Change in Husband's attitudes

libby70

What do people think of this?

Married 10 years, 3 lovely kids, nice house, good jobs etc. I work full time and husband works almost full time, home 2 days of week. Good relationship, good friends etc, happy.

The other evening I came home to find a whole pile of domestic chores not done at all, not just the stuff that can wait, but mess everywhere and overloaded laundry basket etc. Put baby to bed and started to load up washing machine at 8.30pm, husband had been at home for day, minding kids of course and doing stuff, but still!! Husband knew I was a bit annoyed by expression on my face when discovered freezer had not been defrosted and new groceries had been put in that I had brought home, followed me out to utility, asked me was something wrong, said to husband could he not have put on a wash today. Husband just looked at me, then roared 'shut the f*** up' 'F**k off, you Bi**h'. I nearly fell over! Little boy heard this which I find the most upsetting thing. Husband stormed off outside banging doors.

Stayed quiet for rest of evening even though he tried to start a row when he came in and again the next evening. By the third day I started peace talks and asked what happened and how he cannot speak to me like that, etc, husband said he is sick of 'my snapping' that I am bullying and abusive and that he will speak to me like that again because it is the only thing 'that f**king shuts you up'. We did separate things that day and in that evening, Sun, there was a lot to do in terms of getting stuff ready for Mon morning. Asked husband for help and he started to mock and jeer me and ask me was is part of my new programme, so I just walked away.

All of this has been quite confusing as our home is a happy one, this type of thing has happened 2 other times in our 10 year marriage, it is usually about once a year lately. Sometimes wonder if husband has something of an inferiority complex going on, I am better educated and earn more, I make pretty much all of the decisions in our house, which he seems more than happy for me to do, and if this is his way of trying to gain back some power and control in the relationship. Said this to him. He didn't say much.

That was nearly a week ago and things haven't been great since. We are both being polite and civil but I am reluctant to raise the issue again, even though it obviously needs to be discussed.

P. Breathnach

Lots of people have overflowing laundry baskets and don't defrost the freezer often. I wonder if you have expectations of housekeeping standards that he finds oppressive, and if his fuse has blown.

heretochat

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but do you look down on your husband in any way? You make reference to being better educated and better paid than him. Not sure how that is relevant to the issues raised in your post.

Maybe he has accepted the way you deal with him over the years but the whole thing reached a boiling point recently?

I would agree with the other poster that your reaction to a wash not being done and a freezer not being defrosted would seem to be a little over the top.

Not excusing the language he used towards you though

iusedtoknow

First of all, there is no excuse to talk to another human being the way he spoke to you.

But, there seems to be a strange dynamic going on - you mention a lot about "control", "power" and you making all the decisions. This sounds a bit odd to me. Maybe one night you need to sit down and talk about what is really going on. Maybe you do need to separate chores etc a different way, instead of it being on him on the two days he's off (not that he should just sit around )

In my own relationship, there is no one with control or power or a decision maker, we're both pretty passive - most of the decisions are made by whoever cares more about the outcome - either me or her depending on the thing at hand.

You mention also that you are more educated and earn more than him. Surely at this point you are pretty deep into the marriage and are beyond "mine" and "his". Surely that is family money that is being thrown into a pot that keeps everything going. For ourselves, I currently earn more but am already peaking (at least for the next 10 years or so) while my wife is at the start of her career where her earnings will go up and up (and up and up) depending on the paths she takes.

Education is pretty meaningless to be honest. I have an BA and MSc and my wife is pretty close to having MD after her name, but it doesn't matter a jot when the laundry needs done.

Nymeria

I think you need to sit down with him and talk this out. I don't agree with previous posters, this isn't about laundry - in a marriage you should be able to have disagreements without him shouting or being verbally abusive.

It does sounds like something that has been building for a while, perhaps he is unhappy with the situation, HOWEVER, he should be mature enough to deal with it properly and not shout you down. It sounds like he does that when he doesn't want to confront or deal with something. Not a good sign.

