Struggling Fresher ...

Dontnonfstuff

Awkward one this..My 18 yr old daughter (my eldest) is finding it so hard to settle into TCD.Most of her school friends are going to UCD or other colleges and she is a little bit 'lost' without them. She is country girl at heart but is well travelled and of course loves Dublin, fashion , music and GAA etc but she hates pretentious or posh people and thinks that many of the Trinity Students are a bit like this.

She has no accommodation so far and had not expected to be commuting. It's not that we live so far away but it prevents her from joining much of the social and sporting activities that would help her to make friends.

She is losing her bottle a bit and thinks she may have made a big mistake going to Trinity. (She is studying BESS ). Any ideas anyone ? Thank You!

linguist

If she's having real difficulty adjusting, talking it over with her tutor or even a counsellor might be advisable. You can be sure they've seen it all before.

However, there are a few things in what you say that make me think that your daughter's attitude needs reigning in.

She applied for TCD almost certainly knowing her friends' preferences. Her choice.

She 'hates pretentious or posh people'. Imagine what people would say here if that read 'culchies' or worse! So people are different to her and maybe speak with 'posh' accents. Did she expect TCD to be filled with Love/Hate types?! Many of those students will be just as self-conscious as your daughter. It sounds like she has a bit of a chip on the shoulder and frankly she needs to start seeing beyond the superficial in people. Note the root of the word universal in university: it's a very diverse place and getting out of her comfort zone will do her good.

Commuting issues etc. Yes lots of people have those. But they don't prevent you from joining clubs and socs. Not everything happens late at night. And the sooner she jumps in and makes friends, the sooner options for staying over with friends will open up if there really is an issue.

Now, please read my first sentence again. I wouldn't want anyone to be unsupported if they're experiencing genuine difficulty and your daughter should seek out that support straight away if things are that bad. But also read back over your post to see where I'm coming from too.

Unshelved

I had to answer this because I was just like this when I started in College.

Everyone knows what this is like - feeling like everyone else is part of a gang that you can't break your way into.

Your daughter needs to give herself a chance. This is Week 1 of term for goodness sake . I know that way, way back in my day, I really didn't feel like I found my feet until after Christmas.

She really needs to get herself involved - nobody is going to do this for her. This can be a tough learning experience, but she needs to push herself to join things. If she's into sport she should join the Ladies' GAA Football team - http://www.gaa.tcdlife.ie/ or (as someone I know did) join a sports team doing something completely new like fencing or trampolining - http://www.ducac.tcdlife.ie/clubs/ . It can be difficult balancing this with commuting but if she wants to take part in College life and make new friends she really needs to break out of her comfort zone and get proactive.

Dismissing her fellow classmates as pretentious or posh can be a shell for shy people to hide behind as an excuse for not making friends. I'm not saying that that's always the case, but it's amazing how nice people can be if you make the effort.

Keep telling her that things will get better - and don't be too over-protective. Starting college is a big step and most people actually find it quite difficult. Your daughter is quite normal feeling like she does!

fishtastico

I would agree with the above poster about joining clubs/societies. It does seem very difficult to break into what seem like cliques at first, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to make friends when there's some sort of shared activity, and a lot of freshers are in the same boat. Most of my friends went to other universities, but I think it's much better to get to know different types of people!

Dontnonfstuff

fishtastico wrote: »

I would agree with the above poster about joining clubs/societies. It does seem very difficult to break into what seem like cliques at first, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to make friends when there's some sort of shared activity, and a lot of freshers are in the same boat. Most of my friends went to other universities, but I think it's much better to get to know different types of people!

Thank you so much for taking the time to consider the issue and reply so kindly. I agree with all you say. Perhaps some growing up is what is needed here and I need to show some tough love too!

Dontnonfstuff

Unshelved wrote: »

I had to answer this because I was just like this when I started in College.

Everyone knows what this is like - feeling like everyone else is part of a gang that you can't break your way into.

Your daughter needs to give herself a chance. This is Week 1 of term for goodness sake . I know that way, way back in my day, I really didn't feel like I found my feet until after Christmas.

She really needs to get herself involved - nobody is going to do this for her. This can be a tough learning experience, but she needs to push herself to join things. If she's into sport she should join the Ladies' GAA Football team - http://www.gaa.tcdlife.ie/ or (as someone I know did) join a sports team doing something completely new like fencing or trampolining - http://www.ducac.tcdlife.ie/clubs/ . It can be difficult balancing this with commuting but if she wants to take part in College life and make new friends she really needs to break out of her comfort zone and get proactive.

Dismissing her fellow classmates as pretentious or posh can be a shell for shy people to hide behind as an excuse for not making friends. I'm not saying that that's always the case, but it's amazing how nice people can be if you make the effort.

