friend too helpful

LegacyUser

I am male and have a good mate . he is decent etc but too decent? We keep in touch by text and tell each other if we find anything of interest. i found some loft insulation at a really good price and he was looking for it. I told him and drove him to the place only down the road. He insisted on buying me coffee and something for my daughter.

Any time i even give him a lift there is a major payback. always giving me things,trying to be 'helpful' crowding me

That is a pattern. i got something yesterday and he was over helping to put it together and 'knowing someone' who will be able to 'give me' or 'get me' something else i may need which i was going to buy. Now it is getting to the stage i do not tell him what i am doing as he crowds me with all trhis 'help'. What is this about? it js driving me crazy

I would like to ask his ex if she saw that with him but do not like talking about him behind his back. She told me before he used get depressed re a health problem i think that is why she is ex. he wants to be independent i guess hence paying his way re coffee but i do too. i do not need someone all the while seemingly thing he has some responsibility towards me

IrishEyes19

dont crowd me wrote: »

I am male and have a good mate . he is decent etc but too decent? We keep in touch by text and tell each other if we find anything of interest. i found some loft insulation at a really good price and he was looking for it. I told him and drove him to the place only down the road. He insisted on buying me coffee and something for my daughter.

Any time i even give him a lift there is a major payback. always giving me things,trying to be 'helpful' crowding me

That is a pattern. i got something yesterday and he was over helping to put it together and 'knowing someone' who will be able to 'give me' or 'get me' something else i may need which i was going to buy. Now it is getting to the stage i do not tell him what i am doing as he crowds me with all trhis 'help'. What is this about? it js driving me crazy

I would like to ask his ex if she saw that with him but do not like talking about him behind his back. She told me before he used get depressed re a health problem i think that is why she is ex. he wants to be independent i guess hence paying his way re coffee but i do too. i do not need someone all the while seemingly thing he has some responsibility towards me

I'll be honest here, he sounds like someone who if someone does him a good turn he'll repay the favour. So you helped him out a bit, so he bought you a simple coffee in return. He came over to help you set up something, and he referred you to people he knew would do a good job or knew the industry. Maybe I'm missing the point but he sounds like a nice person, and is it that you feel like your friendship is based entirely on this act of giving and it seems a bit formal or something?

He just sounds traditional, I would say if its really bothering you, be frank about it. dont be cruel obviously but say that the gifts aren't neccessary. but he doesn't sound like the worst friend to have either.

amtc

I redid my mate's cv last week and she offered to clean my cooker - all this stuff is called being friends....

John Mason

its called be a friend. thats what friends do.

show a appreciation for help received and help out when they can

wirelessdude01

Really don't see what the issue is here. It is what people do, they help each other. Wouldn't it be worse if they just left you alone and friendless with no help for anything.

wallycharlo

dont crowd me wrote: »

...i got something yesterday and he was over helping to put it together and 'knowing someone' who will be able to 'give me' or 'get me' something else i may need which i was going to buy...

OP, this sounds terribly ungrateful in fairness.

judgefudge

I don't see any difference between what he has done and what you originally did by telling him about the cheap insulation and giving him a lift ?!? Bit bizarre really op.

He's just being a mate by the sounds of it. Maybe your post isn't coming across right and he's clinger than you've made it sound. If he has had mental health issues maybe he is just trying to maintain the friendships that are important to him and is going overboard on it a little. At a leap.

LegacyUser

it seems i did not put it very well. i am ok with giving and taking. but he is always giving and in a pushy way making up my mind and pushing me to accept something i do not want. I do not expect a gift cos i give someone a lift. it makes me feel he thinks i only do it for the gift.

Yet when i offer he does not accept except small thing like lifts/insulation and even they have to be 'paid' for. He wanted to help me paint house when we spoke of painting [i said i wasn't going to do it] but would not allow me help him when he was doing a painting job. When his lawnmower broke he would not accept a loan of mine but if i said mine had i would be pushed to take his

My other friends give and take butnot like that. it could be obsession about feeling responsibility/needing to help or it could be low self esteem. Whatever it is i have decided not to tell him anything i am doing any more and if i see anything he needs won't say anything. I cannot handle this pushy attitude i like to do things my own way in own time. i like help to give it and get it but cannot be crowded like that. thanks all

Animord

OP, I understand what you mean, I have a relative who is like this - always giving me stuff and 'helping' out all the time. It is lovely and the spirit behind it is really nice but sometimes it can get on your nerves. I am not sure I have any advice, but I do understand.

It is really hard to explain without seeming ungrateful.

