Am I being taken advantage of and does it matter?

Kold

Ok, so a few months back, I was eating noodles on the street at about 3am after a good few beers and this scrawny young lady comes to sell me chewing gum. Immediately I'm surprised because it's normally always kids who sell chewing gum. I said I don't want any gum but if she wants I'll buy her some noodles and with this she's pretty happy and sits down with me.
This girl would be quite pretty if she wasn't so emaciated but it appears she's pregnant. I ask how long? She says 3 months, her English is actually pretty good for a Viet. She asks me howcome people will always give the kids money and not her. I say I don't really know, I don't tend to give to kids but more to people who seem to really need it. I ask where she stays, she says very far but she can't go home until she makes enough money, I ask her how long will that be? Not until she sells all the packs of chewing gum so I give her about $3 for 6 packets and head home.

Since then I've seen her a good few times, or rather, she sees me and calls my name. I'll usually buy her some food. I try not to give too much money but I always do. Something about her being so scrawny and pregnant, I feel like I have to help out. And what is it? 4 or 5 dollars every time. Sure that's a fair bit to give to a beggar but in the end it helps her a LOT more than it helps me.

Thing is, I don't feel particularly good about it. She never seems that grateful. She always seems kind of expectant now. The last few times she's asked if I would take her back to my hotel which I've just flat out answered no to. I tell her I'll see how I can help but I don't want that from her. I just want her to look after that bump (now 6 months and she still has a boney face and seemingly doesn't eat a whole lot).

Today she called me when she saw me walking through the area to where I live so I went over to her. She was crouched over and told me her stomach hurt so I said I'd take her for some food but that I'd already eaten. I always feel super self-aware when I take her to get some food because I always think people probably think I'm with a prostitute. I mean I don't feel too bad about it because if they assume that then they can get f*cked, but it does play on my mind a bit- I know a lot of people around the area.
So I take her for food, I know she's going to ask for some money. She complains about the rain and I agree, I give her my umbrella. She wants about $8 to buy milk for her son and food for the family and she says she'll pay me back in a few days. I tell her I'll give her 5 and she doesn't have to pay it back but she wants the 8. I don't necessarily expect to get anything back.

Look, it's not as if it's that frequent. I'd be surprised if I've given her more than $30 altogether (although that's more than the average Viet makes in a week). I also know that you don't give to feel good about yourself. I give in the hopes that that baby is ok. It does somehow feel like I'm being mugged off a little. That she's found a soft touch. That's how my friends have put it but they hardly know the full story.

judgefudge

I don't know if you're being taken advantage of. I mean clearly if she needs the money she's going to take it from you. You must have known that when you started giving it to her.

You shouldn't expect a big show of gratitude every time you give her a couple of dollars either. That does kind of suggest you're only doing it to make yourself feel better.

Is a few dollars here or there going to make a huge difference to you? The problem here is that you made this into a regular thing. Meaning you can stop but I'm sure there will be guilt on your part whenever you see her. It's a tricky one.

LegacyUser

I have some experience with begging and the advice I've been given by homeless centre workers is if they need help then offer to buy them the thing that they want don't give them the money. You don't know if you're enabling drug abuse. For example, I told one girl who wanted nappies that I'd buy them for her and to come back the next day to collect them, I did and she never showed up. It's a tough call but she could be using and endangering her child's life. Taking her for food is good.

2Mad2BeMad

shes a begger mate, sent out onto the street while pregnant , every bit of money you give her goes to the people above her. Best of just telling her to get lost if im honest. cause shes taking advantage of you and your money , knowing that your hardly going to tell her off because shes on the street pregnant
seriously mate might be only a few quid a week but that adds up over a year just like smoking money costs :L not worth the hassle, next time just ignore her or tell her off

hoodwinked

its a tough one for sure, but how about you just buy her food and stop giving her money, if she's genuine at least you are still contributing (by helping her eat) and if she's not genuine (and the money is going above her) at least you are only helping her and not some one who is using her.

plus if she realises you aren't giving her money any more and she still turns up for the food you know she genuinely needs help.

redzerredzer

Do you live in Vietnam?

Cunning Stunt

I think you've been very generous already but if you want to continue helping her out then that's great advice a previous poster gave, to buy the items she needs, instead of giving her the money. Should become clear fairly fast if she is using the money to fund a habit.

Kold

redzerredzer wrote: »

Do you live in Vietnam?

Yes

Are you sure she's even pregnant?

Truth is, there are worse things happening all over the world than a pregnant woman being homeless. Every second of the day, people are homeless, hungry, addicted, abused, attacked etc. It's not your responsibility to take a personal interest in this woman. If you're really concerned about those with worse hardships than you, find a charity that helps them and give money to that, rather than to an individual.

This woman will start to rely on you if you're not careful, and after that point if you don't give her what she expects she, or those receiving money from her may react badly.

kjl

Maybe, but she sounds harmless and what is $30 nothing really.

Idle Passerby

As someone said earlier, the money you give to her more than likely is handed over to someone else later on. If she has a child already who is looking after him? Id assume she doesn't get to keep the money you give her and I doubt it is actually benefiting her son or the baby on the way very much.

By all means buy her food, at least you can see she benefits from that. I wouldn't give her money, you have no idea where it actually goes.

Lovetochill

I used to live in Ho chi Minh for years and I saw and heard all about it. Are you sure she is pregnant and your money probably goes to her fella who is a drug addict. Buy her food if she needs it but don't give her any more money. Don't expect she would be grateful with what you have done for her because she won't be. Just be happy that you have helped others.

thefeatheredcat

true-or-false wrote: »

It's not your responsibility to take a personal interest in this woman.

+1 on this. And I'd be wary of you taking a personal interest in her, for your own sake. The situation seems very much a waif of a woman, pregnant selling stuff on the street quite late at night, who has a son and a family and has seen you as a soft touch. And you are very keen to help her directly, more out of a worry and concern for her unborn child. Worry and concern are one thing, but what if you start to get emotionally drawn in? This is where while yes, you are being taken advantage of - you're incredibly generous and probably would feel guilty if you said no to requests for money - but that is where for you it matters. What if she's walking around with the new born late at night or in the pouring rain, both getting soaked (because the umbrella I'm sure would be long sold on, if I was that desperate for money, I would have sold it anyway) what do you think your emotional response is going to be? To look after her and take care of her and the child? Give her more and more money every week and never know if it benefits her, the baby, the son and family or if it goes into someone else's hand to do as they please? Or to be able to walk away from the situation?

As others have suggested, if you feel you have to give, then give a nice meal or offer to get her what she needs that she says she needs money for. And I think it would be worthwhile maybe looking into a few agencies that could help, even ask them for advice on how to handle the situation if it escalates to it being more asked of you to provide upon a regular request, rather than offering to help now and again.

You may very well be doing a great thing for this woman, but there is a danger (as true-or-false pointed out) in her forming a dependency on you to provide for her. And if others are right in that the money goes into the hands of someone else, or a drug habit, then that dependency she has on you could have consequences, especially if she is being used by someone else to beg for money, who might not be happy that the money tap gets turned off.