A future without sex?

LegacyUser

Myself and my fiancé have been engaged for over a year, and also for over a year we haven't had sex. She's 28, I'm 30.

Yesterday she told me that she felt that the sexual dimension will never return to our relationship, and that we really needed to seriously think about our impending commitment. We love each other absolutely to bits, and she still wants to stay with me, in spite of seeing zero prospects of the spark returning.

I love her so much, and really don't know how I'd cope without her. Committing to this for definite though is frightening.

I've been telling myself the past year or so that one day the sex would be gone anyway, and that there's (far) more to intimacy than just sex. I've survived well enough the past year without it. However, being told that she doesn't see it returning at all, and both of us relatively young, is something I'm finding harder to accept than her. I guess I felt (and very much hoped) that it would return eventually - we just had to get back in shape etc and make more of an effort. She has put on weight, and I don't find her attractive with it I have to admit (and I absolutely can't help that, so please don't take that the wrong way - it's not me just being 'picky'). I ask her if there's anything I could do to make myself more attractive to her, but it's different for her - she says she just can't see me that way anymore no matter what I do. She considers me a very attractive guy, but couldn't desire me herself.

Having said that, we do hug a lot, and peck each other affectionately on the lips, so it's not like the physical intimacy has completely vanished. But I want more. I partly wish I didn't, but I do. And yet, I don't know what to do. Perhaps we'd be fine if I just let go of those desires, but I'd be afraid I'd only be suppressing them, only to have them blow up on me one day.

I'd be so grateful for some level-headed feedback or advice. Have you found yourself in such a position before? Might she change her mind about me if I found her more attractive? (Sometimes I suspect that) Surely situations like this can turn around?

wirelessdude01

RkalsK wrote: »

Myself and my fiancé have been engaged for over a year, and also for over a year we haven't had sex. She's 28, I'm 30.

Yesterday she told me that she felt that the sexual dimension will never return to our relationship, and that we really needed to seriously think about our impending commitment. We love each other absolutely to bits, and she still wants to stay with me, in spite of seeing zero prospects of the spark returning.

I love her so much, and really don't know how I'd cope without her. Committing to this for definite though is frightening.

I've been telling myself the past year or so that one day the sex would be gone anyway, and that there's (far) more to intimacy than just sex. I've survived well enough the past year without it. However, being told that she doesn't see it returning at all, and both of us relatively young, is something I'm finding harder to accept than her. I guess I felt (and very much hoped) that it would return eventually - we just had to get back in shape etc and make more of an effort. She has put on weight, and I don't find her attractive with it I have to admit (and I absolutely can't help that, so please don't take that the wrong way - it's not me just being 'picky'). I ask her if there's anything I could do to make myself more attractive to her, but it's different for her - she says she just can't see me that way anymore no matter what I do. She considers me a very attractive guy, but couldn't desire me herself.

Having said that, we do hug a lot, and peck each other affectionately on the lips, so it's not like the physical intimacy has completely vanished. But I want more. I partly wish I didn't, but I do. And yet, I don't know what to do. Perhaps we'd be fine if I just let go of those desires, but I'd be afraid I'd only be suppressing them, only to have them blow up on me one day.

I'd be so grateful for some level-headed feedback or advice. Have you found yourself in such a position before? Might she change her mind about me if I found her more attractive? (Sometimes I suspect that) Surely situations like this can turn around?

Having been in a somewhat similar situation before(minus the engagement) I would advise you to get out now. You said it yourself you want more. You will only end up resenting her and driving yourself mad. At least she was open and honest about it now.

December2012

Go and talk to a relationship counsellor. This is a big issue and it's unfair if you do not both want it.

Sex might disappear when you're in your 80s or 90s or due to serious ill health but to deny it to yourself in advance is going to be something you resent.

Counselling may help her change her mind.

Do not get married until this is resolved.

seosamh1980

That is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. You're not even married yet and are already resigning yourselves to a life with no intimacy. You peck each other on the lips occasionally?In your twenties? God love ye. You don't find each other attractive, I couldn't be with someone I wasn't attracted to, never mind marry them.

I mean this seriously, do either of you want children?

How long are you together?

Caonima

seosamh1980 wrote: »

That is one of the saddest posts I've ever read.

Agreed.

I'm not the most sensitive soul and have been banned from Personal Issues before, but I'll throw my 2 cents in, anyway.

