Move in with bfs family - Good or bad idea?

LegacyUser

Not a major issue, but one thats on my mind nonetheless. Due to go travelling just after Christmas. My bfs mam said I could move in to there house for the month before to give me a chance to save, get organised etc. I currently live in a houseshare. I am so used to being independant and doing my own thing as i've lived out of home for a good few years. In theory it's a great idea, but I have my reservations. I get on great with my bfs family and would be down there most weekends, but stay at home most weeks. I also find it hard to let people fuss on me, and I know she'd want to be making dinner for me. I am only down there at the weekend now so would have dinner the odd time, which isn't too bad, just would find it weird every evening. I guess I could tell her I would chip in with cooking/shopping etc. I am painfully aware how living with someone can go pearshaped very easily and i'm afraid the situation could be uncomfortable or awkward. It could also be great and my bf thinks its the best idea since sliced bread. Also how do I broach the subject without hurting my bfs mam if I decide not to move in. She's said it to me a few times, so not just a fleeting remark.

LegacyUser

In my experience, a terrible idea. DO NOT DO IT. A near identical situation almost caused my bf and I to break up.

Yours is very short term, so perhaps you could survive the month, but most likely she will be constantly fussing over you, wanting to do your washing (I had a very embarrassing situation with underwear which I wanted to wash privately and she came into my room, removed them from my hidden laundry bag and washed them for me after me insisting I do my own laundry).
After the first week I felt I was grating on my bf's father and siblings nerves by always being there in the evenings, at tv time they were constantly feeling the need to check if I was okay with what they were watching, etc.

My situation was identical to yours also in that i spent most weekends with them but things became very strained towards the end of my 6 week stint with them.

I would never ever do it again.

judgefudge

Well considering it's only for a month maybe it's worth a shot. If you were saying it's for a year or something I'd probably say not to (considering what you've said about being independent). But for a month, even if they all drive you crazy after a week or two you could probably manage to hold it together without causing problems in your relationship.

You could always say to her that you like to cook your own food. Or make up some excuse.

aisr1ofk43dpy5

judgefudge wrote: »

Well considering it's only for a month maybe it's worth a shot. If you were saying it's for a year or something I'd probably say not to (considering what you've said about being independent). But for a month, even if they all drive you crazy after a week or two you could probably manage to hold it together without causing problems in your relationship.

You could always say to her that you like to cook your own food. Or make up some excuse.

I think if you have to ask on here don't do it a lot can go wrong in a month. Sorry if its not what you hoped to hear. Sorry quoted the wrong post there.

seamus

Your boyfriend thinks it's a great idea because he feels comfortable at home, and most of the time we don't seem to realise that our partners aren't as relaxed around our family as we are.

Which is a strange quirk of relationships because if you were to propose living with your family, he would probably not think it's such a hot idea.

There's nothing wrong with saying no. Explain to him that when you're at his parents house, you feel like you're a guest (which you are), and you would have to mind your Ps and Qs 24 hours a day. If you were to live there, you would feel like you could never relax. You could never just stick on your pyjamas, open a bottle of wine and a bag of crisps and veg out on the couch.
Or wake up hungover on a Saturday morning and mope around the house all day, ignoring everyone else. Because it wouldn't be your home. You'd be a guest.

Could you do it for a month? Yeah probably. But as said above, there is also the risk that even a month could lead to some awkwardness and bad feeling between yourself and the in-laws. You would be biting your tongue and minding what you say, but the tension would be palpable and may change the relationship.

I think explaining to both of them from the POV that you will feel like you're a guest at the house all the time is the best way of doing it. It's effectively you say, "It's not you, it's me".

Oryx

That saying 'if in doubt, do nowt' applies here I think. The only incentive seems to be financial. How much could you realistically save in a month anyway? Is it worth the potential grief?

But how to tell your boyfriend and his mum gently, without causing offence.... You could tell your fella exactly what you said here, that you like his family, and don't want to risk falling out with them by living with them! And his mum is probably adult enough to hear it too. Youre not staying away because you dont like them, but because you do, and you dont want to change that!

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Your boyfriend thinks it's a great idea because he feels comfortable at home, and most of the time we don't seem to realise that our partners aren't as relaxed around our family as we are.

Which is a strange quirk of relationships because if you were to propose living with your family, he would probably not think it's such a hot idea.

There's nothing wrong with saying no. Explain to him that when you're at his parents house, you feel like you're a guest (which you are), and you would have to mind your Ps and Qs 24 hours a day. If you were to live there, you would feel like you could never relax. You could never just stick on your pyjamas, open a bottle of wine and a bag of crisps and veg out on the couch.
Or wake up hungover on a Saturday morning and mope around the house all day, ignoring everyone else. Because it wouldn't be your home. You'd be a guest.

Could you do it for a month? Yeah probably. But as said above, there is also the risk that even a month could lead to some awkwardness and bad feeling between yourself and the in-laws. You would be biting your tongue and minding what you say, but the tension would be palpable and may change the relationship.