You need to talk to him when the kids are in bed and let him know that how he deals with his frustration/ anger is not acceptable. If there is a problem then he should respect you enough to talk about it in a reasonable way. Otherwise he is just bullying you into submission.

strandroad

That's hatred, not just disagreement. You need to get to why he feels justified in being so hateful towards you.

LegacyUser

First off his reaction waas extreme, but I can understand why he was pi***d off to be honest.

Your husband was looking after the kids all day and presumably it was very out of place for him to not have the chores done. I know if I came home to the situation you've described OP my first assumption would be that perhaps he'd had a hard day with the kids, maybe they were being difficult or what not and didn't get a chance to do chores. My first reaction would definitely not be to put on a face and start nagging him tbh.

I mean did you even ask nicely if there was a reason why the chores hadn't been done/how his day had gone before you launched into the nagging? I can only go by what you've posted but it sounds like you came across very self centered, uncaring and unappreciative.

It's hard work looking after children all day, that's a full days work in itself, expecting him to have all the chores done on top of that and getting pi**y because they weren't done is pretty demanding. You sound pretty self absorbed OP and perhaps your husband has just finally had enough. The fact you can't even see how the situation looked from your husbands perspective and instead are trying to put the blame on him and his "inferiority complex" just screams to me that perhaps it's all you you you in the relationship and your husbaand is just frustrated at having to jump to your every whim/mood and feels completely taken fror granted?

It's also pretty ironic that you were so put out by your husband mocking you when you wanted help getting ready for monday but in the situation you described previous it was obvious your husband had probably had had a tough day with the kids and needed help doing the chores and your first reaction was to get pi**ed off at him. Perhaps it's time to examine your own behaviour in the relationship OP.

libby70

Hi Guest

You are way off the mark here.
Firstly, the two older children are in school all day and do not come home until 3pm, the baby is a very easy going child and sleeps for about two and a half hours each day, so it wasn't a case of having a tough day with the kids all day, even though certainly it was still a lot of work.

Secondly, there was no nagging involved, to be honest with you, my question to him at 8.30pm when I started into the laundry basket, after having seen to the freezer, the mess on the table, the baby's high chair covered in food from dinner time, the back door mat needing hoovering from the dog, the floor, etc, 'could you not have put on a wash today?' And if I was somewhat exasperated whilst asking that, I think I was justified.

I never expect all the chores to be done, I don't do that myself, I just expect the place to be reasonably clean and tidy so that it is comfortable to walk around without treading on left over dinner, etc etc.

libby70

Thanks Nymeria, that makes perfect sense.

P. Breathnach

OP, it seems unlikely to me that your husband's explosion was entirely unrelated to your behaviour.

freshpopcorn

Your husband did overreact a with you but did you ever think why?
He might just be tired of you being in control all the time and he might be tired of being pushed around. What you have to remember is somebody can cope with a bossy/controlling person for so long and then they snap.
You might also look down on your husband a little because you expect him to do these chores whilst you are at your better educated/paying job. The thing is you mightn't even relies your doing it.
P.S How badly did the freezer need defrosting, could you have squeezed the food into it/ did you ever think he might have being waiting until a bit more washing gathered for him to do a big wash/load.

heretochat

libby70 wrote: »

Secondly, there was no nagging involved, to be honest with you, my question to him at 8.30pm when I started into the laundry basket, after having seen to the freezer, the mess on the table, the baby's high chair covered in food from dinner time, the back door mat needing hoovering from the dog, the floor, etc, 'could you not have put on a wash today?' And if I was somewhat exasperated whilst asking that, I think I was justified.

The above, along with your comments about being better educated and better paid definitely gives off the impression that you feel superior to your husband in some way.

As I said in my first response, I would not excuse his language towards you in any way as I do not think anyone should be spoken to in that way.

However, you do across as particularly controlling, with a little touch of the "neat freak" (this is only an opinion). This may well be a cauldron that has been bubbling for some time and has now boiled over.

You definitely need to have a talk about it.

Realt Dearg Sec

Remind me never to come here for advice.

