mean girls on the street (bullying???)

very upset

well guys, I'm really upset about this. I can't sleep and I cry a lot because I can't find the way out of this...
my 4 (and a half) years old is desperate to play with the girls from the estate (living on our street). there's four girls, aged 5 to 8. we only moved in last year, they've been living there since born. in the begginning they either run from her or they laughed at her or one of them was mean even to me. my daugher was so upset that I even went to counsellor to seek an advice. I was told that the girls are playing game called let's avoid <name withheld> and as soon they're bored of it they will take her in. so we let her bringing her toys out, helped her make friends with them. over the summer time they overall played quite nicely, they actually started to knock on our door to call her out couple of times a day. <name withheld> used to spend all days in our house, however it would only be her playing with my daighter's toys, never in her house with her toys. we didn't like this but for happiness of our daughter we tolerated it.
on one occasion recently the bouncy castle was here as part of the party for the 6 year old. all kids were enjoying the castle, but when my daughter wanted to go in, <name withheld> started to shout on her that she wasn't allowed to go in. my daughter started to cry and my husband went lunatic and banned her from our house. later the other girls came to him to apologize that they never said our girl couldn't go in so she joined them and everything was fine. except that <name withheld> told her later that day that she wasn't <name withheld> friend any more.

I started to pay more attention and found out that this <name withheld> would play with <name withheld> nicely if no-one was around. but the minute the other girls showed up, she started to be mean to her. I also noticed that other girls when being without <name withheld> , they would accept <name withheld> no problem, share toys with her, play nicely etc. I'm out with them very often and I find one of them really nice, she enjoys talking to me a lot and she likes playing with my younger daughter (she's 2 years old)

any way to cut it short...when we come home in the evening, the girls are usually out playing and <name withheld> wants to join them but they would run away and she only stands there like a wet scarecrow, doesn't know what to do. last week they were talking about movie they wanted to watch when they said that <name withheld> can't go watching the movie with them. she came home crying, so I went out and give out to girls and <name withheld> decided she wanted to go back to them. however, next day <name withheld> showed up at our doors and I said to her that because she's always mean to my daughter she can't play with her any more. she burst with tears, making up stories why she said this and this. two days later, when they all were out, she said to my daughter she wasn't her friend any more. thank god, my clever girl answered back to her that she wasn't her friedn either. so I started to teach her how to be more assertive so she could fight her corner and not to let bully walk over her. my plan also is to go to different groups and try to find the friends there. but...whe she sees them outside, she always wants to go out to play with them, even if she only stands there and she realizes that they don't want to play with her. and it's heartbreaking to see her like this. today was just same, when they saw her coming they all stopped playing and they grouped together and whe she came they'd run away. she was in the middle climbing the tree on her own. then they split and when she followed <name withheld> and climbed the tree after her, <name withheld> run away from her. so I said to her let's go home and suddenly when we were leaving the girls shouted bye-bye on us. we ignored them...

so...what should I do? should we move somewhere else or I should speak to their parents or should I make my daughter more exclusive (like give her sweets and special toys so they would want to play with them???)
<name withheld>'s dad is a lovely sweet man and I know he's strict with her but he also blindly loves her I'm not sure he would believe me she acts mean, even though he was out today so he must have seen my daughter was being left out. my biggest worry is that if I don't do something then she could be bullied later in school because despite trying my hardest, she's still lacking confidence and refuses going her own way...

I was bullied or left out most of my life and my mom never helped me when I complained that the kids didn't want to play with me. It then continued until the most recent years. my confidence is very low, as a result and I suffer from depressions a lot (deeply inside, my kids are not affected). I don't want to see this happening to my daughter...

