Friends Sister

LegacyUser

Thanks in advance for any comments about a problem I have

My best friends sister and I have had a serious spark together for 4 or 5 years, trouble is she has a boyfriend for a very long time, 6 or 7 years, there was a bit of flirting along time ago between us but I just put it down to her looking for attention, at the time herself and the boyfriend werent getting on great. I met her out a good few times in the last year and she has been flirty and trying to get very close to me but I always brushed it off until I met her out a few weeks ago, she was after a few drinks, few were chatting away and she started getting very close again, much closer than before and wanted me to kiss her, I told her I couldnt because she has a boyfriend and just thought she was after a few too many but she kept asking so I told her I was heading home, she looked really disappointed so I said jokingly break up with the boyfriend and well talk, straight away she says yeah no bother so things got very serious very quickly.

We move to a quite spot to chat and she told me their relationship has been dead for a long time and shes sick of it, shes just staying with him because they have been together for so long and doesnt have the courage to break up with him, she also told me she has been mad about me for years

I told her I would have to talk to her brother about it and see if hes ok with it, and that she would have to break up with her boyfriend an then we could try and have a go, she said yeah lets do it, so I said we'll talk about it soon and sort things out. thats was a few weeks ago and ive been in contact since but keep putting off meeting up with her as I dont know what I want

Ive been thinking alot about it since, tbh ive been thinking far too much about it and I now realise I have a serious thing for her that ive just been suppressing, I think that we would make a really good couple, we have always got on like a house on fire, could spend ages talking to each other and never be stuck for conversation and there is a strong attraction there

But whats holding me back at the moment is that if her brother says he is not ok with me going out with her I dont think its going to stop me ( we had a conversation a while back along those lines and he said he wouldnt go out with any of our friends sisters or exgirlfriends and thinks it would be bad form) I really dont want to upset or friendship

The other thing is that I would be breaking up a relationship, even tho she says its dead maybe her boyfriend doesnt think so, hes a nice guy and I dont want to be the fella that stole his girlfriend. Also that fact that she was willing to cheat on him doesnt put us off on a good start

Am I being selfish to be even contemplating making a go of it with her and should I just tell her it cant happen and forget all about it?

heretochat

I'm not going to offer advice as such but I can paint a picture of what might happen from experience..

I had two friends (one of whom had an older sister).. Anyway one night we were all out and the lad without the sister told the other lad that he and the sister had feelings for each other and asked for my friend's "blessing" for them to go out..

My friend said he was against the idea and that it could only damage the friendship..

Well one night he came home and found the pair of them on the couch together. The inevitable explosion occurred and he threw the other lad out.

The other lad swore he would not see the sister again but it made no difference, the damage was done.. They never spoke again and that was 15 years or so ago..

So you must think do you want to find yourself in this situation..

wirelessdude01

My best mate was with my sister for over 5years. Was a bit weird/off for a while when they broke up but really if a friendship is real he would get over it. Once he sees that you and his sister are a good fit and that your treating her correctly then he really can't say anything.

MaxWig

Hi OP,

TBH, the brother can either like it or lump it, but I wouldn't be overly worried about it. A solid friendship will easily withstand a genuine attraction between you and his sister.

The current situation with her seems complicated alright, but I would follow it up, and see what's up?

The only thing I'd be wary of is hooking up with someone coming out of a 7 year relationship. They tend to a little off balance for a while - emotions all over the shop etc. + I've been told on a few occasions to be wary of serial monogamists. I'd take that with a pinch of salt tbh, but maybe worth bearing in mind all the same

miamee

She hasn't even broken up with this guy and it seems like she is waiting for the go ahead from you before she does it. I.e. not willing to take a chance, would rather be with the wrong guy than no guy. It's not a great start. A rebound relationship or using you as a reason to break up with this guy is not a good start either. OP, I think you should give her a wide berth and leave her to sort out her current relationship status. If she breaks up with him and is still interested in you a few months down the line after she has gotten used to being without him, then see how you feel but right now it seems like a terrible idea to get together with this girl.

I don't agree with having to ask permission from her brother to go out with her, you are presumably two consenting adults. Obviously if anything were to happen, you make sure he hears it from you or her and not from anyone else, that's all.

Skuxx

I can't offer advice about her being in a relationship part, but as for dating a friends sister, I don't see a problem! I'm going out with one of my best friends sisters at the moment!
For us, he found out before we had a chance to tell him, and he thought we were intentionally keeping it from him which wasnt really the case, but I think it's important to let your friend know as soon as possible! It's not that your asking for his permission, his sister is old enough to do what she likes, but your just telling him before he hears from someone else!
My mate has gotten over it now and is quite happy for us!
If he sees you as a good enough person to call a friend I don't see why he wouldnt think your good enough to date his sister!

ManOfMystery

As above, you don't need permission. You don't have to ask her brother anything - just tell him. It's a courtesy.

His sister could end up going out with some total randomer who he doesn't know, or with you - a guy he presumably trusts and has a good opinion of, if you've been friends a long time - might be worth pointing this out to him.

hullaballoo

I have to disagree with some of the above, just in relation to consulting her brother first. It's not permission or approval you need. You need to know whether the relationship with his sister could end your friendship. Depending on the friendship, you might not be prepared to take the risk.

I know certain people feel very strongly about the issue of friends being with siblings so I wouldn't brush that issue aside.

