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Depression ruining our relationship

  • 24-09-2013 2:55pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 115 ✭✭


    So, apologies in advance for the super-long post! I'm not even sure where to begin...

    I've been with my girlfriend now for just over a year. When things are good, they're great, but when they're bad it's really bad. We don't live together yet, but it has been on the cards. I was the first one to say the 3 little words, and I asked her to move in with me so I have been very forthright in my feelings for her.

    Let me say firstly, that she is very kind, thoughtful, sweet, and she makes me laugh. The issue here is a serious one though. She had a 'tricky' upbringing, and while her family situation has improved immensely, there are still problems there. I'm not sure if it's a personality thing, or whether it is a result of her home situation, but her levels of self-confidence and self-worth are at an extremely low ebb. She has no confidence in her ability, she hates the way she looks, and she feels like a failure because she's working in a low-paid customer service role. To my mind, she's very pretty, very intelligent, and definitely is capable of more if she could get out of this rut. All of the above sentiments i've tried on numerous times to reassure her with.

    She can also be quite moody (which I find difficult, because in general i'm not a moody person, and if I have a bad day I tend to be a little quiet but not snappy). She, on the other-hand tends to 'explode' over the silliest little thing. For example, one evening last week I came home from work late as I had been to visit someone in hospital. My GF had said she'd have a bit of dinner ready for me. I arrived into the kitchen and dinner was served. I was delighted and thanked her for having it ready. She got really tetchy saying dinner was over-cooked and that I was patronising her by saying it was grand. She huffed for hours after, and I never said another word as I was hurt after having been 'attacked' as soon as I got home. Then at the weekend we were having a perfectly nice time hanging out. Next thing she disappeared and I found her up in the bedroom lying on the bed. She was really quiet and seemed peeved at me. I tried to ask her what was wrong and she just said 'everything, i'm worried about everything', got up and started packing her stuff to leave. Of course I was confused and upset, and she just said that I have more fun with my friends and without her (which I never said, or even alluded to). Finally, after many tears, she told me I was the only good thing in her life, and the only time she's truly happy is with me.

    However, it seems like anytime she feels down or stressed she either is quiet and moody, bites my head off, or turns things to make me feel like i've been unreasonable or in the wrong. She also claims to trust me, but I know she is afraid i'll cheat, and she's essentially said as much to me before (which caused a massive argument as you can imagine)!
    I'll fully admit i'm not one for confrontation, in fact, I try to avoid it, so when it comes to these incidents I never really know what to say, or how to say it, but I do try and bring it up so we can talk about it. Most of the time she gets very defensive and might even storm off.

    I fully appreciate that being depressed and low in confidence is horrible. I went through a very bad patch myself about 2 or 3 years ago but I went to counselling and sorted myself out. When I suggest that she should talk to someone she refuses saying it doesn't work 'they say what I know already', and 'I can't afford it'. I've offered to even help her pay for a few sessions but she refuses to consider it. I've been in a similar type of relationship before with a girl who had issues and it was not healthy for me.

    A lot of the time I feel I am walking on egg-shells, and i'm afraid to say anything in case it's misconstrued. I love this girl and I really don't want things to end, but I'm not sure I can deal with this long-term. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What more can I do to support and reassure her?


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 298 ✭✭alias06


    If you are going out with this girl a year and you really care about her you could try couples counselling. You have nothing to lose except the few quid it will cost you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 115 ✭✭missierex


    alias06 wrote: »
    If you are going out with this girl a year and you really care about her you could try couples counselling. You have nothing to lose except the few quid it will cost you.


    It may be completely insensitive of me to say this, but, I feel that she is the one who needs to work on her issues first, on her own, and then maybe we could try couples' counselling once things are on an even keel.

    I just feel like i've reassured her as much as possible but none of it is sinking in. I'm kinda at my wits end!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 298 ✭✭alias06


    missierex wrote: »
    It may be completely insensitive of me to say this, but, I feel that she is the one who needs to work on her issues first, on her own, and then maybe we could try couples' counselling once things are on an even keel.

    I just feel like i've reassured her as much as possible but none of it is sinking in. I'm kinda at my wits end!

