Just found out my bf is an addict.

LegacyUser

Have been seeing my bf for over a year now and for the past few weeks he's been very off with me, keeps dragging up my past where I had a ons with a friend and giving me grief about it. This happened before we got together but I still talked to the friend and it tore him up.

Now this morning it all came to a head. He admitted to me that he is a very heavy cocaine user and has been using it through out our relationship, only his mother knows and now me. He has been acting weird because he admitted he kissed a girl around 5 months ago while on one of these drug binges and the guilt was making him trying to push me away. After that happened he told me his mam tried to make him get help. He's not a cheater, I do think it was a once off mistake and after my last ex who has a second gf and was cheating on both of us it could have been a hell of a lot worse. This is why he was giving me grief over the ons, he was guilty and trying to push me away because he didn't want to hurt me.

Now I've quizzed him, he says he wants to stop so bad, he's spent the guts of 12,000 on it in the last year and a bit. I just don't know what to do, my world has been turned right over and now nothing is right.

I still want to be with him, but I'm worried that I'll try to help and he'll just keep regressing, I'll get upset, we'll fight, and then apologies. I don't want a never ending circle to start but I do honestly want to be with him. I'll forgive a kiss 5 months ago but only if it was just that I'd be worried that he'd loose control of himself and do it again and worse ... I don't think he would but that drug is so unpredictable.

Can anyone on where give me some sort of opinion, what I should do? I'm meeting up with him later on this evening to talk but I have no idea what to do, wether I should stay because I can honestly say I love him, or should I go and just leave him to get worse and worse with this drug habit. I had a cousin of mine who got clean, but she had to attend rehab and the chances of retaking cocaine is very high.

I know myself the odd time I've taken it the next few days you do crave it. And the craving can be bad, I don't take it at all now but I do understand what cravings could be like and for someone to be a lot heavier user than I was it must be 1000 times worse.

So can anyone please help me! What should I do! I honestly want to stay with him .... But there's not many success stories ... Can anyone share some knowledge? Some experiences? Anything! I feel like I'm in limbo ....

I'm 23 he's 27. And I can't be with him every day because I work full time and he's in college an hour away from me.

Merkin

Is he dealing as well? How can he afford to drop a grand a month on it if he's in college?

Gmol

Stuck In limbo wrote: »

Have been seeing my bf for over a year now and for the past few weeks he's been very off with me, keeps dragging up my past where I had a ons with a friend and giving me grief about it. This happened before we got together but I still talked to the friend and it tore him up.

Now this morning it all came to a head. He admitted to me that he is a very heavy cocaine user and has been using it through out our relationship, only his mother knows and now me. He has been acting weird because he admitted he kissed a girl around 5 months ago while on one of these drug binges and the guilt was making him trying to push me away. After that happened he told me his mam tried to make him get help. He's not a cheater, I do think it was a once off mistake and after my last ex who has a second gf and was cheating on both of us it could have been a hell of a lot worse. This is why he was giving me grief over the ons, he was guilty and trying to push me away because he didn't want to hurt me.

Now I've quizzed him, he says he wants to stop so bad, he's spent the guts of 12,000 on it in the last year and a bit. I just don't know what to do, my world has been turned right over and now nothing is right.

I still want to be with him, but I'm worried that I'll try to help and he'll just keep regressing, I'll get upset, we'll fight, and then apologies. I don't want a never ending circle to start but I do honestly want to be with him. I'll forgive a kiss 5 months ago but only if it was just that I'd be worried that he'd loose control of himself and do it again and worse ... I don't think he would but that drug is so unpredictable.

Can anyone on where give me some sort of opinion, what I should do? I'm meeting up with him later on this evening to talk but I have no idea what to do, wether I should stay because I can honestly say I love him, or should I go and just leave him to get worse and worse with this drug habit. I had a cousin of mine who got clean, but she had to attend rehab and the chances of retaking cocaine is very high.

I know myself the odd time I've taken it the next few days you do crave it. And the craving can be bad, I don't take it at all now but I do understand what cravings could be like and for someone to be a lot heavier user than I was it must be 1000 times worse.

So can anyone please help me! What should I do! I honestly want to stay with him .... But there's not many success stories ... Can anyone share some knowledge? Some experiences? Anything! I feel like I'm in limbo ....

I'm 23 he's 27. And I can't be with him every day because I work full time and he's in college an hour away from me.

It depends on what you want from life. If you love him and are prepared to be in a relationship where there is a chance the addiction could drag both of you down or cut him loose and move on and try start again with someone with less baggage.
Wish you luck either way.

michael999999

Id be worried as to how he could afford 12 grand a year on coke while being a student. He must be dealing to he's circle of friends aswell to cover he's own cut.

I think its pretty simple choice to give him really, you or the coke!

After a year the initial buzz of the drug is going to wear off, and he will need either greater amounts or something stronger. That's not to mention the paranoia and depression from it. And your waiting for the time he can't pay for he's drugs and the dealer comes knocking on your door!

Do you really need this in your life?

Catari Jaguar

Get out of this. You're very young and just starting your life. You have absolutely no reason to be dragged down by someone else's problems, especially someone you have only known a year, and who was using since before he met you. You've already used coke a few times, possibly with him, he could easily get you as tangled up in it as he is.

foggy_lad

He needs help which only he can get for himself. You need to let him get himself fixed by stepping back out of his life completely or you will just end up facilitating his drug taking. You can also do a lot of thinking in this time and when he is clean and sober maybe ye will have a good life together.

