Is GF Holding My Life Back?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'm 23 and have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 years. For a while now, I've started feeling like she is holding my life back a bit and I amn't really fully expressing myself or growing as the person I want to be. I feel I need to be independent and live my life first, even though I feel like she would be a great girl to settle down with in 5/6 years time.

She is insecure and it really annoys me at times. I remember when in my second year of college, I went out with my class to get to know them. And she wasn't happy at all with me getting in pictures with other girls. Be it if it was me and a few girls or just me and another girl. Tbh, I couldn't have given a rats about pictures but some people were constantly looking for people to get in pics so I just did. When they went up on FB, she wasn't happy at all, and asking me how would I feel if it had been the other way around, and tbh I wouldn't give a crap whatsoever.

Another thing was when she came to a college ball with me a year or so later, and met all my college friends, she immediately added them all on facebook, and I personally feel this was just to look at the rest of those photos of college nights out, again not trusting me. Also, whenever I'm out with my friends (all male), whenever I'd see her next, she'd always ask who I was out with, and again, I don't know if I'm paranoid, but I just get pissed off now and just say The Lads. It annoys me. If she goes out with her friends, that's it for me, I don't wanna know any details at all, just that they're keeping well.

One thing she said a couple of years ago is that if I ever took drugs at all, she'd dump me. She's completely against them 100% and is just a closed book on the subject. But that has lead me to just never try weed even, just as a personal experience that I would like to do but won't now incase she would go mad.

I've also caught her several times looking through my phone or Facebook, and the last time I flipped and she said she wouldn't do it again and it's wrong, but then a couple of weeks later she was angry at me again as she said she had used my laptop and I was still logged in, and she seen a message which would have been down the bottom, tbh I don't believe it and the message was absolutely nothing, and again she went mad at me and I had to explain it.

I just feel like I'm constantly going around with a shield up. I don't want to talk to girls incase she gets the wrong idea. I'm afraid when out with the lads that a photo will give her the wrong impression. She says that I shouldn't be talking to random girls on nights out at all, as it gives the wrong impression, and that she'd never talk to any lads she didn't know, as to not lead them on.

It feels like my life is just gonna move away and I'm just not going to enjoy my 20s at all. Like when she was busy in work one week, I ended up going out 3 nights in one week, and she commented on it in a sort of smarmy way, like why would you need to go out 3 times in a week. These should be the years of my life, but it feels like I'm almost skipping them and skipping straight to my 30s. I'm really easy going, but when I just think back on it all, it's almost as if now I have the need to rebel against her, not cheat btw, but just be free and live my life, I think I'm just living in a bubble and with someone too needy for this stage of my life.

Am I going crazy in my head or do I need to do this?

Toast4532

Your girlfriend is controlling and over the top. The best thing you can do for yourself is to dump her, and move on.

Her behaviour is WAY out of line. Looking through you phone/FB more than once? And then you having to explain innocent messages?

As for the photos thing, she really needs to get a grip and get over herself.

Does she have many/any friends OP? Do they know how she behaves? If they do, what do they think of it?

If you stay with her, her behaviour will only get worse, and she will control you more and more as time goes on. You will spend all your time walking on eggshells trying to please her, and going by your post, she is never pleased, and will never be pleased.

Get out now before she ruins your life further, and count your lucky blessings you got out before your relationship is more serious (marriage, kids, mortgage etc).

You don't deserve to be treated like this, you deserve to be happy with someone who will love you and treat you right, not control you and snoop on you. You sound as if you are afraid of her, and you should never be afraid of your partner.

strobe

You don't mention loving her, or one positive thing about her or your relationship. Tbh, it really sounds like you don't even like her, and are just with her because you've been with her for so long.

Do you love her? Are there many or any positives to the relationship?

maria34

It has nothing to do with the age.

I had a boyfriend who was acting the same. And we were around 40 uears of age.
Finally my feelings were gone, he killed them. Toke time tho as i was thinking thats what the relationship is about. Its not. U arent a prisoner. U are just a person who wants to enjoy life. She doesnt want u to enjoy life.