Whatever about laundry or nagging, the man roared foul, degrading abuse at his wife in front of his kids. The response here? "we'll she must have deserved it"

OP you might well gave been nagging, I don't really care though, if your account was accurate then toy were abused and bullied and your husband should be let know that you won't allow that to become the way you live your life. Anyone whose response implies that the OP is to blame for that reaction, that roaring obscenities at your wife is some way understandable, needs to examine their own life.

freshpopcorn

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Remind me never to come here for advice.

Whatever about laundry or nagging, the man roared foul, degrading abuse at his wife in front of his kids. The response here? "we'll she must have deserved it"

OP you might well gave been nagging, I don't really care though, if your account was accurate then toy were abused and bullied and your husband should be let know that you won't allow that to become the way you live your life. Anyone whose response implies that the OP is to blame for that reaction, that roaring obscenities at your wife is some way understandable, needs to examine their own life.

What you have to remember is that sometimes people are living a life and they are constantly being looked down on/feel like their worthless and they feel like their being controlled. They might be only so much of it they can take before they snap and can't take it anymore.
P.S Most people said that the husband did over react, but sometimes people need to be vocal/loud to get their message across if they feel their not being heard.

Realt Dearg Sec

freshpopcorn wrote: »

What you have to remember is that sometimes people are living a life and they are constantly being looked down on/feel like their worthless and they feel like their being controlled. They might be only so much of it they can take before they snap and can't take it anymore.
P.S Most people said that the husband did over react, but sometimes people need to be vocal/loud to get their message across if they feel their not being heard.

What most people said was a variation of "he overreacted but..." followed by a long justification. There is never a justification fir talking like that to your husband or wife, and that needs to be the focus of the advice. But it's not, the focus seems to be very much on what the OP did to deserve that reaction. I'd the OP is a nag or acts superior, then as a grown man the husband needs to talk that out and learn to assert himself with some maturity. Abusive flying off the handle is just not ok.

I mean some people are asking if the freezer really needed defrosting ffs! Clearly the issue is about communication, not the ****ing chores!

freshpopcorn

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

What most people said was a variation of "he overreacted but..." followed by a long justification. There is never a justification fir talking like that to your husband or wife, and that needs to be the focus of the advice. But it's not, the focus seems to be very much on what the OP did to deserve that reaction. I'd the OP is a nag or acts superior, then as a grown man the husband needs to talk that out and learn to assert himself with some maturity. Abusive flying off the handle is just not ok.

I mean some people are asking if the freezer really needed defrosting ffs! Clearly the issue is about communication, not the ****ing chores!

The thing is the husband reacted in the heat of the moment and he just snapped. This happens to people sometimes and they don't do it intentionally. They just cant cope/take it anymore.
People can be in marriages for so long and drop hints that's theirs something wrong but the partner doesn't pick up on it. People do have arguments in marriages snap/call each other names/curse sometimes these happen when people just can't take it any more. This then leads to people finding out that their is an issue to be dealt with.
Also people were just try to advice the OP she might come across as bossy/controlling/look down on her husband. These are also abusive factors in relationships that make him feel terrible.

carol clery

OP

You see things from your side. He sees things from his. Things you say and do may seem perfectly acceptable to you but may seem condensending to him or vice versa.

The only opinion you seem to have accepted on here is the one agreeing with you. I can promise you your husbands outburst while inappropriate didnt come out of nowhere.

Ive been in his position. I would be home while the other half worked and i would make an effort with say a lovely dinner and maybe wash the floors along with minding the baby etc and the other half would come home and say nothing about what i did do and everything about what i didnt. It would drive me potty.

Maybe had you said 'thanks for minding the kids, making the dinner etc' and then said something in passing about the fridge or said 'can you give me a hand doing the washing/fridge' he might have realised he didnt pull his weight and it may have been a different outcome.

Im not saying its all your fault. It takes 2 for sure. All im saying is you need to think about taking ownership of your part in it. I doubt your reaction to the work not done is as infrequent as his outburst

Think about it.....

He needs to apologise too btw

libby70

Well freshpopcorn, if he had been waiting for a bit more washing to gather before putting on a load he would have had to go up as far as the attic to gather it, because the laundry basket was completely overflowing and the pile was up as far as the light switch on the wall.

freshpopcorn

libby70 wrote: »

Well freshpopcorn, if he had been waiting for a bit more washing to gather before putting on a load he would have had to go up as far as the attic to gather it, because the laundry basket was completely overflowing and the pile was up as far as the light switch on the wall.