Keep telling her that things will get better - and don't be too over-protective. Starting college is a big step and most people actually find it quite difficult. Your daughter is quite normal feeling like she does!

Thank you for your very sound and sympathetic advice. Much appreciated.

Dontnonfstuff

linguist wrote: »

If she's having real difficulty adjusting, talking it over with her tutor or even a counsellor might be advisable. You can be sure they've seen it all before.

However, there are a few things in what you say that make me think that your daughter's attitude needs reigning in.

She applied for TCD almost certainly knowing her friends' preferences. Her choice.

She 'hates pretentious or posh people'. Imagine what people would say here if that read 'culchies' or worse! So people are different to her and maybe speak with 'posh' accents. Did she expect TCD to be filled with Love/Hate types?! Many of those students will be just as self-conscious as your daughter. It sounds like she has a bit of a chip on the shoulder and frankly she needs to start seeing beyond the superficial in people. Note the root of the word universal in university: it's a very diverse place and getting out of her comfort zone will do her good.

Commuting issues etc. Yes lots of people have those. But they don't prevent you from joining clubs and socs. Not everything happens late at night. And the sooner she jumps in and makes friends, the sooner options for staying over with friends will open up if there really is an issue.

Now, please read my first sentence again. I wouldn't want anyone to be unsupported if they're experiencing genuine difficulty and your daughter should seek out that support straight away if things are that bad. But also read back over your post to see where I'm coming from too.

Your comments are very fair and well considered. Thank you for your helpful advice. If everything was easy it would not be worth doing . I am sure she will be fine and much better for all the challenges in front of her. I think some of her bias is a front for her own insecurities.

fishtastico

Dontnonfstuff wrote: »

Thank you so much for taking the time to consider the issue and reply so kindly. I agree with all you say. Perhaps some growing up is what is needed here and I need to show some tough love too!

Hah, I remember that it can be very daunting going to university for the first time, and it can seem like everyone else has it together when you feel a bit lost. When you've had a bit more experience, you realise that many other people are in the same boat. And besides, people who only hang out with their school friends in college are no fun .

I had a few officer positions in college societies, and if she can turn up to events, she'll find herself as one of the gang very quickly, not to mention that she'll get to know her class better over the next while. And it's never too late to join in, I promise

I hope your daughter can hang in there and ends up having a great college experience.

Prettyblack

I was the same, except my problem lasted three years pretty much! Conversely, I went to UCD and had to commute from the northside, so a bit of a trek. Very few people I knew went there, and I wanted to avoid hanging out with people I knew from school (my choice I guess). You read all sorts of things like "the friends you make in college are your friends for life" and all that. So the pressure was on.

I eventually did fall in with a group in 1st year and had a reasonable time; someone to sit with anyway. Problem was, most of them had to repeat first year and I went into 2nd so I didn't see them as much. So for most of 2nd year I was more or less on my own, same with 3rd year. I just sat by myself. I knew where school friends were, but they weren't particularly great friends so I wasn't bothered. I just got on with it. My "home" friends who I hung out with at weekends etc, so I still had a good social life (just not in college).

Final year was grand though, got in with a group as I started going out with one of them, and that was a good end. But now I'm finished college I'm not in touch with them anymore! And still with my "home" friends, who are my real friends.

Anyway, back on topic, what I would recommend is that she moves out as soon as possible - the very fact of having housemates will in itself lead to company and social opportunities. And she just needs to accept all and sundry - the guy with the poshest voice might be the nicest guy she'll ever meet.

Trinity is a great college in the middle of a great city, so she's a world of opportunity out there.

messien

What your daughter is experiencing is probably the norm. A huge course like BESS is full of many different types of people but just experiencing a week doesn't really allow you to see that. As a fresher, walking through the Arts Block undoubtedly is nerve wracking for anyone, from any walk of life, and I can see why she has the impression that she has. Of course it's natural to be intimidated at first, and seeing other people seemingly easing into their social lives while you're feeling the complete opposite certainly doesn't help. Over time that will change, I can guarantee you that.

If there's any sports that your daughter's into, get her to go to those. She'll probably be a little hesitant at first but they're a great place to meet people, especially because they're free from the pretension of regular social circles. At the moment, she needn't worry about her lectures, I mean go to them, but other than Maths + Stats if you come from a non-Maths background, first year BESS is not that challenging. Get her to adopt as positive approach as she can, try to get her not to stress about it too much and she'll relax into college life.