Dump her and tell her the reason. So she can learn maybe. If u dont tell her she will do it again.

wirelessdude01

Why are you still with this girl if she is like this? I know most people would be long gone. Stop wasting your time and get out nad see some of the world.

simonsays1

I'd be out of there like a shot

Life is too short, sounds like more of a chore then anything.

B.A._Baracus

Dude,
If your heart and mind are telling you to end it with her, then end it with her. It's your life

But can I be blunt?
There are two themes in your post. The negative paranoid aspects of your girlfriend and the fact you are in your 20s, dating a girl since 17 and you wanna live (have experiences with other women, right?)

So the only advice anyone can give is that if you do end it with her... then that's it. No "maybe in 5/6 years time" (as you stated) - you both go your seperate ways

LegacyUser

As a woman I would advise you to end things with this girl.

She is very insecure and wants everthing her own way. If she walked in on you having a druken snog with a woman on a night out I could understand why she might look though your phone or on facebook.

All couples go though good and not so good patchs in a relationship but this girl is making your life a misery by the way she is acting. She does not trust you along with the fact that she is checking up your phone and facebook to make sure that you are telling the truth about where your going, who you were with ect.

At this stage I would tell her that your relationship is finished. Let her know that you can no longer put up with the constant questions, her looking at facebook photo's or on your phone.
Tell her that she needs to grow up and learn how to trust the next man she goes out with.
Let her know that you are not going to give her another chance.

You no longer have any feelings for this girl and the longer you stay with her the harder it will be to end things.

B.A._Baracus

I just re-read your post, op. After replying.

Sounds to me like you are wondering if the grass is greener, right?
You keep mentioning her negative traits (which no one can deny are serious) But you kept mentioning your age & your youth... why? Because you re-enforce that she is a lovely girl that you wouldnt mind settling down in 5-6 years.



Op, please dont think I am rude with the following, because its hard to convay tone of voice or understanding through text on the net But I think you are split both ways, right? ... that while this girl has negative traits she is mad about you. But you have that need to be with others (being only 23 and with her for 6 years) ... and creating this thread was a way weighing up others opinions right? ... but, while not coming totally forward with your desires for others, right?

Tramps Like Us

One thing she said a couple of years ago is that if I ever took drugs at all, she'd dump me. She's completely against them 100% and is just a closed book on the subject.

Leaving aside any of the other issues, there is nothing wrong with her having this attitude

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.

@BA Baracus:

To be perfectly honest, this doesn't have to do with meeting other girls. I personally don't think I would have been a relationship kind of person in my early life if I hadn't have met this girl. It's not to do with grass is greener as such in a getting with girls sense, but it is in regards of am I missing out on life experiences? Like when I go out, feeling like I have to be on my guard, that I can't pick to do things on a whim. There's a chance that I could go travelling via work in 2 years time, but I know she won't want to do that. And it'd be the same time she'd be expecting to rent with me and move somewhere on our own. I just feel like I want to experience life more, do more things on a whim, be able to go out on more nights and whatnot, without having to sort of worry about what else is going on. I just feel like I want to be one person for a while, and not part of a two if you get me? I am slowly thinking it'll be the right thing to end it.

One thing also, I was always going to describe the negative aspects, as I feel these are the things that may be holding me back in growing into my own person, which is why I posted up here for advice.

@Tramps Like Us:

I think it's a bit much to have such a closed hatred for a recreational drug, with absolutely no thoughts at all, especially considering it's legal in some countries!

Nymeria

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Leaving aside any of the other issues, there is nothing wrong with her having this attitude

Of course she is entitled to her opinion, however dictating to the OP what he can and can't do is overstepping in my opinion. He is an adult, and if he wants to experiment with drugs that is his choice, she doesn't have to agree with him, but she shouldn't be blackmailing him either.

OP, I think you have answered your own question here and are just looking for reassurance. You have been with this person for 6 years, which is great, but you also have not experienced being an adult on your own.

She sounds like she knows she is losing you, and instead of letting go, she is clinging on tighter. The best thing for both of you would be to split as neither of you sound happy with the current situation.