Theirs a problem, a smart back answer to me when all I was trying to was give you the best advice I could.
You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him.You both need to admit ye are at fault here.

He obviously cares about you if he's following you around to ask if something is wrong. You come home in a bad mood, maybe something happened to you and he wanted to know. So this isn't hate, this seems to me more like someone on the edge finally losing it. Inappropriately, and he needs to apologise, but understandable.

Maybe he had a bad day. So he only minded the kids for a few hours - that doesn't mean something couldn't have gone wrong. Did you even ask him how his day was or did you launch straight into nagging at him?

There's more to life than an overflowing laundry basket and you're just assuming he has nothing better to do with his time than run around after chores. You could have said, hey let's do this together.

tinkerbell

OP, you BOTH need to apologise here. Your husband because of what he said to you as that was COMPLETELY out of order, nasty and horrible and you for being so condescending, obnoxious and treating him like he's far beneath you.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself OP. Do you honestly think that he doesn't notice that you think you are far superior to him by being better educated and in a better job? That's a disgraceful attitude to have towards the man you said you would love and respect when you married him. He has a job too - that is the household and minding the kids. Sometimes people have bad days and don't get stuff done, that can happen at home as well as work. And you say that the infant is an "easy baby", who is the one spending all day at home with the infant? It's not you, it's your husband. And minding a baby IS a full time job. Then the other 2 kids come home in the afternoon.

I think the whole freezer defrosting is a bit stupid also. Was it really necessary that it was done then? Could it not have waited? Yes of course it could have waited! It's not an absolutely urgent request that needs to be done immediately.

So in summary, you need to change your attitude and apologise, and your husband needs to apologise.

dixiefly

bluewolf wrote: »

He obviously cares about you if he's following you around to ask if something is wrong.

I am not sure in this case Bluewolf....he might have been seething over something and used this to kick off the row.

This seems to be an issue that has built up over a period of time and, as the OP has mentioned, it has happened before.

You need to try and get to the bottom of what has happened and caused this and it could be a combination of issues most of which were probably highlighted here. The language was of course totally wrong but, maybe, put that aside until the core issues are resolved.

I suggest that you ask to go out for a drink with him over the weekend and try and get your relationship back on track outside the home where you maybe can rekindle some of the feelings that brought you together. After that, maybe suggest that you both chat about what each expects from the marriage.

If the core issues are not recognised on both sides and an effort to agree a way to even begin to resolve them then the marriage is only going to go in one direction.

Systemic Risk

His reaction was wrong obviously and there can be no excusing that.

To even bring up your better education and better job than your husband of ten years stinks of you feeling superior to him and looking down on him. Also him being passive on decision making does not mean he is happy for you to decide everything. He may not feel strongly enough about certain things that you get fired up about and need to change so he just goes along with what you want.

Either way it sounds like you have a problem that only communication will solve. He needs to stop having immature outbursts and talk openly and you need to talk and listen in a way that doesnt come across as you trying to change his behaviour or control him. you are wife and husband and you should be able to have a conversation about your feelings.

strandroad

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

What most people said was a variation of "he overreacted but..." followed by a long justification. There is never a justification fir talking like that to your husband or wife, and that needs to be the focus of the advice. But it's not, the focus seems to be very much on what the OP did to deserve that reaction. I'd the OP is a nag or acts superior, then as a grown man the husband needs to talk that out and learn to assert himself with some maturity. Abusive flying off the handle is just not ok.

I mean some people are asking if the freezer really needed defrosting ffs! Clearly the issue is about communication, not the ****ing chores!

I absolutely agree. Whatever happens in the house can and should be discussed or argued with no roaring, swearing and abusing the other partner in front of the children. He did not snap under pressure - he did it repeatedly, over days, he's done it before, and he's still unapologetic about it meaning it will happen again.

