Lack Of Intimacy/Worried

LegacyUser

Hello

I'm a 26 year old guy. I live in Dublin.

I recently started going out with a girl I met through a friend. We really hit it off initially. We like the same things, we have great conversations, I love spending time with her. Some of the best nights are just going for walks with her through the park near my house and talking for hours. It's great, but for one huge issue.

Our sex life is pretty non-existent.

I don't like basing relationships around sex or rushing into having sex. But we've been going out for about 4 weeks now. We've had sex once, and it was not good for either of us. She was so tense. I love slow foreplay, lots of kissing, touching and cuddling. But throughout all of it, she was very tense, freezing up. I asked her continuously if she was ok and if she wanted me to stop. She said no and wanted to continue.

When we had sex, we didn't/couldn't enjoy it. She froze and made little whimpering sounds. I was worried I was hurting her or something. I stopped after a couple of minutes. She started to cry and saying she was sorry. I hugged her and begged her to tell me what was wrong. She wouldn't. I just held her and let her cry.

I felt so bad for "forcing" it to happen, when I should have realised during foreplay that something was wrong and stopped it then.

I have tried several times to approach this issue with her. Every time, I've been gently rebuffed. I thought maybe it was just that it was too soon (the above incident happened only a week or so after we started going out). Several days later, after not trying anything, I began gently kissing and cuddling her in bed one night. Again, she recoiled a bit and whimpered. I stopped and just held her to me. She cried and said she was sorry again.

I think she's worried I'll get frustrated. I won't. But I am so worried now. I am genuinely afraid of what she's going to tell me, when she does finally tell me. All manner of horrible thoughts are going through my mind. I feel so sorry for her, to not be able to enjoy sex. I always loved being intimate, slow and long lovemaking and just making each other feel amazing. For someone not to be able to enjoy something that is meant to be amazing, it is just so sad.

Aside from her great personality and how much I love her, the shallow side of me is also insanely attracted to her. She has the best body and I admit that I so want to experience sex with her. But that is not the priority for me right now.

I'm going out of my mind with worry for her. I want to help her. She's such a great girl and such a sweetheart, and I hate it that she's getting so upset. I really and truly will not get frustrated or impatient. I'm just so wanting to help her over this.

I don't want to openly suggest she go to a counsellor or anything, but I think it would help. But the big one is that I want her to tell me what is wrong. Problem shared is a problem halved and all that. But I'm worried that I'll be gutted by what she tells me. Obviously, sexual assault or rape in the past is looming large in my mind. I'm hoping against hope that it is not that.

What is the best way too approach this? I don't want to upset her and I want to try and help her. I sincerely do. I've connected so well with her and feel like I'm genuinely falling for her. So I want to help her solve this. Anything I can do to help, I will do.

Big Bag of Chips

For a start, 4 weeks is quite early to be worried about your sex life! Many couples would not have had sex at all in that short amount of time.

Maybe she is/was a virgin?

Cork selfbuild

OP, before you called out your concerns on what may have happened this is what came into my head... If you like this girl as much as you say you do and are willing to help her, all I would add is, wait... Time will be the key here IMO...

It sounds like she is certainly holding back over some pretty big issue, I would be supportive, reassuring and let her take the lead in opening up...

When she does, be sure to continue the support and reassurance etc...

I know it's fustrating not knowing the issue, does she add anything other than she's sorry after crying?

Slutmonkey57b

The lady clearly has some very big issues around sex if she's broken down like that and whimpering.

4 weeks is much less time than is reasonable to expect her to open up about them. You are going to have to wait, be patient, and let her trust you a lot more first. That may take months.

Hold her hand, hug her, kiss her, but don't try and move things towards sex. When she's ready she will let you know, and she might open up to you then.

Obliq

Aw, have to say OP, that you sound like a sweetheart. Your concern is lovely. I know you're fearful of what you may find out over time, and you have feelings that may not be requited within a timescale that holds your interest. This girl may have experienced something that (particularly during intimacy) makes her sad or makes her distance herself during sex. One in four women will experience a kind of sexual assault during their life, and understanding men like you will find women who have had bad experiences, from time to time. You are both very young - if she has had a bad experience, it may take a long time to talk about and resolve, but I am happy for her (if that is the case) that she has met someone so thoughtful as you. That is not to say that she will approach this problem she has (and crying during sex indicates a problem) while she is with you, but your compassion is a step on the way for sure, whatever the outcome.
As for your relationship, it may not be a standardly satisfactory relationship, but I hope you will be proud of yourself for your concern.

ps. There is no approach to 'fixing' this, that is at your speed - it will be at hers. She may not be at all ready to look at what it is that is causing a problem here, so please bear in mind that your continuing relationship could be based on all the things you have in common, except sex.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I know it seemed a little soon to rush into trying sex, but it just felt so right to me. Stupid, I know. But I was also a little blinded by lust. She is truly beautiful, and I guess I was just thinking with my privates more than I usually do.