Tramps Like Us

Nymeria wrote: »

Of course she is entitled to her opinion, however dictating to the OP what he can and can't do is overstepping in my opinion. He is an adult, and if he wants to experiment with drugs that is his choice, she doesn't have to agree with him, but she shouldn't be blackmailing him either.

OP, I think you have answered your own question here and are just looking for reassurance. You have been with this person for 6 years, which is great, but you also have not experienced being an adult on your own.

She sounds like she knows she is losing you, and instead of letting go, she is clinging on tighter. The best thing for both of you would be to split as neither of you sound happy with the current situation.

There is nothing wrong with having drug use as a red line issue, she is perfectly justified in this regard

December2012

She can have her beliefs - you don't have to agree with them.

Break up with her now.

Caonima

HelpPlease123Thanks wrote: »

I feel I need to be independent and live my life first, even though I feel like she would be a great girl to settle down with in 5/6 years time...

She is insecure and it really annoys me at times...

When they went up on FB, she wasn't happy at all, and asking me how would I feel if it had been the other way around...

Also, whenever I'm out with my friends (all male), whenever I'd see her next, she'd always ask who I was out with... It annoys me....

I've also caught her several times looking through my phone or Facebook, and the last time I flipped and she said she wouldn't do it again and it's wrong, but then a couple of weeks later she was angry at me again as she said she had used my laptop and I was still logged in...

I don't want to talk to girls incase she gets the wrong idea. ...

...she commented on it in a sort of smarmy way, like why would you need to go out 3 times in a week....

Sounds like another Facebook fuck-up, to be honest. That website has a great way of driving a wedge between people. Also, the pro- or anti- drugs position is a bit fatuous, to be honest. You could've put that part a bit better.

Anyway, for whatever reason, she's either generally a suspicious person or has grown that way over the years, possibly through things you've done, whether you've noticed it or not. Six years together... a lot can happen.

Ultimately, it seems that your relationship is running out of steam, and that you're both getting on each others' nerves. Who knows, dredge this website and you might even find a thread by her. And she might be even reading this thread, as she seems to be able to log into your laptop willy-nilly.

If you've gotten to the point where you're airing your probs in such a vehement way on this website, I think we both know the answer to your conundrum. Break up with her, but don't be nasty. I'm not saying dump her, like a lot of the fools on this thread are. Irrespective of her actions, the girl seems to have some issues or is feeling inadequate or suspicious of your actions. Just tell her the reasons why you want to end the relationship and then move on. You're both only 23 and can get out into the world again.

Nymeria

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Leaving aside any of the other issues, there is nothing wrong with her having this attitude

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with having drug use as a red line issue, she is perfectly justified in this regard

Are you actually going to give the OP advice, of just continue to push your anti drugs agenda? This is not the place for it.


OP, I hope you figure out the best path forward for both of you. FWIW, I think you may simply have outgrown eachother, not necessarily a bad thing. Like I said before, she sounds scared to let go, but it may well be the best thing for both of you.

Good luck.

Tramps Like Us

Nymeria wrote: »

Are you actually going to give the OP advice, of just continue to push your anti drugs agenda? This is not the place for it.


OP, I hope you figure out the best path forward for both of you. FWIW, I think you may simply have outgrown eachother, not necessarily a bad thing. Like I said before, she sounds scared to let go, but it may well be the best thing for both of you.

Good luck.

I'm not pushing an agenda, the OP seems to think that this is an unreasonable stance for his GF to take, I'm saying its not and I believe that it is quite common enough

daRobot

Get out of there asap OP. She sounds incredibly controlling, and you probably have been very patient, and wasted time with her, while pondering the decision that clearly needs to be made.

Move on, and you'll thrive without this weight on your shoulders.

Troughthemill

It sounds like your already over it TBH so just do what you have to do let her go (gently) and do your own thing for a while it sounds like your a husband on a short leash and your in your early 20's noooo...Its no good for you or her, Shes too young to handle the depth of her feelings for you and she'll only learn from the experience of your break up how to change

Be cruel to be kind and finish it before your together any longer because it just gets harder to move on from the longer it goes on

Best of luck