Friend Question (Non Relationship)

Cinel Moen

SYNOPSIS
I have a question regarding the relationship between friends (non-sexual of course!). The friend's being me and my mate. We'll call my mate Barry. I think we may be drifting apart and I feel bad about it Take a read and any opinion's would be appreciated


BACKGROUND
I'm a male in my late 20's. My male friend (Barry) is of a similar age. We live in different towns which are about 4 or 5 miles apart. We got to know each other initially at Secondary School but became close in 2005, which would have been a couple of years after I left Secondary School. We became close because of our mutual support of a certain Football Club mainly and I suppose we has similar interests. So we began heading out (clubbing -seems like an old word!) with one another and basically doing stuff that guys do.

Then I fell for a girl and started dating her a few months after me and Barry started to head out together. The relationship with her lasted about 15 months. Through all that I would always take Barry out on nights with me and my then girlfriend sometimes much to her disapproval. I kinda felt sorry for Barry that he didn't appear to have many other friends. I was heartbroken when I broke up with my then girlfriend but Barry and his family were very good and supportive to me and I'll never forget that. That was 2006. In the intervening years things were going very well between me and Barry and he often referred to me as his "best friend" which I always thought although nice, was rather cringe worthy.


DISASTER STRIKES
Then I suffered a bad accident just over 4 years ago in 2009 and till this day the impact remains. It is psychological more than physical. I already had/have been suffering from mental illness which Barry knows about anyway. In the intervening months and till the end of 2009 and the first half of 2010 we would still have been pretty close even though Barry moved from the area. The clubbing would have stopped due to me not wanting to go clubbing (too nervous because of accident) but we would have kept in contact every 3rd day maybe.

We just seemed to drift apart then. I think he started a new job just back in our area at that time again and the psychological impact of the accident rendered me not able to head out clubbing with him. As we live in different towns, that would have been the only times I would normally see him.


PARTLY TO BLAME
Although he attended a family do a my house in 2011, something didnt seem right, I dunno. I'm partly to blame cos I didnt use a mobile phone. OCD took over! (and look how important they are) and I wasnt on facebook either but he could still call my house number.


NOT THE SAME
I attended a do a his place in Christmas past there. I wasnt drinking and he was very pleasant to me at his house and introduced to to what appeared to be the 'new' guys he heads out with but something just didnt seem right like the old days. He invited me out to the clubs with him and his mates but I politely refused as I wasnt ready to head out.

In the first half of this year I barely heard from him and when I called his house (still no mobile at that stage) I found him difficult to speak to on the phone.

Now I feel good again and have been heading out partying again after too long an absence and I have a phone for him to contact but not keen on facebook.....yet.


WHATS THE STORY?
We arrange to meet up at an event taking place in my town just over 2 months ago. So I ask him when we were away from our other mates and face to face what the story was, why no contact? He said he accepted there was little contact and I think he kinda apologised and he did seem very sincere.HE BLAMED HIS WORK which does appear fair enough given his line of work and he was telling me was dating a girl although not official. He invited me and Justin to a pub in his town and although we stay a short time, we have a great wee night and it does seem like the old days


SINCE THEN
Although he certainly has been in contact more, we still havent had a night out. He would reply to a text a day or two late and would maybe contact (on average since the face to face meeting) once every 2 and a half weeks which is better than nothing. Like I sent Barry a text about something today but he probably won't text me back for a couple of days. Why? Barry is now officially with a girl and she is his first proper, proper Girlfriend I would say (his previous only lasted a few months) and is first Girlfriend in years so I completely understand that her and reluctantly his work commitments will come before me.

He seldom heads out in the large town near us anymore were we used to head and just heads to his local pub making it a bit of a balls as its a different town from me and transport is crap.

Ironically he got me heading out with the fella I head out with now. (We'll call him Justin) but Barry he told me he doesn't really like Justin and told me he is really annoying. But he wouldn't tell Justin that to his face.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
Do I have too much time on my hands even thinking about this? Does it appear we are drifting apart? Am I another "Justin" in that maybe he doesnt like me now but as much as I'm pissed off with him I don't think he'd think of me like that.

Answers appreciated!

ivytwine

Hey OP, I hope this isn't going to come off as harsh. Before I go any further I found your post quite long even with the headings so if there's anything I've missed, apologies.

