At my wits end!!!

Saddened2013

It is now after 8.00am on Saturday September 21st 2013. My wife has not returned to the family home since she chose to go drinking with her sister at 20:00hrs last night.

She knew that our 15 year old son had invited over 20 classmates, male & female to a post Junior Cert party at our home. She knew that I had traveled to a nearby town on the bus to meet a former male work colleague   and therefore I would not be present to supervise the event. Our sons guests were due to arrive at 20:00hrs. However, she choose to leave the entire responsibility of supervision in the hands of out 15 year old son. She had assured me that she would be here to supervise the event and to provide hot snacks for them. However, instead, she left the event unsupervised while she went drinking from 20:00hrs approximately. She did not provide any hot food, nor make any provision to have a responsible adult present to provide supervison.

I returned at midnight to find a group of boisterous teenagers, who had noisily just left our home gather in close proximity to a Public Bar as patrons were leaving. The teenagers were running across the road as vehicular traffic passed. I continued to walk home to find the house in disarray with considerable evidence of underage drinking with numerous empty beer cans around the house and grounds.

 At 06:30hrs our 17 year old son returned home, driving her car as a learner driver, unsupervised, thus making our insurance null & void. I am holding her totally responsible for both these events. Her abdication of her role as responsible parent is totally unacceptable, bordering on criminally negligent. I cannot continue to have her behaving in this negligent manner, putting the safety and welfare of our children and their guests at risk in such a dangerous manner.

What in the name of God can I do here???

bbam

Did you know she wouldn't be there when you went off in the bus?

Saddened2013

bbam wrote: »

Did you know she wouldn't be there when you went off in the bus?

Absolutely Not. I only went out to make myself scarce while my sons pals were there. She assured me that she had party food ready for the kids and that she would be there to supervise at all times. If I had any incling that she would pull a stunt like this I never would have gone out! I genuinely was shocked to discover what she'd done. 8.47 am, and still no call or txt.

I need advice on what best to do here...

LegacyUser

Saddened2013 wrote: »

Absolutely Not. I only went out to make myself scarce while my sons pals were there. She assured me that she had party food ready for the kids and that she would be there to supervise at all times. If I had any incling that she would pull a stunt like this I never would have gone out! I genuinely was shocked to discover what she'd done. 8.47 am, and still no call or txt.

I need advice on what best to do here...

To be honest, I think you need to try and distance yourself from the anxiety you're feeling over the impact of her actions and ask her why she did what she did. Perhaps she has something troubling her which prompted her to behave this way. Perhaps its simply that she wanted to be "the cool parent" and let the kids do twice own thing. Take your mind off things for a while, chill out and when she's back in touch have an honest conversation with her. That's my opinion anyway.

ElleEm

Have you tried to make contact with her/ her sister?
Did she give the 17 yr old permission to take the car or did they take it upon themselves to use it?

Saddened2013

ElleEm wrote: »

Have you tried to make contact with her/ her sister?
Did she give the 17 yr old permission to take the car or did they take it upon themselves to use it?

I made numerous calls last night but she only answered once to establish that I was on the bus home.

Yes, she gave him her car, because she and her sister uses him as Taxi.

Payton

Was your relationship breaking down before this happened...or do you see this as a way out of the marriage? As there is no background that has led to this point.
Firstly if my children (of that age) were having a party in the family home I'd make it my business to be there and at the very least I'd ring and to speak to your son and enquire how the night was going and ask .."just put your mother on the phone for a minute please" to confirm things are ok.
From what I can see you both as parents let the situation get out of hand.
If your marriage is breaking up it would make you more aware of your childrens behaviour and attitudes as they are your priority.

dharma200

I am not really sure what you can do in this situation atall, the kids are almost adults, if you create serious ripples it could just make things seriously hard for you and their relationship, obviously a fifteen and seventeen year old will favour the parent with less rules and supervision.. Not great or what you want to hear but in most cases true...
You don't mention the nature of your meeting with the work colleague.. It would seem, although her assurances come into it, a party was organised and both parents were out socialising rather than supervising... I know that isn't what you want to hear but I think perhaps that is the key, if you know your wife or ex wife to be does not keep her word in the supervising of the young adults, them you HAVE to. I don't think you can report her or them to the guards, bad idea, also social services will and can create many problems for teenagers or families....
My advice is that, in this instance, no one was killed or seriously hurt. Take it from now on that YOU personally have to assure the safety of your children as you cannot trust her to do same... Blaming and repercussions will make life harder for all and you might find turn the children against you as ofcourse they want freedom etc.

