Being happy for other people?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'll try to keep this brief. Hopefully some of ye may be able to offer some helpful advice.

I feel like I can be quite a resentful/jealous person at times. I'd very much like to think that this isn't something that is obvious to other people. I always express happiness for friends/family when things are going well for them. Because I am of course genuinely happy for them. But at the same time, I quickly find myself making comparisons between what they've got/have achieved/are doing etc. and myself, and then becoming quite resentful.

It's particularly bad with one friend who I was in college with. We've both gone down a very similar path since graduating. However, she got the first job going in our line (I got the next, same status but less desirable role). That was a real blow to me. Since then I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. Her role allows for much more growth than mine at present and she's flying with it. There are several job opportunities coming up. I'm dreading how I'll feel if she gets one of these posts over me. And I feel incredibly guilty for that. She's a wonderful person and one of my best friends. I can't imagine her being anything other than happy for me when I'm doing well.

At the end of the day I know this stems from my own insecurities. But I've worked an awful lot on my self-esteem and it's only these rare occurrences that really bring me down. I SHOULD be happy with my lot. By anyone's standards for my age and given the economy I'm in a great position, and I value my job as an excellent stepping stone. But it just doesn't feel good enough.

This is probably the main example...I do tend to compare myself to others in other aspects too e.g. looks/love life etc, but to a lesser extent. I really really dislike this part of my personality, so any advice on how to make myself a more generous person would be much appreciated! It's really getting my down at the moment. Thank you.

blatantrereg

A person's job is an unreliable indicator of their worth. It's an important thing to realise. You won't be able to feel generous about others' achievements while they threaten your own self-esteem.

There are some non-obvious effects of investing self-esteem in achievement. One interesting one is that doing so appears to make people achieve less, not more. I read about a study of psychology students in this regard. The students who invested self-esteem in their grades did less well than those who did not. Here is a link to an article about the subject [not sure if it is the same study I read about before, but the conclusions are the same]: http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec02/selfesteem.aspx

As the article describes, people who invest self-esteem in internal sources, such as being a decent person, achieve more and experience fewer behavioural problems. Internal source of self esteem are far more robust than anything that relies on external validation.

Diziet

I can see how you feel, and in many ways it is understandable.

But, here's the thing: There will always be people who are better at getting a job/better at their job/more successful/better paid than you, me or anyone. This is the nature of the world. So you can let it worry you, or you can concentrate on what you can control, which is your own job satisfaction and career path. Easier said than done sometimes, but it is best to bring the focus back on yourself and your life rather than waste emotional energy on comparisons than get you nowhere.