I dont know who my partner is?

LegacyUser

Hi all
I need some advice please. I have been with my partner for 4 years he is supportive honest and usually a sensible guy. I ve just found out that over the last year he gambled all his money. He is completely broke and never told me. Its not the money i just feel like he had an affair or cheated on me. I just cant get over it. He has admitted to a gambling problem and is seeking help of his own accord and yet i still feel different towards him. I m just shocked to the core and don't know if i can recover from this. We have put a plan in place where he can save the money back within a short enough space of time but I cant help feeling so disappointed he did this and never told me.
I was out last night and my cousin said you don't seem to look like you love him . I couldn't really explain to him what had just happened. Another person said to me (that doesn't know him) that he seems like an aggressive guy. He only met him for 2 seconds. I can honestly say i have never once seem aggressive or act aggressively in my whole 4 years of knowing him but i am wondering if i know him at all. What do other people see that i don't.
Any of my friends that know him really like him and even my parents do. Friends parents have commented to me that he s the most stable man i ll ever meet so why do i feel I don't know him anymore. What to do?

ABajaninCork

Get yourself in counselling. Quickly.

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Get yourself in counselling. Quickly.

Well the funny thing is I regularly attend counselling for other family reasons. My boyfriend rarely comes up in sessions as I don't really have any issues with him. I was happy. Is it true that gambling addicts affect people the same as alcoholics?

December2012

This problem is bigger than one you can fix on your own.

Counselling pronto.

LegacyUser

I would recommend going along to Gam-Anon, which is there to help friends and family affected by problem gamblers (http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamanon/gamanon.html). Most Gam-Anon meetings will be on at the same time as a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, so you could go along to the same venue. Although you are going to counselling, I would recommend seperate counselling for this issue.

I have a gambling problem myself and have been going to GA for 20 months (not in Ireland, I emigrated a few years ago), luckily I have not gambled in that time. My wife was the person who was most affected by my gambling, it was also a surprise for her when I came clean as I was essentially living a double life. When I gambled I did not care about anything else and lost perspective. It has taken time and effort for me to try and change as person (this is an ongoing process). It has also taken time and effort from us both to work on our relationship, I struggled a lot with guilt and trying to change my behaviour, while my wife had resentment towards my behaviour and also the consequences of my behaviour. Things are going really well for us both and in our relationship at the moment, but it has not always been like that, but we are really happy now.

LegacyUser

Problem Gambler wrote: »

I would recommend going along to Gam-Anon, which is there to help friends and family affected by problem gamblers (http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamanon/gamanon.html). Most Gam-Anon meetings will be on at the same time as a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, so you could go along to the same venue. Although you are going to counselling, I would recommend seperate counselling for this issue.

I have a gambling problem myself and have been going to GA for 20 months (not in Ireland, I emigrated a few years ago), luckily I have not gambled in that time. My wife was the person who was most affected by my gambling, it was also a surprise for her when I came clean as I was essentially living a double life. When I gambled I did not care about anything else and lost perspective. It has taken time and effort for me to try and change as person (this is an ongoing process). It has also taken time and effort from us both to work on our relationship, I struggled a lot with guilt and trying to change my behaviour, while my wife had resentment towards my behaviour and also the consequences of my behaviour. Things are going really well for us both and in our relationship at the moment, but it has not always been like that, but we are really happy now.

Thanks a million for your reply and for all the other posters replies. The thing is I knew he gambled and I actually thought it was under control . I had no idea for around 9 months that he had cleaned himself out and was basically in denial or living a lie. I realise I need help with this and thanks for your response. Im in shock I cant describe the way I feel. I am just numb and suspicious of who he is and where our future is going. ?

ABajaninCork

Whattodo2? wrote: »

Well the funny thing is I regularly attend counselling for other family reasons. My boyfriend rarely comes up in sessions as I don't really have any issues with him. I was happy. Is it true that gambling addicts affect people the same as alcoholics?

But you DO have issues with him now! And yes - gambling can affect families and partners of addicts in much the same way as alcoholism can.

Perhaps you could consider taking a temporary break to sort out your head, and decide what you want to do?

