Wife had a miscarriage

iusedtoknow

Mods - feel free to move if needed

So my wife miscarried two weeks ago, she was due in February. The baby was a pleasant surprise (she had just come off the pill, and we were hopeful but not expecting it too soon...then..BAM, a little over a month later she was pregnant).

I won't go into the in's and outs, needless to say the few days around it were pretty horrible, physically and emotionally for her, emotionally for me - not only because we lost our baby (girl) but because I hated seeing my wife in such a state.

But we had to tick on, her compassionate leave ended today (her work have been amazing (part of working for a teaching hospital in very progressive city) she is on "paper work" until she is ready to get back to things fully).

I got called home from work today by one of her co-workers to go to her hospital .How do you support someone that has physically miscarried? I feel like we are mourning for our future, as much as I am trying to deal with my own grief and hers. I am at a bit of loss.

bp

I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine had a number of miscarriages and from speaking to her she hates people saying: it wasn't meant to be/ it was for the best.

She wants to talk about their lost babies and not have people avoid the subject.

All you can do is cry with her, maybe have a little cermony and talk about your daughter together.

It is very important that you get to mourn too, you also lost your child. Maybe take a few days away together, somewhere with nice grounds and walk and talk. I am sorry I cannot give much more advice
X

tercesmol

I don't have loads of advice on this and I am so sorry for your loss and the pain and grief you both must be going through.

It is a bereavement and a loss and you should both take the time to mourn. There are bereavement counselling services available to you both and it might help to have an independent ear to listen to you .

Also the Miscarriage Association might be able to offer you both some support and advice: www.miscarriage.ie

Best of luck to you both.

ABajaninCork

I have no advice, I'm afraid. But I wanted to send my sincere sympathy, and will say a prayer for you and your wife. I wish you strength and courage, OP.

glennhysen

tercesmol wrote: »

I don't have loads of advice on this and I am so sorry for your loss and the pain and grief you both must be going through.

It is a bereavement and a loss and you should both take the time to mourn. There are bereavement counselling services available to you both and it might help to have an independent ear to listen to you .

Also the Miscarriage Association might be able to offer you both some support and advice: www.miscarriage.ie

Best of luck to you both.

I would also recommend the Miscarriage Association, they offer telephone support and the women who take the calls have themselves suffered the pain of misscarriage. They would be able to give you advice on the best way to help you and your partner. They also have a monthly meetings in difference locations around the country.

My wife had a misscarriage 4 years ago and you never forget but over time the pain heals.

dipdip

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have had a miscarriage.

What I wanted was to be able to feel how I was feeling. That might sound funny, but hearing "Oh you'll feel better when you have another baby" or "Ah well you were only x number of weeks gone, that's not too bad" blah blah blah.

I wanted to feel sad until I felt better.

My partner was very sad too and we just minded each other. The credit card took a bit of a hit as, once the event itself was over, we had some quiet dinners out with a bottle (or two) of wine. We toasted the baby, felt thankful that we had had a chance to experience its presence, for a short time.

A priest I barely knew gave me something beautiful - it was a flower, made of a fibrous paper, with wildflower seeds in it. My partner and I buried it in the front garden of our house so that wildflowers would always grow in memory of the baby. These small things help.

My GP told me straightaway it wasn't my fault. That matters, as women always feel responsible. Did I drink too much caffeine? Did I push myself too hard? Etc. etc.

Feel how you feel. Be nice to each other.

KKkitty

I've also had a miscarriage. There's no set timeframe in how you deal with your grief. Talk about your feelings to each other. In the hospital I was told it was out of my hands and that or anything else that was said went over my head. You'll never forget your daughter but take care of yourself and your wife. Take it slowly.

CathyMoran

I had multiple miscarriages so consider myself a mother of 8 not 2. People can be incredibly insensitive and I still can not brush it off but you get 'used' to the pain with time. I have a 2 and a 3 year old and will tell them about their siblings when they are older. Most of the time I just get on with things but ocasionally people say horrible things - have not spoken to one sister in law since an incredibly hurtful comment 'you got the best ones':eek:. I just avoid her. You have a terrible bereavement and I am sorry for your loss.

dipdip

When people are insensitive, they do not mean to be. People don't know how to talk about this subject so often say the wrong thing. For me I did not feel it was worth falling out with people over...as long as I had one person to let me be how I needed to be, that was enough. You can be that person for your wife, OP, and I hope she can be that for you too. Hope you guys are okay today. The intensity of the pain at the start does fade.

Neyite

I've been pregnant with 4 babies, and out of those, one was born. I'm currently experiencing my 3rd miscarriage which started on Sunday. I was 8 weeks pregnant.

Emotionally, it took us a while to want to conceive again after the last one, but after a few months we felt ready. Others want to try right away. We named ours, and that helped us.

I agree with the phrase "feel how you feel" Some moments I am all scientific and clinical about it, sometimes emotional, sometimes positive that it WILL happen for me, sometimes despondent that I'm running out of time and my baby-window is closing. Feel all those things. And talk. Talk to each other. Talk to friends. Be kind to yourself. And above all, remember - it was nothing she did or didn't do. The babies that are meant to be are very resilient. The little ones that didn't make it were just too fragile for this world.

Some women avoid other pregnant/ new mums, its too painful for them. Others are grand with that, but we all have our low days. The further along the pregnancy was, the bigger the physical toll it takes on the woman too.

Anything that can be said usually sounds trite, so I wont try, except to say that I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter, and that I hope you never have to experience that loss again. For the moment, take it day by day, be kind to yourselves, and talk and listen to each other.

dipdip

Poor Neyite + dad. So sorry to hear that. Mind yourselves.

ivytwine

God my heart goes out to you and Neyite, Cathy and all the posters on this thread who have lost babies.

People often don't know what to say in this circumstances but if they are being horrendously insensitive just avoid them.

No real advice but I wish you and your partner the very best x