How many...

LegacyUser

Guess I'll keep this as short as I can:

Been seeing someone for a good few months now, best relationship i've ever had. The problem is pretty simple really. I've had a lot more sexual experience than the person I'm seeing and it's only a matter of time before the number of sexual partners question rears it's ugly head. I suffered with depression on and off since my teens (30 now) and used to use casual sex as a means of coping with my feelings I guess. My number of partners isn't massive by any means (12 people) but lets just say it is a lot more people than my partner has been with. I really regret the number of people I've slept with and feel a massive amount of guilt about it. I just don't know how to face the dreaded 'how many' question when it envitably comes up (it's been hinted at a lot lately) It'd break my heart to have to lie about it, I've never had anything like the connection I have with the person i'm currently seeing, it's completely changed what sex means to me. My past encounters just seem so cheap and shallow now in comparrison, It upsets me to think that I saw sex as such a casual throwaway thing. I'm terrified of telling them the truth, as I know they see sex as something really special. I just don't know how to handle the question when it comes up? any advice really appreciated

bp

Ah now don't be worrying - 12 is one a year since you were 18 so in the grand scheme of things it is relatively low. As long as it was safe and you have STI checks done frankly it is no one else's business but I don't see that as been a suitable response!

Explain that you have had on average one a year since you finished school and that makes the number seem a lot smaller!

Czarcasm

If the connection is as strong as you say it is OP, the number of people you slept with before isn't going to matter. The fact is you're with this person right now and your past is just that. You shouldn't be burdening yourself with guilt over this, the whole "number" thing is honestly for teenagers, not something that should even cross the mind of a 30 year old unless they're incredibly insecure.

12 really isn't a large number. If your fella thinks less of you because of that, then that would be a bit silly.

HalloweenJack

Who says you have to tell her?

I've been with my GF six months now and I haven't told her my number nor me hers and I don't plan on doing it. I've simply said to her that her past has nothing to do with me.

That said, I'd echo what the other posters have said also and add that if you feel you have such a strong connection with her, now's not the time to start lying to her, especially about something which seems to be affecting you a lot.

Merkin

Why on earth do you have to disclose anything? While I'm all for honesty some things are on a strictly need to know basis. I've been on Boards ten years now and the amount of threads on PI bemoaning the loss of a good relationship after THE CHAT is a stark reminder to keep business like that to yourself. It's in the past, this relationship is present and your future.Be vague and say the number is irrelevant and that it's not many and then drop the subject.If you don't you're asking for trouble, trust me.

ibarelycare

I agree with Merkin. The "numbers" chat isn't an inevitable part of every relationship. I've been with my boyfriend 2.5 years and I've never told him my number. In fact, he volunteered his number to me once, but that didn't mean that I was obliged to tell him mine, and he never pushed for it.

If your partner asks you, just tell them your number doesn't matter, and that you're happy being with them, and that's what matters. If they pushes, be firm and say that it's something you don't discuss with anyone, and it will stay that way.

It's actually a little worrying how much you're beating yourself up over 12 women, which isn't a large number at all for a 30 year old. You shouldn't be feeling shame or regret over fulfilling your natural urges.

heretochat

I have never in any relationship I have had, had to disclose the numbers of sexual partners I have had, nor have I ever asked a partner the same information.

Once in a committed relationship, what is in the past remains in the past as far as I am concerned..

And I would also agree that 12 is not a huge number at your age..

Merkin

heretochat wrote: »

I have never in any relationship I have had, had to disclose the numbers of sexual partners I have had, nor have I ever asked a partner the same information.

Neither have I. I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me either, I don't want to know and he doesn't either. I don't really know what is to be gained from such a disclosure.

heretochat

Merkin wrote: »

Neither have I. I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me either, I don't want to know and he doesn't either. I don't really know what is to be gained from such a disclosure.

In my opinion it wouldn't add anything to a relationship so why bother even bringing it up..

Frank Black

I've been married to my wife nearly 10 years and we've been a couple for over 15yrs.
I've no idea how many people she slept with before she met me, and I really couldn't care - all that matters is she's with me now.
I've never been asked by her or told her how many people I slept with before I met her.
If indeed "it's only a matter of time before the number of sexual partners question rears it's ugly head" - well, then I'm still waiting.

LegacyUser

Well 1st thing to do really is for yourself to come to terms with it.look at the positives of these experiences rather than any negetives as focusing on negetives could end up hurting your current relationship.

As for the question "of past experiences "" I hate the expression of my past is MY past, if it comes up be open and honest as possible.i think we should all be comfortable enough to talk about these things.At least if you are honest it wont eat away at you,he might respect you more for the truth and ye as a couple can move on and experience new activities

seosamh1980

My boyfriend has slept with about 4 or 5 times as many people as I have, it doesn't bother me at all. Everyone had a life and relationships (be they one night or one year) before they meet long term partners, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not an inevitable conversation at all, but if it does happen (and it's not a chat I mind, I'm always intrigued!) it's just facts and numbers and a small, small insight into the person's life experience.