She's staying at home tonight, but tomorrow she's going to stay over in mine. I have a spare room in my apartment, so I'm gently going to offer her that I'd stay in there if she preferred. Though I find she likes just being in the same bed as me, just talking and so on. Whatever she wants to do.

See, I truly feel a connection with her. We get along so well. I love spending time with her. She makes me laugh like nobody else. She is just a total sweetheart. I feel like I want to be her man, the guy she trusts. It will take a while to get there. But I don't mind. I have a feeling that she is someone worth working hard for. I really do find myself thinking about her a lot.

I do not know if she's a virgin or not, to answer another poster. She is a little younger than me (she's 24). I don't know if I should bring it up or not at all. But I think, going on advice here, I'll keep quiet. Just let her tell me in her own time.

When she has cried and has said sorry, she usually wants me to hold her. Just hold her in my arms. So that's what I do. I just let her lie in my arms until we both drift asleep.

And to Obliq, thanks! Genuinely blushed a little at what you said. I've always been a softie in life. I try to be kind in my everyday life. And this struck me as so sad. I want to be as much help to her as I can.

I will try to let her take the lead. Maybe in the coming few weeks, she might tell me something. I hope she does.

Sex is not something that overly concerns me any more. Yeah, I went through a lot of girls back in my uni days, but not any more. We all grow up a bit. Sure, sex is amazing and I love it. But it is not something I would consider a total dealbreaker in a relationship, to be honest. Weird as that may sound. I just love being with someone and having good company.

For the time being, I'm just going to relax and try to be there for her. We're texting like mad at the moment, and she says she's really looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.

I hope that she feels better.

Cork selfbuild

Fair play, That sounds like a good plan...

However I might not offer her the spare room of she is looking forward so much to coming/staying over, it may make her week akward and obliged to come out with some reasons to past behaviours... That's just my take, do whatever feels right at the time OP.

alias06

I think you've got the right attitude man. Your not going to mess up something special by rushing her or putting her under pressure. Go gently and it will all work out.

Tramps Like Us

I'd leave it, but if the issue becomes a long term one then you'll have to say or do something

Honey-ec

Ben26 wrote: »

I know it seemed a little soon to rush into trying sex, but it just felt so right to me. Stupid, I know. But I was also a little blinded by lust.

I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself there. Nothing you have said has indicated that you forced the issue in any way.

Ben26 wrote: »

tomorrow she's going to stay over in mine. I have a spare room in my apartment, so I'm gently going to offer her that I'd stay in there if she preferred

I don't necessarily think this is a good idea, tbh. She may well see it as a rejection.

Ben26 wrote: »

Sex is not something that overly concerns me any more. Yeah, I went through a lot of girls back in my uni days, but not any more. We all grow up a bit. Sure, sex is amazing and I love it. But it is not something I would consider a total dealbreaker in a relationship, to be honest. Weird as that may sound. I just love being with someone and having good company.

What you're describing is friendship, not a relationship. I think you're so taken with this woman at the moment that you're prepared to consider a sexless relationship, but believe me, the novelty will wear off that eventually. No, sex is not the be-all and end-all, but it is a huge part of a relationship and I don't think anyone should be considering a sexless future at 26 years of age.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again.

Thanks to everyone who replied. There has been some really solid advice and it has helped a lot. It also felt good to be just able to ask someone neutral about the whole thing.

Last night was actually grand. We slept in my room, and I didn't do anything. We kissed a little and held hands and just talked. Nothing serious talked about, just talking having random conversations. She did say, though, at the end, about wanting to talk to me about something, but not right now. But soon. So hopefully she might open up a little.

For the time being, I'm happy to let her get comfortable around me and to start to trust me more. I think that she's willing to sleep in the same bed as me and to be around me so much is a good start. So I'm very hopeful.

And yeah, Honey-ec, I know that I cannot set myself up for a life of no sex. I mean, I know that is not a realistic prospect at all. Not in the slightest. But I know that it won't be. It's just a matter of being patient and letting her trust me and open up. Mental as this sounds, I think everyone "wants" sex to some extent. But obviously, something is stopping her. She has an issue and I hope I can help her with it.

