Getting over financial poverty - can't see the end

tercesmol

New here and I'll try to keep this short...

Just wondering if anyone has had a financial disaster and managed to come back from it? Really struggling at the moment to imagine that we can recover from this...

Basically, I'm married, in my forties, three children. Have always had a good job, savings, etc. Moved back here to set up a business but recession hit. The last four years have been nothing short of torture. Business started failing, we used all our savings to try to live, pay rent, etc

With nothing left, and minimal income, we now get social welfare but it is barely enough.

We got so behind with everything that we are trying to pay back (only small amounts to many people). The result is a life of complete poverty.

There is no spare cash - what's tipped me over the edge this week is our car has broken down and we can't afford to get it fixed. We live in the country so it's a real problem. Last winter we had to buy oil by the can to cover heating and kept running out so I'm dreading the cold setting in, we live day to day and try to be frugal. I can see no end to it.

Has anyone ever come out of something like this? I feel like I can barely breathe from the stress of it all (our relationship is under huge strain because of it). Before anyone asks, we are desperately looking for work constantly, no treats, we don't go anywhere, I even feel we can't afford friends at this stage, because we can't go out or invite anyone over because of the cost of the food. It's so lonely and depressing.

I can't see an end to it or even how we will get back on track. Anything unexpected is a major disaster because we have no extra to give.

The thought that this is my life (it's been my reality for the last three years) and that it looks like we can't get out of it is killing me.

Has anyone overcome something like this? Need some kind of hope that this might end...

Diziet

BTW, paying people back will have to go on ice for the moment. Priorities are shelter, food and warmth until you get back on your feet and start working. Then you can start paying back.

Taltos

Diziet please don't advertise sites your friends may have developed this is still considered Shilling and is a serious breach of site rules and the t&c's you agreed to when you signed up.

Taltos

Mayboy

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. I had a difficult time with cash a long time ago - I came through it but it was slow. I wish you the best.X

Starokan

Hi op, sorry to hear your going through this, I went through a pretty hard 3 years , money went, relationship went, house went etc and am only beginning to see the way back. It's hard to see light but things will improve.

The best advice I can give is firstly to persevere, a break will come your or your partners way, keep looking for work it will arrive. I know your doing exactly that and it feels futile but just keep with it. It only takes a small piece of luck and circumstances change dramatically

Secondly don't blame each other , if you come through this you will come through anything, now is the time when you need each other most.

Thirdly don't be ashamed to ask for help, be that from Svp, local councils, welfare , mabs (if you owe money they can be big help as a mediator with banks) , family, friends etc , i don't mean hit family and friends for huge loans , help can be in many ways. Pride serves no purpose here, no or will think any less of you.

Lastly it's important to talk , don't bottle things up, release and vent whenever you feel like it on here or to strangers or to organisations like Samaritans etc.

I hope things turn for you soon

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about the problems you and your family are having at the moment.

If you currently owe money to a number of people, banks, credit cards ect I would contact mabs. I would send a letter in writing to everyone you owe money to and ask them to suspend there payments and interest as you are currently waiting to deal with mabs.
When you both meet with mabs bring all of your bills, paperwork re loans ect, proff of your income ect. Be honest with them and they will help you out.
They will write to the people you owe money to and agree with them that currently you can pay x amount a week or month back to them.
Don't be trying to pay off debts at the moment when leaving yourself with very little money to live on.

Call into citizen advice and see if you are getting all that you are entitled to in regards to socail welfare. Did you get the back to school allowance when you children went back to school - if not apply now for this.

If either of you paid tax in the past 4 years you may be entitled to a tax refund from the tax office. Ring the tax office and ask for the forms for the past 4 years to do this.
Also if you paid rent and did not get a tax allowance for rent paid you can claim this back also. Put a letter with this and tell them the nature of you jobs as you may have had an allowance that you were not claiming for at this time and ask them to look at the tax you paid at this time.

If you have paid any doctor or hospital bills over the past 4 years get a med one form to claim back 20% of these cost and the med 2 form for dental bills. Fill out a seperate form for each year. Prehaps you could be owed back some money due to the above.