You seem really, really invested in this guy, almost to point of a romantic attachment. Please don't jump down my throat now because I am not implying you are gay (NOT that there's anything wrong with that) but if a poster came on here with so much investment in a romantic connection, reminiscing on how they met, the dates of when you met for drinks etc etc, and the other person behaved like Barry; well, we'd all be telling them that, sorry, Barry is not that into you, move on.

I have had friendships end badly, I have had friendships drift apart. I have been the drifting party once or twice. And while the pain of a close friendship ending badly is akin to that of a break-up, drifting apart shouldn't be this painful. It seems to me that you and Barry are just drifting apart. He's got his own life and you have yours. Friendships drift apart unfortunately. I wonder can Barry sense your intensity and is that a contributory factor?

I'm sure Barry is a great guy but he's not the only one there. Another factor that is jumping out at me is the fact that you don't seem to have many other people in your life apart from Barry and Justin. Now there's nothing wrong with having only a couple of close loyal friends, but what do you have in common with them? And there's a difference of having a handful of people you could call at 4am (because in the end, even the most popular person in the world only has a few, trust me) and having one friend you obsess about. The latter is not healthy at all.

What do you like to do? What are your interests? Who are you as a person? Find your passion, you'll find friends at the end of it.

Finally, the fact that Barry is bitching about Justin speaks volumes about the person he is. Think about that.

Cinel Moen

ivytwine wrote: »

Hey OP, I hope this isn't going to come off as harsh. Before I go any further I found your post quite long even with the headings so if there's anything I've missed, apologies.

You seem really, really invested in this guy, almost to point of a romantic attachment. Please don't jump down my throat now because I am not implying you are gay (NOT that there's anything wrong with that) but if a poster came on here with so much investment in a romantic connection, reminiscing on how they met, the dates of when you met for drinks etc etc, and the other person behaved like Barry; well, we'd all be telling them that, sorry, Barry is not that into you, move on.

I have had friendships end badly, I have had friendships drift apart. I have been the drifting party once or twice. And while the pain of a close friendship ending badly is akin to that of a break-up, drifting apart shouldn't be this painful. It seems to me that you and Barry are just drifting apart. He's got his own life and you have yours. Friendships drift apart unfortunately. I wonder can Barry sense your intensity and is that a contributory factor?

I'm sure Barry is a great guy but he's not the only one there. Another factor that is jumping out at me is the fact that you don't seem to have many other people in your life apart from Barry and Justin. Now there's nothing wrong with having only a couple of close loyal friends, but what do you have in common with them? And there's a difference of having a handful of people you could call at 4am (because in the end, even the most popular person in the world only has a few, trust me) and having one friend you obsess about. The latter is not healthy at all.

What do you like to do? What are your interests? Who are you as a person? Find your passion, you'll find friends at the end of it.

Finally, the fact that Barry is bitching about Justin speaks volumes about the person he is. Think about that.

No offence taken The reason I put in dates etc is I wanted to be precise as possible (just the way I am) and that is why twas long story but thanks for taking the time to read and reply

One thing I totally agree with is that I need to get more and meet new friends and get in contact with old ones. There is special circumstances in play that quite a lot of people who would have been close before were a few years older than me (they would be early 30's now) and are either starting families and I think genuinely just dont have the time I'd imagine to be heading out and a lot have left the area for work . Factor in the fact that I put myself in exile by not heading out and meeting new people and this is what will happen and its my own fault.

Regarding Barry, I'm very disappointed more than anything as he seems to forget than I was very good to him but in fairness in not uncommon for friends to be neglected when a relationship starts which I wouldn't begrudge him at all.

So you don't buy the work excuse then?

ivytwine

Cinel Moen wrote: »

No offence taken The reason I put in dates etc is I wanted to be precise as possible (just the way I am) and that is why twas long story but thanks for taking the time to read and reply

One thing I totally agree with is that I need to get more and meet new friends and get in contact with old ones. There is special circumstances in that quite a lot of people you would have been close before would have been a few years older than me (early 30's now) and are starting either families and genuinely just dont have the time I'd imagine and that a lot have left the area for work . Factor in the fact that I put myself in exile by not heading out and meeting new people and this is what will happen and its my own fault.