My advice, is take personal responsibility it won't happen again.. Sorry if it doesn't help but not quite sure what else you can do.

road_high

Yes I'm sorry op that reads more than a little like you are putting all the blame on your wife and basically washing your hands of all responsibility. Despite the arrangements made its equally both your responsibilities to supervise your son.

jaffusmax

Reality is there was negligent care of duty towards minors but without apportioning blame the worst case scenarios seems to have been averted thank god!

My best advise as in what I would do is firstly air my grievances then move on from it and never allow this type of situation to occur again no more parties, car curfews for the kids, and agree beforehand that if one parent neglects their duties of care toward children they are supervising they hold sole responsibility for any consequences!

I would be upset myself but maybe look into why your Mrs felt the need to go drinking with her sister in the first place! Is she depressed, worried about something etc and try to eliminate the root cause of why she felt the need to forgo supervising her own children!

Saddened2013

Thanks to all who contributed above. Yes, the marriage has been a train wreck for many years. It has been a loveless entity for years now. We share no level of intimacy for the past number of years. However, both of us have taken our roles as parents very seriously. That is why I am insensed by what occurred last night. While I agree the final result was that both parents were out socialising rather than supervising the party, that only resulted as a consequence of my wife deciding to forego her duties as a responsible supervising parent, fully in the knowledge that I was miles away for the duration of the party. Has my wife in any hinted the possibility that she would not be present, I would willingly have stayed in to supervise. In fact, if that were the case, I would have asked my son to cancel the event to a night that suited his mother, as I have always insisted she be present in case there any issues with the young ladies present. And yes I did phone my son, but rather than upset me, he did not mention that the event was unsupervised. Instead, he took responsibility, which is too much to expect of a minor.

While in hindsight, the net effect was that both parents were out while a teenage party occurred at our home, the fact was that my wife drove me to the bus fully cognisant of the fact that I would be away from home all evening. She then unilaterally decided to abandon a mixed gender teenage party at our home in order to go drinking with her sister. I fail to see how I could be held culpable here? This is a new low point in our marriage and a clear indicator that that things have just gotten out of hand!

Taltos

Hi OP - this forum is a support forum for those going through Separation and Divorce. Your issue would appear at first glance to be better suited either in Parenting or Relationship Issues. Please advise and we can move it, or if you can expand as to why S&D would be the more appropriate we will leave it here.

Thanks
Taltos

jaffusmax

Saddened2013 wrote: »

This is a new low point in our marriage and a clear indicator that that things have just gotten out of hand!

I think you know where exactly the problem lies and it starts and ends with your with your marriage. Kids will be kids and will try to run rings around both of you and if you are a broken martial unit both you and your wife will continually be looking at these type of issues from different perspectives and friction ensues!

Until that issue is sorted similar "events" that cause friction cannot be ruled out so choices now are marriage counselling, separation or just waiting it out till they become adults and gritting your teeth, but they are still your children for life! You just have to ask yourself which avenue will bring you happiness!

Best of luck mate!

Saddened2013

Taltos wrote: »

Hi OP - this forum is a support forum for those going through Separation and Divorce. Your issue would appear at first glance to be better suited either in Parenting or Relationship Issues. Please advise and we can move it, or if you can expand as to why S&D would be the more appropriate we will leave it here.

Thanks
Taltos

Hi Taltos,
I suspect what may previously be a Parenting/ Relationship issue has degenerated into grounds or a red flag towards Separation & Divorce. I have read many threads on here to gleen some insights to the highlights (the happy ever after stories) and low points/pitfalls that lay ahead.

Thanks to all on here that contributed.

S

Oryx

Who did what with the kids here is a side effect, not the real issue. The issue is that you and your wife do not communicate, and are married in name only. Continuing to live in such a situation will only continue to breed resentment and disagreement, as you both become more estranged. Your kids seem quite responsible but they are caught up in this, and it needs to stop.

Theres no point blaming her for this, that, or the other. Your whole lives together are dysfunctional.

So it is the time for a serious conversation about your marriage, whether you should live separately, and how you will progress in caring for your children. Mediation can help with this if you have decided that separation is your course of action.