    Fair enough. Maybe she needs to go to counselling then and if needs be you can get involved. Have you suggested this to her?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 115 ✭✭missierex


    alias06 wrote: »
    Fair enough. Maybe she needs to go to counselling then and if needs be you can get involved. Have you suggested this to her?

    I haven't suggested couples counselling no, but I have said on a number of occasions that I think she needs to talk to someone about her issues because the longer they fester, the worse things will get. I've reiterated the fact that I will support her 100%, but that without a committment from her to tackle things i'm not sure I can cope in the long-term.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    If you think that she is clinically depressed then her first port of call should be her GP. They may recommend CBT or some low dose antidepressants but ultimately it's up to a trained professional to ascertain what is wrong and the extent of it.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 115 ✭✭missierex


    Merkin wrote: »
    If you think that she is clinically depressed then her first port of call should be her GP. They may recommend CBT or some low dose antidepressants but ultimately it's up to a trained professional to ascertain what is wrong and the extent of it.


    I couldn't agree more, but, she has refused point blank to see a doctor as she doesn't like the idea of medication, and yet she's dragging her heels about counselling too. Maybe she's afraid of actually having to face what's going on. Or it could be something as simple as not being able to express her emotions in that setting (communication isn't a strong point of hers unfortunately).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 221 ✭✭simonsays1


    Hey,

    You need to let her know in the kindest way possible to reconsider counselling. It simply is not fair for you to have to put up with that, even if she is depressed. Let her know how it makes you feel, she needs to be proactive, she needs to at least try to see and speak to someone- for the sake of your relationship!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,253 ✭✭✭jackofalltrades


    missierex wrote: »
    I couldn't agree more, but, she has refused point blank to see a doctor as she doesn't like the idea of medication, and yet she's dragging her heels about counselling too.
    I'm a firm believer that people will only go to counselling, and face up to their issues, when it becomes too intolerable not to. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend has got to that point yet.
    I've reiterated the fact that I will support her 100%, but that without a committment from her to tackle things i'm not sure I can cope in the long-term.
    Given how you've been in this situation before and you didn't find it healthy for you, I'd look to seek a long term genuine commitment to address her issues. Anything less than that and I'd walk away. You have to protect yourself at the end of the day.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 298 ✭✭alias06


    I'm a firm believer that people will only go to counselling, and face up to their issues, when it becomes too intolerable not to. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend has got to that point yet.
    Given how you've been in this situation before and you didn't find it healthy for you, I'd look to seek a long term genuine commitment to address her issues. Anything less than that and I'd walk away. You have to protect yourself at the end of the day.

    Add to that that you will offer to support her 100%. Even go with her to counselling and wait outside if you really care about her. Encourage her to get the help she needs. She sounds like a nice person that has vulnerabilities that need to be sorted out. A good place to go is the Clanwilliam Institute if you are in Dublin http://www.clanwilliam.ie/. Its not just family therapy but for everyone.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 115 ✭✭missierex


    Thanks for your replies everyone.

    We met after work yesterday and as has been the case in the last week or so I couldn't get a word out of her, and anything she did say was negative. So I gently brought up counselling thing again. It didn't go down well. As before, she refused point blank that it could help her. She also refused to go to the doctor for medication and thinks being 'pretend' happy is pointless...I am at the end of my tether, and basically told her that unless something changes I simply cannot put myself through this again (as much as I care for her). So she left, and we haven't spoken since.

    I'm realising more and more that no matter how much I may want to help her, it's all wasted energy unless she wants to help herself.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,401 ✭✭✭✭x Purple Pawprints x


    OP some of your original post really struck a chord with me. I suspect my ex had been depressed for a good portion of our relationship and only truly realised the extent of it in the last few months as I got over the break-up. While we were together I knew something wasn't quite right because a showed a lot of the signs that you're gf seems to be showing. Moodiness, being down and worried a lot, the defensiveness, walking on eggshells. The one that stood out for me because it happened to me a LOT, was turning things around to make me feel like I was the one being unreasonable. I hated it and it was a huge contributor to us actually breaking up (he broke up with me but that's a whole other story tbh).

    My advice is to show her this thread. Tell her you're worried about her and that you don't want to lose her because you love her, it's clear that you do. Like you said, you can't make her want to help herself. If she doesn't see there are issues then I'm afraid that you could be left with no other option than to break up with her.


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