Jealousy destroying my marriage

Jealous

Hi ,

I could do with some advice here as I cannot shake something from my mind which has started to affect my marriage and personal life.
Basically, I’m a man in his late 30’s, with my wife for over 10 years and married the last few of them. I have two wonderful children with her, both under 5 and I also have another child from a previous relationship before I knew my wife
These are the only two women I have ever slept with and this is the reason I feel abnormal / pathetic / a failure compared to other people who have had more sexual partners and I have always felt my confidence and self-esteem has been permanently affected because of it.
Most people I know – friends, family, whoever, have had more partners than me and I am envious of every one of them. I get set off again by any form of casual sex on tv or in a movie, not because I’m disgusted by it but because I wish I had a memory like this to fall back on, not for sexual gratification but just to be able to tell myself I was normal / good lucking / likeable enough for a girl to want to be intimate with me for a little while, have some fun and then both of us walk away friends with no hassle. Instead I have memories of one bad relationship (Which did result in my first child so I cannot regret it) that I block from my mind.

This has been a problem for me in the back of my mind all through my relationship with my wife but recently began to consume me. I have become really jealous of her previous relationships. She had one previous boyfriend who she was sexually active with at a young age, after him she had a one night stand with a guy she knew growing up and had another incident with a guy I know, where she basically gave him hand relief for a while, she says she doesn’t know if he came or not and he did nothing to her in return (I almost think this is worse because she was willing to pleasure him for nothing in return)
While out with one of her old friends, a story came up about her old boyfriend – basically they met a girl who it turned out had gone out with the same guy and they had a laugh comparing notes about where this guy had sex with them. I didn’t react to it at the time, and to be honest only subconsciously thought about it, as in my head I felt I was used to knowing about her sexual past, but obviously I wasn’t. A week or so later, we were having a conversation about someone and a girl I had once snogged came up. I admit that I exaggerated how intimate I was with this girl, no full sex but a sexual act. She then told me about the guy I know who she gave hand relief to.

Since then I have become consumed by thoughts of all three previous guys, really vivid images and convincing myself she enjoyed their company more than me, based on the evidence that we snogged a few times with no sexual interaction and actually only started having sex after we talked about “officially going out”.
I have brought it up now a few times every few days and she has left the house once to go to her mother’s with the kids and I am on my last chance in that regard. I have had several nights with no sleep and on one night, I used the information I knew about her ex and the one night stand guy to look them up on Facebook. Putting faces to their names obviously made things a lot worse for me, especially seeing that the one night stand guy was clearly a lot better looking and confident than me. I then spoke to her about this and made things even worse, implying that she was shallow to have slept with him because of his looks.
Also, she used my pc to go on facebook and stayed logged in, so when i went on it and seen she was still logged in, I typed in their names into her search field, they all came up at the top so I’m paranoid she was looking them up and thinking about what she did with them.
I know how much I am hurting her but I am finding it so hard to wash away the thoughts and tell myself that it doesn’t matter that I had so few sexual partners.
I have always had problems with self-esteem and paranoia too. I took drugs for social confidence for many years and I know all of this is now the result. I have recently been to my GP who prescribed me something and I am awaiting an appointment to at my local mental health centre.
I don’t expect anyone to comment on this as I know I need professional advice regarding medication / CBT but as regards relationships, and the fact that I feel I’ve always missed out on some sort of fulfilment by never having nsa sex, can anyone advise if they’ve ever experienced anything similar?

I know what an immature, selfish pr*ck I sound like in all this, but I really do what to get over this and have a long, happy marriage, any comments would be appreciated

Thanks

BraziliaNZ

So what she gave someone a hand job and slept with 2 or 3 blokes and she's in her late 30s? If you were to split up with her, who the hell could you go out with that would have that little experience?

Jealous

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

So what she gave someone a hand job and slept with 2 or 3 blokes and she's in her late 30s? If you were to split up with her, who the hell could you go out with that would have that little experience?