Regarding Barry, I'm very disappointed more than anything as he seem to forget than I was very good to him but in fairness in not uncommon for friends to be neglected when a relationship starts which I wouldn't begrudge him at all.

So you don't buy the work excuse then?

Unfortunately that does happen with people. We can be as nice and good a friend as possible but sometimes that's not enough. People are just laws unto themselves; sometimes they are the best in the world, other times, the worst.

I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt as regards work. In fairness he did agree to meet you again afterwards and people at the moment have really heavy demands placed on them in the workplace and it's not as if they can say no! There's another 40 people there who'd take their place in an instant.

But I will say this; don't be reading so much into the past, or other people's behaviour. I'm a terrible overthinker as well but counselling helped me realise that other people's behaviour is not under my control. I know that sounds really simple but once you really, really grasp that people will listen to you, maybe even take into account your feelings, but in the end, do what they want to do anyway, you'll have a far better life.

What I'm trying to say is:

It doesn't really matter whether it was an excuse. If it was, are you going to go in all guns blazing? If it wasn't, what's the problem?

Barry is an individual out of your control. Your reaction to him is in your control.

Cinel Moen

Cheers!

I know friends can drift apart but do very close friends drift apart to? That's what I can't quite understand as he still does have time to socialise albeit in his home town.

Anyway like I said he did seem genuine enough for the lack of contact and I also know the reason of his dislike for Justin would be partly because of his intensity of contact previously although Justin can be quite blunt which would be the main reason. I really haven't been in contact with Barry enough or tried to contact him enough for it to be deem intense.

mashedbanana

God love you, post traumatic stress, and social anxiety. It is certainly a lot to deal with. I think Barry has sort of matured and moved on. As sad as it sounds, it often happens. People drift apart, he seems to have come out of his shell and made his own friends. You were there for him when he had little or no friends, I understand that. it sounds as if he has sent Justin your way, in place of himself. you were a good friend to him, and naturally would appreciate the same amount of time in return. But if his life is filled with work and the new doll, well...what can you do really? not alot I'm afraid.

I feel, that the impact of your accident has left you in quite a sensitive state. I won't say fragile, but, sensitive. It is quite possible that you might be over thinking it. Take him at face value, he's busy, with the new girlfriend, and work. This might be one of those situations were you just got to let it off, you spoke to him a couple of months ago about it, not a lot has changed since then.

Do your best to keep yourself occupied, get on with your own life, and see what happens. :-)

ivytwine

Unfortunately you can drift away from people you were once very close to. There are no rules, every situation is different.

Maybe take it at face value as mashedbanana says. Some people can go for months without speaking and still be friends. Maybe that's how Barry sees it?

rainbowtrout

Cinel Moen wrote: »

Regarding Barry, I'm very disappointed more than anything as he seems to forget than I was very good to him but in fairness in not uncommon for friends to be neglected when a relationship starts which I wouldn't begrudge him at all.

So you don't buy the work excuse then?

To be fair, you had drifted apart at least 3 years ago. You said so yourself. It's nothing to do with his current girlfriend. Aside from whatever issues you have to deal with, people grow up, mature, have different interests and if they were friends with people because of shared interests and they no longer have those interests then those friendships can also fizzle out.

Your accident aside, it sounds like you were friends in school and in your late teens early twenties, he moved away to another town, he probably got bored of clubbing in his home town after so many years of it, and started to move in different circles. It happens.

Being friends with someone 10 years ago does not mean they have to remain friends with you 10 years later. Things seemed odd between you at both christmas functions over the last two years because you hadn't been in contact, you didn't know what was going on in each other's lives and I assume you didn't have much to say to each other. it can be awkward meeting someone under those circumstances because you both know how close you were previously.

You do seem a little transfixed with the fact that he doesn't reply to your messages instantly or that he doesn't socialise in your local town anymore, he doesn't have to do either. You have drifted too far apart I reckon to be considered friends, I would say you are just casual acquaintances at this stage and you would probably be better off trying to forge new friendships rather than trying to salvage one that is never likely to return to the way it was.

Cinel Moen

Thank's for the reply's guy's!

Just a couple of things though. I'm not expecting someone to reply to a text immediately, just within reason like....maybe the next day. People can be busy.