If you look up www.consumerhelp.ie they have a budget planner which can help see where you are spending money and where you could save money.
If you have a bill phone see if you could change to pay as you go. Look up comreg.ie to see the best offers for you. Look also at landline/broadband costs and see if you could get a better tarrif than what you currently have.
Do your shopping in aldi/lidi as it is cheaper, make a shopping list and keep to it, make dinner from scratch rather than ready meals. When making dinners like stew, chilli make enought for 2 days and freeze one day. If you go into the 2 euro shop you can by tinfoil container like you get from the chinese and they are ideal to freeze dinners into.
This is handy if some day your out or running late you have a dinner to hand.
Also keep an eye out for 2 for 1 deals ect.

From this week if you keep €10 aside each week you will have €100 to spend at the end of November for Christmas. If you keep an eye out from now you might get some bargins.
I would tell freinds and family that you buy presents for that you won't be giving them gifts this year. Don't be putting yourself under pressure trying to do this.
Don't be affaird to go to svp if you need some help.

One thing I would say to you is that you are not the only person going through this and I hope the above helps you out in some way. I know what you are going through as I was in debit myself a few years ago. It took me some time to get out of debit and I did the above which helped me out.

tercesmol

Thanks for the replies.

We have pretty much done what everyone has suggested. Life is very tough. What's really hard is when something unexpected happens like the car - and we have no saving or extra to spend.

Living like this is so soul destroying

martinr5232

tercesmol wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

We have pretty much done what everyone has suggested. Life is very tough. What's really hard is when something unexpected happens like the car - and we have no saving or extra to spend.

Living like this is so soul destroying

What part of the country are you in if i can help with your car i will.

tercesmol

Hi Martin, that is so kind of you. It is in the garage now and we are hoping that whatever it needs won't cost a fortune to repair - it's the radiator that's leaking.

We just live hand to mouth so something like this is disastrous for us :-(

m'lady

martinr5232 wrote: »

What part of the country are you in if i can help with your car i will.

What a lovely thing to offer, sometimes people's kindness and generosity astounds me, if only we could all be like this the world be a happier place!

Plek Trum

Tercesmol - where are you located in the country (roughly)? May be able to help, with even something temporary. Feel free to PM me if you prefer.

snookerwidow

I fully sympathize with you- we are in a similar boat to you, lot of debts to pay, partner not working at all and not entitled to sw. We have been like this for four years now and it is very difficult. What we decided to do was some simple things to make our lives a bit more bearable. [1] First thing was exercise, I know people might think oh god no - but you would be really surprised how much better you feel by just getting out for a walk, perhaps turning it into a jog? do it together, in our case we lost weight, it's free and it became our time together to just hang out. We always have a change jar and no matter what when we have done a good long walk/jog we go and have a coffee in the garage [2] Loads of free places to go at the weekends, beaches/parks etc with the kids - pack a cheap picnic like our parents did years ago.... kids will love it, go collect shells or chestnuts etc. [3] get involved in volunteering, it will just give you a sense of purpose and in my husbands case it made him realize that there are worse things in life then being poor, it fills a few hours and also gets him out of the house. [4] libraries are great for internet access and books/dvds.

In our case - the hardest thing was coming to terms with not having disposable income and realizing that friends have more money etc and can go on nice holidays - however once you accept that this is your new life for the time being it becomes easier, stop living in the past and in what you did have and start thinking about what you will have again. Don't lose contact with friends, they don't care what you have or don't have, invite them for a cup of tea and don't push them away. Try to have a little treat once a week for yourself, be it a coffee or even a bar of chocolate and a film or a lie in - have something to look forward to! One other thing - be nice to each other... don't take the stress out on each other, do something nice or say something nice to each other as much as possible - try for even once a week

Remember - This too shall pass

December2012

I know of a family who had a lot if debt during the 80s. They worked very hard during the 90s and got back on solid ground. When the boom hit they could not get the credit offered to so many, but this means that for the last 10 years they have been doing great financially and would now be more financially secure than most people.

Mabs, VdeP, CWO are definitely people to meet with again.

It can be done OP.

Also, lots of counselling services offer free or low cost help with mental health / relationship issues.

tercesmol

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate the time you have taken to respond.

