I fully get all of your points in leaving or at least ending the affair, but I just don't know if I can walk away from 10 years of being through good and bad times but at the same time this is the first time in over 10 years that I've felt this good about myself physically (because of this other guy). I guess I always thought that things would improve with my husband and the years ticked by and I thought that yes once we got married it would definitely improve - foolish I know. I know I need to end the affair but I'm just frightened I'm going to go back to feeling like crap, being rejected every time I try for sex and worst of all that if my husband agrees to have sex, it's really only to keep me quite for another 6 months or a year. Leaving him just seems so harsh. I just wish I could turn off my physical drive and accept this marriage for what it is and then there'd be no even desire to look outside of it. I never thought at 30 years of age I'd be in a situation like this and it's driving me mental.

I have highlighted what I feel are the most important aspects of this post..

You feel better in yourself because this other guy is flattering you and giving you attention you are not getting at home. Buy how long can that last before your husband finds out?

At least you know what you have to do. Now it is about doing it. You need to cut contact with this other guy and give the marriage a chance.

No-one is saying you need to stop having a sex drive. We all have one. And your husband needs to do more in this area as well. You need to stop the affair dead and tell him how you feel and if it is a deal breaker tell him that too. That may open his eyes and make him more willing to do counselling etc.

sandsy frustrated

You're absolutely right... I just hope I can do it. I feel like my head is completely fried right now. something needs to happen but I just wish I could have someone else take control right now... not feeling like I have the strength right now.

snookerwidow

Had a quick read of your posts and whilst I get that you are frustrated it also seems to be a lot about your feelings and what you want and how you feel - I wonder have you taken the time out to consider what your husband might be feeling?. You approached him about an open relationship already..... I suspect he might know already that something is seriously wrong but perhaps pride or fear won't let him deal with the issue.... either way an affair ain't gonna help you save your marriage and it ain't gonna help your husband when he finds out.

You want to save your marriage? stop the affair, get a good vibrator, talk to your husband and keep talking talking talking until he sees that you are serious about this and he needs to address it. If it turns out that he really just doesn't want to have sex with you then either accept a sexless relationship or move on and find a nice loving sex filled relationship that will make you happy. You can't have your cake and eat it i'm afraid!


Best of luck hope you get the result you want!

wirelessdude01

sandsy frustrated wrote: »

I intimated that previously and he thought it was sick... he thinks I'm an absolute freak because of wanting sex... it's just not good...

He thinks your a freak for wanting sex. What does that make him then for ever having had sex with you? Has he ever had sex with anyone else? Did you ask him if he ever sees himself having sex with anyone ever again?

Seriously this man is deluded if he thinks any sane lady would put up with him for a whole marriage/lifetime with this carryon.

heretochat

sandsy frustrated wrote: »

You're absolutely right... I just hope I can do it. I feel like my head is completely fried right now. something needs to happen but I just wish I could have someone else take control right now... not feeling like I have the strength right now.

Only one person that can take control of this situation I am afraid and we both know who that is..

kiffer

Sugar... yeah, I meant to say what ever you do put the kibosh on the affair until you sort your head.
Also it's not a question of "throwing away" the last 10 years (they're gone) more about the next 10 and the 10 after that.

ShaShaBear

Does he want children?
Be very difficult to get pregnant on those sexual encounter numbers.

Unless you end up slipping up with your bit on the side and then you'll have a real problem on your hands.
And keep in mind not everything a man (or woman) says to you about leaving your partner is true. Very easily he could run a mile if he realises you've left your husband for him.

Honestly, if you were that racked with guilt over a kiss before you married, I can't see how you can even mention sex with another man without feeling sick. You need to dump your bit on the side, give your husband an ultimatum and then get on with things. Stop looking for someone else to fix a mess you have unfortunately gotten yourself into.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the last post.
I would tell your fling that it is over as the longer this goes on the harder it will be get out of this relationship. I would get legal advice re a divorce and or an annulment. From what you have told us you may get an annulment.

After this I would tell your husband that you got married as you love him, that part of a marriage is that you have a sex life and that you hoped to have children.
I would tell him that unless he is willing to go to the doctors for a medical check up and go for relationship conselling you are going to have to consider your life going forward.

I would ask him are you gay and did you marry me so that people would not know?
Tell him that he starts talking to you now and if he is not willing to do this I would tell him that marriage is over and you have got legal advice. Let him know what is going to happen from here.
I would also tell him that his family and freinds are going to know why you have ended this marriage. If he has any pride in himself once you say this he should start to talk to you.

You can't stay in a loveless, sexless marriage to suit him and he needs to realise that unless he is willing to make some effort now you are ending things and walking away.
Long term if you want a family you have no other choice but to end things with this man.

lmos

Hi OP, It really isnt normal to not want to have sex, ever , with your OH. There really is something very wrong here. He either is secretly gay, hence not attracted or has deep deep issues. If he is unwilling to work this out with you, I think you need to break free. You deserve a relationship where you are truly loved by your partner, this includes sex. Its the most natural thing in the world. Best of luck!

dellas1979

What is his reason(s) he is telling you for not wanting sex? I dont understand this.