OP, I get what you mean. I'd say your best bet is to steer clear of any possible situations where this could happen. There's no way to tell him to stop without sounding crazy and rude.

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

OP, I get what you mean. I'd say your best bet is to steer clear of any possible situations where this could happen. There's no way to tell him to stop without sounding crazy and rude.

i was in a shop today and saw something of interest to us both but did not tell him cos if i do not buy one he will buy one for me. I think it is a bit insulting really to go on like that.it infers the person receiveing cannot cope with their life and the giver must always give.

Xidu

I think this person is a very nice person, if his too helpful is annoying you, maybe don't talk to him about those things you need help or you want to buy...don't let him know everything about you.

LegacyUser

Xidu wrote: »

I think this person is a very nice person, if his too helpful is annoying you, maybe don't talk to him about those things you need help or you want to buy...don't let him know everything about you.

he is very nice decent and that s why i said i did not want to talk to his ex fg. but he has some issue that drives me nuts. i do not expect a gift if say i know you and give you as lift. i don't do it for the gift. yep i just will not tell him anything any more..but most times i tell him to help him not me

thefeatheredcat

I think your second post explains it a bit clearer.

OP I think that he sounds like the sort of person who while would be out there to help others, wouldn't feel the need to look for help for himself to the extent that he would others. I'm not saying that you're helpless in any way, but that he might feel bad about accepting help from others in the same way he offers help to you and insists upon giving it. Like something like the lawn mower you'd nearly need to not have offered the use of your own, but turned up with it instead there and then rather than a pre discussion / offering of it where he can reject the offer of help. He needs to learn to let others help him too, and that he doesn't always need to reject offers of help but to accept it even if he doesn't really need it. And also that he doesn't always need to step in and play the hero all the time, offering help all the time, but can learn to step back and let others muddle along and still feel useful and helpful in other ways.

I would agree that he is a great friend, he doesn't take your help for granted and pays you back for it in some way ..... but there is also a need for there to be a boundary where you can do your own thing and muddle along yourself when you need to without the insistence of help. While he is generous, it can come across as slightly controlling like rather than you figuring out how to bait the hook, they will see you struggle and do it for you, - take over - rather than let you figure it out yourself. I think you just need to let him know that you take on board the offer of help and will get back to him if you get stuck to let him know it's not necessary, even if he insists and then involve him directly in helping you on something else some other time.

Maybe he enjoys the time with you and enjoys keeping busy doing stuff as well. I would think too it is about feeling the need to be responsible or in a provider role where perhaps it's a need to be needed even when he's not?

A way maybe to tackle gifts is rather than him not accepting them, just get him something and don't tell him and don't be there to have it rejected. Let it be a surprise or something, or do something nice for him that has nothing to do with any favour / gift / help he's provided just as a thank you in the place of the gifts he's rejected.

unseenfootage

Its called trading favours.

Tell your friend that although you appreciate the sentiment, sometimes there is more joy in giving without receiving something in return.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I think your second post explains it a bit clearer.

OP I think that he sounds like the sort of person who while would be out there to help others, wouldn't feel the need to look for help for himself to the extent that he would others. I'm not saying that you're helpless in any way, but that he might feel bad about accepting help from others in the same way he offers help to you and insists upon giving it. Like something like the lawn mower you'd nearly need to not have offered the use of your own, but turned up with it instead there and then rather than a pre discussion / offering of it where he can reject the offer of help. He needs to learn to let others help him too, and that he doesn't always need to reject offers of help but to accept it even if he doesn't really need it. And also that he doesn't always need to step in and play the hero all the time, offering help all the time, but can learn to step back and let others muddle along and still feel useful and helpful in other ways.

I would agree that he is a great friend, he doesn't take your help for granted and pays you back for it in some way ..... but there is also a need for there to be a boundary where you can do your own thing and muddle along yourself when you need to without the insistence of help. While he is generous, it can come across as slightly controlling like rather than you figuring out how to bait the hook, they will see you struggle and do it for you, - take over - rather than let you figure it out yourself. I think you just need to let him know that you take on board the offer of help and will get back to him if you get stuck to let him know it's not necessary, even if he insists and then involve him directly in helping you on something else some other time.

Maybe he enjoys the time with you and enjoys keeping busy doing stuff as well. I would think too it is about feeling the need to be responsible or in a provider role where perhaps it's a need to be needed even when he's not?