I think explaining to both of them from the POV that you will feel like you're a guest at the house all the time is the best way of doing it. It's effectively you say, "It's not you, it's me".

Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't feel relaxed, i've stayed there and had drinks and a good old natter with his mam when the bf is gone out, I feel quite comfortable there, but it's just not the same is it. They're pretty laid back.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

That saying 'if in doubt, do nowt' applies here I think. The only incentive seems to be financial. How much could you realistically save in a month anyway? Is it worth the potential grief?

But how to tell your boyfriend and his mum gently, without causing offence.... You could tell your fella exactly what you said here, that you like his family, and don't want to risk falling out with them by living with them! And his mum is probably adult enough to hear it too. Youre not staying away because you dont like them, but because you do, and you dont want to change that!

That's it. I'd say maybe €4 or €500 at the very max. I'd have to hand his mam up a few bob too, even though she's not expecting anything, I just couldn't do it. Plus its a month less I have to get organised move clothes, furniture etc. I just have seen first hand how living with people is a completely different dynamic to spending a good deal of time together etc. The fact me and the bf have never lived together either, could cause problems in itself.

Santa Cruz

Keep well away. I can imagine her with a glass up to the bedroom wall!

LegacyUser

beentheredonethat99 wrote: »

In my experience, a terrible idea. DO NOT DO IT. A near identical situation almost caused my bf and I to break up.

Yours is very short term, so perhaps you could survive the month, but most likely she will be constantly fussing over you, wanting to do your washing (I had a very embarrassing situation with underwear which I wanted to wash privately and she came into my room, removed them from my hidden laundry bag and washed them for me after me insisting I do my own laundry).
After the first week I felt I was grating on my bf's father and siblings nerves by always being there in the evenings, at tv time they were constantly feeling the need to check if I was okay with what they were watching, etc.

My situation was identical to yours also in that i spent most weekends with them but things became very strained towards the end of my 6 week stint with them.

I would never ever do it again.

Thanks, thats the type of thing i'm afraid of. Think i'll stay put. My bf has never moved out of home so don't think he understands my concerns.

tinkerbell

No, I mean realistically you'd only save a few hundred and in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't equate to much while travelling for a long while! Go with your gut on this one.

strobe

You know it all depends on one thing. If you're comfortable with it. If you were you should go for it. But you're not. That's no big deal. Just say thanks for the offer but you'd feel in the way and like your own little space where you are now.

It's no biggie, they'll all understand.

CaraMay

Unless you are completely high maintenance, a month should be no bother.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Unless you are completely high maintenance, a month should be no bother.

Thats sound advice thanks for that. How much experience living with people do you have? It's nothing to do with being high maintenance. In fact, if you gave it a thought for 2 seconds you'd realise that being independant and not wanting to let people fuss after you is completely the opposite.

CaraMay

Indogirl wrote: »

Thats sound advice thanks for that. How much experience living with people do you have? It's nothing to do with being high maintenance. In fact, if you gave it a thought for 2 seconds you'd realise that being independant and not wanting to let people fuss after you is completely the opposite.

Am sure you would be sons to get your point across

Merkin

I don't think it's a good idea. If you envisage the lady wanting to fuss over you and you knowing that you would not be comfortable with this then you're best just to avoid this happening altogether. If the savings to you would be minimal anyway then it's best just to move out when you had planned to, thank her for the offer though - she sounds quite sweet.

freshpopcorn

Hi!
Some people could live with anybody. When your living in somebody else's house you kind of need to adapt to their household. This is easy for some people to do and it isn't for others.
If I am a guest in somebodies house. I wouldn't mind what they watch on tv or how they relax. If you didn't feel comfortable you can always go to your room.
As for the mother cooking for you. She might see no bother in doing this for you because her opinion might be I am cooking it for myself anyway so putting a little extra on for you won't make a difference. If you did stay and she insisted on cooking. You could offer to cook a few times a week.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I don't think it's a good idea. If you envisage the lady wanting to fuss over you and you knowing that you would not be comfortable with this then you're best just to avoid this happening altogether. If the savings to you would be minimal anyway then it's best just to move out when you had planned to, thank her for the offer though - she sounds quite sweet.

She's an absolute gem, treats me like one of her own. Which is more reason i'd hate to cause any ill feelings.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Am sure you would be sons to get your point across

?????

iusedtoknow

Indogirl wrote: »

She's an absolute gem, treats me like one of her own. Which is more reason i'd hate to cause any ill feelings.

I actually can see why she offered though - she sees the two of you going off together, which in her mind is when you come back, you'll be a stronger couple and more "settled". She probably wants to get the chance to get to know you a bit better before you head off knowing that you'll probably be a bigger part of your BF's (her sons) life when you come back.

Still, I wouldn't do it - at least not at this stage. For the sake of 1 month a couple of hundred euros it wouldn't be worth it

Merkin

Indogirl wrote: »

She's an absolute gem, treats me like one of her own. Which is more reason i'd hate to cause any ill feelings.

Aww, that's nice. Just tell her that it's handier to stay where you are but that you appreciate the offer.