Hi,

She is in her early 30's, and her previous experience was by the time she was 18. I have not even thought of splitting up with her, let alone going virgin hunting after that, that is not what I want. I'm just looking for other people's take on this as I obviously have not been able to talk to anyone else about it. My issue, childish and all as I now it sounds, is that her little experience is still greater than mine

Thanks for the comment

heretochat

I think someone needs to be very blunt here - I personally think you need to cop on to yourself before you lose your wife and children over something as childish and insecure as this.

She is your wife and mother to your kids, I think she deserves a lot more than your petulance and trawling through her past sexual history.

miamee

OP, you are incredibly consumed by this jealousy that your wife has had more experience than you. But from what you have said, the most experience she has had was with you. You are together for 10 years when these other lads only lasted what? A few days? A few weeks?

She chose you. Out of all the men she has ever been with, she chose to spend her life with you and have children with you. That is very special and there are many men and women who would give their right arm to meet someone and be able to say the same thing.

Obviously you know that this is your issue and not hers at all as you are seeking help. Can you concentrate on making new memories, exploring fantasies with her, trying new things sexually instead of fixating on the past? The past can't be changed but the future of your marriage is a clean slate.

njs030

Fair enough she had sex with more people than you.
You had a child with someone else first, how would you feel if she suddenly started questioning you about it? Having a child with someone is a lifelong link-a couple of sexual experiences is not.

What your wife did previous to your relationship is really none of your business and I suggest you try to focus on the relationship you have with each other. There must be many many things you have done as a couple that no one else has done with either of you.

Obviously she liked you and felt fulfilled with you more than anyone else.
Please get over it op before you regret it. Best of luck

tinkerbell

Jealous wrote: »

Hi ,

Since then I have become consumed by thoughts of all three previous guys, really vivid images and convincing myself she enjoyed their company more than me, based on the evidence that we snogged a few times with no sexual interaction and actually only started having sex after we talked about “officially going out”.

I have brought it up now a few times every few days and she has left the house once to go to her mother’s with the kids and I am on my last chance in that regard. I have had several nights with no sleep and on one night, I used the information I knew about her ex and the one night stand guy to look them up on Facebook. Putting faces to their names obviously made things a lot worse for me, especially seeing that the one night stand guy was clearly a lot better looking and confident than me. I then spoke to her about this and made things even worse, implying that she was shallow to have slept with him because of his looks.

Oh dear .... OP, to be blunt you need to cop onto yourself. What exactly have you "brought up over the last few days"? Her past sexual experiences? She had these experiences before she met you. You say you don't want to lose her yet you are going to. She told you you're on your last chance and if she said that, you've obviously been hounding her about this "issue". Yet you still look them up on facebook.

The fact of the matter is she married YOU and had kids with YOU. You getting hung up over her past is going to destroy everything for you. This all happened more than a decade ago, move on.

And OP, just to echo what someone else said. You have no reason to be on some moral high ground here. You also have a past, one that involves a child and will forever have that past in your future (and rightly so, it's a child!) Your wife had a couple of sexual experiences and they are in the past, not forever to be in the future. The only one dragging them into the future is YOU, not her. I mean your wife could just come along one day and start questioning your sex life with your ex, comparing herself to your ex, it's the same bloody thing. I'm assuming your wife is ok with you having another child and she is step-mother to this child because she agreed to marry you. How about you start showing your wife the same respect she shows you?

Jealous

Hi all

I really do appreciate all comments and know I deserve the bluntness. I really just want to rid myself of these thoughts and move on. I adore my wife and know how much she gave up for me and my first child. She is a brilliant mother and a lovely person in general.
No one has said anything I didn’t really not know already but it is good to get opinions on it anyway as I am still waiting to speak to a professional (About this and my issues in general which started long before I met my wife).
To clarify, this all started about a month ago and the last time we spoke about it was a week ago, when I promised I would not bring it up again and I am really aiming to keep to that promise, I know how much I hurt her and I’m not going to risk losing her. That’s why I just really needed to get it all down in writing and get other’s people’s opinions and to hopefully hear I’m not the only one who has felt like this, and not to make me feel it was ok.
It was upsetting to write it and see what a freaky gobsh*te I am, but I thank you all, honestly

Big Bag of Chips

She had 1 one night stand more than you had. It's hardly "worldly" experience.

