Boyfriend Crossdresses

LegacyUser

Long timer...going anon

I came home from work early the other day and caught my live-in boyfriend of 4 years dressed in my clothes with a wig etc. It turned my stomach so damn much.

We love each other deeply, and I felt that we had such a good connection, I even moved cities for him so we could start out lives together, now I feel like it's a complete sham.

We sat and talked, and this is by no means the first time he's done it, he said it comes in waves with him, sometimes the "urge" disappears completely, and sometimes it comes at him day after day, usually when he is stressed or busy at work (he's training to be a barrister so I know how cut-throat and stressful his life is).

I know he's not gay and he says he is not transgender (i also know that gender and sexuality are not the same) but this has completely blindsided me. He says I am the first person to know, it has always been in the house and there is nothing else involved.

How do I go on? I love the man I'm with but what happens next? will he want to do it more now that I know? Is there a bigger issue?
He's seemingly back to normal, off with his mates to play football etc - and I am a wreck.

amazingemmet

First you've got to talk to him and find out his motivations for it.
For some people its like a hobby, think of it like acting, He might have fun playing a different role for some time there's nothing intrinsically wrong with this. If he was in an acting class/group and had to play a female part it wouldn't seem so strange the only strange thing is that he hides it.

Reading from what you've written if he's leading a quite stressed life with work right now then maybe its quite relaxing for him just to become someone else for awhile as an escape from the stress he faces as himself.

The only thing he should do is probably get his own set of clothes as he'll probably stretch out yours if he keeps wearing them.

CaraMay

I like a man to be a man and not a man dressed up in my clothes. I don't think I could fancy my oh again if I saw him in my outfits. Op there is nothing wrong with you if this doesn't agree with you. If not just move on and he may find someone who is into it

Supraman

It's obviously something he's into . The interest will probably always be there if he's saying he's at it a while . To be honest I don't know if this website be the best for advice . Surely there is somewhere more specific where you could get a more informed opinion on what to do and maybe even come to realise why he's doing it .

Good luck either way .

MadMardegan

You really have to decide if this is something you can accept/live with OP.
If it's not then your future with him looks pretty bleak.

You've got to understand that there's nothing wrong with it. It's just something he's into. I can understand why you would be shocked but a lot of people are into weirder things.
He's probably feeling pretty vulnerable/embarrassed by the whole thing, seeing as you're the only person who's ever known about it, so try to be as understanding with him as you can.
Only you can decide what happens next.
Best of luck OP, I hope everything works out.

Taltos

Wow OP - that must have been some shock for you.

Look none of us can tell you or should tell you to stay or leave. You have clearly invested a lot of time in this relationship and it is unfortunate but maybe a little understandable why he hid this side of himself.

You are correct though - for some men dressing up has nothing to do with sexuality and is a way to help them deal with stresses they are experiencing. There are various suggestions as to why this might be. Take some time for yourself, try to figure out if this or his hiding this is a dealbreaker and if not maybe have a look at some counselling together. If you stay together then this is something you both have to talk about and maybe even put some ground rules in place.

All the best

Diziet

It must have been a shock, but you only just found out and his cross dressing is not doing anyone any harm, is it? You love him, he loves you, you have a good relationship etc. It's not as if you caught him cheating or anything.


The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same. Can you cut him some slack?

tosspot15

Everybody has weird fetishes and secrets I suppose, you're probably no exception yourself.
Cross dressing doesnt mean a person is gay, trans, or anything else either. It could just be what they're into.

gordongekko

Pack your bags and get the hell outta there.

LegacyUser

I can understand how you might feel “a wreck”. I doubt though that he is “back to normal”. Remember that he has been living with this for years and you have just found out now.

I have been just like your boyfriend . From my own experience, his saying that he does it when he is under stress rings true. I am not gay or transgender either and I believe most men who cross dress are neither gay nor transgender.

This is a part of your boyfriend that you didn’t know about. Now you do. Only you can really decide whether this will break the relationship. He is still the same person he always was and presumably the reasons you love him haven’t changed.

Experience suggests that it is very unlikely his cross dressing will stop. No psychotherapy or other therapies have been successful in “curing” crossdressing!.
I would urge you to take time to decide what you want to do and what you feel you have to do. While he can’t change you do have the opportunity to walk away if you feel you cannot handle this.

Don’t feel guilty about making a decision for you. Even if you love your boyfriend you might feel you cannot put up with his crossdressing. And that is ok, you must make a decision you are comfortable with. On the other hand, about 5% of men have been known to crossdress and so you can be sure you are not the only girlfriend who has this problem. ( it might be worth looking here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing for more info )

But do take time and maybe discuss it with your boyfriend if you can.

