After some difficult times, I need a win

zenbuffy

Do you ever just feel like, sometimes, you need something to go right, first time, with no issues? That if ever something amazing was going to happen to you, like winning an amazing prize, or having something wonderful done for for you, that you could really do with it happening right about now?

Right now, I'm feeling so tired, and like I've been through so much, that I need a win.

In the last 2-3 years:

• My uncle, who had several disabilities, passed away at just 37 years old.
• I had two abdominal surgeries, one completely unnecessary IMO, which knocked me out of all training for weeks, causing me to put on weight and lose fitness and self-confidence.
• My mother and brother were involved in a car accident - an uninsured driver broke a red light and drove straight into their car. He had no tax, no NCT, and over 20 previous traffic convictions. He served a grand total of 1 day in jail for totalling mum's car, traumatising my little brother, and injuring my mother who still requires periodic physio on her shoulder as a result. We had to go through court to claim damages from the uninsured drivers fund, and even then, not everything was covered. The guy is still out there driving, I saw an article the other day about how he was banned from driving because he had been caught driving while banned from driving.
• My dad was diagnosed with cancer, and received treatment. It was a difficult time for my family, but he pulled through. The day after he was given the all-clear, his car was set on fire in our driveway, inches from our front door. We woke up in the middle of the night to a roaring fireball in front of our house, blocking our exit. The windows in the house cracked from the heat, the porch melted, etc. It was terrifying, we were scared to sleep for so long afterwards, I can't even describe the fear, the heat, the smell.
• After just 5 months, my dad's cancer came back, and though we tried all the treatments available, he died in April last year. They told us on Wednesday afternoon that they couldn't cure the cancer, but that they'd cure the pneumonia and get him home. We thought we had a few months. On Thursday night, he took a turn, and we were called in on Friday morning. At that point, we thought we had a few days maybe, but he died about 1.5 hours after we arrived into the hospital. He had turned 56 just 6 days before he died.
• 4 months after dad died, another uncle died suddenly too. Back into the black funeral clothes, and because he looked like my dad, it was all the more painful.
• In May of this year, the house that I saved for, bought myself, and poured my heart and soul (and savings) into decorating was destroyed when my dishwasher caught fire. Everything was extensively damaged, the smoke and heat ruined everything. All my clothes are gone, nothing fabric could be saved. The charm, sewn by my great aunt, which was with my mum her whole life, before being passed to me, is destroyed. My black belt certificate, destroyed. So many memories destroyed, and all the hard work I had done myself was rendered to charred, blackened, nothingness.

At this stage, I'm still not back in my house, and dealing with the insurance claim in the aftermath of the fire has been heartbreaking, and so stressful that it's caused me almost constant migraines, and to suffer from anxiety attacks.

I feel like my family and I just can't catch a break, and if you think this all sounds like some crazy, exaggerated soap-opera style plot, I can promise you that it's all true (though I wish it wasn't). I have often said that I don't believe in luck, but it sure does seem to believe in me (at least the bad kind anyway).

I suppose that, lately, I've just been feeling so tired of having to "cope" all the time, and envious of people whose largest problems are things like traffic, or not being sure what to wear. And mostly, I just feel like I need a win somewhere; like shouting at the universe "come on, just let something nice happen, please, please, please".

Is there anyone else out there just struggling to keep their head above the water, wishing that something lovely would come along to buoy them on? How do you motivate yourself to keep on going when it seems that you've had more than your fair share of stumbling blocks, and then some?

I have been trying to focus on the positive things in my life, and I've seen the idea of keeping a gratitude journal (which I haven't implemented yet, but am trying to think of at least one thing to be thankful for each day). I'm trying to think of how nice my house will be when it is eventually fixed, and how I will be able to put nice touches on it to make it personal. I'm trying to remember how dad's sudden death was a blessing for him, as he had often stated that he wouldn't have wanted to hang around, and that he hoped that he wouldn't have to linger on with the cancer. But sometimes, it's very, very hard.

Should I just organise my own "win"? See if I can score myself a good deal on a treat somewhere, a nice massage, a new book, etc? What do you do to cheer yourself up, or to escape from the pressures of real life for a spell?

Sorry if this is all a bit jumbled, but I'm feeling a bit jumbled today myself

ABajaninCork

I'm so very sorry to read your post, ZenBuffy. I kinda of know how you feel, as we've been through (and still going through) some very tough times over the past four years.

If you're able to, why not treat yourself to something nice? A day at the spa with every treatment known to man; or buy a new book/dress/top; a duvet day eating lots of chocolate and watching soppy DVD's. The possibilities are endless.

Mind you - I've cheered myself up eating so much chocolate, I've put on quite a bit of weight, but that's another story!

Chin up. I hope things get better very soon.

Tranceypoo

Your post made me so sad, sometimes it's impossible to see the positive in things, the least you can do for yourself is treat yourself to something nice, whatever works for you. I'm struggling with some issues at the moment, it's hard, some days I find it's better if I just don't think past what I'm having for lunch and when I go to bed I go to my 'happy place' in my head, a beach or a swanky London flat, whatever mood I'm in, it works for me.