And is your partner actively seeking help for his addiction??

username123

Whattodo2 wrote: »

Thanks a million for your reply and for all the other posters replies. The thing is I knew he gambled and I actually thought it was under control . I had no idea for around 9 months that he had cleaned himself out and was basically in denial or living a lie. I realise I need help with this and thanks for your response. Im in shock I cant describe the way I feel. I am just numb and suspicious of who he is and where our future is going. ?

You knew he gambled? Did you think he spent a set amount on gambling or something? Has this happened to him before?

Do you live with him and if so, would you not periodically check each other's financial status? How was he able to hide it from you for so long?

I can totally understand your shock. However, you need context, this could be a one off triggered by something specific or it could be a life pattern.

I wouldn't accept gambling regularly in a relationship, not because I disagree with gambling but I think it's a waste of money and someone who did it wouldn't interest me as an individual because our world views would be too divergent. I'm not talking about a night out at the dogs, I'm talking about someone who regularly goes to the bookies and sees it as a valid way to spend money - it isn't, IMO.

So that's really what you need to think about. With context. If he is a regular gambler then you need to decide if this is something acceptable to you in a relationship. It's a risky activity. People lose everything. Are you willing to accept that level of risk? If you marry him, your finances are legally tied together, any asset you have is at risk from his behaviour.

Of course, this could just be a one off, an isolated incident.

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

But you DO have issues with him now! And yes - gambling can affect families and partners of addicts in much the same way as alcoholism can.

Perhaps you could consider taking a temporary break to sort out your head, and decide what you want to do?

And is your partner actively seeking help for his addiction??

Yes he signed himself up to a counsellor and will attend meetings . He did this himself which is a good sign I hope. To explain further he always gambled a small bit , but he lost all of his money in a stupid investment scam so I was trying to figure out if this is related to the gambling or not but he says in some ways it is. He s lost everything he had, luckily he has a stable job and doesn't owe anything so it s not the worst position in the world it is just a serious shock to my system ! thanks for your reply!

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

You knew he gambled? Did you think he spent a set amount on gambling or something? Has this happened to him before?

Do you live with him and if so, would you not periodically check each other's financial status? How was he able to hide it from you for so long?

I can totally understand your shock. However, you need context, this could be a one off triggered by something specific or it could be a life pattern.

I wouldn't accept gambling regularly in a relationship, not because I disagree with gambling but I think it's a waste of money and someone who did it wouldn't interest me as an individual because our world views would be too divergent. I'm not talking about a night out at the dogs, I'm talking about someone who regularly goes to the bookies and sees it as a valid way to spend money - it isn't, IMO.

So that's really what you need to think about. With context. If he is a regular gambler then you need to decide if this is something acceptable to you in a relationship. It's a risky activity. People lose everything. Are you willing to accept that level of risk? If you marry him, your finances are legally tied together, any asset you have is at risk from his behaviour.

Of course, this could just be a one off, an isolated incident.

Hi Thanks for your reply
To answers your questions Yes he did set a small amount of money for gambling . He actually lost his money through an investment scam but it has to be in some way related to gambling. I knew what he had or what he is supposed to have in savings but I would never check his account as we keep or finances separate. If he did nt gamble I put this down to stupid isolated incident (the investment scam) but it s the fact that he gambles on the side is a major worry for me. He never was silly with gambling before and he hasn't gone completely broke before. We will never have a joint account and that's for sure! I just don't know the shock doesn't seem to be going away. Its the lying and the secrecy that is really getting me down I just trusted him so much and never ever second guessed anything !

Tramps Like Us

In fairness your partner knows he has a problem and is getting help for it on his own accord, this is very commendable, some people refuse to see that they have a problem. He doesn't seem to be in debt and has a plan to save the money back. No doubt he was ashamed and didnt want to tell you, but realistically it could be much worse, I know one guy who ended up maxing out his and his wifes credit cards gambling online as well as going to loan sharks. It's an addiction/illness like any other and doesn't make someone a bad person, it is so easy to get addicted to gambling.

TBH your partner sounds like a decent guy (very strange that someone who doesn't know him and only met him for 2 seconds said something negative, I'd ignore that you know him far better ) and there has been no lasting damage. I think you are overreacting a little bit, I think you should try and support him through this difficult time, but say that he should talk to you about these things.