The Corinthian

whattosay? wrote: »

Been seeing someone for a good few months now, best relationship i've ever had. The problem is pretty simple really. I've had a lot more sexual experience than the person I'm seeing and it's only a matter of time before the number of sexual partners question rears it's ugly head. I suffered with depression on and off since my teens (30 now) and used to use casual sex as a means of coping with my feelings I guess. My number of partners isn't massive by any means (12 people) but lets just say it is a lot more people than my partner has been with. I really regret the number of people I've slept with and feel a massive amount of guilt about it.

Life is full of regret, where it comes to the choices we make. Personally, I regret not doing my military service, but at the time I could get out of it and having just graduated from a boarding school, kind of felt I'd done enough sleeping in a dorm/barracks.

Your BF could regret his lack of sexual experience when compared to yours and you do hear such sentiments, typically in the form of mid-life crisis speeches from men who settled down early and feel they missed out.

But honestly, there's nothing you can do about it - it's his problem, his regret, not yours. He made his choices, and chances are had he made others, he'd probably end up regretting them too, just as you seem to regret do yours.

Be honest with him, and let the cards fall as they may. While you fear it may affect him, I get the feeling from your description that this is a worst case scenario and that in reality it won't be so bad.

hullaballoo

Just don't answer the question. It came up early on in my relationship and our responses were both, "do you really want to know?" Why would anyone want to know the answer to that question?

Questions about past relationships are pretty much no go for me, unless the information is offered. Even then, I have to say I would have been just as happy not knowing.

Kashkai

Oh for gods sake, why do people insist on disclosing all about their past sexual history? Is it pure bragging by insecure people? If you meet someone, then the clock starts ticking on the new relationship from then. Who you were with previously and what you did with them should not enter the new relationship.

Maybe I'm just a different generation (mid 40's), but in my day (oh Christ, never thought I'd say that), talking about ex's was not the done thing. Why are some people so fixated on talking about who had the more sexual partners and tried out more sexual positions?

To sum up, you meet someone new, then the only sex talk that matters is what happens between you. No one else and I mean ex's should enter the discussion.

iusedtoknow

Am in the camp of non-disclosure.

I know that my wife was pretty damn experienced sexually, I also get the impression more so than me. Have met a couple of her ex's and i don't think they were sat around reading the bible their time going out.

I don't care, and she doesn't care about my past either. While experience does account for something, sex is different with different people, what is important is the sexual history you build up with your partner - nothing more.

beks101

Jesus OP, I thought you were going to say you've had a couple of hundred partners, not 12! I would imagine 12 is pretty close to average, maybe even a conservative number by some standards these days.

But more to the point - simply exercise a bit of assertion and tell your OP you're not going to have that conversation because A. it's wholly irrelevant to your own personal relationship and B. it leads to nothing but head fcuk. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I personally find it a bit immature and crass to be asked how many people I've slept with, and any time it cropped up with a guy I was dating, I shrugged it off with a simple, don't know, don't care, I've never counted and it's not important. I suggest you do the same.

Frank Black

I did have a previous girlfriend who was very much into wanting to know exact details of how many previous partners, who they were, where we did it, what we did - everything.
Of course she wanted to tell me all about her previous experience too.

I found it a bit strange tbh.
I can see why someone would want to know about any previous long term relationships you had, but exact details on every drunken fumble from a ons? - I really don't know what the point is.

ShaShaBear

That's a very conservative number. I lost my virginity at 18, am about to turn 26 and I have had 15 sexual partners (I'm female) and have never suffered from depression or any sort of clinging to sex to sort out mental issues. I am in no way ashamed of my "number" and I don't even know my partner's. It did come up one time in a roundabout way, and he honestly told me he actually doesn't even know what it is. I'm happy with that, he's 3 years older, had a car and a job from a young age and went out almost every weekend, while I was more into serious relationships and was dating each one of my 15 bar 3 of them!

Unless you have any STIs or secret children, the number should be irrelevant. You could have slept with the same person for the past 12 years before you met your current partner, and with a very active sex life have way more experience than them.

Goldenlady

OP, I totally agree with everyone else. You don't have to disclose any numbers. My Ex told me, as he had been divorced when I met him so I knew he had only been with his wife before me. I never disclosed my "number" in the 8 years we were together, I told him I wasn't an angel but its my past and its best left there. Im seeing someone now and I will certainly not be telling him either, simple as that. Its my business and it shouldn't affect the relationship.
Good luck x

fungun

Bit of a counter point here i guess - some relationships work on 'full disclosure', and people like knowing *everything*. There is nothing wrong with this, just some people prefer not to talk about the past.

If you are the kind of person who wants your partner to know everything and vice versa, then by all means do so. With a number like 12 Id honestly feel under no pressure to lie. As a previous poster said, I was genuinely expecting a number 5-10 times that when your post said you were worried about it.