my decision not to emigrate

LegacyUser

Sorry if this is a long one. I really appreciate you hearing my stupid problems! If I had emigrated at any point over the last few years, when many of my friends did, I'm sure I'd be working in a decent job by now, like they are. However my partner has ties here and didn't want to move so I agreed to stay (because I was only 50/50 about leaving anyway - at that stage I didn't know how bad my employment prospects would turn out to be) which he was delighted about. He started working in his line of work, we got a place together and we're happy enough day-to-day. Meanwhile I'm unemployed. There's no work for me in the area I was qualified in, and believe me I've tried everything. Literally, everything. I'm doing some things during the day to keep busy but I can't help feeling really low. I've spoken to him, and he understands how bad it must be for me, but it's difficult to put a case for him leaving his job and his family ties and moving away, when I'm not even sure at this stage would I get a job if I went away now, because I'm so long out of it. We're both in our early 30's and want children, so obviously I'm worried that if I impose this drastic step - which is a huge risk for him because he'd have to leave his job, it wouldn't work out. At the same time there are ZERO opportunities here and it makes me sad. I can't do anything and I feel unappreciated because I have a lot of energy. Obviously I used to work, but in temporary contracts that eventually dried up. I spend all day looking for and applying for jobs. I've spoken to career guidance people but they can't offer me any good advice. I keep telling myself that work isn't everything, but I feel useless. Sometimes I even feel resentful that my boyfriend can get a job and I can't, I know that sounds ridiculous. We'd agreed we wouldn't start a family until I was more 'sorted', in other words I was on the career ladder or at least had a decent job, but it never happens and I turned 33 last week! I just don't know what to do. I would like just a regular non-career job to get me out of the house but I can't get that either, because bars all want bar experience and often I think I'm just too old and uncool to get these jobs. I've gone to recruitment agencies, and I've managed to get bits and pieces of temp work, but no permanent or even semi-permanent roles ever come of it. A friend recently said I should break up with my boyfriend and leave the country. She lives abroad, is single, and has a great job, a flashy car and loads of gorgeous clothes. She dates guys who buy her things and she looks amazing. Sometimes I feel envious. But the other side is I love my boyfriend to bits, he's a wonderful man and if only I felt more happy in myself I think we'd be happy together. But I'm not, I'm mostly frustrated and scared of being dependent on him for the few measly euro we share. I'm scared I'll make a bad mother because I'm not happy with my achievements and feel I've offered nothing back to the world. My children will think I've never worked or won't respect me because I've done nothing with my life. We struggle to pay basic bills and I get so angry and bitter that I can't contribute more to the household. I keep the house spotless and cook meals just to feel useful, and my boyfriend appreciates this but says he doesn't need looking after. I'm just sad and low. But maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity. Any advice appreciated. And yes, I do talk to my boyfriend, but he can only listen so much, he doesn't know what he can do and he's doing the best he can to keep his job so that there's one wage coming in at least. He gets home from work tired and I can't keep on harassing him about the same old thing (my lack of work).

thegreatgonzo

I think you should stop looking back to the past, you made your decision not to emigrate and that's that. It might have been a complete disaster and ruined your relationship. Also I don't think you should give heed to a friend who clearly doesn't see you very often but tells you should break up from a man you love.
Can you do any courses to occupy yourself or upskill? You are only 33 which is still young enough to completely change career if you wanted. Can you do any voluntary work? All these things are good for the CV.
And honestly stop worrying about what the kids you haven't had yet might think about you, that's just a bit daft ;-)

paudgenator

OP, do you see this relationship as a long-term one? Do you plan to have children together - is this something to maybe think about doing if you cannot work in your chosen field, or as you say, get any job?

If you were to decide to move, will that be together or would that mean the end of your relationship?

If you move - will it then take time to settle, find a job, a possible future partner, have a family?

I feel if you and your partner have a strong relationship, you should be able to discuss your fears with him. Best of luck in moving forward.

jimmycrackcorm

Can you go back to college and take on a course in a new area with better prospects?

Alternatively maybe you both should consider emigrating for a year or more?

If the roles were reversed what would you do if your partner felt this way?

homerjay2005

unregistered wrote: »

A friend recently said I should break up with my boyfriend and leave the country.

first thing you need to do is stop listening to clowns like this, she is not helping and has no interest in what you really want.

all you can do is keep trying hard to get something to get out of the house, anything - even volunteer work and this will at least give you some form of self satisfaction and build from there.

as regards your career - if there isnt work there, then again could temping/project work, volunteering help to get some experience, even if it was for a few weeks/months? is there any extra or new qualifications you can get?

it will all work out, but self depressing wont help. you said you have energy...turn that positive and go for it.

LegacyUser

We make the decisions that we feel are best at the time so you can't regret that.

My mother never worked after she got married and looked after us - none of us ever think less of her for doing that and I don't look down on my friends who have done that.

Your friend is selfish at best. It's easy to tell someone to bail and to come over here for fun and men etc... that's a fairly shallow view on life. I've seen first hand how some of those women either hook up with a rich idiot or end up lonely and partied out by their late 30s.

Boredom is a terrible thing and demotivating. I'm presently looking for work and the knock backs do get on top of you. You could challenge yourself physically to ease the boredom by joining a gym and setting yourself some fitness goals. Not only do you get out of the house, you meet other people, you reach targets and it's good for your mental health.

Could you retrain to do something else? If you're on the dole you can apply for courses and get them for very little. I found myself stuck in a rut and have gone back to do a part time Masters. Friends of mine have studied in the Open University and have come out with degrees.

