My Grandmother is dying, but I feel no emotion whatsoever.

LegacyUser

Regular poster but going annon for this one.

Something that is slightly concerning me here. My Grandmother is currently in hospital dying. My relatives have been told this by the head consultant in the hospital. For whatever reason though, the only real emotion that I'm feeling towards this development is a slight concern towards my Mother and a slight relief for my Grandmother that her pain is coming towards an end (she has been quite unwell for near enough a decade at this stage).

Now I have never really been one to display much emotion but it has struck me that being so cold towards the upcoming death of a family member is slightly disconcerting. I have kept my distance from the situation but I think that this might cause issues with my Mother. What should I do? I just can't fake any emotion towards this.

Am I being somewhat heartless in being so cold and distant towards this situation or is it best to be non-involved and offer strength to others.

Another issue is that from what I can tell, the lady doesn't actually know she is dying. My Mother has told me that they don't want her to know of her true condition as it might 'kill her' (my Mother's words). I feel that by me visiting her in hospital it might make her realise that something is up and I really don't want to do anything that could be construed as contributing to her passing by any other relatives.

Messy situation, I've talked to my father about it (I don't want to add to my Mother's stress by broaching the topic) and he reckons that I'm being silly. His words were 'it's not as if you're some long lost sister returning from the States'.

What should I do?

Hannibal Smith

Sometimes its hard to guage how you're going to feel when a person will die. You might think you have no emotion about it , but it might all surface once your grandmother passes.

Either way, there's no right or wrong way to feel about it. Dont feel bad if you think your emotions are out of keelter with how you should feel. If the woman has been ill for a long time then it will be a release for her.

Visiting her in hospital. ...thats a tricky one. Do you really think her seeing yiu will make her twig, or are you using it as a reason not to visit? If you were close to your grandmother, you might think about going. Just in case you might regret it later. If you didn't get on with her then I wouldn't put myself through the trauma of going.

I didnt get on with my grandad and refused to go see him in the hospital. Of course I didnt say it was because I could stand him...I just said the tubes etc would upset me.

LegacyUser

my husband lost his grandmother, last Christmas, Christmas week in fact. She was old, nearing the 100. He quiet honestly didn't bat an eyelid. Like yourself, he was a bit concerned for his mother. As it was Christmas time after all. We knew for a few months that she was on a downhill turn, and kinds of half expected her to go.

To be fair, out of all the grandchildren, about 13, only 1 actually cried! I think she was crying for her own mum, as they were the ones regularly taking care of her etc.

Losing a mother is a major new chapter, especially if that dad is already gone. You feel lie our no ones child, when your parents are gone. So, ya, be there for your mum, she'll need you. But don't feel bad for not falling to pieces. As already said, we all feel grief in our own way. Losing a family member is always tough, i'm sorry that you are going through this.

ash23

OP, I lost two grandparents I was very close to. One was years ago, it was fairly sudden in that he was taken ill and only given a couple of weeks. I was absolutely distraught. The grief was overwhelming. I was younger at the time, late teens. I took it very very hard.

I lost another grandparent a couple of years ago. She was ill for many years before she passed away and her quality of life had deteriorated a lot over those years. I was upset but I wasn't racked with grief. None of us were. There were tears shed but the shock wasn't there as it had been for the first loss. There was also a sense of relief that she wasn't suffering anymore and that helped greatly with the loss.

As for going in to visit, I agree with your dad. If you are fairly close to this grandparent and would usually have seen them regularly enough, then it's not strange to go and visit them in hospital.
You will need to mentally prepare yourself for it though. It can be a big shock to see someone you love so frail and ill. I remember going to see my gran and she was totally out of it which really upset me and I found it hard to hold it together for her.
So I would go and see her but leave if you find yourself getting upset. Just make an excuse, like going to the loo or getting a cuppa. But get out of there before you get upset.

heretochat

Everyone has different coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with death.

Speaking from my own experience I lost a parent a couple of years ago. I went through the whole experience in a sort of a trance. I did not cry or show much emotion through the funeral process etc. and was the one giving the shoulder for others to cry on, making sure everyone had enough to eat drink etc.

When I got home after the funeral was all done I am not ashamed to say I broke down completely. It all hit me like a bolt.

What I am trying to say is prepare yourself for that dam to burst at some point. And don't be afraid to seek solace when it does.

judgefudge

My grandmother died recently. She was in the hospital for 6 months and I visited her 3 times a week. To be honest I didn't feel any sadness, even when we were told she only had a few days left. Then when my dad told me she had actually died I just burst out crying and it all hit me.

This is not necessarily what's going to happen to you. What I'm trying to say is sometimes the reality of the situation can take time to hit you. People grieve in different ways. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just be with your family and support eachother.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice folks. I was never particularly close to her to be honest (but then again I'm not particularly close to any family members or indeed anyone in general for that matter). It's kind of a bugging feeling to be honest, i.e. I should be grieving but I'm not.

Also, I think I may have posted this in the wrong part of PI

The Corinthian

noemotion wrote: »

Am I being somewhat heartless in being so cold and distant towards this situation or is it best to be non-involved and offer strength to others.

These things hit people in different ways and how it's affecting you is perfectly commonplace and normal. Your grandmother is dying, not dead and often the grief only hits you after they pass and even then it can come mixed with feelings of relief that take the sting out of it.

Another issue is that from what I can tell, the lady doesn't actually know she is dying. My Mother has told me that they don't want her to know of her true condition as it might 'kill her' (my Mother's words). I feel that by me visiting her in hospital it might make her realise that something is up and I really don't want to do anything that could be construed as contributing to her passing by any other relatives.