LegacyUser

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

In fairness your partner knows he has a problem and is getting help for it on his own accord, this is very commendable, some people refuse to see that they have a problem. He doesn't seem to be in debt and has a plan to save the money back. No doubt he was ashamed and didnt want to tell you, but realistically it could be much worse, I know one guy who ended up maxing out his and his wifes credit cards gambling online as well as going to loan sharks. It's an addiction/illness like any other and doesn't make someone a bad person, it is so easy to get addicted to gambling.

TBH your partner sounds like a decent guy (very strange that someone who doesn't know him and only met him for 2 seconds said something negative, I'd ignore that you know him far better ) and there has been no lasting damage. I think you are overreacting a little bit, I think you should try and support him through this difficult time, but say that he should talk to you about these things.

Thanks for your reply. So I talked to family friend that lost everything through gambling, wife, house, business etc. He has picked himself up again and is doing great but he said I need to be supportive. Id like to be but I feel angry like he had an affair or something! I just cant describe it. It s strange you know if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict I would see what is going on and probably be suffering abuse but this feels like a different abuse? It s hard to explain. So after thinking about it further. When he was winning money I had no problem helping him to enjoy it so maybe I need to suffer his loss as well. As I said earlier in another post this was actually an investment as opposed to gambling (how he lost the money) but it was all high risk at the end of the day! I am trying to support him just feel a little betrayed, hurt , confused and worried if I know him at all !

Tramps Like Us

Whattodo2 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. So I talked to family friend that lost everything through gambling, wife, house, business etc. He has picked himself up again and is doing great but he said I need to be supportive. Id like to be but I feel angry like he had an affair or something! I just cant describe it. It s strange you know if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict I would see what is going on and probably be suffering abuse but this feels like a different abuse? It s hard to explain. So after thinking about it further. When he was winning money I had no problem helping him to enjoy it so maybe I need to suffer his loss as well. As I said earlier in another post this was actually an investment as opposed to gambling (how he lost the money) but it was all high risk at the end of the day! I am trying to support him just feel a little betrayed, hurt , confused and worried if I know him at all !

Maybe you could explain a bit better, so it wasn't gambling on horses, football, poker or whatever but rather a (stupid?) bad investment like in property or shares or something where he lost all his money? Thats very different, maybe he actually thought it was a good idea/sure thing rather than a compulsion like gambling addicts have. In this case I think you should have a serious convo and tell him that he cannot invest money like that without talking to you about it - although I imagine being stung like he has he won't be so quick to do it again now that its not just him who knows about it. (often these things can spiral where someone takes bigger and bigger risks to try and get back what they lost, because they are so ashamed)

So it might be the case that he was irresponsible/stupid/unlucky rather than being a gambling addict. While this might make you angrier it is far preferable than him being a gambling addict!

At the end of the day what he did was bad but its far short of having an affair.

Starokan

Gambling is for some people a pastime for others its a disease, it can be a serious serious addiction, like any addiction it can destroy peoples live's, if your partner has admitted to having a gambling problem then he will need a lot of help and support to overcome it and likewise you will need a lot of help to overcome the betrayal of trust and the general shock you are feeling.

Like other posters I would echo seeking some support for yourself, Gam-Anon is a good choice it's an excellent organisation, everything will be treated in confidence and you will be able to talk to people who will understand about how profoundly the revelations have impacted on your life

The_Conductor

Gambling is an illness the same as alcoholism or any other compulsion. Its his problem though- not yours OP- and frankly I don't understand why you're being told you need counselling. Your boyfriend has acknowledged he has a gambling issue- fine- thats a start- but he, and only he, has to take the necessary steps to get help for himself. Forcing him into counselling- will only make him despise you- even if he knows deep down that you're doing it for his own good.

There isn't really a lot you can do for him- aside from being supportive, and helping him if and when he asks for help.

ABajaninCork

Counselling for the OP as well as going to groups like Gam-Anon will give the OP the tools she needs to deal with the shock of the discovery, and help her provide support to her partner.

That is why I (and others) suggested counselling for her.