My on view on the issue is he is in a happy place now in that he has a good job and a Girlfriend and appears happy. He doesn't need or want perhaps to head out with me and the likes of Justin as we'll probably be on the lookout for woman were as he has one already. And with him sticking to his local that would be why we don't see him as much.

For the record, I probably should have mentioned that Justin told me a couple of other good friend's of Barry's mentioned to him that they hadn't heard from him for a quite a while either or something of that ilk.

Thanks for the reply's btw

Stavro Mueller

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You have drifted too far apart I reckon to be considered friends, I would say you are just casual acquaintances at this stage and you would probably be better off trying to forge new friendships rather than trying to salvage one that is never likely to return to the way it was.

^^ This. I think it was a combination of factors. Your accident and how you were after it definitely played a part in it I think. Not everyone's good at dealing with people who are suffering psychological issues. It probably didn't help that you didn't have a mobile phone because it took away the texting option. An awful lot of younger people are far far more comfortable texting their mates than picking up the phone and ringing someone's house.

All this time, Barry's now working, coming out of his shell, meeting new people, going different places, going out with his girlfriend. You sound like you've not moved on with your life at all. Have you been able to work at all since your accident? Reading between the lines, it sounds like you're still somewhat "stuck" in your home town? Maybe too, Barry detected a certain "neediness" in you and didn't want to deal with that?

I think the not replying to your messages quickly is a great indicator of where you stand. It takes no time at all to reply to a message. If I see a text coming in and I don't reply to it for ages, there's a reason for it. Sometimes it's because I'm genuinely busy and don't have the time to get into a texting rally. Sometimes I forget. Usually though, it's because I'm thinking "Oh feck. I don't want to be hearing from this person. Go away" and I deliberately take my time replying so as not to encourage them.

On the positive side,you've got your friend Justin. That's a good start. From now on you should start trying to broaden your horizons and get involved in activities that will involve you meeting more people. Maybe at some stage Barry will drift back into your life in some form.

Cinel Moen

cymbaline wrote: »

^^ This. I think it was a combination of factors. Your accident and how you were after it definitely played a part in it I think. Not everyone's good at dealing with people who are suffering psychological issues. It probably didn't help that you didn't have a mobile phone because it took away the texting option. An awful lot of younger people are far far more comfortable texting their mates than picking up the phone and ringing someone's house.

All this time, Barry's now working, coming out of his shell, meeting new people, going different places, going out with his girlfriend. You sound like you've not moved on with your life at all. Have you been able to work at all since your accident? Reading between the lines, it sounds like you're still somewhat "stuck" in your home town? Maybe too, Barry detected a certain "neediness" in you and didn't want to deal with that?

I think the not replying to your messages quickly is a great indicator of where you stand. It takes no time at all to reply to a message. If I see a text coming in and I don't reply to it for ages, there's a reason for it. Sometimes it's because I'm genuinely busy and don't have the time to get into a texting rally. Sometimes I forget. Usually though, it's because I'm thinking "Oh feck. I don't want to be hearing from this person. Go away" and I deliberately take my time replying so as not to encourage them.

On the positive side,you've got your friend Justin. That's a good start. From now on you should start trying to broaden your horizons and get involved in activities that will involve you meeting more people. Maybe at some stage Barry will drift back into your life in some form.

I would agree with a lot if not most of what you said but it is my understanding that I'm not the only close friend who Barry has not been in contact with like before. Justin (who he wouldn't have been that close to anyway) is in the same boat as me as are two other guys who would have been pretty close so perhaps he has moved on for all of us which is fair enough.

I don't think that the end of it though, we still have the same interest's in fairness and that will probably keep whatever their is alive.

It is worth noting that he said before that he American work time hours (I know they have different times zones in the US) and that would be a drain for anyone so there are mitigating circumstances.

rainbowtrout

Cinel Moen wrote: »

I don't think that the end of it though, we still have the same interest's in fairness and that will probably keep whatever their is alive.

It is worth noting that he said before that he American work time hours (I know they have different times zones in the US) and that would be a drain for anyone so there are mitigating circumstances.

You seem very keen to believe that you can keep this friendship 'alive'? Why?

Interests are not enough. Some of the people I was close to 10 years ago and socialsed with several nights a week now I don't see from one end of the year to another. We still have similar interests, work in similar jobs so by your logic we should still be friends. But we're not. We found other interests, made other friends and perhaps found that what kept us close in our 20s does the opposite in our 30s.