I'm amazed how many posters jumped on the OP straight away, finding faults in her. No fault can justify his attitude - it's not a one-off.

freshpopcorn

mhge wrote: »

I absolutely agree. Whatever happens in the house can and should be discussed or argued with no roaring, swearing and abusing the other partner in front of the children. He did not snap under pressure - he did it repeatedly, over days, he's done it before, and he's still unapologetic about it meaning it will happen again.

I'm amazed how many posters jumped on the OP straight away, finding faults in her. No fault can justify his attitude - it's not a one-off.

The reason that people didn't totally side with the OP is because she comes across as very bossy/controlling to her husband and she thinks she better than him because of her job/education.
Being bossy/controlling/thinking you better than someone in a relationship is a form of emotional abuse in a relationship.

Calhoun

mhge wrote: »

I absolutely agree. Whatever happens in the house can and should be discussed or argued with no roaring, swearing and abusing the other partner in front of the children. He did not snap under pressure - he did it repeatedly, over days, he's done it before, and he's still unapologetic about it meaning it will happen again.

I'm amazed how many posters jumped on the OP straight away, finding faults in her. No fault can justify his attitude - it's not a one-off.

This is how PI works and to be fair to first responses they aren't letting gender bias get in the way they are picking up on the tone of superiority and questioning it,

The husbands reaction wasn't ok but it's a cry for help, what would happen if gender roles were reversed ? I hope the same .

Back on topic op you both need to apologize , how do you want to proceed in your relationship as partners or as competitors where one has to be better than the other? You and your husband need to realise how we measure success is relative to perspective and in a relationship we both bring different strengths to the table .

If he is staying at home raising the kids ( I could have picked this up wrong ) that is equally and important role to what you are doing. What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot ?

Carrie Madshaw

heretochat wrote: »

The above, along with your comments about being better educated and better paid definitely gives off the impression that you feel superior to your husband in some way.

As I said in my first response, I would not excuse his language towards you in any way as I do not think anyone should be spoken to in that way.

However, you do across as particularly controlling, with a little touch of the "neat freak" (this is only an opinion). This may well be a cauldron that has been bubbling for some time and has now boiled over.

You definitely need to have a talk about it.

The OP mentioned that she happens to earn more. I don't understand how that makes her sound superior, she's simply stating a fact. The way her husband snapped at her sounds horrible. He clearly has something on his mind and after 10 years should be able to communicate that to his wife and the mother of his kids. I think everyone is being very harsh on the OP.
My advice is to sit him down maybe over a glass of wine once the kids are in bed and talk to him. Friday is a good night and people tend to feel happy and relaxed on Fridays and he might be more open.
Good luck with it OP.

Taltos

OK no more off topic discussion here about the OP meant this or that - limit your replies to advice, discussions are not welcome here and are considered a breach of our charter - as a result they will be dealt with accordingly.

Taltos

The Corinthian

libby70 wrote: »

Thanks Nymeria, that makes perfect sense.

That's a little worrying, mainly because Nymeria was one of the few posters who argued you were blameless.

From what you originally posted, your husband overreacted and certainly said things he should not to you. That's a given. Question is why, and where it comes to that there are two possible, non-exclusive, explanations:

• There is a new cause of stress in his life, stretching him psychologically until he snaps, and/or
• over a prolonged period of time, your own behaviour towards him has built up resentment until he snapped.

Like it or not there's certainly some evidence, in what you've posted, in the latter reason being present. I've lived with a control-freak and they're not easy. Their standards are impossible to meet, let alone understand (they often make no sense), will often 'helpfully' instruct you on the simplest of tasks and they'll always want things done to their timetable (just because you want something done now, doesn't mean it has to be done now). However good natured you are, the drip, drip of constant criticism, especially when most of it you feel is completely unwarranted will eventually cause you to explode.

This is not to say that this is the case with you and your husband. However, neither should you dismiss it so easily, especially after so many here have suggested looking to yourself too for a reason.