LegacyUser

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Maybe you could explain a bit better, so it wasn't gambling on horses, football, poker or whatever but rather a (stupid?) bad investment like in property or shares or something where he lost all his money? Thats very different, maybe he actually thought it was a good idea/sure thing rather than a compulsion like gambling addicts have. In this case I think you should have a serious convo and tell him that he cannot invest money like that without talking to you about it - although I imagine being stung like he has he won't be so quick to do it again now that its not just him who knows about it. (often these things can spiral where someone takes bigger and bigger risks to try and get back what they lost, because they are so ashamed)

So it might be the case that he was irresponsible/stupid/unlucky rather than being a gambling addict. While this might make you angrier it is far preferable than him being a gambling addict!

At the end of the day what he did was bad but its far short of having an affair.

Hi ok will try to explain better. My boyfriend has casually gambled since a very young age and has keen interest in Horse Racing. He also gambles on GAA sports sometimes but nothing else. He has no interest in poker or even flat racing just jump. I have known that he gambles regularly on horse racing and gaa and had my concerns because at the end of the day it is gambling so always felt it could pose a problem. What I found out last week is that he has lost all his savings through a stupid investment scam that has been highlighted in the papers recently. A lot of people have invested in this but he threw everything into it. I m trying to figure out if this was related to the gambling. One part of me is thinking that he was really really stupid and gullible and this is not related while another is wondering if its the same thing. Either way this was going on for a long time and he never told me when he lost everything. He kept it secret and was probably never going to tell me. I noticed he had cut back on the horse racing gambling side of things after.
So my worry is that if the investment was related to the high risk adrenaline rush or whatever he gets from the casual gambling!. He is going to GA now and has a sponsor and has said that the investment scam was probably due to the gambling nature. Its just hard to understand. Most of my hurt is due to the fact that he lied. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill but I am gutted.
I have two choices in this relationship. a) Take complete control of his money or b) let him go through the programme. Im half afraid that GA is kind of cultish and wonder if he needs to be there at all i.e. is losing everything related to the gambling in the first place.
As ye can probably tell im very confused and could be in denial that he has problem as it would be a lot easier if it was just a stupid thing he did. Thanks for all replies again!

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Counselling for the OP as well as going to groups like Gam-Anon will give the OP the tools she needs to deal with the shock of the discovery, and help her provide support to her partner.

That is why I (and others) suggested counselling for her.

Hi Thanks again for all the replies and the moderator too!. I completely understand why you and other people are saying I need counselling. If I heard of this happening to someone else I would probably not realise the effect it would have on their partners. If ever before I heard of people gambling and their partners leaving them I probably would of thought "they were only with them for their money or that its a bit extreme" but I ts the hurt from the deceit that is getting to me. I would never do anything like that without telling him! I am in shock and gutted and suspicious and everything else that goes with it !

username123

Whattodo2 wrote: »

I have two choices in this relationship. a) Take complete control of his money or b) let him go through the programme. Im half afraid that GA is kind of cultish and wonder if he needs to be there at all i.e. is losing everything related to the gambling in the first place.

Ok -the bit highlighted in bold above is the reason why you should go to GamAnon or counselling.

Absolutely DO NOT do take complete control of his money. He isnt a small child and you are not his mother. Can you not see how much it would unman him for you to take control of his finances like he isnt a responsible adult? You simply cannot control someone elses life like that. Seriously, thats not a relationship - thats some kind of weird dysfunctional controlling situation where you dole out a few pence if you think he deserves it and he is not trusted to make his own decisions.

You cant make him behave how you want him to behave but the answer is not to control his money. What good is that to you? A relationship with a man-child? Surely you want it to come from within him, that he is capable of taking responsibility for himself?

You might be better off taking a break from him and telling him that you will reconsider things when he has his life in order. Not breaking up in anger, just stepping back until he sorts his stuff out. In the meantime you could be supportive but without being emotionally involved.

Its a tough call. I thought you meant he gambled it all in the bookies. The investment thing is a bit different. Id be asking questions anyway where after 4 years you are not aware of each others finances. Im not saying you have to have joint accounts but periodically checking up on the other persons financial health would seem normal to me in a relationship.