kelbal

Hiya, its tough alright, pretty heartbreaking seeing your kids being left out or picked on. I wouldn't think going out and giving out to the kids yourself does much good. I'd say your best bet is to go to the parents and ask them to keep an eye on the situation with a view to helping your daughter be properly included. I'd do it carefully though, be very nice and polite, don't outright accuse their kids of being mean. Saying something like "your daughter is being horrible" might get a door slammed in your face . But do make it clear that sometimes they all play fine, but other times your daughter is being ignored and mean things are being said, and its just happening to her. Child C seems to be the main culprit, speak to her parents first, mother too if you think the Dad mightn't realise whats going on.
I know one of the girls is just a few months older than her, but for the other girls, a 4.5 year old might be a bit young for them to consider one of their mates, so you mightn't ever get them fully accepting her in the short term unfortunately.
One last thing - you never know who's reading things on the web, your neighbors could come across this and easily figure out the situation from the list of names. I know personally I'd be furious if someone was publicly referring to my child on the web like you have. I recommend you edit your original post to "Child A" and "Child B" etc

silverharp

just be proactive, engineer things so that the other kids spend more time in your house, have a movie at the weekend or organise other activities in your house or take them out somewhere on occasion , the winter will help anyway as there will be less playing outside so you have a good opportunity to shape things over the next 6 months.
One thing there is a bit of an age gap so im not sure why you would expect a 7 or 8 year old to play with a 4 year old, will it not be better to focus on kids in her class or if she is only starting school next year then things will change anyway.

Orion

As Kelbal said you need to be careful about personal information on the internet. I've edited out all names from the OP

Queen-Mise

very upset wrote: »

my confidence is very low, as a result and I suffer from depressions a lot (deeply inside, my kids are not affected). I don't want to see this happening to my daughter...

I'll argue that your kids are affected. It is not possible to give kids what you don't have. You can't rear kids to have high self-confidence when you have low self-confidence; the same is true for esteem, respect, etc.
There is a truth to this also for physical attributes, or intelligence and skills. My son can't draw a line, but neither can my husband or I, whereas he has an aptitude for maths, that he got of me, I presume.
Don't confuse what is happening your daughter with what happened in your past. Sort out your own issues surrounding this situation.

I'd flip the situation around and look at it as a valuable teaching lesson for your daughter - teach her how to cope with bullying/being left out of games. Begin to try and teach/explain that it isn't personal, that if it was X from your class, then these girls would do the same thing.
Girls are b*tches IMO, and can be really cruel. And it is only going to get worse, I don't mean to be pessimistic, but secondary school has to come yet. So begin to lay groundwork now for the future.

I'd tackle the situation directly. Next time the girls come to the door, or one is there, then ask them: why do you play with my daughter some days or not others. The older girl that is particularly problematic, talk to her in front of her mammy/daddy - ask her to mind your daughter because she is so young, keep an eye out for her. Word it better, your now asking the child to be a childminder but they can watch for you. Appeal to her protective side.

Finally, if it doesn't get better - don't allow your daughter out, the girls can come in, but yours can't go out.

OP, I'm not a parent, so I know there's a protectiveness you're experiencing that I can't understand.

But I think you're letting your past experiences of being bullied severely cloud your judgement. These "mean" girls are not going out of their way to be horrible. They're not evil or malicious or planning new complex ways to upset your daughter. They're just trying to assert their own places in the group, and with kids, that often means someone gets stepped on while others try to reach ahead. I experienced this myself, and I know it can be very hurtful. But for every few dozen kids that said something mean to me, I'm sure I said something mean when I was in a position of social security. Your child is very young relative to the group, and with kids, age is often the basis for where you lie on the social ladder. I think you're attaching personalities/intents to these girls that just aren't there. I've never heard of a single person who has never been mean to someone else, but that doesn't make us all mean people.

Keeping her in the house, or away from them, or doing things to make a fuss of her issue will just serve to separate her from the group even more. I was never let out and it only made things more difficult for me when I had to be in school etc. At least when she's out, she's experiencing social situations and learning how to deal with things. The suggestion of moving is a bit over-reactionary to say the least. As for talking to a child's father about how you think she is "mean", imagine if in a year's time there's a new young girl in the group and a mother came to you to tell you your daughter was a mean child. By all means, speak to the parents about encouraging their kids to include your daughter, but I think you need to let go of any personal feelings about these girls.