A way maybe to tackle gifts is rather than him not accepting them, just get him something and don't tell him and don't be there to have it rejected. Let it be a surprise or something, or do something nice for him that has nothing to do with any favour / gift / help he's provided just as a thank you in the place of the gifts he's rejected.

i find it very controlling and it got really bad yesterday. i got somethinghe arrived to help and did. then did i need a A for it cos he could get them. I said no i was going to use B. Thenhe said a friend had offered him some B and he would give them to me. it was driving me crazy. have the right to be left alone too

Maybe he enjoys the time with you and enjoys keeping busy doing stuff as well. I would think too it is about feeling the need to be responsible or in a provider role where perhaps it's a need to be needed even when he's not?

i thin k he gets ansxious when alone theb other side is tho when he is busy and i text in get back a text to say' busy see you soon.' But yet appears to want me to be there to be helped any time. after yesterday i am just backing off a lot, he called today to meet up but i said i was busy

LegacyUser

unseenfootage wrote: »

Its called trading favours.

Tell your friend that although you appreciate the sentiment, sometimes there is more joy in giving without receiving something in return.

its more than that. i trade favours with other friends

kob29

He very likely has some deep routed insecurity issues. Some people are like that, if they have confidence issues they try to become useful or indispensable to people they want to keep in their life, feeling that if they dont have something useful to offer then the other person may not want them for just who they are themself as a person.

I think dont overshare, but dont eliminate him either. Can you try to invest some time in him that is just doing something fun together or with some of your other friends, thats just fun in the moment. No harm to try widen his social circle either, it might take some of the gloss and focus off you.

Cork selfbuild

Hi OP,

As I read I was thinking jes, wouldn't mind a friend like that but as you explained more, it becasme clearer.

Does he have other friends in the area?

Given what you said in relation to his Ex and health issues, it seems like he sees you as a good friend and is maybe over compensating on things that maybe his ex said when leaving, e.g. I do everything for you and you do nothing for me, breakups can be nasty and horrible things said, maybe this happened and he is ensuring now he is doing the opposite with you?

As Kob29, said maybe just go watch a soccer game or whatever with no need for anything to be shared or favours needed?

I can understand its fustrating as times, but I think with some withdrawal of sharing of jobs you need to do and just a more social friendship it may change for the better?

guillespe

Honestly i dont even see what the problem is - a friend like that is a bonus. Stop complaining.

LegacyUser

Yes he has othes friends near his home. I do not know what the relationship is like with them. His ex said he would get depressed about some health issue maybe asthma, i do not recall. She felt a bit trapped with him she said once. I do not know the exact details of the break up.

I find it a bit patronising what ever i say to betold "i will give you a hand" it is like saying i cannot do anything and it is too pushy. And when he had paint left from the house wanted to give it to me. First I can buy mine and also he should have just kept it as most would in case they would need it again.

I have avoided him lately and just did not text about anything. I cannot pass a remark about anything but he wants to do it.

Ms. Pingui

I completely understand what you mean. I had an ex just like this and it used to drive me nuts. Sometimes It's nice to have help and sometimes it's nice to do things when and how you want without being pushed into it.
For example, I keep horses and I remember one time vaguely mentioning to him that I must replace the fencing on one field sometime. Within a few hours my ex had contacted someone who had the material for cheap, borrowed equipment from my neighbour and was building my fence.
Constant behaviour like this is over bearing and annoying, it takes the power out of your hands and even the simple things you seem to no longer have a say in.
In the end I had to tell him to back off and it was a contributing factor in our break up.
I don't know I have any real advice for you op, but how you are feeling about this friend is completely valid.

LegacyUser

Ms. Pingui wrote: »

I completely understand what you mean. I had an ex just like this and it used to drive me nuts. Sometimes It's nice to have help and sometimes it's nice to do things when and how you want without being pushed into it.
For

example, I keep horses and I remember one time vaguely mentioning to him that I must replace the fencing on one field sometime. Within a few hours my ex had contacted someone who had the material for cheap, borrowed equipment from my neighbour and was building my fence.

Constant behaviour like this is over bearing and annoying, it takes the power out of your hands and even the simple things you seem to no longer have a say in.
In the end I had to tell him to back off and it was a contributing factor in our break up.
I don't know I have any real advice for you op, but how you are feeling about this friend is completely valid.

thats it right down to a tee.Thats what he was going to do last weeks. we can get A. I said no am using B, He said I know who ahs it cheap I will contact him

it is over bearing and annoying and a tad insulting when you think about it

@guillespe I disagree

guillespe

Okay i see now i didn't read your full story the devil is in the detail sorry about that..

LegacyUser

guillespe wrote: »

Okay i see now i didn't read your full story the devil is in the detail sorry about that..

no problem i did not put it very well first. thanks for your interest

@Ms. Pingu i was trying to bolden that piece i quoted wrong code sorry