The dreaded Ex...

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one for obvious reasons!

So I'm going out with someone awesome for about a year now. We've know each other for longer and cutting a long story short it's all super, we've started to talk long term and we're at the point of getting serious about committing. I love this girl and really want it to work. I have one issue thou....the ex. The ex plays a major role in my GFs life at the mo, by her choice. They've no kids/assets etc and didn't talk a word for 6months after breaking up so it's purely a choice to be friends and spend time together now. They dated seriously for 2 years but never lived together. The ex and I have never spoken, I was (wrongly) blamed for their break up by the ex, even to this day I'm slagged off, bitched about, etcetc. TBH thats all fine by me, in that the ex can think what they want, say what they want and I couldn't give a rats ass, but I do give a **** when my gf is suddenly seeing that same ex almost daily! They are doing sleep overs, lunchtime meets, and I got a no to a date after work this week as she had plans with the ex.. I realize I need to be the bigger person and all that and have been trying very hard to not care but it's bugging me. It's not that I don't trust her, I do. But I feel like its wrong for her to want to spend all her free time with someone who spends most of their time slagging me off...whether it was an ex or not I think I'd have an issue with it..

Am I being over sensitive here and needing to suck it up? Would I be way out of order to say I'm not happy about it, I don't want it to turn into a 'me or the ex' situation but I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm being taken for a mug here...

What would you do?!

Paddy Cow

She is bang out of order. If it was the other way around, she would not be happy with you having a sleep over with an ex who blamed her for your break up. Blowing you off to meet up with him? What is she playing at?

I'd speak to her about it but not in an aggressive way and don't give her an ultimation. Ask her why she is spending so much time with him now and let her know it makes you feel uncomfortable. Her reaction will tell you what you want to know. If she has no problem discussing it with you and realises that she is putting you in an awkward and unfair position, she is on the straight and narrow. If she becomes overly defensive and tries to turn it all on you then she is hiding something.

CaraMay

I'm all for being friends with ex's but this is way ott. There is trusting and then again there is being totally gullible.

What she is doing is not acceptable.

daRobot

Sorry to have such harsh words for you, but it sounds very likely that your girlfriend is sleeping with him again.

Sleepovers with an ex? Seriously, what are you thinking even tolerating that?

Perhaps you're a bit blinded by your love for her, but you should really try and take stock of what is truly happening, and why she would turn down time with you, to be with her ex instead.

I hate to say it, because it will hurt you reading it, but it sounds like she's chosen him already, and you're been kept around "just in case" or for whatever advantages you may bring to the party, be it financial or accomodation etc.

Others won't be so fortright with their advice, but I will. Finish it. That's not the behaviour of someome who is into you, and it sounds like their actions don't match their words.

It will initially hurt, but it's better than keeping a girl around who is playing you.

MagicMarker

Sleep overs with an ex?

No, that won't do.

December2012

Sleep overs? No no no no.


How do you know he's bitching about you? If she's telling you then she's doing it to get attention.

If he's bitching to her and she's still defending him then she should question why she doesn't take your side or listens to it at all.

Troughthemill

Dumpsville population your GF... if you have any sense

Tramps Like Us

Sounds like your gf is cheating on you tbh

moochers

Meeting an ex for coffee from time to time is fine.
Bumping into an ex on a night out and having a chat is fine.
Sleepovers with an ex is way out of order.

Agree with the other posts, end the relationship.

Sleepovers WTF.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you have to ask if it's out of order for you to bring it up? Have you ever let her know that this makes you feel a bit weird? I know it's something that if she had an ounce of cop on she should know herself... But clearly she doesn't. So you need to tell her.

If you were doing something that you didn't realise really upset your gf, would you want her to tell you?

tinkerbell

I stopped reading once I saw "sleepovers". Oh dear, OP, you are being taken for a fool. She's cheating on you, dump her and move on - you deserve better.

Yeah, this is highly suspicious. Why on earth would you want to have a sleep over with an ex? And what does "sleep over" entail?

alias06

How could you ever agree to her sleeping over with her ex?

scruff96

i think "sleepovers" with the ex are really crossing the line, sounds like Your being played for a fool op!

Typer Monkey

Deleted User wrote: »

Yeah, this is highly suspicious. Why on earth would you want to have a sleep over with an ex? And what does "sleep over" entail?

Exactly! What possible set of circumstances could necessitate sleeping over in an ex's house? It's bizarre. The fact that you are tolerating this is worrying OP. It's not normal

lmos

What the hell is an adult sleepover?? Please explain? And with an ex....something seriously wrong here OP.

Slutmonkey57b

Your gf is a cheater and is taking you for a ride.

Cork selfbuild

Gotta agree with all of the above..

Sleepovers - oh it's ok we only spoon!! Don't think so...

Blowing you off to spend time with ex? I'd be gone a long time ago, that's not how a relationship should be...