Overall, there may well be something else going on that's increased his levels of stress and facilitated this transgression. However, even if there is, the drip, drip will cause even a saint to freak out if they bottle it in for long enough. Sit down and see how he feels. If he does accuse you of being like this do not dismiss it (guaranteed fail if you do), but keep an open mind; remember, just as he may be exaggerating your behaviour, you may be underestimating it. Ultimately, agreeing to new boundaries may be required.

alias06

The Corinthian wrote: »

Like it or not there's certainly some evidence, in what you've posted, in the latter reason being present. I've lived with a control-freak and they're not easy. Their standards are impossible to meet, let alone understand (they often make no sense), will often 'helpfully' instruct you on the simplest of tasks and they'll always want things done to their timetable (just because you want something done now, doesn't mean it has to be done now). However good natured you are, the drip, drip of constant criticism, especially when most of it you feel is completely unwarranted will eventually cause you to explode.

This is so true and well said Corinthian. I have lived this experience as well. I am very wary of it now. I can't stand someone nit picking at me over small things. I have no time for it. If this is what was going on in the case of the OP (I know it is only one possible explanation) then I can totally understand why her husband exploded, wrong though he was to say such hurtful things.

libby70

Thank you dixiefly, good advice about going out over the weekend to resolve things. It has been arranged, my mum will babysit and we are going to go out Sunday afternoon.

alias06

libby70 wrote: »

Well freshpopcorn, if he had been waiting for a bit more washing to gather before putting on a load he would have had to go up as far as the attic to gather it, because the laundry basket was completely overflowing and the pile was up as far as the light switch on the wall.

If this is the case then he is using this as a way of expressing his anger. Its passive aggression. He may well feel angry and taken for granted. I would assume there is some justification for these feelings. So you need to talk to him about it in a non-judgemental way.

libby70

Thank you Carrie Madshaw

libby70

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The reason that people didn't totally side with the OP is because she comes across as very bossy/controlling to her husband and she thinks she better than him because of her job/education.
Being bossy/controlling/thinking you better than someone in a relationship is a form of emotional abuse in a relationship.

I do not think I am better than my husband.

libby70

Thanks to all who posted and thanks for all the advice, even the bits I didn't like hearing!

sReq | uTeK

libby70 wrote: »

Well freshpopcorn, if he had been waiting for a bit more washing to gather before putting on a load he would have had to go up as far as the attic to gather it, because the laundry basket was completely overflowing and the pile was up as far as the light switch on the wall.

You don't seem to take any advice on here, simply refute everything stated or insight into why he would react the way he did, you come across as someone with a superiority complex and someone who looks down on their partner which after 10 years is a bit sad really, I earn more than him, I am more educated than him, he should have this done, that done etc etc do you ever stop and think MAYBE just MAYBE he had a bad day and couldn't be ****ed.

You say you have a happy house, from your posts it comes across as anything but a happy house, you need to get to the root of your problems because it seems like your husband has had enough and is at boiling point.

I'll state however that he shouldn't have talked to you like that especially on front of your child.

Tramps Like Us

Sometimes wonder if husband has something of an inferiority complex going on, I am better educated and earn more, I make pretty much all of the decisions in our house, which he seems more than happy for me to do, and if this is his way of trying to gain back some power and control in the relationship. Said this to him. He didn't say much.

This is a really really warped attitude, I'm actually staggered that you said that to him - I'm willing to bet that your sense of superiority comes across a lot and he has just blown his top at last.

alias06

Its also worth noting here that peoples past experiences can play a big part in how someone reacts to controlling behaviour. I went through a hard time living with someone controlling and nit picking about crap that didn't matter. Now its just a red line issue for me. If someone doesn't have a sense of proportion i.e. if they can't see that a basket of dirty laundry is just a basket of dirty laundry and nothing more, not a matter of life and death, then I'm out of there. So what if the place gets dirty now and again. Its not like the OP's husband is drinking his loaf off or gambling their life savings. This is what can be so annoying and infuriating about this kind of criticism (or at least what he perceives as criticism). Its that, to him, its as if you are giving him no credit at all for the fact that on the whole he is a good guy who does his best. He slides on the house work now and again and you don't have the sagacity to let it go. And I'm guessing you take it for granted when he does do everything right? This is a big part of it to. Do you make him feel appreciated for what he does do? Or do you only point out what he does wrong? This can leave someone feeling seriously unloved. When you talk to your husband and he apologies (as I'm sure he will) you need to acknowledge that you need to change also to make your marriage work.