I think you think you missed out on some essential part of growing up... You didn't.
I suppose because you never had it, it seems like everyone else did do it. You might be surprised to find out how few past conquests some people have had.

It doesn't make you less attractive.

A think having a child with someone is a much bigger deal than having a one night stand or a brief fumble to he honest.

I think you are right to seek counselling over this. It is obviously something that really bothers you. You need to realise that it's not that big a deal, it's not even all that unusual, and it's definitely not something great that you missed out on.

desbrook

OP - this did not all start about a month ago ! It started many years ago when you "took drugs for self confidence " . By your own admission you were left with feelings of paranoia and such like . You said it yourself - "all of this is now the result " .

This thing over your wife's sexual past is just part of a broader picture surely . I'm sure if it wasn't that it would be something else . At least you recognise it's you who have the problem , that's a start . Hopefully the prescription will help .

Merkin

Two pieces of advice from me. You seriously need to get a grip, and quickly. This is obviously a very contentious issue and you have undeservedly been giving your wife a very hard time over something totally incidental. She herself has very little sexual experience and yet you’re painting her as some kind of scarlet woman because of a handjob? Seriously? You had a child before you met her and she was willing to take your child on also because she loved you enough to do so. You need to drop this issue immediately or you are going to lose her. And rightly so if you continue on like this.

Secondly, you need to expedite psychiatric treatment as a matter of priority. You are clearly demonstrating obsessive and paranoid thought processes so please go back to the GP who made the initial referral and tell how badly things have deteriorated. I’d urge you to do this for you and the sake of your wife as a matter of urgency.

Scortho

Op look at it this way. She chose you over all the other guys in her past. If she really preferred one of them over you, do you think shed have gone out with you, married you and had kids with you?
Nope she wouldn't have.
She chose you.
There's lots of guys your age, who've had one many night stands but never had a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months who'd much rather be in your position.
Even guys my own age (21) are jealous of the fact that I've been with my girlfriend for the last 3 years. Yeah sometimes I might be jealous when they go off and pull this stunner and bring her home on a random night out but at the same time they've no one to go off and have fun with whenever they want.

Virgil°

I think some posters are being a little harsh on the OP being honest. He came in here hat in hand asking how best to resolve his issue.

If someone asks you "How do i cop myself on?", a valid response is not "COP ON!". He knows his behaviour is not acceptable, wheres the use in rubbing salt?


Although i will echo OP what some others have said OP. You need to prioritise getting yourself through therapy. CBT could be especially useful here if that isn't already what you're doing OP, as it specialises in dealing with behaviours that you don't feel you have full control of with thought alone.
Just remember OP. She chose you. These guys in her past likely mean nothing to her.
I would ask her, that for the moment while you haven't pushed through your jealousy in therapy that she refrain from mentioning explicit details from her past(in as nice a possible way).
Best of luck.

King Hearts

heretochat wrote: »

I think someone needs to be very blunt here - I personally think you need to cop on to yourself before you lose your wife and children over something as childish and insecure as this.

She is your wife and mother to your kids, I think she deserves a lot more than your petulance and trawling through her past sexual history.

Yea that's real constructive. He knows he needs to cop on, did you not read the OP.

The problem is he doesn't know how to cop on? He's asking for advice.

OP, unfortunately we can't invent a time machine for you to go back and have lots of NSA sex. Your options are either learning to resolve your issues, ask for an open relationship on your side only or breaking up.