Alternatively, you could check the job market of a country you would like to go to. If you both got jobs you could decide to give it two years.

I wouldn't suggest starting a family just because you can't find a job. Good luck

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

We'd agreed we wouldn't start a family until I was more 'sorted', in other words I was on the career ladder or at least had a decent job, but it never happens and I turned 33 last week!

You need to discuss with him again. If you can afford it, starting a family now might not be such a bad idea.

unregistered wrote: »

A friend recently said I should break up with my boyfriend and leave the country. She lives abroad, is single, and has a great job, a flashy car and loads of gorgeous clothes. She dates guys who buy her things and she looks amazing. Sometimes I feel envious.

Don't feel envious. She probably feels envious of you and is exaggerating how good her life is. Are the guys she dates all that great? Does she have a steady boyfriend like you? Maybe she wants you to move over to keep her company because she is lonely and the men she dates don't stick around for long.

unregistered wrote: »

But the other side is I love my boyfriend to bits, he's a wonderful man and if only I felt more happy in myself I think we'd be happy together. But I'm not, I'm mostly frustrated and scared of being dependent on him for the few measly euro we share. I'm scared I'll make a bad mother because I'm not happy with my achievements and feel I've offered nothing back to the world. My children will think I've never worked or won't respect me because I've done nothing with my life. We struggle to pay basic bills and I get so angry and bitter that I can't contribute more to the household. I keep the house spotless and cook meals just to feel useful, and my boyfriend appreciates this but says he doesn't need looking after. I'm just sad and low. But maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity. Any advice appreciated. And yes, I do talk to my boyfriend, but he can only listen so much, he doesn't know what he can do and he's doing the best he can to keep his job so that there's one wage coming in at least. He gets home from work tired and I can't keep on harassing him about the same old thing (my lack of work).

If having a baby isn't an option for you why not go back to college or do a course like somebody else said? At 33 you would be best advised to start a family as soon as possible but if you can't afford it then college would be the next best thing if you can't get a job.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies. You see, yes, part of the pressure I feel under is because I know I don't, realistically, have all the time in the world to wait until my career gets off the ground before we start a family. Plus, I've already tried everything: I've gone back to college and did a masters 2 years ago and I STILL couldn't get a job, even any job! I did internships and all that and I did volunteering, which I did enjoy, but there were zero employment prospects in it. I like helping people and feeling like I'm giving back to my community but at the end of the day bills need to be paid. I just find it depressing that I won't have any money of my own and we'll have to live on my partners income which isn't very high, which is a shame because I spent years in college and I'm well capable of earning money if I was somewhere with more jobs available. I'd like to be able to treat myself or my family to something once in a while or to be able to afford nice Christmas presents. My partner and I talk and talk and talk about things but can't come up with a solution because even if we put emigration down on the table seriously, it involves him leaving his job and possibly running the risk of not finding one abroad...plus we're pretty much skint and most places require you to have money in the bank before you can get a visa. At the moment we wouldn't be able to afford the air fare, plus he has family responsibilities here in Ireland which would be difficult to remedy. So on the balance of things, despite the fact that I can't work, we seem to be better off staying put. I just look at other women with good careers and wonder, how did they do it? No employer seems to want to know no matter what job I apply for. Certainly, if nobody will employ me now they won't even look at me after a few years out of the jobs market being a stay-at-home mum!

Daisy78

Hi op

Was thinking of your situation today. Have you given any thought to starting your own business in something you have an interest in. Lots of people have started their own venture from their kitchen table and have gone on to be very successful. I read recently that jo malone started her business from her kitchen table and she left school quiet young. You could look at maybe starting an online company in something you have a talent in? Rather than wait for somebody to offer you an opportunity you would be taking matters into your own hands. Just an alternative option you could consider.

baby and crumble

Op, I'm unemployed at the moment, despite some decent qualifications that a couple of years ago would have pretty much guaranteed me a job. Now, I'm not even getting interviews for jobs I already have experience doing!!! It's crazy out there. It would be so easy to feel the same as you- my partner has a decent job, is paying most of our bills, and because I'm not working there's no way we could start a family.

But I've decided to start my own business, as the poster above has suggested. You can get lots of support from the social welfare etc. (ie keep your dole while working on your business, help with business plans, information on funding etc.). I haven't a notion about running a business, but I have an idea, enthusiasm, and a determination not to let myself and my abilities down. Even if my business fails spectacularly (which is easily could!) I've still done something. Anything you can do to keep boredom and depression at bay, and to help your sense of self worth is worth it in my opinion. You might never wake up as a millionaire from your business but you might just wake up feeling excited and proud of yourself.

Just something to think about.

December2012

Can you start your own business?

The_Conductor

Hi OP-

There is never a 'right' time to start a family. No matter what trials and tribulations you have- or whether you have a job or not- being a parent is a fulltime job- and you don't realise this until you're actually in work- and rueing the lack of time you have to spend with your little one(s).

Money is always going to be tight when you have children- unless you're a millionaire- and its probably even tighter if you're working- as you'll want the children cared for in a proper environment by competent staff who will love your children like their own. This costs money- possibly more than your net pay might come to.

Talk to your partner- if you are in a stable relationship- having children now might not be a bad idea. You'll get to spend their formative years with them- and when they go to school in 4-5 years time- the economic environment may have improved sufficiently for you to start to get your foot on the career ladder, at a pace that is conducive to family life. Its a damn sight harder to schedule family life- when you're working fulltime- than it is to deliberately organise your work around your children's lives.

Talk to your partner- its never going to be a perfect time to have children- but now doesn't necessarily seem like the worst time in the world either.