LegacyUser

He's dealing as well as taking. I never took it with him as I didn't know a out this until this morning. He said he did it the odd time at the start of the relationship but the extent was definitely not mentioned .., I'm just absolutely gutted over this. I'm In love with him and thought we had a strong future together. But now I just don't know. I know people very close to me who had to fight the addiction after years and have seen the devastation it causes especially when one cousin had a seriously disabled child as a result of drug taking.

I just don't know what to think or do! It's like a kick in the stomach

Catari Jaguar

Op again gutted wrote: »

I'm In love with him and thought we had a strong future together.

You don't even know him! You didn't realise he was a drug addict/dealer! He lies with ease, he's sneaky, he's cowardly in that he was pushing you away instead of ending it. If you thought you had a strong future you were seriously deluded, and still are, by the sounds of things if you are even considering staying wth him to patch things up and save him from himself.

Merkin

Does he actually want to quit?

IrishEyes19

Im probably going to get blasted for this. But I'd leave. Get out of there. You are 23, dear god. dont get wrapped up in this. This isn't a petty issue and I'm sorry but he will not choose you over getting better and I dont believe he wants to either, not right now, not from what you have described.

I know it sounds harsh, but you are too young to be dealing with someone like this and do you want to be dragged into a world where he could be dealing with shady characters putting you at risk. Please leave and get away. I honestly dont see a future here.

Czarcasm

OP having been addicted to coke for about five years, my wife and I would've been about the same age as you are now. I can only say one thing to you-

Get out now and get out fast.

I put my wife through absolute hell, and I look back on it now and she was foolish to stay with me.

Normally I'd be advocating staying together and supporting your boyfriend and working it out, etc, but with things like addictions, you'll go through hell and it won't just change your boyfriend, it'll change you as a person too.

At 23 years of age OP and you're only with him a year and he was able to hide that from you, you'd be better off to cut your losses and leave as my brothers girlfriend of 10 years did when she found out he was using and dealing. I never dealt coke myself but I shoved a small mortgage up my nose, and it's not easy to give up, and even harder for my brother to give up was the money. He got into dealing to pay off his debts, and ended up in even deeper debt. At least the banks send out a nice letter first rather than calling to your door at all hours.

He's only managing to get his life back on track in the last year or so, and it's like he's had to start all over from the beginning again. If you too get sucked down that rabbit hole OP you won't climb back out of it too handy, and believe me it gets a hell of a lot worse before it gets better.

tinkerbell

OP, I think you should leave him. You don't even know him. He's never been honest with you and he has managed to hide a massive drug addiction from you for a whole year, who knows what else he's hidden from you. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Leave him and move on. If you stay with him, the only one who will get hurt is you.

Big Bag of Chips

My sister-in-law is in your position. Difference is she is married, has 2 children, in negative equity and has a husband who regularly verbally abuses her due to his paranoia and occassionally physically abuses her.

She's not happy. But she feels stuck. Too embarrassed to let others know the extent (I'm the only one she confides in, and I'm sure she doesn't tell me even half of what goes on)

When you ask what should you do, what do you mean? Do you mean for yourself, or for him? You can do nothing for him, and the only thing you can do for yourself is protect yourself.

Don't end up married to him with a couple of kids if he is still using... Even "occassionally".

CaraMay

As plain speaking dr Phil says 'how do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving!'

He is a total liar. He is happy to lie to you and to cheat on you. Just because his cheating (the piece he told you about) isn't as bad as your ex's cheating doesn't make it better.

He is also lowest of the low - a drug dealer.

You can do way better. Run and don't look back.

TommiesTank

Dump him and move on with your life. Don't let him drag you down.

maria34

Dump him and in a while u have the chance to meet a normal man who doesnt do all that crap.

Troughthemill

I come from a family full to bursting with heroin addicts so I know the pain and confusion you go through watching someone you love destroy themselves for drugs.. It is tremendously difficult to go through as an addict will say mass to cover up using again and its very hard to trust them, Trust being essential to a relationship you have to set yourself limits to how much your willing to take as this will be a long and painful time for you as a couple. No one can tell you weather It will be a success but he has admitted to the problem and agreed he needs help and that Is a massive step for any addict. You should get in touch with the RISE foundation they support the families and friends who are affected by addiction and they are wonderful. I hope everything works out for you both and you can be happy and live a drug free future. Stay positive. I wish you and your partner the best of luck.

LegacyUser

I am an addict too...

You've said you want to stay with him but this is a hard road for you both.

I was in treatment this time last year for my addiction and I have thank god managed to keep myself well. I was in active addiction for 10 years and it took me that amount of time to hurt everyone around me, lose everything I had and realise I had to get well.

Your boyfriend will not be able to get clean for you, his mother or anyone else. He will get clean when he has no option. Usually when he has lost everything.

Regardless of how much you want to support him, telling him how much you love him and that everything will be ok.... Is not helpful.

Telling him you can't be in his life while he's using drugs could potentially be helpful but if he only gets clean for you....he will resent you and will be at high-risk of relapse.

Basically- we are complicated souls and we will be addicts forever, whether we are using or not.

Recovery involves a huge amount of commitment and for me, it has to come before everything and everyone in my life or I can feel my head going off again.

Basically, addicts are people who suffered some sort of trauma and with an inability to cope discovered an alternative means... For me it was food/bulimia - for your bf it's cocaine.

My advice is just to tell him you can't deal with it. Leave him and make no promises to come back when he is well. If he gets well and feels like you are a good fit for him let him come back by himself.

Good luck - don't underestimate addiction.