Jealous

Again Folks, thanks for the comments. Virgil and King Hearts, thanks for going easy on me, but in all honesty, I don’t deserve it, I have been totally unreasonable in my way of dealing with this the last month.
Truth is, I scared my wife, with late night questions and nasty judgments. I am in no way proud of this. But at the time I couldn’t see any other way to handle it but to tell her exactly what was on my mind, every dark, over-imaginative part of it. But I want my wife and my kids more than anything and want to beat this issue, and hopefully other aspects of my low confidence ( social life and working life including).
I don’t want to be a stereotypical, passive- aggressive bully husband. I want to be the bloke my wife fell in love with. I know I can’t change past events, either for me or her.
I am anxious to speak to someone face to face about it, even though I don’t enjoy dragging it all up, but all the comments here have helped

Scortho

Jealous wrote: »

Again Folks, thanks for the comments. Virgil and King Hearts, thanks for going easy on me, but in all honesty, I don’t deserve it, I have been totally unreasonable in my way of dealing with this the last month.
Truth is, I scared my wife, with late night questions and nasty judgments. I am in no way proud of this. But at the time I couldn’t see any other way to handle it but to tell her exactly what was on my mind, every dark, over-imaginative part of it. But I want my wife and my kids more than anything and want to beat this issue, and hopefully other aspects of my low confidence ( social life and working life including).
I don’t want to be a stereotypical, passive- aggressive bully husband. I want to be the bloke my wife fell in love with. I know I can’t change past events, either for me or her.
I am anxious to speak to someone face to face about it, even though I don’t enjoy dragging it all up, but all the comments here have helped

You are the person who your wife fell in love with.
Forget about the past and look to the future to be the best you can for her and your kids.

Neyite

Jealous wrote: »

Again Folks, thanks for the comments. Virgil and King Hearts, thanks for going easy on me, but in all honesty, I don’t deserve it, I have been totally unreasonable in my way of dealing with this the last month.
Truth is, I scared my wife, with late night questions and nasty judgments. I am in no way proud of this. But at the time I couldn’t see any other way to handle it but to tell her exactly what was on my mind, every dark, over-imaginative part of it. But I want my wife and my kids more than anything and want to beat this issue, and hopefully other aspects of my low confidence ( social life and working life including).
I don’t want to be a stereotypical, passive- aggressive bully husband. I want to be the bloke my wife fell in love with. I know I can’t change past events, either for me or her.
I am anxious to speak to someone face to face about it, even though I don’t enjoy dragging it all up, but all the comments here have helped

Jealousy can be irrational. And that jealousy is the real problem here, not her past. Its because of YOUR self esteem that you are jealous, not her ex's.You are focusing on the minutiae of her past, and its eating into you. Remind yourself that your wife is with you because she wants to be. Making love to conceive the babies that you have is far superior intimacy to a stupid hand-job given to a selfish git from years back. Focus on that intimacy - the sexy, funny, wonderful moments you shared in your bed that no one else has had with her.

I found it helpful to remind myself of that when it happened to me. Do see someone to talk to but remember, its not her fault you feel this way.

Stavro Mueller

You know, there are plenty of people out there who've had the one night stands etc. but would give it all up in exchange for meeting someone to share their lives with. That might be worth bearing in mind before you ruin your marriage.

CaraMay

Your rational mind knows that this is the after effect of years of drug taking so why not remind yourself of that each time you get close to starting on your wife. It's not her, it's you.

Must be a lot more to this story if you are on your last chance...

bp

From what people have told me one night stands are usually a drunken disappointment followed by the attempt to get out fast (not always obviously)! Movies etc portray relationships as amazing sex etc etc but not real relationships. I am 30, married and have one child. I have had one sexual partner and my husband has a few more but it doesn't bother me. By his own admission he was crap the previous times!!!!

Your wife loves you and the jealousy thing is a manifestation of a deeper problem. Speaking honestly and frankly will help but you have to find the right person to speak to and don't forget they have heard numerous issues from numerous people probably a lot worse that yours.

Good luck with therapy

osarusan

I wonder what can be achieved by speaking to her about it though.

I mean, what could she say that could make you stop torturing yourself (and her?) the way you are? The more open/explicit she was about past relationships, the worse it would be,wouldn't it?

She's been with you for 10 years, had children with you, shared her life with you. I'm guessing that, this last month apart, she is happy to be sharing her life with you. Look at what you have together, and what you will have together in the future.