It is really tough at the moment and I suppose we feel worn down by the relentlessness of it all - fearful about all the unexpected things that can come up - like the car, where we are totally crushed because we have no extra to spare, just living very basically.

We have always worked hard and it's very stressful to be in this position. It's been like this for a good while now and I suppose we will just have to try and carry on.

I have just signed up for free counselling because the stress is killing me. I appreciate all the advice you have given.

snookerwidow

Tercesmol - you have taken a very good step with counseling no doubt!. Just try to remember that as long as the health, family, friends element of your life is okay you will get through everything else. There are better off than you and there are worse off than you, you are in the middle ground but you won't always be there. Find at least one thing a day to be happy about and I wish you the best of luck. See you on the other side

TheminxIRL

Hi I hope you dont mind me replying with the following.

I too am currently like you, I am a single divorced parent and due to an injury have been on sick benefit since last December with no end in sight.

I have gone from having a decent wage and not worrying about my shopping to often having to ask my sister to buy me a loaf of bread.

I had no oil in my tank from January onwards and was worrying about not being able to get any for this winter.

My brother was the opposite of me, he had the huge house, the two new cars, the money for a lavish lifestyle, granted him and his wife worked hard for what they had and I was never envious or anything but did compare our lifestyles often because I suppose I wished I was in that position too.

Then last Friday my brother, a young man with two young kids died suddenly with no warning.

Now his money and good lifestyle means nothing to him nor to his wife and kids, someone they loved dearly has gone forever and no amount of money or pressure free life will bring him back.

This made me stop and think, yes Im always skint, worrying about paying bills and keeping a roof over mine and my kids heads but we are alive, we are healthy, I see my kids most days (one is in college) it has put it into perspective for me.

Im not saying you are not right to be so worried but there always seems to be a worse case scenario. I know I prefer my life to my sister in laws at the moment

December2012

Hey so sorry for the loss of your brother. Very sad.

Munstermad

My only advice, if you want it, is keep your family and friends close no matter how hard a pill to swallow... try have different type of social life, get them to come to you, enjoy their company.. My mates and I did a type of "come dine with me".. budget all the way, byob for 6 months.... gave me something to look forward to during a v poor v bleak year. The whinges and laughs with friends and family and the unburdening was better than any anti-depressants..
I spent 4 months saving for, buying and planning my bloody menu..lol...
Anyway, this year has been marginally better financially, still in a huge hole, fast approaching divorce on the verge of repossession, with the newly added elements of a v sick child and v sick parent.. But am in a better place mentally... It will get better, it will be slow and sometimes agonising, but it will... some great advice here on finding the joy in the precious things you do have, am not lecturing, I know how much it hurts when you've slogged for years to no find yourself in a worse place than when you started, many moons ago... All for what??? But take comfort in knowing that your in great company, and you're not alone... And there is always kindness and opportunity where you least expect it..... Best wishes and a cyberspace hug..MM

Queen-Mise

Lots of very practical advice given above. I'll give some philosophical advice instead

I think you need to take a step back, and look at things with fresh eyes, the idea of not being able to see the woods for the trees.

1. You have a good marriage, under stress obviously at the moment, but still a good marriage.
2. Presumably three healthy & happy kids.
3. As you didn't say otherwise, other than stress and pressure, both your wife and yourself are healthy.
4. A home.
5. Skills, experience, and previous careers, and hopefully future careers and success again.

You are down at the moment, but you won't stay down. Learn how to let things go, you can't do anything about the job/economic situation, it is out of your control.

Look at your situation again, and with a wish list. What would you most like to change, look at seriously drastic ideas. You were abroad before, consider that again.
Is bankruptcy an option (UK or Ireland)?

And to be honest, I think the priorities are skewed a bit money wise. Fill the fridge, pay utility bills, and then with what is left over - divide amongst your creditors (probably majority to mortgage).
Talk to Vincent de Paul - they can help.

Mayboy

Tercesmol - I know for me I've used Mindfulness Meditation to use with stress and it has been super. There are loads of simple techniques that you can learn online. Look for Jon Kabat Zinn as he is one of the major teachers. Also found a lady called Pema Chodron who wrote a great book called 'when things fall apart' - brilliant and got me through a bit of a rough patch. Good luck.