YumCha

As far as fetishes go, this one is a) not uncommon, and b) not harming anyone.

If you can't get over it, then well, that's that - but if it's possible I'd say try and be open minded. Your boyfriend isn't any less of a man, or any less of your boyfriend for that matter for having this fetish, and it's not like he's trying to force it on you.

I'd suggest you do a bit of research, and for you guys to have an open chat about what it means for both of you - whether you're comfortable with him being more visible around the house - or whether you're not, will he be okay if you don't support him, and talk about some ground rules from there (assuming you want to stay together).

You might not get to a point where you want to help him get dressed and put on his makeup (and that's okay), but I don't feel like this is a binary choice between "get out of there" and "be 100% on board" - do what works for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your responses.

I am still a bit shocked by the whole thing, but we were actually able to talk about it today after the dust settled.

TBH it still sort of freaks me out, I can't understand the drive to do it. I spent a lot of time last night and this morning reading about the whole thing and it seems a lot more varied than I thought.

We spoke at length about it, he knows that he can't stop it (apparently he's tried many times) and that it is just part of who he is. The way he explained it to me was that it just another "role" that he plays, as much as the person he becomes at work when he is with his workmates or practicing in court. It is part of who he is but isn't the whole him.

My main concern was that this was going to "grow", especially after I read about people going outside dressed and trying to convince others they were women. He doesn't want any of that, he basically treats it as a stress reliever, nothing more.

The other concern I had was that I don't want it to be any part of our intimate life, I am with a man, and that is it. He said it hadn't even crossed his mind to bring it to that level, it is just something he needs to do every so often and I can be as little involved as I want to be. I think I will be as little involved as possible.

We talked a lot, I cried a bit. But we're still together - he seems relieved that I know, and even though I am upset about the years of hiding it from me - he has kind of put some of my fears to rest.

It still sort of turns my stomach, but I hope we can move on.

Manco

Your boyfriend is perfectly normal. Only you can choose who you feel comfortable being in a relationship with, but it would be a terrible shame if a relationship ended over something like this, at least without some more attempts at dialogue about the issue first.

username123

ohsoconfused wrote: »

It still sort of turns my stomach, but I hope we can move on.

I think it would be worthwhile to examine within yourself why it makes you feel this way.

I dont understand the drive to do it either, but I will be honest and say if my husband did it, I really dont think Id mind. I dont see any harm in it, I dont see it as a "bad" thing, I just see it as something harmless someone does to express something within themselves. Maybe if you understood it a bit more it might not seem so sickening for you? (Im not claiming to understand it myself btw).

Your partner is still the same person he has been throughout your entire relationship, and this is just something new you know about him. Obviously if you are really against this, then you cannot stay in the relationship but I would suggest a lot of your initial feelings may be coloured by shock and fear of the unknown etc... so it would be a good idea to simply take it in and let your emotions settle before making any drastic decisions.

On the scale of things I would find unacceptable in a partner, cross dressing would come very very far down on the list, but I can understand that this has shaken your worldview of your partner. Only you can really decide if you can accept the new worldview. Best of luck.

Elmer Blooker

it's a funny old world when some would see crossdressing as a perversion (not me) and very hard core pornography where women are raped and abused is almost becoming acceptable. That's my take on it anyway.
Have a good chat with him OP and see how big a part it plays in his life.

WindSock

There are a lot worse things a partner can do than wear your clothes the odd time. Unless he ladders your favourite tights each time.
Seriously though, how big a thing is it to you that it is his thing? It is not really disrespectful of you that he has his own private desires to transform himself for brief periods. Of course you got a shock that he hid this from you for a few years, but he must have known how you would take it so he didn't reveal this side to you, so there is no need to be feeling betrayed about it. You reacted how he expected so what was he to do?
I would say stand in his shoes for a moment, but...

LegacyUser

You are right, there probably are worse things that he could do - it doesn't take away the shock though.

As for it turning my stomach, that was the closest reaction I could verbalise. It was just something I didn't expect to see, my bf in skirt, tights, top, bra etc. These are all clothes that we don't think twice about, but then again, I don't think twice about pulling on one of his shirts or jumpers or for that matter wearing trousers.

It's funny, but reading the varied reactions here, I am starting to feel a bit better about the whole thing. I am still a bit in shock, but since me finding out, he is being really loving and I think he feels as if there is a weight of his shoulders. He actually has not mentioned it, I have been the one to bring it up, he is being pretty open, but maybe he is waiting to see my reactions.

At the moment, I don't want to see him dressed but I also don't want to shut down who he is either. This is a whole brave new world for me. At the moment, leaving him is the last thing on my mind - i really just hope I can understand what is going on

ShaShaBear

So he likes to dress like a woman, perhaps to feel like a different person for a few minutes, to feel good, to feel relaxed.