Sit down with her and tell her that. Explain that even though you might think about the other things at times, and it's something you're working on,but that no matter what (irrational) problems you have with her past, you want her to know how you feel about her.

Reassure her about how you feel about her being part of your life for the last 10 years, and on into the future - that might be a good first step.

Lovely Bloke

Go to counselling

Jealous

CaraMay wrote: »

Must be a lot more to this story if you are on your last chance...

No, I've honestly covered everything here, I wouldn’t bother hiding something on here when it's open and anonymous.
Basically we have been going around in circles – me building things up, usually at night, questioning her about it (And yes, more details only made it worse not better), then calming now and apologising, then doing it all again a few days later.
But the last of these was 8 days ago now and I really do feel I’ve turned a corner. I am not going to bring it up with her again and even when she has noticed me feeling down or distracted, I have been saying I’m not thinking about it, even if I have been.
After many empty promises I am now ready to move on.
We have literally talked it to death at this stage, and although it’s always good to be honest and share things, I know she is not my councillor and shouldn’t have to deal with what’s in my head all the time.
I just waiting over two weeks to see someone (left a message yesterday again) and needed to get other people’s take on it all.
When I say I’m on my last chance, I mean she was going to walk out for a while, not end the marriage, I think. But I’m not going to let it come to either of those things.

King Hearts

Ok OP you have to just accept that it's all in the past. You have to accept that there are better looking men than you, funnier men than you, men with bigger penises than you, more attractive men, richer men, more charming men etc etc. what's important is your unique relationship with your wife. Just enjoy it, try meditation if the thoughts become overwhelming.

Moomoo1

I can sympathise with you somewhat: modern culture makes men feel deeply inadequate unless they are at least into double figures. I must admit sometimes to feeling that also.

But as someone mentioned, you cannot have everything in life, it's just not possible for most people. And at the end of the day, sex is still sex, whether ten times with the same person or with ten different people. You did it with one person before she met you, she did it with three before she met you, well that's still kinda even given that you've even had children.

LegacyUser

I've been there OP but on the other side. I got with my partner at 18 but had been with others before him (more than your wife has) and my partner would not stop bringing it up all the time and it made me so miserable. I was no different to other people my age, I had a couple of boyfriends and a few casual things but me and my partner had known each other since we were young and lived in the same area so everyone kind of knew who had went out with who etc.

Anyway he was insecure and would bring it up all the time and he made me feel like a complete tramp even though I wasn't, it wasn't very nice to feel like that after having kids with him and knowing he was judging me on my (perfectly normal) past.

I basically had enough one day and told him we were finished and he could go and f**k off and find himself a virgin because I was not putting up with it again and since then however he's dealt with it in his own head I don't know but he doesn't bring it up anymore and to be honest I don't think it does bother him anymore either.

However, I have always said to myself since then that if he and I were to split up that I would never start seeing anyone else that knows me well and I certainly wouldn't tell them anything about my past because although it's probably unlikely that they would act the way my partner had I've been a bit scarred by it I think, the judging, the guilt that I felt when I had nothing to feel guilty for, it was just awful.

I think something else you have to remember is that you don't like to think about her with these other men, she doesn't like you thinking about it either, you are making her feel like she has something to feel guilty about, you're making her feel like the reason you are insecure is because of something she has done, it's just not fair, maybe now she's just angry and thinks you're being irrational but if you keep this up and she stays with you then you're going to just drag her down and she's going to end up feeling the way you are portraying her and you do not want to do that to the mother of your kids.

How can you stop? I don't know but you need to try to get out of the habit of thinking about this, if the image of her and an ex pops into your head, shake your head vigorously and try to get it out of your head, sounds silly I know but it's something I do if I have nightmares or I start to worry about people dying and things like that and I think it helps a little.

If you have access to her facebook account again, do not check it, checking it is just prolonging the length of time you will feel like this.