Sorry dude...

kylith

I think you're being taken for a fool, OP. I'm afraid that it is an 'it's me or your ex' situation. There's being a bigger person, and then there's letting someone take advantage of your good nature.

Ironman76

Sleepovers? What a cow. Get rid of her. It will be painful but long term you'll be patting yourself on the back and will be stronger for it.

Cork selfbuild

kylith wrote: »

I think you're being taken for a fool, OP. I'm afraid that it is an 'it's me or your ex' situation. There's being a bigger person, and then there's letting someone take advantage of your good nature.

TBH, I don't know would I even ask this question, who would want to hear the answer, ok so the Ex, bye....

I would just take the lead and end it, simples.... There is plenty of great people who wouldn't treat you like this out there!

guillespe

Friends with an ex is fine,but even then it can be a little iffy,i would say i would draw the line at sleepover it sounds like you are being taken for a bloody eejit,if you have any cop on you will have the talk and get it over with,move on..

Rubylolz

Sleepovers with her ex??? seriously??? Sorry OP I know this is harsh but your being a mug!...

heretochat

I nearly spat out my breakfast when I read that original post..

Sleep overs with an ex.... And lunch dates.. and choosing to go out with her ex over her boyfriend who slags off her boyfriend..

One way ticket to singlesville for you OP if you have any sense..

limitedIQ

sleepovers could mean anything, could mean she stays over after they go on the beer and sleeps on the couch.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions that she is sleeping with him (if she was would they not be a bit more secretive ? )

Its natural to be suspicious/jealous and you need to talk with her so she knows your concerns.

burke027

I know u love her and love is blind
But seriously tell her to get a grip do mot acceptthat and iI can be sure theres more to it then jus friends.either way ur gona be hurt walk away please

ManOfMystery

It's rare that so many people are in agreement over an issue like this.

She's taking the piss to be honest. Look, I know that different people have different standards and there's no such thing as a 'rule book' for a relationship. But the fact remains, when you're going out with someone and there's an ex on the scene also, there's a certain etiquette that should be employed with regards to how much contact is had with that ex, and what type of contact it is.

Have a chat now and again by all means, stay friends on facebook, whatever. But sleeping over?? Cancelling your plans to spend time with him?? There's a fine line, and she crossed it about 50 miles back. I think she's forgotten that this is an ex and you are her current boyfriend. Either that, or she's doing the obvious (cheating on you) and having no tact about it.

In either event, I'm also a bit shocked that you've let it get to this stage. At the first mention of a sleepover with an ex, you should have told her to sling her hook. Have some self-respect and do the right thing.

stargazer 68

OP Im all for giving people the benefit of the doubt and am friends with some of my exes but cancelling plans to be with them instead of you and sleepovers - sorry not on! Sit her down and tell her that this has to stop. If she protests you have your answer

Big Bag of Chips

OP, by the fact you refer to her staying with her ex as a "sleepover" I am thinking her ex is a girl? I suppose in "normal" circumstances a girl staying over in a friend's house shouldn't be that big a deal.

But this isn't "normal" circumstances. The friend is an ex. An ex who continually bad mouths you. If my friend was constantly criticising my husband, I would steer clear of them. Friends don't have to like the partners of their friends, but they do have to respect their friends' relationships and their own friendship. Otherwise is just makes the friendship awkward.

Your gf obviously hasn't made it clear to this person that their comments are not welcome. Do they make these comments to/in front of your gf? If so, and your gf allows them, then I think there are bigger problems in your relationship than 'the dreaded ex'.

alias06

limitedIQ wrote: »

sleepovers could mean anything, could mean she stays over after they go on the beer and sleeps on the couch.

Oh for god sake if she is sleeping over with the ex the OP needs to be assuming the worst. The they might even be laughing about the OP while they are doing it.

Cork selfbuild

limitedIQ wrote: »

sleepovers could mean anything, could mean she stays over after they go on the beer and sleeps on the couch.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions that she is sleeping with him (if she was would they not be a bit more secretive ? )

Its natural to be suspicious/jealous and you need to talk with her so she knows your concerns.

alias06 wrote: »

Oh for god sake if she is sleeping over with the ex the OP needs to be assuming the worst. The they might even be laughing about the OP while they are doing it.

LimitedIQ, so you'd be happy for your OH to go on the beer with an ex and then sleep at their place? :rolleyes:

Totally agree with Alias on this....

Like if the ex was in the circle of friends, sure go out with the circle of friends, but why the need to sleep at the Ex's? Whats wrong with a Taxi / OP going to collect her?

That's just one part of the issue, there are too many things far from what a relationship should be to work IMO...

czechlin

I'm sorry OP but that's not normal. I was told I'm a quite tolerant person but there's not a chance in hell I would tolerate such behavior. I'd talk to her and if she kept insisting on seeing the ex then I'd wave a goodbye to her...

limitedIQ

Cork selfbuild wrote: »

LimitedIQ, so you'd be happy for your OH to go on the beer with an ex and then sleep at their place? :rolleyes:

Totally agree with Alias on this....