Same reason why I sometimes wear my partner's tracksuit bottoms, tshirt, hoodie AND trainers into college. It feels good, I feel relaxed, I feel its a nice change from the dresses, and tight jeans and uncomfortable shoes and boots.

But that's completely acceptable

Abigayle

ohsoconfused wrote: »

Long timer...going anon

I came home from work early the other day and caught my live-in boyfriend of 4 years dressed in my clothes with a wig etc. It turned my stomach so damn much.

We love each other deeply, and I felt that we had such a good connection, I even moved cities for him so we could start out lives together, now I feel like it's a complete sham.

We sat and talked, and this is by no means the first time he's done it, he said it comes in waves with him, sometimes the "urge" disappears completely, and sometimes it comes at him day after day, usually when he is stressed or busy at work (he's training to be a barrister so I know how cut-throat and stressful his life is).

I know he's not gay and he says he is not transgender (i also know that gender and sexuality are not the same) but this has completely blindsided me. He says I am the first person to know, it has always been in the house and there is nothing else involved.

How do I go on? I love the man I'm with but what happens next? will he want to do it more now that I know? Is there a bigger issue?
He's seemingly back to normal, off with his mates to play football etc - and I am a wreck.

I'm sorry to hear you're distressed about this, but in a way I'm also glad that you talked about this.

Be careful how you approach this. Not all men that dress in womens clothes are transgender or want a full change.

I got to know to know a guy and found out along the line that he had a few 'kink's things he liked in terms of womens wear. He'd love the feel of my suspenders and tights while we had sex. I feel that he thought that women could present much more seductively in the bedroom, and lets face it we can

Further to my point, some people use different kinds of inspiration if we have some 'solo' time, be that porn or going a little outside of that by dressing up in the textures that remind you of someone.

I think textures can stick in the memory, and may be very erotic during intercourse.

OP, your partner is a normal person, with normal kinks of his own. It changes nothing about him. Sit down and have a chat with him, but rather than distance yourself from this, get involved. And by all accounts, talk to him about things you'd like to see played out

Dave!

You're handling this very well OP! I can imagine it's a very shocking, and probably unsettling, thing to witness, but you're being calm about it, researching it, and talking it through with your bf; I imagine a lot of people would instinctively react by ending the relationship, rather than soldiering through the discomfort.

Good for you guys!

Gokei

Wouldn't it be great if we were all perfect..
This is just a side of his persona that comes with all the things you love about him.
Laugh it of and offer to do his make up.

Cork selfbuild

ohsoconfused wrote: »

but then again, I don't think twice about pulling on one of his shirts or jumpers or for that matter wearing trousers.

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Same reason why I sometimes wear my partner's tracksuit bottoms, tshirt, hoodie AND trainers into college. It feels good, I feel relaxed

Hi OP, you seem to be getting a good handle on things, just one thing came to mind, it's not quiet in the same league but it's still in the league...

Alot of GF/OH (as both mentioned above) love to wear their BF/OH comfy hoodies/trackies or shirts, a lot have said I like the feel the smell of their OH and it relaxes them, as Sha Sha mentioned, which is perfectly fine! Where I'm going on this is, is it your clothes specifically or would he like his own?

Stress is a killer, everyone wants escapism from reality, a lot use alcohol, some use drugs, some exercise etc... Everyone has their outlet...

For your own piece of mind in the future, I would make sure that it's just the clothes and no desire for more, have you asked him, is it an emotional thing or does he get sexually aroused?

COYW

Cork selfbuild wrote: »

Where I'm going on this is, is it your clothed specifically or would he like his own?

I was just going to ask this as well. And was it the fact that he was wearing your clothes or women's clothes in general that shocked you the most? I consider myself to be quite conservative when it comes to issues like this OP and I sense that you are quite like me in that regard.

I used to live with a guy who wore cross dressed in our apartment. One afternoon, when the rest of us were supposed to be out, I walked into the kitchen and he was there dressed up. I was shocked and he asked me to promise that I would never tell his g/f or the others, which I respected of course. At first I was really shocked by what I saw, however, on further reflection, I thought it through and like many others here I came to the conclusion that it was harmless escapism and there are far, far worse things that he could have been doing.

We just put ground rules in place and I let him know when all of us were going to be out and he would only dress up then. Good to see that you are thinking this through and I really hope it works out well for you.

LegacyUser

thank you all so much for your perspectives on this, at has helped me no end. I put some of these questions to him over the last couple of days.