Kashkai

OP, did no one ever tell you that it's generally a bad idea to discuss past sexual experiences? Unless both of you get off on hearing about one another shagging other people, all it'll do is create doubt, worry, fear and inadequacy in one another. She's with you now, you can take her to bed and you can have sex with her. Why the hell think about who might have been with her in the past? You got the "prize", so be thankful for it mate. So go buy her some flowers, go home, apologise for being a complete insecure prat, tell her you love her and that you'll get help to deal with your insecurities. Finally, never, ever bring this subject up again because frankly, what she did and who she did it with, BEFORE she met you is really none of your business. Accept her as she is or get out of her life.

Trust me, I'm currently separating from a total control freak, bully of a wife as I can't take her **** anymore. Your wife will leave you too if you don't cop on.

Jealous

ivebeenthere wrote: »

I've been there OP but on the other side. I got with my partner at 18 but had been with others before him (more than your wife has) and my partner would not stop bringing it up all the time and it made me so miserable. I was no different to other people my age, I had a couple of boyfriends and a few casual things but me and my partner had known each other since we were young and lived in the same area so everyone kind of knew who had went out with who etc.

Anyway he was insecure and would bring it up all the time and he made me feel like a complete tramp even though I wasn't, it wasn't very nice to feel like that after having kids with him and knowing he was judging me on my (perfectly normal) past.

I basically had enough one day and told him we were finished and he could go and f**k off and find himself a virgin because I was not putting up with it again and since then however he's dealt with it in his own head I don't know but he doesn't bring it up anymore and to be honest I don't think it does bother him anymore either.

However, I have always said to myself since then that if he and I were to split up that I would never start seeing anyone else that knows me well and I certainly wouldn't tell them anything about my past because although it's probably unlikely that they would act the way my partner had I've been a bit scarred by it I think, the judging, the guilt that I felt when I had nothing to feel guilty for, it was just awful.

I think something else you have to remember is that you don't like to think about her with these other men, she doesn't like you thinking about it either, you are making her feel like she has something to feel guilty about, you're making her feel like the reason you are insecure is because of something she has done, it's just not fair, maybe now she's just angry and thinks you're being irrational but if you keep this up and she stays with you then you're going to just drag her down and she's going to end up feeling the way you are portraying her and you do not want to do that to the mother of your kids.

How can you stop? I don't know but you need to try to get out of the habit of thinking about this, if the image of her and an ex pops into your head, shake your head vigorously and try to get it out of your head, sounds silly I know but it's something I do if I have nightmares or I start to worry about people dying and things like that and I think it helps a little.

If you have access to her facebook account again, do not check it, checking it is just prolonging the length of time you will feel like this.

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s good to know others have experienced this, even though I would not wish it on anyone (both the jealous person or their partners)
I’m another day into not bringing this up with her, despite thinking about it myself during the day. I had a good night’s sleep too, thankfully, but did honestly start thinking about it as soon as I woke up. I have also not accessed her FB account.
If I don’t hear from the health centre I will be making an appointment with a private councillor I was seeing last year (This issue never came up in those sessions, I don’t know why because looking back now it’s always bothered me to some degree)
The meditation tip is also something I will definitely look into as getting rid of these thoughts and accepting things are my top priority, as well as making my wife feel as special as I can again, without crowding her.

LegacyUser

The thing is, OP, you have no right to know anything about your wife from before you started dating. I don't understand why you would feel entitled to know such information and to be in any way put-out by things that happened when you were not in a relationship.

ShaShaBear

And on another note, there's nothing very fond about the memories you might have had about a girl that went home with you, had sex with you, and then frigged off back to wherever she was from, never to see you again.

Because, lets face it, you take a girl home from a bar or nightclub and have a one-night stand with her, she is not going to become your "friend". That's just silly movie nonsense. She is going to disappear, or she is going to want more.

And take it from someone who has had more than one of these encounters - there is nothing pleasant about thinking back on being someone's go-to for sexual relief and realising you were so uninteresting a person to them that they didn't even want to get to know you afterwards. That's what is so special about relationships - this person enjoys a physically intimate life with you, and then realises they would like to be emotionally intimate too. Body and soul you are what your wife wants. Rather than just body, which she could get anywhere, at any stage, and for any length of time that suits her.

