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Marriage troubles, found new love

  • 25-09-2013 8:05pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    My wife and I have been going through a very rough part in our relationship. I have been very lonely and for some time she emotionally and physically pushed me away. I am not saying she is the only one at fault - we both made mistakes. Then I fell in love with someone else - one of my best friends who has been very understanding throughout. The problem is he is also male. I dont think I am gay, but my feelings for him is very strong, and I dont know what to do. Can some one please offer some advice?


Comments

  • #2
    blatantrereg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    DublinDepression wrote: »
    My wife and I have been going through a very rough part in our relationship. I have been very lonely and for some time she emotionally and physically pushed me away. I am not saying she is the only one at fault - we both made mistakes. Then I fell in love with someone else - one of my best friends who has been very understanding throughout. The problem is he is also male. I dont think I am gay, but my feelings for him is very strong, and I dont know what to do. Can some one please offer some advice?

    No, the problem is that you're married to one person and in love with another.

    Sometimes it's best not to think in terms of labels. You're finding intimacy with him that you have been starved for in your marriage. Maybe it's natural enough to develop romantic feelings as a result, even if you aren't usually attracted to men.

    To me it's more respectable than it would be if it was a woman. Men often confide in and take support from other women in situations like yours. It could be seen as a form of infidelity in itself, and it often leads to physical infidelity. Sometimes that is the real motivation behind confiding in them in the first place. It's not surprising if something develops, and does not encourage sympathy. [The same is true with the genders reversed too.] Surprise homosexual attraction strikes me as a lot more innocent.

    If you're serious about trying to fix your marriage, then distance your friend. Explain to him why, with broad strokes. Try to find that same sort of connection with your wife again.

    If you think your marriage is over, or if you don't think it's worth saving, then look at finishing it properly. It's best to be open-minded. I wouldn't suggest staying in a marriage just because you're married. I wouldn't suggest dismissing the possibility of a relationship with someone just because you're not accustomed to being attracted to someone of their gender.

    As a final thought, it is possible to love someone without being in love. It might be possible to confuse the two. Perhaps you would find it impossible or offputting to try to develop a physical relationship with your friend, if it were to come to that point, if it's not compatible with your sexual orientation.


  • #3
    heretochat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 533 ✭✭✭heretochat


    OP you don't say whether anything has happened with this friend or whether he has just been there for you as someone to listen to.

    It may well be the case that you have found a release valve in being able to talk to your friend about the problems and you say that he has been very understanding. However, that may be as far as it goes as far as he is concerned? Your post is not clear on that point.

    It comes across to me that you are seeking affection anywhere you can find it as it may be missing in your marriage.

    However, if you want to make the marriage work, you need to talk to your wife and maybe seek couples counselling.

    In any event it is not fai to her to be thinking about starting a relationship with anyone (male or female) while still committed to her.


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