It isn't sexual, he just finds it relaxing to "be" someone else. When I caught him, he was in the kitchen clearing up, something he always does, he just happened to be doing it in my clothes.
It is about the clothes, not just "my" clothes, which I must say is sort of a relief, as I hate to think of my own stuff getting stretched or ruined.

We will get him some of his own things and work from there. Will I ever offer to do his makeup? Maybe, maybe not - at the moment I am working through the issue and realign my view of him. He's still the football/rugby mad guy I love, just with an other side that I wasn't aware of - it'll take time but this forum has been (will be?) a great place for support.

Cork selfbuild

ohsoconfused wrote: »

It isn't sexual, he just finds it relaxing to "be" someone else. When I caught him, he was in the kitchen clearing up, something he always does, he just happened to be doing it in my clothes.
It is about the clothes, not just "my" clothes, which I must say is sort of a relief, as I hate to think of my own stuff getting stretched or ruined.

Well that is a good thing that's it's just escapism...

ohsoconfused wrote: »

We will get him some of his own things and work from there. Will I ever offer to do his makeup? Maybe, maybe not - at the moment I am working through the issue and realign my view of him. He's still the football/rugby mad guy I love, just with an other side that I wasn't aware of - it'll take time but this forum has been (will be?) a great place for support.

Ye really sound if you have really talked and are working it through, best of luck to you both in the future!

McDonnellDean

I have never in my life thought I would quote Maddona, but here it goes

Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

Your reaction was completely normal, we have been conditioned to consider women as sexual objects and by extension their clothes to be an extension of that sexuality.

I have been wrestling for a long time with my own opinions on our patriarchal society, ever since my daughter was born. I have never felt the need to cross dress but lately I am finding the world I live in is geared towards the oppression of women's equality on some very fundamental levels.

Ultimately it is just pieces of cloth, not unlike how people carry secret feelies around with them from their old blankies. It's very rarely a sexual thing. The reason people find cross dressing abhorrent is because of what Maddona says, deep down it is highly degrading for a man to want to know what it's like to be a girl. This is also evident in how we associate gay men with attributes and nuances usually reserved for women.

My only advice to you is this:

Don't try to understand it, just be accepting of it. Ultimately all of the negativity around men cross dressing is due to our society treating women and by extension their outfits as "things", if we where a truly equal society this conversation would not be happening.

Whether he knows it or not, deep down, your fella, most likely, further along in accepting the fact that both men and women are equal and should be treated as such, he may just not know it yet.

Supraman

Fair play op . He can't ask for more than that .

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I found myself in the exact same position as you earlier this year. My boyfriend voluntary told me about his cross dressing, I didn't catch him in the act, but apart from that our situations are the same.

I completely understand where you're coming from. When he told me I was strangely OK with it, I loved him very much and I was honoured that he told me something about himself that no one else in the world knew. But then he wanted to show me himself dressed in women's clothing and I'll never forget the shock of seeing my masculine, sexy boyfriend in women's clothes and a wig.

I have done a lot research into cross dressing but no one can tell you what to do. Men cross dress for so many reasons, an awful lot of them not being remotely connected to sexual feeling at all. You are going to have to take it day by day, if you still love him and are attracted to him that's a great sign, it sounds so superficial but accepting such a taboo thing about someone is very difficult. Just remember he is the same person, he has the same personality, all the things you love about him are still there, he just likes to wear women's clothing.

It all depends on how you feel OP. I wish you all the luck in the world. It is so so hard to try and get your head around it. All I can tell you is to read as much as you can about it, you'd be surprised at how common it is really. And again just keep focusing on the fact that whether he's in jeans or a dress, he's still the person you love.

Good luck.

Gokei

ohsoconfused wrote: »

You are right, there probably are worse things that he could do - it doesn't take away the shock though.

As for it turning my stomach, that was the closest reaction I could verbalise. It was just something I didn't expect to see, my bf in skirt, tights, top, bra etc. These are all clothes that we don't think twice about, but then again, I don't think twice about pulling on one of his shirts or jumpers or for that matter wearing trousers.

It's funny, but reading the varied reactions here, I am starting to feel a bit better about the whole thing. I am still a bit in shock, but since me finding out, he is being really loving and I think he feels as if there is a weight of his shoulders. He actually has not mentioned it, I have been the one to bring it up, he is being pretty open, but maybe he is waiting to see my reactions.

At the moment, I don't want to see him dressed but I also don't want to shut down who he is either. This is a whole brave new world for me. At the moment, leaving him is the last thing on my mind - i really just hope I can understand what is going on

How's things op?

Taltos

Gokei - please read our charter before you post here again. PI is strictly moderated due to the seriousness of some of the issues and asking for updates is not appropriate or acceptable.

Closing thread now.
Taltos