Jealous

bananaRep12 wrote: »

The thing is, OP, you have no right to know anything about your wife from before you started dating. I don't understand why you would feel entitled to know such information and to be in any way put-out by things that happened when you were not in a relationship.

We were just talking, about other people we know initially, and something just came up that I had not know about before (her and the guy I knew). This happened not long before we would have met and it just got to me why she treated me differently when we did meet. The fact that I think this guy is quite annoying didnt help.
I agree with you that I had no right to know, I really wish I didnt now.

Jealous

ShaShaBear wrote: »

And take it from someone who has had more than one of these encounters - there is nothing pleasant about thinking back on being someone's go-to for sexual relief and realising you were so uninteresting a person to them that they didn't even want to get to know you afterwards. That's what is so special about relationships - this person enjoys a physically intimate life with you, and then realises they would like to be emotionally intimate too. Body and soul you are what your wife wants. Rather than just body, which she could get anywhere, at any stage, and for any length of time that suits her.

Thank you, I had not looked at it like this, or at least forgot.

ShaShaBear

Jealous wrote: »

Thank you, I had not looked at it like this, or at least forgot.

It's something I came to terms with very quickly with my own partner, and we originally started out as a one night stand. But as we got to talking to fill the awkward silence, I realised how interesting and like-minded a person he was. And, I imagine (since he since proposed and we are getting married next year) he found the same thing about me. Within months you couldn't keep us apart.

Trust me, you are not missing anything by spending 2 or 3 hours talking about yourself to a girl in a bar and then finding out the following morning that she has no interest in seeing you again. In fact, it's a right kick in the teeth, at least I found that to be the case.

Imagine, your wife had sex with you, like she did with anyone else, and she physically enjoyed it enough to do it again. And again. And again. And in this time, she realised that you were sweet, funny, charming and caring. So she decided she would like to marry you, because she doesn't want to share what she has with you with anyone else, and because there is nothing she wants that you are not already giving her. Then she decided to create life and bring your children into the world, which is pretty awesome when you consider she may have grappled with the fact that she will not be the mother to your first child, and that you've already done this with someone else. That's a dealbreaker for many women, so the fact that she put it aside means she must like you a hell of a lot!!

Let me also point out, on a more sexual level, that increasing your sexual experience with one person is much, much more satisfying than with several people. Because what works for one will not always work for another. I have perfected my own sexual techniques with my partner, and he absolutely goes wild with every thing I do. And he has perfected all of his techniques and I am extremely sexually satisfied. If I went out and gave 27 men oral sex tomorrow, it could be quite possible that not a single one of them likes the way I do it. It's an incredible turn on to do it for my partner, and to know that it is the most pleasurable one he has ever received.

So on that note, perhaps it's time to get spicy in the bedroom with your wife. You might not feel as inadequate if you work to pleasure her more fully and more often. I can only go on what my partner has said, but when you know your woman has orgasmed through your own actions, it's very fulfilling. And as I believe good sex is an integral part of any good relationship, it's probably one of the reasons she was happy to put on paper that she only wants to have sex with you for the rest of her life

JenEffy

Is there a reason this has only become a problem now? Ye've been together for years; it's a bit late to be getting jealous. I understand jealously completely, it just seems a bit odd that you're only upset about it now.

suicide_circus

If it makes you feel any better OP, ONS sex is pretty un spectacular 9 times out of 10. If she stuck with you and actually married you, it's a safe assumption that she likes your mojo.

Jealous

JenEffy wrote: »

Is there a reason this has only become a problem now? Ye've been together for years; it's a bit late to be getting jealous. I understand jealously completely, it just seems a bit odd that you're only upset about it now.

Well, I remember having a bit of an issue with it about 6 months into our relationship all those years ago, nothing compared to this time, but I definitely got jealous when she told me about her pervious experience. I think I've always had a issue with it since, it just came to the surface this time because of her talking about her ex and finding out about the guy I now.
But really this is down to me and my own insecurities - previously I've had paranoia about friends and work situations, this is obviously so much worse because it's come right into my home