I dated a girl before, an Italian girl, a few years ago. When we started dating, she said she wanted to wait before we had sex. I liked her a lot so I waited, and this was and is the only time in my life I ever did this for a girl. I waited six months.

The first time we tried to have sex, without wanting to go into the gory details, it transpired we couldn't. She had a very severe case of vaginismus (I'm sure you know what that is - involuntary tightening of the muscles in the vadge, makes it difficult to penetrate). Anyway, she asked me if I was going to leave her because of this and I said no, and we stayed together. We went to a gynecologist and she was prescribed treatement; some device/s she could use to widen 'it' up a bit. We continued to date, happy, loving each other.

I never pressured her, and we were intimate with each other, usually I gave her oral sex or variants thereof, although she rarely if ever reciprocated. Socially, though, and on a person to person basis, it was great. We really enjoyed each other's company and were into the same stuff (art, music, travel etc.). I was content to wait.

About a year into our relationship, I was having dinner at her place with her and her housemates. When she was out of the room, one of her housemates leaned over and said something along the lines of "you know, XXXX, she's not using the things you got her to fix her problem. She never uses them." Later, I asked my GF about it, how is her progress etc., and she came clean and said she hadn't been using them. She'd never used them.

I was shocked and bothered. Sure, she lied to me and kept it a secret that she wasn't using it, and my (then, not now) easy-going way let it slide, and I trusted her to do this. But when it really occurred to me that I was looking down the tunnel of a sexless relationship, I realised what my priorities were. I loved her deeply, we had so much in common, she was an absolutely stunning human being (Italian, gorgeous), and she had a great personality. But... and there's no disguising it... I needed a sex life. I would've been content with sex even once a month, as long as I was getting it. But the lie was there and it built the realisation that sex was off the menu. And I couldn't get my head around it.

I broke it off with her, and it crushed me. We dated a year and I was basically on the scrapheap for a year after that; so hard to get over her. But get over her I did and to this day, although I still think about her the odd time, I'm a happier soul. I realised talking to my friends that there's nothing wrong with wanting sex as part of a relationship. It's normal. In my own head, with its errant rules, though, I'd almost convinced myself that I could've done it, had a relationship with no sex. But the reality won. I'd have never been able to go through with it.

So, my advice... I guess you know what it is. If sex means that much to you (or anything to you, for that matter) you need to either persuade/convince/make aware your lady to your needs, or break it off. Perhaps she has some underlying issue that you don't know about, but you need to do something. The longer you wait, the harder it gets, even though ye've been together for an age. Be honest with yourself. Could you really go the rest of your life with little to no intimacy?

_dublinlad_

Such a sad post indeed. I can't imagine how anyone could continue in any relationship like that, let alone follow through and marry that person.

I know its hard to see from the inside looking out, but you have essentially been friend zoned. No sex, no passionate kisses, no oral sex, no heavy petting?? ....You say you hug a lot, friends hug!!!

What happens when she bumps into a guy that she DOES finds physically attractive?

It saddens me to think you love this girl so much that you are even considering living the foreseeable future accepting scraps from her table. You have lived with this sham of a relationship for a year now... you need to get out now.

tatli_lokma

Are you certain you never want to have kids? Grow your family? Sex is not just about physical gratification, although that is a large part of it, but biologically it exists for a reason. At 30 years of age can you be certain you will never want kids, because without that intimacy that is what will happen. If you stay together, in 10 or 20 years will you resent her for not only preventing you from acknowledging your sexual desires with her but for also preventing you from having a family.

if for some reason, psychological or physical I could no longer be sexually intimate with my husband, I would of course stay with him and love him. But I would find other ways to be intimate together. A peck on the cheek is what you give your aunty Norah at Christmas, it's not the sum total of intimacy that should exist between a couple who love each other.

Sounds like you love each other but aren't in love. A relationship counsellor is a must.

And finally, please don't take this the wrong way but perhaps she is not sexually fulfilled by you? Maybe she never has been - its very easy to say you don't want sex and won't miss it if you've never had toe curling mind blowing sex. Or worse, you had it with a previous partner and don't have it with the current one so just resign yourself to knowing you will never have it again and accept companionship instead. Does she masturbate do you know? These are all issues you need to address with a counsellor. Continuing as you are is not an option.