In the future sometime, I know in my heart that I want to have kids. So obviously sex is going to be required for that! Not saying I'm already planning my future with my current girlfriend that far ahead, but I just know that in a few years' time that I want to be a dad. My brother has 2 sons, and I just love spending time with them and being their "favourite" (only) uncle. I really love kids and really want to have kids of my own some day.

I actually talked to the friend who introduced us. She is delighted that we're going out, because apparently it's been "years" since she had a boyfriend at all or any kind of a man in her life. So maybe that's another indicator that she struggles with being intimate with a guy, for whatever reason.

I think that a relationship with her is wonderful so far, and this is the only issue. I'm hoping it is an issue she can work out, if she finds the right man. I'm also hoping that maybe she has found him, cheesy as that sounds.

Merkin

Awww, I think you sound like a thoroughly lovely chap. Really hope this issue is resolved soon and that you go on to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

czechlin

It sounds to me like she has some issue, but I think with the attitude you're having it won't take long to crack it. Seriously, she's a lucky girl. Best of luck!

TheBellJar

OP, your post almost made me cry for personal reasons and I just had to leave you a post to say you are an amazing guy. Really, I hope you know how understanding, caring and compassionate you come across in your posts.

It's only been 4 weeks. Give her time and she will talk to you when she's ready, just please don't push her or you risk pushing her away. You have dealt with this so well so far and she is incredibly lucky to have met someone like you. She has trusted you this far and I'm sure even that alone has been a big thing for her.

ivytwine

OP you sound like a wonderful man. She has fallen on her feet. I wish you both the best of luck and happiness

honey79

Hi when i met my boyfriend i had the same issues and we slept together after 4 weeks to me it felt like a the elephant in the room so i done it to get it out of the way big mistake i reacted the same way as your girlfriend the poor fella hadn't a clue what was wrong with me
when i was ready after a few weeks i spoke to him about what was in my head he was a total gentleman and was so patient with me
we shared a bed for another 3 months before we had sex again it was one of the reasons i fell in love with him
she will tell you when she's ready

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again.

A really emotional weekend. Seriously. It was good in the sense that she told me a lot of things. We'd gone out on Saturday night and had a few drinks. Few more than was sensible, maybe. It was bad in the sense that I heard things that made me upset and absolutely furious.

On Saturday night, she told me that she loves me. It's been whirlwind, but she really and truly loves me. I feel the same way. She's incredible and I do find myself falling more and more in love. Yeah, this was with a few drinks on board, but we meant it. The bit of alcohol just gave us that little push over the edge that we needed to say it.

She also told me why she is so nervous and tense about sex. I don't want to say it here out of respect to her, but it was bad. I broke down in tears when she told me and I was so angry too. But at least I know now. And I can try to work towards helping her with it. She doesn't want to go to any counsellor or anything. I suggested that. She tried before and hated it. She just wants someone in her life who she can trust and talk to about it.

I still think she should seek professional help or whatever, but I don't want to push her into anything.

On Sunday night, as we recovered from the day before, we did get a little more intimate after we went to bed. Nothing much happened, but it was really a great progress. We just kissed and cuddled a lot. While before she had tensed up and seemed nervous, she was a lot more relaxed. Maybe it will lead to something more, maybe not. But it was so great to see her able to relax and enjoy a bit of intimacy.

Hoping this is my last post here. Think it's all going the right way. Thanks to everyone. And as I said, hopefully I won't need to post again. Thanks again.

czechlin

Ben26 thanks for posting that update. As cliche as it may sound I'm really happy for you. And her. That she was lucky enough to find such a gem of a guy after whatever horrific experience she went through. Best of luck to both, I hope you'll be really happy together.

ivytwine

My heart goes out to your poor girlfriend. Keep doing what you're doing Ben, you're one of the good ones

beks101

Just want to echo what other posters have said here. You sound like a special guy OP and are handling all of this with such tenderness, love and care it is actually inspiring. She's a lucky girl.

Cork selfbuild

Best of luck Ben, hope ye can be strong and work through it together, as my gran used say, what's meant for you (two) won't pass you by... but sounds like the start of something great...

ladygirl

Ben - you will probably never know how much you have already helped this girl.. That she could find it in herself to open up and trust someone so soon is remarkable.. You sound like an absolute gentleman.. She is a lucky girl to have found someone so great. Wishing you both all the best in the future xxx