Working American time zones is not draining and it's not mitigating circumstances. People work shifts all the time and it doesn't affect their friendships if they are keen to maintain those friendships. Barry works shift yet manages to maintain a relationship and several friendships with lads you met at a Christmas party. So time zones are not the issue. I think you need to sit down and ask yourself why you are trying to convince yourself a friendship exists between you and a guy that you've barely seen over the last 3 years , when you did see him it was awkward and why you are coming up with a whole load of excuses for his behaviour which to be fair is fairly symptomatic of a person who has just moved on to a different part of his life.

Cinel Moen

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You seem very keen to believe that you can keep this friendship 'alive'? Why?

Interests are not enough. Some of the people I was close to 10 years ago and socialsed with several nights a week now I don't see from one end of the year to another. We still have similar interests, work in similar jobs so by your logic we should still be friends. But we're not. We found other interests, made other friends and perhaps found that what kept us close in our 20s does the opposite in our 30s.

Working American time zones is not draining and it's not mitigating circumstances. People work shifts all the time and it doesn't affect their friendships if they are keen to maintain those friendships. Barry works shift yet manages to maintain a relationship and several friendships with lads you met at a Christmas party. So time zones are not the issue. I think you need to sit down and ask yourself why you are trying to convince yourself a friendship exists between you and a guy that you've barely seen over the last 3 years , when you did see him it was awkward and why you are coming up with a whole load of excuses for his behaviour which to be fair is fairly symptomatic of a person who has just moved on to a different part of his life.

I agree with a lot of what you have said but you appear to have gotten or picked up a few things wrong.

It isn't 10 years since we were close and we were not close at Secondary School. I would say it would be maybe 3 years since we could have been considered close.

Even when we were close I would only have seen him on nights we were heading out so typically 2 nights/days per week as he lives in a different town to me.

He indeed appears to have time for a GF and new friend's but they are all from the same town as him and he would socialise in the same pubs.

There is no doubt in my mind if I for example lived in his town we would be closer or if it wasn't for that accident I suffered either. I obviously have a lot to time on my hands at the mo and I thought who better to ask for an opinion on it than your good selves as I couldn't quite work out what has happened between us.

rainbowtrout

Cinel Moen wrote: »

I agree with a lot of what you have said but you appear to have gotten or picked up a few things wrong.

It isn't 10 years since we were close and we were not close at Secondary School. I would say it would be maybe 3 years since we could have been considered close.

Even when we were close I would only have seen him on nights we were heading out so typically 2 nights/days per week as he lives in a different town to me.

He indeed appears to have time for a GF and new friend's but they are all from the same town as him and he would socialise in the same pubs.

There is no doubt in my mind if I for example lived in his town we would be closer or if it wasn't for that accident I suffered either. I obviously have a lot to time on my hands at the mo and I thought who better to ask for an opinion on it than your good selves as I couldn't quite work out what has happened between us.

I didn't pick up anything wrong. I merely used my own example to illustrate that friendships move on. I'll give you another. I have a 'friend'' who lives less than 400m away who I rarely see and seldom talk to. I saw more of her years ago when she lived 30 miles away and we were far closer. I only have a vague notion what is going on in her life. We are not what I would consider friends now just casual acquaintances.

You said yourself you haven't been close for 3 years. Doesn't that tell you all you need to know. Your current excuse is that he lives in another town, if he wanted to make the effort he would. I have friends who live at the other side of the country who I see more regularly than the girl who lives down the road and has to pass my house to go to town/work etc everyday.

You could move in next door to him and still never hear from him. Distance and circumstances are not the reason. Bottom line is that if he wanted to stay in contact he would.

Not all friendships are for life, some people are part of your life for a long time others for a shorter period. Some people you are friends with because you find yourselves in similar situations or have similar interests. If that situation changes the friendship may not last. There is probably no particular reason for the change in this relationship. Your friends situation changed and he moved on. Given your own situation it won't do you any favours to continually dwell on it.

CaraMay

As another poster mentioned you need to move on and meet a new circle of friends....

Cinel Moen

Thank you all for getting back to me. I really appreciate it.