Tramps Like Us

Whattodo2 wrote: »

Hi ok will try to explain better. My boyfriend has casually gambled since a very young age and has keen interest in Horse Racing. He also gambles on GAA sports sometimes but nothing else. He has no interest in poker or even flat racing just jump. I have known that he gambles regularly on horse racing and gaa and had my concerns because at the end of the day it is gambling so always felt it could pose a problem. What I found out last week is that he has lost all his savings through a stupid investment scam that has been highlighted in the papers recently. A lot of people have invested in this but he threw everything into it. I m trying to figure out if this was related to the gambling. One part of me is thinking that he was really really stupid and gullible and this is not related while another is wondering if its the same thing. Either way this was going on for a long time and he never told me when he lost everything. He kept it secret and was probably never going to tell me. I noticed he had cut back on the horse racing gambling side of things after.
So my worry is that if the investment was related to the high risk adrenaline rush or whatever he gets from the casual gambling!. He is going to GA now and has a sponsor and has said that the investment scam was probably due to the gambling nature. Its just hard to understand. Most of my hurt is due to the fact that he lied. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill but I am gutted.
I have two choices in this relationship. a) Take complete control of his money or b) let him go through the programme. Im half afraid that GA is kind of cultish and wonder if he needs to be there at all i.e. is losing everything related to the gambling in the first place.
As ye can probably tell im very confused and could be in denial that he has problem as it would be a lot easier if it was just a stupid thing he did. Thanks for all replies again!

Wow, I really do think you are being a bit harsh on him.

I gamble on the horses (only jump too lol) and on soccer, it just makes the sport more interesting and far more exciting. I don't see how he could possibly get the same thrill from putting his money into a scam. It sounds like he was very gullible. It happens people all the time. I think he is doing all he can reasonably be expected to do, if not more because imo he does not sound like a gambling addict, just a bit of a wally for entering into an investment scam. The jump season does not last all year and you say he only bets on the GAA the odd time - so he is not constantly gambling all year round - doesnt sound typical gambling addict to me unless he is dumping huge sums on his bets. He didn't tell you because he felt a fool. He should have and was wrong not to, but its not a major deal, it was his money after all and not a shared kitty.


You are overreacting and are making a mountain out of a molehill. What you need to do is leave him to it and let him get on with his GA meetings, support him in this and just continue as normal. You are risking ruining what sounds like a good relationship over what is a minor bump in the round, and certainly less of an issue than you originally made it out to be. Its nothing comparable to cheating, he didn't gamble it all away in the bookies he was stung in an investment yet he is going to GA to try and help him improve himself. He sounds like a good man to me.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Ok -the bit highlighted in bold above is the reason why you should go to GamAnon or counselling.

Absolutely DO NOT do take complete control of his money. He isnt a small child and you are not his mother. Can you not see how much it would unman him for you to take control of his finances like he isnt a responsible adult? You simply cannot control someone elses life like that. Seriously, thats not a relationship - thats some kind of weird dysfunctional controlling situation where you dole out a few pence if you think he deserves it and he is not trusted to make his own decisions.

You cant make him behave how you want him to behave but the answer is not to control his money. What good is that to you? A relationship with a man-child? Surely you want it to come from within him, that he is capable of taking responsibility for himself?

You might be better off taking a break from him and telling him that you will reconsider things when he has his life in order. Not breaking up in anger, just stepping back until he sorts his stuff out. In the meantime you could be supportive but without being emotionally involved.

Its a tough call. I thought you meant he gambled it all in the bookies. The investment thing is a bit different. Id be asking questions anyway where after 4 years you are not aware of each others finances. Im not saying you have to have joint accounts but periodically checking up on the other persons financial health would seem normal to me in a relationship.

Hi thanks again! . Ya I see what you mean about taking control of his money that would be very co dependant of me. It is the fact that he through all his money into this "investment" and did nt have the sense to stop when he wasn't getting anything back that lead to questions if its related to the gambling!. I wish it wasn't and that gambling is just a hobby but he thinks in some small way it could be. I m not going to make any rash decision yet. He had asked me to take control of his finances and I said no we came up with another solution instead that is a happy medium as the bank actually have control of his savings (or what he will be saving now) so I see what you mean about not taking control of his finances and understand where your coming from!