I hope things get better for you OP, focussing on positive things like getting your house sorted is a really good thing to do, I also used to keep the journal but I found I was thankful for the same things most days, but I guess there's nothing wrong with emphasising the good things in your life!

zenbuffy

Thanks for the replies. I'm not in a position to do something nice for myself this month, the finances just won't allow it, but maybe I'll try to save and treat myself in October or November, or see if I can find some nice ways to treat myself which are either inexpensive, or free.

Yesterday, it was very difficult to find something to be thankful or grateful for, and today feels like another grey day, as I'm feeling a bit unwell too, so I'll just have to try my best to get through it.

It just sometimes feels like I'm never going to get back into my house (I've already been delayed by a month), and like these bad times will never end. I know that they've got to, at some point, but some days, it's very hard to see that point

December2012

Hi op, what a tough time.

I just wanted to throw in my support, I've not much to add but I really try to do cheap things - like I make a list of 10 things I'm grateful for - even if its something like "got to the car before the rain started", or something small like that.

I have found that I end up feeling really grateful and noticing all of the positives there are in my life - big and small.

Also, watch loads of comedies!

zenbuffy

I managed to find Hot Fuzz on the tv last night, and that, along with a tumblr page that someone linked, made me smile and laugh a lot. All of my dvds (and my apple tv) are still with the specialist cleaning company after the fire, so although there's lots of things I'd love to watch, I don't have access to them right now unless they're available on netflix (or easy to source elsewhere). Same with my books, unfortunately - thankfully I have a lot of them on my kindle, so I have that to keep me going at least!

I'm afraid to get my hopes up for my house, and my return date, because they've been dashed before. I should have been in by the end of August, but the insurance company's loss adjuster delayed things terribly by quibbling over every damn thing, so everything got pushed back, and they delayed with payment. I thought my kitchen would be finished, but when I went home yesterday evening, already feeling a bit sad, I discovered that it still wasn't finished, and then I was just so upset that I cried. It seems like such a small thing, but essentially, everything is hanging on the kitchen being finished, nothing else can happen until it is, and the last thing I needed to see yesterday was the kitchen, still unfinished. I had been so hopeful, and that made it sting all the more. Now I'm afraid to hope for the end of September as a "going home" date, in case it doesn't happen, because I just can't take another disappointment.

dipdip

My heart goes out to you. I have had those times. A year or two where the hits just keep coming.

The things that kept me going:

1. Spending time with really good friends
2. Loads and loads of self-care and being gentle on myself
3. Focusing on the things I am thankful for
4. Surrounding myself in natural beauty - a walk by the sea is completely free and can do the soul good
5. Being practical and organised

Not rocket science, but all helps to get you through.

LegacyUser

OP, it sounds like you've had a terrible run of it; when it rains it pours as they say. I once heard something which might sound harsh at first, but actually helped me when I was going through something similar: 'If you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness, then you're going to be disappointed.' In other words, the universe is a random place that doesn't care how awful you've had it. Shlt things happen to good people. Bad guys often get the break. I wouldn't wait around for your life to be furnished with some good luck. You have to devise your own happiness and I find, hard though might be to put into practice, it's not your circumstances that affect you but how you choose to react to them.

That said, grief in particular is a painful and difficult process for everybody, so maybe if you're feeling weighed down you could talk to somebody? And who knows what the future holds? A win might well be on its way. Best of luck.

zenbuffy

Thanks rillrill. In terms of coping or dealing with all of the stuff that's happened, I actually think I've reacted as well as one possibly could. Friends of mine have commented that I have coped far better than they thought I would have. Though I've had deeply sad days, I've tried hard not to dwell on them, and let them get me down.

I have suffered from depression in the past, and despite all that has happened in the last 2 years, I have not needed to go back to therapy or medication, so I guess I see that as a marker of reacting as well as I possibly can. I think that, some days, I just read a story about something amazing happening to someone, or hear it on the radio, or whatever, and I find myself feeling a twinge of jealousy.

I'm trying hard to keep my life on a good path. I have bought my own house, I will soon be finish up my MSc (which I've continued on in, despite everything), and I've taken up a new hobby to try to help me meet some new people, maybe expand my circle of friends, and also regain some lost fitness. I'll keep trying to get on, and just hope that at some future point, I don't have to try, because it'll just be a way of life.

Thargor

OP can you not sue the dishwasher manufacturer in this case? Try a no-win no-fee solicitor if moneys tight.

zenbuffy

I'm not sure about discussing it, but the insurance company may be pursuing a case against the dishwasher company, in which I can also submit my own expenses and claims, so I don't think I need to pursue my own case. It all depends on whether the dishwasher was faulty, and whether the dishwasher company are found liable, and then on whether they just settle, or decide to contest everything (possibly ending up in a court thing). Either way, I don't see that being settled any time soon.

zenbuffy

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