My conclusion's are there is no doubt we are drifting apart. I don't think we could drift much further to be honest - he would contact at some stage.

As posters quite rightly pointed out, the quickness of how he texts could be and probably is indicative of were I stand with him.

I got different opinion's from logical to hard line-ish and I'll take them on board.

I will not be initiating any contact with him again unless it was essential.

One last question guys. He replied to the text I sent him on Wednesday the next day. A few hours later I replied to his question in the text with another question to which he has not replied as of yet. The question is, will I bother replying to him even if he asks a question in his next text? At his rate he would be quicker posting me his answers.

Thanks All!:D

CaraMay

Reply three days later and leave it at that. Op don't think this as something you did wrong... Friendships fizzle out all the time especially as people get older. It's just life and not related to you specifically

Stavro Mueller

An interesting experiment from your point of view would be to reply to the text without asking any questions in it. In other words, not giving him any reason to reply. See if he does initiate contact again...
Edit: In light of Ivytwine's comment, I just want to clarify that I'm not suggesting this as a form of game playing. It's more of a way of proving to yourself that this friendship has fizzled out. In my experience, friendships don't end with massive rows. They fade away with reduced contact.

If you have learned anything from the thread, it's that you need to broaden your own horizons. It becomes a bigger issue I think as you move into your 30s and your friends all start settling down and having kids.

ivytwine

Cinel Moen wrote: »

One last question guys. He replied to the text I sent him on Wednesday the next day. A few hours later I replied to his question in the text with another question to which he has not replied as of yet. The question is, will I bother replying to him even if he asks a question in his next text? At his rate he would be quicker posting me his answers.

Thanks All!:D

OP, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think to purposely wait before replying to a person just smacks of game playing and immaturity. Why would you feel the need to play games with Barry? You're not teenagers, he's not an errant lover, you're two guys in their thirties who just drifted apart.

Sorry to be harsh but he really is not giving you as much thought as you are him. So just try to let this go. You do really need to find more in your life. How about focussing on you and what you want and need, not on Barry?

Cinel Moen

It's 3 months since I lasted posted my problem so I thought I give a little update.

- Whilst out with Justin one night, Justin acted very unreasonable and we had a slight falling out. Barry's name came in to the argument and I told Justin, in confidence, about what Barry said about him at the Christmas do I was at last year and what one of Barry's friend's said about him. Was nothing that bad...just that he was too intense in his contact with Barry and Barry's mate said he didn't like him.

Otherwise I'm not sure if thing's have changed that much between me and Barry since last time...perhaps slightly. In fairness Barry has invited me and Justin on night's out on 3 occasion's. One of which he didn't turn up to because his GF was ill but he didn't tell us on the night. I couldn't attend the next night out, Justin did, and he only seen Barry a little while. The third occasion was last night.

It was his (Barry's) local. I was tipsy. People that Barry and his GF were with seemed to move slightly away once me and Justin came in......would that be bad manners? Anyway, Barry was a wee bit quiet..first time I seen him in maybe 5 months. Some awkward silences. Then things took a turn for the worst were twas either me or Justin brought up the lack of contact he had with us and the alleged bad manners of the group moving away when we entered.

Got taking to Barry on his own and he said Justin is stirring everything. He told me he (Justin) went back and told him what I said to him about what Barry and his mate said to me at the Christmas do which I mentioned earlier in the post :eek: Barry told me he'd call to me house and we've have a talk about it.

I got on to Justin and he admitted that he told Barry that behind my back. Initially he defended himself but in the end he kinda seemed as if he regretted it.

I haven't heard from either today...I did text Barry to apologise although I really didn't do a lot wrong. I told Justin something in confidence and he went back and told Barry but as I have a lack of friend's I can't afford to fall out with him.

rainbowtrout

Cinel Moen wrote: »

It's 3 months since I lasted posted my problem so I thought I give a little update.

- Whilst out with Justin one night, Justin acted very unreasonable and we had a slight falling out. Barry's name came in to the argument and I told Justin, in confidence, about what Barry said about him at the Christmas do I was at last year and what one of Barry's friend's said about him. Was nothing that bad...just that he was too intense in his contact with Barry and Barry's mate said he didn't like him.