Cork selfbuild

That is a hard position to be put in, I believe that a healthy relationship needs a few things,

- commitment
- attraction
- friendship
- desire
- healthy sexual relationship
- honesty
- fun
- compassion

A few of the key pillars I see are missing, you say you both are no longer attracted to each other, and now there will not be a sexual dimension to your relationship, that's a very strong statement to me...

I do not believe that a marrige would work in what you outlined long term. Your relationship will just turn to friendship and then that will fade and only resentment will be left down the line when you look back and realise what happened...

Is it she never wants to have sex with anyone or just you? (sorry do not mean to be harsh in asking that, just trying to understand)

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry for the both of you; having invested into a relationship, it takes great bravery to admit that something is failing.
How long have you been dating? When/what changed? What/who prompted the engagement?
As things currently stand, I would agree with your fiancee that you need to seriously consider the impending marriage. You can't be expected to spend the next 40 odd years of your life in a platonic relationship. Fair enough if things went that way after a few decades of marriage, through illness or otherwise, but at least you'd have the memories! Now, age only 30, is way too young to be starting this whole sequence of events.
There's absolutely nothing stopping you both remaining a strong part of each others' lives. But you certainly don't have to remain a couple to do so. Explore the options. Go to counselling to see if anything can be salvaged. If not, this can end amicably. If you leave things continue as they are& marry the girl, you will most certainly ruin your otherwise excellent friendship.

strobe

Honestly, it sounds like you're friends, maybe even best friends that love each other, but friends not partners/lovers/etc. It also sounds like that's exactly what she wants *from you* (it's quite possible and maybe even likely she does or will want more than that from someone else should she meet them while in this friendship with you), where as you understandably want more.

I think my advice would be to remain friends if that is what you both want,but you need to seek a proper girlfriend elsewhere.

If not, and you continue in this 'relationship' I really can't see this ending up any other way than resentment, unhappiness and ultimately a lot more heartbreak when one of the two of you ultimately meet someone they can have a proper relarionship with in a year or two and things end in anyway, just a lot messier and more hurtful.

Merkin

RkalsK wrote: »

Having said that, we do hug a lot, and peck each other affectionately on the lips, so it's not like the physical intimacy has completely vanished. But I want more. I partly wish I didn't, but I do. And yet, I don't know what to do. Perhaps we'd be fine if I just let go of those desires, but I'd be afraid I'd only be suppressing them, only to have them blow up on me one day.

You need to concentrate on the bolded bit and keep that at the very forefront of your mind. Never ever compromise on this. What you want is a very basic, normal and fundamental part of life and of sustaining a loving adult relationship. If you dampen down the white noise now, you will really live to regret it. Trust me.

Do you frequent the PI/RI forums much? If not I can tell you that in the last few months alone there have been a veritable plethora of threads from very unhappy, deluded and bitter middle-aged men who find themselves in sexless marriages. A huge number of these people knew BEFORE getting married that their partners weren't interested in sex and yet went ahead in the vague hope that things would change. They never ever do which results in wasted opportunities and looking back at their best years with regret and pain and then the inevitable guilt when they have the desire to cheat out of sheer desperation.

Don't do this to yourself. You and your fiance have a very close bond and happen to love one another. You are not lovers however. I'm married and I can tell you that good sex with a partner who you love more than anyone in the whole world is the glue that cements you together. Of course friendship and trust and having a laugh and mutual respect are other essential elements but so is a happy sex life, when you love someone you want and desire the other person sexually and if your fiance has been straight enough to tell you that this won't be happening then you need to do the decent thing (for both your sakes) and break up with her.

You don't fancy her, she doesn't fancy you, she doesn't want to have sex with you......your affectionate close friends and that is all. That's not enough to base a lifetime together on, sorry. Get out now.

LegacyUser

OP, there's absolutely no point getting married if that's all you have to look forward to.

LegacyUser

Everyone else here seems to be on the same page.

Only you can decide what is right for you, but at the same time, in the current state, marrying the girl is not the right thing. You need to sit her down and talk to her about your relationship and the future. Tell her that you want to try counselling. She needs to know that getting married/not getting married depends on whether you can salvage the former spark in your relationship. At this point, total honesty is important, because neither of you can go into a marriage without intimacy. Technically, you can, but realistically it won't work in the long term.