Speaking as a fourth year, I cannot think of one person who meet the majority of their good friends in the first week of college.

languagenerd

I had the same problem at the beginning of first year (I live in Dublin, but it's still a 45min commute and I was still 17 so I couldn't go out if I wanted to. And all my friends went to UCD). It can be hard when you're not living in shared accomodation - in big classes, you feel like everyone else has already formed cliques because they all live together and if you're a bit shy, then it can be hard to go up and talk to people. But there are LOADS of other people in her boat - me and my friends were discussing it in third year, and found out that at least 4 of us in the group had felt the exact same way in first year.

That said, it's only Week 1. She needs to give it time and start talking to people in her classes while she still can. Even if it's just to ask the person next to her how they're finding the course, or where they're from, or what societies they've joined. But she really should join a club or society. Social life in TCD is very much centred around the clubs and socs and she'll find it easier to get to know people if she gets involved in at least one. Many sports clubs, for example, have lots of beginners at this time of year and training exercises are a great way to interact with people without having to make too much effort.

Finally... the idea that TCD students are posh and pretentious is a stereotype fuelled by the media. Nowadays, all colleges cost the same to attend (TCD is actually cheaper than UCD) so it's not like the olden days where only rich upper-class people went there. UCD actually has a worse reputation for D4 types! Give people a chance and look past the accents. I only came across two "posh or pretentious" people in my four years there and both were fairly easy to avoid!

sponsoredwalk

She can come for lunch with me & my friends down in the Hamilton or in Mama's burrito place (so nice!) anytime, just send me a pm & I'll just say she's a friends sister & that's that. If she doesn't get sucked into our mania after an hour or 4 then I guess we lead different lives, but I mean that says nothing about her (just different lives we lead). I've known less about all my friends in the beginning (literally no-one) so all she's got to do once she let's go is to be herself (after maybe 3 tries) so nothing more need be said :cool:

shopgirl195

BESS is really big and understandable intimidating. I myself am in a really big course and in First Year for at least the first month of lectures when ever I was sitting next to a new face and I say hi and introduce myself and ask them how they were getting on. Everyone was so friendly and delighted to be chatting away making new friends. It was a great way to meet new people!

Everyone is feeling anxious and nervous - some are just better at hiding it! Really couldn't imagine any new first year would wouldn't be happy to someone introduce themselves to them quickly before a lecture! Soon it will all seem so less intimidating!

Dontnonfstuff

Many thanks to all who offered advice and help. I really appreciate it and I know my girl will be fine. I need to throw her overboard now and just let her swim..!!

Prettyblack

sponsoredwalk wrote: »

She can come for lunch with me & my friends down in the Hamilton or in Mama's burrito place (so nice!) anytime, just send me a pm & I'll just say she's a friends sister & that's that. If she doesn't get sucked into our mania after an hour or 4 then I guess we lead different lives, but I mean that says nothing about her (just different lives we lead). I've known less about all my friends in the beginning (literally no-one) so all she's got to do once she let's go is to be herself (after maybe 3 tries) so nothing more need be said :cool:

Very nice of Sponsoredwalk to offer this.

sponsoredwalk

Such a charmer I know

beccaroisinxo

Dontnonfstuff wrote: »

Awkward one this..My 18 yr old daughter (my eldest) is finding it so hard to settle into TCD.Most of her school friends are going to UCD or other colleges and she is a little bit 'lost' without them. She is country girl at heart but is well travelled and of course loves Dublin, fashion , music and GAA etc but she hates pretentious or posh people and thinks that many of the Trinity Students are a bit like this.

She has no accommodation so far and had not expected to be commuting. It's not that we live so far away but it prevents her from joining much of the social and sporting activities that would help her to make friends.

She is losing her bottle a bit and thinks she may have made a big mistake going to Trinity. (She is studying BESS ). Any ideas anyone ? Thank You!

Well I'm still only in 6th year, but from past experience of after doing ty and all my other friends not and being separated, I have one piece of VALUABLE information for your daughter! - Always be open to new things amd meeting new people, make your own way because people won't be always there to hold your hand! I dont mean to be rude, but shes moving onto another chapter in her life and i'm not proposing forgetting about her other friends at all but there's nothing worse than having to spend 90% of your life in a place and absolutely loathing it. I learned this the hard way None of my friends did ty and not only did I miss the first fews weeks settling in because of hospital but I also wasent ready to leave my old friends in 5th year that I put so much energy into maintaining my existing friendships that I was completely isolated in ty. And guess what? I fell out with my former bestest friend and the rest of us went our separate ways. Typical. So honestly, life is all about progression and your daughter is just going to have go move on I mean she's an adult now. I understand the accommodation situation but in fairness do look into it, Dublin's a massive place. And as for widening her social circle she could join some clubs and societies Hope I helped