Otherwise I'm not sure if thing's have changed that much between me and Barry since last time...perhaps slightly. In fairness Barry has invited me and Justin on night's out on 3 occasion's. One of which he didn't turn up to because his GF was ill but he didn't tell us on the night. I couldn't attend the next night out, Justin did, and he only seen Barry a little while. The third occasion was last night.

It was his (Barry's) local. I was tipsy. People that Barry and his GF were with seemed to move slightly away once me and Justin came in......would that be bad manners? Anyway, Barry was a wee bit quiet..first time I seen him in maybe 5 months. Some awkward silences. Then things took a turn for the worst were twas either me or Justin brought up the lack of contact he had with us and the alleged bad manners of the group moving away when we entered.

Got taking to Barry on his own and he said Justin is stirring everything. He told me he (Justin) went back and told him what I said to him about what Barry and his mate said to me at the Christmas do which I mentioned earlier in the post :eek: Barry told me he'd call to me house and we've have a talk about it.

I got on to Justin and he admitted that he told Barry that behind my back. Initially he defended himself but in the end he kinda seemed as if he regretted it.

I haven't heard from either today...I did text Barry to apologise although I really didn't do a lot wrong. I told Justin something in confidence and he went back and told Barry but as I have a lack of friend's I can't afford to fall out with him.

For guys in your late 20s you are all behaving like teenagers. I've highlighted a point you made above. You said you told Justin something in confidence, and now you're annoyed that he went and said it back to Barry. I would have assumed when Barry was discussing Justin with you, he figured he was telling you his opinion in confidence, but then of course you went and spilled the beans to Justin.

The things you said to Justin, you said to hurt him. You say that 'they weren't too bad' but one of the comments was one of these lads didn't like him. How could that be taken by anyone only negatively. Realistically, he did something that pissed you off on this night out and it sounds like you decided you'd get him back and now it's backfired on you, because he has gone back to the source of the story and you look like the bad guy because you broke Barry's confidence and you hurt Justin by saying things which were completely unnecessary.

You might need to reassess how you interact with these guys. At the moment from their point of view it would appear to them that neither can trust you as you carry stories. You still appear to have way too much invested in this Barry guy when he's not all that bothered with you.

Cinel Moen

rainbowtrout wrote: »

For guys in your late 20s you are all behaving like teenagers. I've highlighted a point you made above. You said you told Justin something in confidence, and now you're annoyed that he went and said it back to Barry. I would have assumed when Barry was discussing Justin with you, he figured he was telling you his opinion in confidence, but then of course you went and spilled the beans to Justin.

The things you said to Justin, you said to hurt him. You say that 'they weren't too bad' but one of the comments was one of these lads didn't like him. How could that be taken by anyone only negatively. Realistically, he did something that pissed you off on this night out and it sounds like you decided you'd get him back and now it's backfired on you, because he has gone back to the source of the story and you look like the bad guy because you broke Barry's confidence and you hurt Justin by saying things which were completely unnecessary.

You might need to reassess how you interact with these guys. At the moment from their point of view it would appear to them that neither can trust you as you carry stories. You still appear to have way too much invested in this Barry guy when he's not all that bothered with you.

I'm not totally sure what Barry said to me about Justin was in confindence tbh.....I think it reflect's badly in all 3 if I'm being honest. But Barry seem's to have blamed Justin for this stirring and I never ''carried'' stories to Barry about Justin. I don't think I do have way too much invested in Barry as until last night I hadn't heard from the guy in well over a month I'd say.

December2012

Is there a way that you can still be friends with this guy barry without being so intense?

rainbowtrout

Cinel Moen wrote: »

I'm not totally sure what Barry said to me about Justin was in confindence tbh.....I think it reflect's badly in all 3 if I'm being honest. But Barry seem's to have blamed Justin for this stirring and I never ''carried'' stories to Barry about Justin. I don't think I do have way too much invested in Barry as until last night I hadn't heard from the guy in well over a month I'd say.

It's an implied confidence. He said something to you about Justin probably on the assumption that you would not say it back to Justin. That is saying something to someone in confidence.

Cinel Moen

December2012 wrote: »

Is there a way that you can still be friends with this guy barry without being so intense?

Up until the night before we went out, I hadn't text him in 6 weeks. Prior to that it woulda been maybe every 2 weeks I would text him - hardly intense.

It may have sounded like it on here as the question was about me trying to salvage what was left of the friendship.