MouseTail

So he had 2.5 hours when the baby was asleep to do the chores including defrosting the freezer?

I think you are being unreasonable here. Who hoovers a mat every day? Give the man a break!

Was the homework done and baby fed? If so, I think you owe your partner an apology.

dixiefly

libby70 wrote: »

Thank you dixiefly, good advice about going out over the weekend to resolve things. It has been arranged, my mum will babysit and we are going to go out Sunday afternoon.

Best of luck. It is good for you both to also remember the reasons that you got together in the first place.
You have a great family and each of you needs the other to make it work.

December2012

If as you say the laundry basket is full up to the attic why don't you put on a load?

Why is it all down to him? It's your house - they are your kids too.

You said he works almost full time?

It is too much for him - get a cleaner to help.

You claimed you started "peace talks" by criticising his behaviour.

You have very bad communication skills yourself. You do sound smug, superior and woe is me.

Unless you are going to take your husbands constructive criticism on board, then you both should go talk it out with a counsellor

freshpopcorn

libby70 wrote: »

I do not think I am better than my husband.

The reason I said that was because it came across that way to me the way you talked about yourself and your husband in your posts.
Often people act like this and they don't even relies this. It's just something you might need to work on. (IMO)

Troughthemill

I am no expert on marriage and kids. It seems to me for whatever reason your husband has resentment toward you and If he can't communicate why without verbal abuse and flipping the lid you need a marriage therapist or a divorce

dixiefly

libby70 wrote: »

Thanks to all who posted and thanks for all the advice, even the bits I didn't like hearing!

How did your night out go? Did it help to resolve any issues?

otto_26

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Remind me never to come here for advice.

Whatever about laundry or nagging, the man roared foul, degrading abuse at his wife in front of his kids. The response here? "we'll she must have deserved it"

OP you might well gave been nagging, I don't really care though, if your account was accurate then toy were abused and bullied and your husband should be let know that you won't allow that to become the way you live your life. Anyone whose response implies that the OP is to blame for that reaction, that roaring obscenities at your wife is some way understandable, needs to examine their own life.

Nobody from what I can read has said "she must have deserved it" or that "roaring obscenities at your wife is some way understandable" People are simply asking what led the man to snap like that?

You are right nobody should be spoken to like that. But it is very important to ask questions and to find out why somebody would end up reacting like that.

Just because people want to understand the reasons behind why he did what he did doesn't mean they think what he said was OK. We have all snapped at some point in our life's and at the time usually out of pure frustration at something or somebody.

Ickle Magoo

dixiefly,

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ShaShaBear

Well firstly, cudos to him for going around the house and collecting all of the washing and putting it into the laundry basket. The house must have been in a tip all week if there was that much laundry to be picked up over one day. And he even put away the shopping for you, as well as making sure the kids were fed on his day off?

Sounds like he busted his ass and you still weren't happy. He didn't hoover the mat - are you actually serious? Does the dog sleep on the mat and if yes, why in God's name would you hoover it every day?

Irrespective of the behaviour he exhibited, or the fact that you tried to initiate peace talks by turning all of the blame onto him, I see two possibilities in my opinion:

1. You expected him to do all the chores on his day off which have clearly not been looked at the entire week, or longer, judging by the fact that the mat was covered in dog hair, the freezer had too much ice-build up and the washing was 4-foot high (going from my light-switch). If this is the case, and he works full-time as well, then you are obviously not pulling your weight either and you need to come up with a rota to get control over the housework.

2. You expect your husband to do in one day what the average couple does once a week, and maybe only once a month in the case of the freezer. In fact, my freezer has yet to be defrosted and we've been living here 6 months - it's still not overloaded with ice. We do a washing once a week and even if something were to happen and we waited two weeks it still wouldn't be a 4-foot tall pile of washing. As for hoovering, it's only done once a week, usually a Saturday - we have an indoor dog too, and we would drive ourselves potty if we got home at 6PM after being away since 7AM hoovering everything the dog had been on while we are gone.