My approach would be that it's your mother's call, because it's her mother, not yours and really she gets precedence in such matters, just as you should when your mother's time comes, over your own children.

Sir_Name

Just because you aren't overcome with emotion (right now) doesn't mean you are heartless and don't care. Everybody reacts differently in these situations.

My grandmother died sept last year (she was 97). We were incredibly close, she came on all our family holidays while she could, spent most Sundays and I stayed with her a lot while I was in college. She had been steadily deteriorating and died during the night. We got a call about 2am to go in but none of us made it in time. To say I was devastated is an understatement.

Since the funeral I haven't been to her grave. Without sounding cold I'm pretty pragmatic and her quality of life wasn't great. We got her memorial cards about 5 weeks ago and I was surprised when i got quite upset.

Other than that, life goes on. I have been more concerned with my mum, who had been her carer, best friend, everything, who took it quite hard. It's only in the last few months she is nearly back to herself.

Time. If I were you I'd spend whatever time I could visiting. You'll never get that time back and you won't regret it either.

December2012

Don't be so hard on yourself - you do feel emotion and concern for your mother.

When my dad eventually died I was happy in a way - he had been very sick and eventually he was out of pain. It was a release - for him. My sadness about him being sick at all continued.

Your primary concern is for your mother - that's understandable. I think you should do whatever your mother wants. If she wants you to go see granny you go see granny.

Make your mothers home life easier during this horrible time for her - cooked dinners, tidy home, lifts to and from the hospital.

Take care if your mam and listen yo your dad.

Caonima

I have one remaining grandparent, my Dad's mother, and I hate her guts. I'll feel nothing for her when she dies. Don't go so hard on yourself - sometimes you just don't connect with people

Stavro Mueller

noemotion wrote: »

Thanks for the advice folks. I was never particularly close to her to be honest (but then again I'm not particularly close to any family members or indeed anyone in general for that matter). It's kind of a bugging feeling to be honest, i.e. I should be grieving but I'm not.

Also, I think I may have posted this in the wrong part of PI

This is the key. One of my uncles died a few years ago and I wasn't close to him either. I went along to the removal, the funeral, the afters etc. but I might as well have been at some randomer's one. If it had been another member of my family I'd have felt differently.

In other words, don't beat yourself up about this. If you're not close to your gran then it's not strange to feel as detached from this as you do.

As for the visiting, it's up to yourself. If your mum says anything you could say you'd rather remember your gran as she was. Or you could say in a lighthearted fashion "Gran would know there was something up if she saw me coming through the door".

kylith

noemotion wrote: »

Thanks for the advice folks. I was never particularly close to her to be honest (but then again I'm not particularly close to any family members or indeed anyone in general for that matter). It's kind of a bugging feeling to be honest, i.e. I should be grieving but I'm not.

Also, I think I may have posted this in the wrong part of PI

I was the same as you when my grandmother died. I was 13 at the time and I never cried. I felt like a monster for ages, even worried that there might be something wrong with me, until I accepted that the reason I didn't cry wasn't that I didn't care that she was dead, but that we'd known for months that it was coming, that she was in pain, and that it was more upsetting to see her trapped in her deteriorating body than it was to know that her pain was over. I cried for my mother and her siblings, for their loss, but not for my grandmother.

I find I'm always the same when someone elderly dies, I cry for those they leave behind rather than the deceased. I have no idea what I'll be like when my parents pass though.

JenEffy

I felt the same when my step-Granddad died. He married my grandmother before I was born so was always pretty much my real Granddad but I was never close to him. I barely exchanged two words with him my whole life, to be honest. I felt like a robot when he died because everyone else was upset and I felt like the whole thing was an inconvenience. You're not the only one so don't feel weird

_Kaiser_

I'd be a bit like the OP (and some of the others here) in that my concern would be more for others in a situation like that.

When my dad died I was more worried about my granddad really - but then I hadn't seen my dad in 14 years at that point (save for the 2 weeks immediately beforehand) so that's probably not really surprising.

My granddad then died a few years ago and while I was sad, again I can't say I was particularly upset - more relieved for his sake as he wasn't in good health and went blind before the end.

I'm not at all close to my mother's side of the family so I don't really think I'll particularly care when the time comes there.

My mother herself isn't in good health either but it's the last stages of a progressive illness so again it'll be more of a welcome relief for her (something she says herself) and to be fair at the time they gave her 6 months .. and that was 20 years ago so she has well beaten the odds

I do sometimes wonder how I'll react though as we wouldn't be especially close either - but the reasons behind that would be a whole other thread!
That said she is the tenuous link between myself and my sister and I can't see that surviving either (as the 3 of us realised one evening in conversation, we're just very different people with very little in common)

I sometimes think it would have been nice if it had been different but such is life. And before well-meaning people suggest it's not too late, in this case that ship has most definitely sailed.

Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself OP. Everyone (as this thread shows) deals with these things in their own way and there IS no "right" or "wrong" way involved. You know how you feel and that's nothing to feel guilty about.

Calibos

It can all be about the kind of bond one has or how much time one spends with them.

I loved all my grandparents. I saw them every few weeks even in adulthood but the bond had loosened enough that while I was sad at their passing, I wasn't very emotional except for one grandfather right at the end of the funeral. He was a Jazz Sax player himself and a lone sax player played as we carried grandads coffin out of the church. I started bawling!! That was my trigger.

However, one of our dogs was taken at 9yo with pancreatitus in February this year. I still think about him every day, tear up a bit at least once a week and have a proper cry about him about once a month.

Its not like I loved him more or loved my grandparents less but the bond was fresher/stronger with him.