However, unless it's genuine - I've gone from wanting to keep it (the friendship goin) to not really caring. I'll just play it by ear.

CaraMay

Id just leave it now tbh. You all seem to bring out the worst in each other.

Big Bag of Chips

Cinel Moen wrote: »

Whilst out with Justin one night, Justin acted very unreasonable and we had a slight falling out. Barry's name came in to the argument and I told Justin, in confidence, about what Barry said about him at the Christmas do I was at last year and what one of Barry's friend's said about him. Was nothing that bad...just that he was too intense in his contact with Barry and Barry's mate said he didn't like him.

I don't know if you're trying to fool us or fool yourself, but what you did, whether you want to believe it or not, was shtstirring. Pure and simple.

Justin annoyed you so you told him something Barry and his friend said about him a year ago. Then you try to claim that you didn't know Barry said it to you in confidence. Really?!

This is what you said in your first post..

Barry... told me he doesn't really like Justin and told me he is really annoying. But he wouldn't tell Justin that to his face.

If you thought Barry wanted you to tell Justin, why did you not tell him over the course of the whole year? Why wait until he acted "very unreasonable" to disclose what was said? The truth of the matter is Justin annoyed you, and you wanted to get your own back. and you are still so hung up on Barry that you wanted to drag him into it too.

Was nothing that bad...just that he was too intense in his contact with Barry and Barry's mate said he didn't like him.

So if Justin told you, in confidence of course (!) that Barry said this about you - would you shrug it off as "nothing bad" or would you be a bit hurt that he and his friend had said those things about you.

Honestly, you are trying very hard to come off as the victim here. And you are anything but. You have caused your own problems. Pushing for more of a friendship with Barry than he was comfortable with - so he backed off. Telling Justin what Barry said about him a year ago. You didn't bank on Justin saying it back to Barry. It backfired and you've been caught out. And now you are all indignant that people are annoyed at you.

I think you have burned your bridges with Barry and it is time to move on. You obviously don't see yourself as having any part to play in the demise of your friendship, so I can't see you approaching Barry or Justin to apologise for your behaviour.

Let this one go. Accept that Barry is "someone you used to be great friends with", and find someone else to be friends with. Life moves on. People change, and sometimes leave the ones who haven't changed behind.

Cinel Moen

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know if you're trying to fool us or fool yourself, but what you did, whether you want to believe it or not, was shtstirring. Pure and simple.

Justin annoyed you so you told him something Barry and his friend said about him a year ago. Then you try to claim that you didn't know Barry said it to you in confidence. Really?!

This is what you said in your first post..



If you thought Barry wanted you to tell Justin, why did you not tell him over the course of the whole year? Why wait until he acted "very unreasonable" to disclose what was said? The truth of the matter is Justin annoyed you, and you wanted to get your own back. and you are still so hung up on Barry that you wanted to drag him into it too.



So if Justin told you, in confidence of course (!) that Barry said this about you - would you shrug it off as "nothing bad" or would you be a bit hurt that he and his friend had said those things about you.

Honestly, you are trying very hard to come off as the victim here. And you are anything but. You have caused your own problems. Pushing for more of a friendship with Barry than he was comfortable with - so he backed off. Telling Justin what Barry said about him a year ago. You didn't bank on Justin saying it back to Barry. It backfired and you've been caught out. And now you are all indignant that people are annoyed at you.

I think you have burned your bridges with Barry and it is time to move on. You obviously don't see yourself as having any part to play in the demise of your friendship, so I can't see you approaching Barry or Justin to apologise for your behaviour.

Let this one go. Accept that Barry is "someone you used to be great friends with", and find someone else to be friends with. Life moves on. People change, and sometimes leave the ones who haven't changed behind.

First of all yeah, I acted the c***, I accept that, however so has Justin and Barry laid the blame at his door (not that is make's it acceptable).

I clearly said earlier in the thread the lack of friend's was my own fault. I have apologised to Barry but I'm probably just gonna let it go re Barry. I don't think he wants my company so I'll leave it now.

I have acted like a teenager, so has Justin......has Barry? I dunno. I've leaned a valuble lesson. Tanks for all the feedback guys, including the people I disagreed with. Sometimes I need to hear things I dont want to to learn.

Happy Christmas!