LegacyUser

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Wow, I really do think you are being a bit harsh on him.

I gamble on the horses (only jump too lol) and on soccer, it just makes the sport more interesting and far more exciting. I don't see how he could possibly get the same thrill from putting his money into a scam. It sounds like he was very gullible. It happens people all the time. I think he is doing all he can reasonably be expected to do, if not more because imo he does not sound like a gambling addict, just a bit of a wally for entering into an investment scam. The jump season does not last all year and you say he only bets on the GAA the odd time - so he is not constantly gambling all year round - doesnt sound typical gambling addict to me unless he is dumping huge sums on his bets. He didn't tell you because he felt a fool. He should have and was wrong not to, but its not a major deal, it was his money after all and not a shared kitty.


You are overreacting and are making a mountain out of a molehill. What you need to do is leave him to it and let him get on with his GA meetings, support him in this and just continue as normal. You are risking ruining what sounds like a good relationship over what is a minor bump in the round, and certainly less of an issue than you originally made it out to be. Its nothing comparable to cheating, he didn't gamble it all away in the bookies he was stung in an investment yet he is going to GA to try and help him improve himself. He sounds like a good man to me.

I think its more the fact he didn't tell me a) he was doing it in the first place, b) that he was putting everything it , c) he had lost everything and d) he was basically lying about being broke. I knew what he had in his account. We had been granted a mortgage based on our separate savings and he basically P***** it all away. He might as well have thrown it in to the fire! It s the lies really that have gotten to me as I said to him he must have been lying at some stage about where he was going and what he was doing when he was getting involved in this scam!. (There were a lot of meetings involved). That's why I was confused as to whether the investment was related to the bookies as I know they are separate but it s all high risk activity involving money!. It s just the shock of it. Some one said couples should keep an eye on each other finances. I never thought I had to as I never once second guessed him about anything ! Thanks for your opinion x

ABajaninCork

Whattodo2 wrote: »

I think its more the fact he didn't tell me a) he was doing it in the first place, b) that he was putting everything it , c) he had lost everything and d) he was basically lying about being broke. I knew what he had in his account. We had been granted a mortgage based on our separate savings and he basically P***** it all away. He might as well have thrown it in to the fire! It s the lies really that have gotten to me as I said to him he must have been lying at some stage about where he was going and what he was doing when he was getting involved in this scam!. (There were a lot of meetings involved). That's why I was confused as to whether the investment was related to the bookies as I know they are separate but it s all high risk activity involving money!. It s just the shock of it. Some one said couples should keep an eye on each other finances. I never thought I had to as I never once second guessed him about anything ! Thanks for your opinion x

You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry and hurt. He has gambled away your future. If he has indeed lost all his money, then that's your chances of a mortgage gone. He must've known that you'd be at least chary of risking all in such a high risk strategy. That's why he went behind your back. I simply do not understand posters who think that you're overreacting. This is not only an issue of gambling. There are also trust and responsibility issues that need to be addressed and needs to be nipped in the bud. Sharp.

Was he actually conned out of the money, or was it an investment 'gone wrong'? Was this indeed what happened? Why did he do it?

Maybe you need to sit down with him and have a real heart-to-heart about it all. He needs to be completely honest, as do you. The fact that you now cannot buy is not a showstopper, IMO. In view of the way the property market's going, it's probably a blessing in disguise, especially as you are not married.

It is far more important to evaluate your relationship and where you go from here. Do you both see a long-term future together? And how will you achieve that? That should be your focus right now.

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry and hurt. He has gambled away your future. If he has indeed lost all his money, then that's your chances of a mortgage gone. He must've known that you'd be at least chary of risking all in such a high risk strategy. That's why he went behind your back. I simply do not understand posters who think that you're overreacting. This is not only an issue of gambling. There are also trust and responsibility issues that need to be addressed and needs to be nipped in the bud. Sharp.

Was he actually conned out of the money, or was it an investment 'gone wrong'? Was this indeed what happened? Why did he do it?

Maybe you need to sit down with him and have a real heart-to-heart about it all. He needs to be completely honest, as do you. The fact that you now cannot buy is not a showstopper, IMO. In view of the way the property market's going, it's probably a blessing in disguise, especially as you are not married.