I have to agree with others that alarm bells would be ringing with me if she has been prepared to live through a dead relationship for what seems to be a long time. I won't speculate as to her reasons but I think you should question that as someone who knows her and wants to be in a relationship with her. What happens if your relationship dies and she doesn't tell you until she has the next person lined up?

Defiler Of The Coffin

advice please wrote: »

The other thing is that I would be breaking up a relationship, even tho she says its dead maybe her boyfriend doesnt think so, hes a nice guy and I dont want to be the fella that stole his girlfriend. Also that fact that she was willing to cheat on him doesnt put us off on a good start

If what she is saying is true than it's not really you breaking up the relationship, it's been dead in the water for a while anyway, maybe you were just the impetus she needed to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. You should still take things very slowly at the start, if what she says is true and that she's had a thing for you all these years then a few months won't make a huge difference, you'll be more confident about the prospects going in. Perhaps the fact that she was willing to cheat on him is something to worry about, maybe not. Every relationship is different.

advice please wrote: »

Am I being selfish to be even contemplating making a go of it with her and should I just tell her it cant happen and forget all about it?

If she keeps her word and breaks it off with the current bf cleanly and you have a good feeling about things then you should go for it, nothing ventured nothing gained. Could well be one you regret for years to come otherwise. The fact that she's your best mate's sister shouldn't really make a huge difference as long as you handle it sensitively. Ultimately you yourself will the have best perspective on how to proceed, go with your gut!

Czarcasm

advice please wrote: »

The other thing is that I would be breaking up a relationship, even tho she says its dead maybe her boyfriend doesnt think so, hes a nice guy and I dont want to be the fella that stole his girlfriend. Also that fact that she was willing to cheat on him doesnt put us off on a good start

You're judging her negatively before you've even got with her for a start anyway, which is planting seeds of insecurity that'll only fester if you got together.

Have you thought OP that the fact ye've gotten on great for the last couple of years could be the reason things have never worked in her current relationship - her current boyfriend provided security, while you provided the attention and excitement of that which she told herself she could never have. There's every possibility that if you got together, the whole chemistry you have right now could fizzle out very quickly, once people accepted that you were together. That whole fantasy you've both built up in your heads could come to nothing after all the fighting for it is done.

For sure it wouldn't bother me if my best mate had a problem with me dating his sister, that'd be his problem, but for you it seems it would be an issue, and I understand that you're bothered by the fact you don't want to be the guy that took her from her ex either. Her ex isn't just going to say "Oh, ok so" after seven years together either, he's going to cause all sorts of problems in your relationship too.

When it's all said and done OP, I don't think even you yourself want to be with this girl- you like the idea of being with her, but your post screams that you know the reality would be very different from the fantasy. You'd be best to advise her for her own sake to break up with her boyfriend if that's what she wants to do, but you're not going to be her fallback guy.

Heckler

Sounds to me like you're a decent guy taking everyones feelings into account before you do anything.

I never get this going out with "my best friends sister" taboo. If I'm best friends with a guy it's because i know he's not an asshole and can be trusted. I'm a lone male with 3 sisters (all married now ) but if one of them wanted to go out with my best friend I'd be more than happy knowing they were in good hands.

As for the rebound thing, don't worry too much. If you think its right go for it. Trust me on this.

beks101

Ugh God, all I'm seeing from your post is just alarm bells all over the shop.

1. It's likely getting with this girl could threaten or kill your friendship with her brother, and that's something you're willing to accept. This presents all kinds of inconceivably awkward social situations down the line & very real family friction at get-togethers, family dinners, and other family events.

I'm not usually one for dating "rules" but there's a reason why there's a "Bro code" for these kind of things

2. Can you spell REBOUND. This girl is displaying all the signs, throwing herself at you, rushing in without allowing herself any time to be on her own, lining up a new man before she ends things with her current one to "soften the blow".

I recently dated a guy who was literally days out of an 8 year relationship and he exhibited all of the same behaviours. Chased chased chased, rushed in, couldn't see enough of me & wanted to define our status before I had time to even catch my breath. Bitched endlessly about his previous relationship, how she wasn't "right" for him yada yada, only to peg it a few weeks later because his "head was wrecked"

The last thing this girl needs is a new relationship right now. She needs to get her **** together & take responsibility for her current relationship - if she breaks up with him it needs to be for the right reasons - not because there's an exciting new relationship waiting in the wings.

Which leads to my third point...

3. Your reputation. Make no mistake about it, hook up with this girl against your friend's wishes and when she's literally 1.5 seconds out of a long term relationship and people WILL talk. And possibly take sides. 6 /7 years is a long time to be with someone, there will obviously be a lot of family & friend loyalty towards her ex. Add to that the ( potential) unhappiness of her brother...you stand to isolate yourself a lot and create a lot of tension.

Ultimately the heart wants what the heart wants.

But having been in a few similarly awkward dating set ups, I've learned that sometimes you have to exercise a bit of logical thought and figure out if the cost benefit actually outweighs the potential relationship and do a bit of forward thinking into the fallout.

What do you actually know about this girl that makes her worth all this, except for the fact that you have a very definite "spark"? I've been overwhelmingly physically attracted to lots of guys who were absolutely wrong for me, disrespectful, incompatible and ultimately a destructive choice of partner for me - that spark isn't necessarily the best basis for a relationship at ALL. Does the fact that she's throwing herself at you while still in a long-term relationship not set off alarm bells?