From the opposite side of this, I'm a female around the same age range who was in a similar/not so similar situation. My make best friend and I started dating and were in a relationship for 2 years. I often wondered if he was only with me because he never had a girlfriend before. I soon put this to the back of my mind and forgot about it. He was handsome, but shy, so it wasn't because girls weren't attracted to him. In the beginning, I wanted to wait until we were sure about the relationship, but after almost a year had passed, he told me that he saw a future with me and wanted to wait til we were engaged and had made a commitment to get married. I thought, okay, we can do this. Believe it or not, this didn't matter to me. I loved him so damn much, that I was willing to invest the time into making it work.

One day, out of the blue, he told me our relationship wasn't working. He said he thought he was crappy and being with me and having my support gave him the confidence to realise that he could meet other people. He said I was amazing and beautiful, but not enough for him. I have a feeling that he may have met someone else that he wanted to get into something with. Well I think my own confidence just hit rock bottom. However, as much as I loved him at the time, I dodged a pretty large bullet. If we had gotten married that would have been so much worse. I was a mess for a year since then, but only missed him for the first couple of months. The rest was due to the confidence issues that I was left with. There's a lot more to my story and why we're not friends anymore, but it's irrelevant to this thread, and possibly identifying.

You have a chance here to work things out amicably and if that means going your separate ways knowing you both tried, then that's what maybe needs to happen. It's going to be hard, but it's better than one of you waking up one day like in my situation (and heaven forbid, while married) and realising that you want something more than this.

Good luck.

dixiefly

I agree with the sentiments expressed by the other posters.

I would advise you to take a 3 month break from the relationship during which you are both free agents. You could meet up in the New Year and discuss whether her feelings regarding sex with you will have changed. You can both decide then whether you are sufficiently committed to each other to give it another go.

if either of you meet someone in the meantime then c'est la vie.

dipdip

Why would two people who are not attracted to each other consider getting married? Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?

JenEffy

dipdip wrote: »

Why would two people who are not attracted to each other consider getting married? Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?

Nope, you're not. I understand one person being scared to leave, but the OP says neither of them are interested in sex. OP, please get out of this relationship. I realise that some people are happy to be in a sexless relationship, but it doesn't sound like you are.

fungun

Relationships are a triangle of friendship, love and lust. Need a bit of all 3....the balance can be different if it suits all partners but you wont survive long term if one is missing

Legs.Eleven

dipdip wrote: »

Why would two people who are not attracted to each other consider getting married? Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?

From the outside looking in, it's very easy for us to say that but when you love someone deeply and you've been with them a long time, it's really heart breaking to have to make a decision like this.

I was with someone for 2 and a half years and in the final year, I couldn't even bring myself to kiss him. I cared about him but the lust was gone. One day he went to kiss me and I finally spat out the truth and told him I couldn't do it anymore...but it took me a year to pluck up the courage to do it (this was a long time ago). I think that's more common among women than men - either we fancy someone or we don't and there's no salvaging lust that's gone.

I've a feeling this is what'll happen to you down the line and it'll cause huge resentment and problems for you. This problem won't go away and will only get worse.


I feel very sorry for you, OP. Just remember that if you do decide to end it, it'll be tough but you will get over it eventually. You deserve to be happy but you have to think of your long-term happiness.

Best of luck with it all anyway.

dipdip

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

From the outside looking in, it's very easy for us to say that but when you love someone deeply and you've been with them a long time, it's really heart breaking to have to make a decision like this. I can't even imagine.

I agree that breaking up is never easy.

But going through the expense and stress of a wedding? And then a lifetime with a partner that you don't want to be with? And having a choice about it all? And everything already being out in the open but nobody able to take a step?

Leave, OP! Run away! This is a recipe for a miserable life and ultimately, a costly divorce down the line when you come to your senses in 5, 10 or 20 years.

iusedtoknow

This is not a nice situation to be in at all, I personally could not be in a relationship like this, far less be in a sexless marriage.

Have both of you been checked medically? Hormones can be at play in this - both yours and hers - if she is on the pill, this can ironically kill sex drive.

The other side is that she could be asexual. I know someone who is just not interested in sex at all and lives a perfectly happy life with another asexual person as companions.

However, you do both have to be on the same page - could you live without sex? If not, as painful as this is - you'll have to break up.