It is far more important to evaluate your relationship and where you go from here. Do you both see a long-term future together? And how will you achieve that? That should be your focus right now.

Hi thanks again. Yes he was conned out of his money. It was basically a scam within a scam. The whole investment was a scam in the first place but someone came in between acting as a rep for the scam and did a runner. He would have some hope of getting his money back otherwise. Anyway ya the "real" investment was a scam too and people have lost their money. He did blow our chance of a mortgage but he can apply again during the next year if the saving plan works out. It s not even the mortgage I was worried about it was the trust issues and the fact he did it without talking to me! That's why maybe the casual gambling is related to this as it was so impulsive etc!
Another thing I forgot to mention is I received a nice some of money through an inheritance few years back. Up to this point he had more money than me. Now in his defence he never once asked me for money etc and has refused financial help from me after this episode, but he has said that he had a bit of a complex with me having more money than him as he was the man. I did crack some jokes few years back about having more than him which I really meant as a joke as I am not money orientated. I had put that money in trust for us for the future and have barely spent a penny of it. He said he felt hurt when I made these jokes. Either way I never meant it and he should of known I didn't and I don't think it was a reason to go throwing away everything and now I definitely have more money than him!.

Tramps Like Us

OP, what do you want him to do? I can't see what else he can reasonably do to make up for it? I agree you have a right to be angry but I don't think this is something worth breaking up over, I think you would be mad to do so. I also don't think this was done maliciously, he was conned out of his money. He probably thought that if this went well it would really help with your future together. Its not as if he was sneaking around having an affair or even splurging all the money on gambling - he had his money stolen. I don't think that the gambling and this scam are related. They are very different. He didn't tell you because he was no doubt ashamed and humiliated - but he should have.

What will make you happy?

Joking about the money situation would have been humiliating for him btw, I don't think thats the kind of thing you can joke about. Especially seen as it's true. It's like joking about a women being fat. I know it sounds stupid especially in this day and age but people still have egos and society still has a certain view of men.

If he has apologized, promised he won't do it again and is seeking help for a problem he thinks he has then I don't think there is much more he can do.

Your plans have been knocked back by a year or so - its no cause to scrap your long term plans altogether.

I also think you are stark raving mad to be buying house at this time, the market will go down more when repossessions start, but thats another story altogether lol

LegacyUser

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

OP, what do you want him to do? I can't see what else he can reasonably do to make up for it? I agree you have a right to be angry but I don't think this is something worth breaking up over, I think you would be mad to do so. I also don't think this was done maliciously, he was conned out of his money. He probably thought that if this went well it would really help with your future together. Its not as if he was sneaking around having an affair or even splurging all the money on gambling - he had his money stolen. I don't think that the gambling and this scam are related. They are very different. He didn't tell you because he was no doubt ashamed and humiliated - but he should have.

What will make you happy?

Joking about the money situation would have been humiliating for him btw, I don't think thats the kind of thing you can joke about. Especially seen as it's true. It's like joking about a women being fat. I know it sounds stupid especially in this day and age but people still have egos and society still has a certain view of men.

If he has apologized, promised he won't do it again and is seeking help for a problem he thinks he has then I don't think there is much more he can do.

Your plans have been knocked back by a year or so - its no cause to scrap your long term plans altogether.

I also think you are stark raving mad to be buying house at this time, the market will go down more when repossessions start, but thats another story altogether lol

Hi thanks again yere all great!. Ya I suppose the most annoying thing is that we actually didn't need anything we are not rich or loaded but we didn't need anything! So it was a really stupid thing to do!. I know what your saying about teasing him and I admit I did it a few times.. but I would never make a comment that he did nt have enough it would be something silly like ... good point about the housing market.. we are in our early thirties so I suppose I feel like we should be getting the ball rolling and he s just rolled it back to square one.. he is going to a meeting tonight

ABajaninCork

Are the Gards involved?

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Are the Gards involved?

Yes I took him to the guards. He did not go when it happened. He also didn't want to go with me as he was embarrassed telling them. We are following it up but it is hard as we don't know this con man and cant get any info on him at the moment!