Like if the ex was in the circle of friends, sure go out with the circle of friends, but why the need to sleep at the Ex's? Whats wrong with a Taxi / OP going to collect her?

That's just one part of the issue, there are too many things far from what a relationship should be to work IMO...

My OH actually shares a house with her Ex now, and before that she stayed at his house regularly, sleeping on the couch after a party or a nite out because she lived outside town, they are FRIENDS. I trust her and have no reason to jump to the assumption that if 2 people are in the same room house together overnite they'll inevitably have sex.

barone

Ya gotta do something.. ultimatum time.. completley out of line behaviour..

Dump her/him because of it.. they will stop if they really love u and want to be with you.


No excuses

Esoteric_

I'm in agreement with pretty much all the posters here.

I'm friends with most of my exes, and one guy I was in a serious relationship with is one of my best friends. I'll meet my exes for lunch, beer, to hang out, whatever. I would absolutely never stay over with them or choose to see them over my boyfriend though! There's a line between an acceptable friendship, and taking the P and your girlfriend is firmly in the latter category.

Slutmonkey57b

limitedIQ wrote: »

My OH actually shares a house with her Ex now, and before that she stayed at his house regularly, sleeping on the couch after a party or a nite out because she lived outside town, they are FRIENDS. I trust her and have no reason to jump to the assumption that if 2 people are in the same room house together overnite they'll inevitably have sex.

Does your oh blow off plans you've made to spend time with the ex instead? Does the ex badmouth you to her? Does she defend the ex instead of you? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then you're far more trusting than I would be.

limitedIQ

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

Does your oh blow off plans you've made to spend time with the ex instead? Does the ex badmouth you to her? Does she defend the ex instead of you? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then you're far more trusting than I would be.

Yes, and I blow off plans to meet friends too.
Not that I know off, he's a decent guy.
I don't think I need anyone defending anyone.

I'm not saying that its fine for her to do all this, but I just would't jump straight to all the "Dump her/she's cheating"

OP, you say you've never actually spoken to the ex, invite him round for dinner or go out for a few beers with you and the OH. if they are just friends he should have no problem going out and you can see how they interact with each other and pick up if there is anything going on between them more than friendship.

msg11

I say the situation is like this.

The ex has no interest in getting back with her on a full time basis. Shes keeping you on side for when shes got little to do.

Cork selfbuild

limitedIQ wrote: »

My OH actually shares a house with her Ex now, and before that she stayed at his house regularly, sleeping on the couch after a party or a nite out because she lived outside town, they are FRIENDS. I trust her and have no reason to jump to the assumption that if 2 people are in the same room house together overnite they'll inevitably have sex.

Yes, I agree that to assume 2 people in a room overnight will end up having sex is not a realistic view, but there is more dimensions to this that the OP talked about. Plus, they have history, and (I assume) have been intimate in their past relationship, old feelings die hard...

It's a combination of all, the issues, it does not favourably stack up, looking from the outside in with the limited information we have to ocomment on...

stargazer 68

limitedIQ wrote: »

My OH actually shares a house with her Ex now, and before that she stayed at his house regularly, sleeping on the couch after a party or a nite out because she lived outside town, they are FRIENDS. I trust her and have no reason to jump to the assumption that if 2 people are in the same room house together overnite they'll inevitably have sex.

You are absolutely right about jumping to assumptions. However, the OP's OH chooses to go on a night out with her ex and then chooses to stay at his place rather than go home.

limitedIQ

but she is not keeping this secret, if she was hooking up with the Ex she could easly say she went home after a nite out or stayed in another friends. She is being upfront about it so that makes me think nothing is going on.

heretochat

limitedIQ wrote: »

but she is not keeping this secret, if she was hooking up with the Ex she could easly say she went home after a nite out or stayed in another friends. She is being upfront about it so that makes me think nothing is going on.

You may be right, or she may be a master of the double bluff - be so upfront about it that the partner thinks there is nothing going on, and then carry on behind his back.

Cork selfbuild

limitedIQ wrote: »

but she is not keeping this secret, if she was hooking up with the Ex she could easly say she went home after a nite out or stayed in another friends. She is being upfront about it so that makes me think nothing is going on.

As above, may be a double bluff.. ok maybe they are not sleeping together, but blowing off the OP to spend time with the Ex just isn't right... it should be the opposite of everything the OP described IMO...

alias06

Even if she doesn't intend sleeping with the ex she is putting herself in a situation where it can so easily happen. Its just not on.

CLARiiON

Hope everything worked out OP [dying to know what happened!!]

Big Bag of Chips

CLARiiON - As per The Forum Charter:

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids putting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread.