Please Help, Anybody any advice for me??

andyournameis

I love my boyfriend to bits and I know he feels the same way. He have been dating for 18 months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is the nicest, sweetest guy I've ever been with, He is such a good person, He is the perfect guy expect for one thing….:(

We are living together for the last 10 weeks, But there is something I have noticed about him I and really dunno if I can continue in this relationship, I really need advice, also am I asking too much from him or am I being totally selfish??? The way things have been going on I know I can’t live with it for the rest of my life but I love him so much, he is the best in world.
I am a very out going and bubbly person I have loads of friends so I’m constantly on the go meeting friends for coffee, dinner and drinks etc….He has his own friends too who he goes for drinks and socialises with,I meet my friends in town and he will meet his and we join up at the end of the night but sober he’s very shy around new people he doesn’t know, I have been asking him to meet some of my friends and he doesn’t really want to meet up my different circles of friends… For example, My 2 best friends who are husband and wife want us to call around for dinner and drinks as they have a young baby so they don’t go to town much, there is no way he will go and do this, its too much for him, and he keeps saying sure maybe the next time!!! I have told him I would never put him in a position with people I know he wouldn’t be comfortable it, I know if he would spend time with them he would love them … Or what it was my uncle’s surprise birthday and he was ment to go with me but he backed out in the last minute and says sure I’ll meet them the next time!!!.. I ended up going on my own, my whole family were wondering where “John” was….Or I wanted my sister to come for dinner one Sunday with her boyfriend he wasn’t up for that either, it was too boring why can't we meet them in town (My sister doesn't drink and she is not interested in the pub)… Now last week I was very upset about different things getting me down and suggested that we call to this couple’s house and have a few drinks and I would cheer up and have a good time, no he didn’t want to do it, but he took me for dinner and drinks in town, I did really appreciate what he did for me, but he didn’t really see my point I wanted to be with my best friends and my boyfriend too all in the same room, I would have been so happy. I want my boyfriend to come with me when I’m meeting my friends some times not all the time. Now in November a good friend has invited us to their house in Cork for drinks and a night on the town, when I said we will go, he threw me a look like not a hope in hell… And I have another couple who are coming home from over seas at xmas and they want us to go for dinner and drinks with other friends of mine, I know already he will not go to this with me… I feel sick to my tummy already,I know I will have to make an excuse again why he is not there with me. My birthday is next month he asked me already what I want from him I told him all I wanted is for him to go and do these things with me and he laughed into my face…I was deadly serious that is what I really want from him and it doesn’t cost a penny… I am not and I will not go down the road of begging and grovelling for him to go places with me, I shouldn’t have to…

On one occasion he called into a friends house in Dublin with me only on the basis we stayed for an hour and no longer!!
The funny part about the whole thing he expects me to go to places with him, meeting his friends, staying in his family home over night. TBH I really don’t mind, but his brother got married, He was the best man so I had to drive to his friends house and meet him and his wife, I had never met them ever before, then I had go to the wedding with them then sit on a table with 7 other people I didn’t know either.. It didn’t bother me, but I made a huge effort on that day for him…Yet he cannot do it for me, I’m really upset about the whole thing as my friends are so important to me and my sister ,To me this is the most important part of a relationship to me to have your boyfriend by your side.

I really want to bring this up again to him I know he will think I’m over reacting, it’s not a big deal etc and it will end up in an argument… I know this is a deal breaker for me, He keeps saying he is working on his issue, but how can you work on them if you not willing to meet these people… What I find now is that I’m getting very frustrated, snappy and crappy with him over stupid things but I know deep down it's about this issue…He just can’t see how important it is for me, he thinks it isn’t a big issue… BUT IT’S A HUGE ISSUE TO ME

Sorry for the long post

heretochat

Comes across to me that this "perfect" guy is in fact quite selfish. He seems to want to do everything on his terms and doesn't seem to care a jot about your feelings..

He expects you to accompany him when he is meeting friends or family but is not prepared to reciprocate.. That is not on in my opinion..

You really need to sit him down and tell him how you feel about this. Otherwise it will keep niggling at you and become an even bigger problem..

He doesn't need to go to everything you organise with your friends but he should not be allowed adopt a policy of blanket refusal either.

czechlin

I fully agree with the above comment.
From what you said he comes across quite selfish. You need to have a chat about it. I personally don't think you are overreacting. It's not like you're dragging him everywhere you go. Seems like he's got double standards when it comes to socializing with friends/family, which is not fair.
Sit down, have a talk and hopefully he'll get it.

andyournameis

Thanks all for your advice, I don't expect him to come to everything just the nights/events that are important to me...
We are going away for the weekend soon, so then I will pick my moment and bring up my issue again.

czechlin

andyournameis wrote: »

Thanks all for your advice, I don't expect him to come to everything just the nights/events that are important to me...
We are going away for the weekend soon, so then I will pick my moment and bring up my issue again.

Good luck, I hope he'll come around

Karen8

It sounds like you dont accpet that you are just different. What are you doing here is basicallly asking how "to change him", not how to accept it. That is dangerous way and more than likely might not work.
Try to understand why it's so difficult for him, give him time to know your friends and family - even an hour meet up is ok for now. Try to get to the root of his (yours?) problem, is he really that selfish or just shy?

wirelessdude01

You need if possible to try and find out why he is so shy around your friends and if this was a problem with previous girlfriends if there have been any.

Unless there is an underlying issue causing this then really I would consider it quite childish and selfish behaviour. I once had an ex who seemed to have major issues with both my friends and family whereby she would do anything to avoid having anything to do with them. Suffice to say we ain't together anymore.

Merkin

I think this fundamentally boils down to you both being two different sociable animals and the way you interact with people. You have said yourself that he is quite shy and that you're at your happiest surrounded by loads of people. It's very hard to compromise on that. I also think if he is very shy it is a tall order asking him to go to a couple's home for dinner and drinks when he has never laid eyes on them before. No doubt he'd feel a level of terror at such a prospect if he'd never met them before. If he has any levels of social anxiety at all the prospect would seem abhorrent. As would going to an uncle's surprise birthday party with a huge mob of outlaws chomping at the bit to meet him. Express your concerns to him but if you're hoping to change his personality then prepare to be disappointed.

Instead pick the occasions that really matter to you. And think about this carefully, it seems you want to spend your time with various people while this simply does not appeal to him. Compromise by hand-picking really important events and then either meeting people on neutral territory where he can feel he can escape if needs be (not in someone's home) and also do it so it's only for a few hours and on agreed terms by both of you.

I don't think he is selfish necessarily, I think you can both agree what he is and isn't comfortable with and work off that rather than trying to change one fundamental difference in his personality.

desbrook

I have to say you have let this pattern develop over a fairly long period of time and now you have moved in with him . If you are to have any hope of rectifying things sometihng needs to happen now - you can't hang around .

Usually I'd be in the "stop trying to change him " camp in such problems and often tell posters to accept their partners the way they are or walk . Your problem though OP has set me thinking . In a lot of ways what he is doing is classic controlling stuff . Firstly he is surrounding you with hisfriends . He presumably makes the arrangments of when you guys go out etc. Secondly and more worryingly he is not engaging with yours or horror of horrors setting time limits on how long you can spend with them . The upshot of all this is that if you guys get two invites to go out as a couple this weekend one from his friends and one from yours you will be totally tempted to not even mention your invite and go out with his mates . In effect you are being isolated .

The real question is- is this getting worse ? Are you avoiding see your friends because of him ? Are you losing friends because of him ? You need to stay on top of this and make sure none of those questions can be or will be answered "yes" .

The only way to "fight" against this is to only meet up with his friends as many times as he meets with yours . Keep a diary if you need to . Tell him what you are doing and stick to it . He made this problem not you .

Kashkai

OP, I can empathise a little with your boyfriend as social occasions with strangers scares me. My ex wife wanted me to meet her very large family in the west of Ireland when we had been dating 6 months, and I did go, but she fecked off for the evening someplace and left me alone in a room full of strangers who, after the initial "questioning of the Jackeen" for a few minutes, broke into their own groups and I was left standing like an eejit for hours. I tried to join in a few conversations but was left in no doubt that they wanted privacy. I was livid with her later and rarely went to anymore of her family do's. I also used to go out with her and her friends but again, she'd go elsewhere and I'd be left examining the wallpaper.

Thing is, it is important to be part of each others lives and friends/families. Otherwise you'll eventually drift apart like we have done. Talk to him to see what's wrong. Tell him it's important to you that he goes to meet your family and friends. Perhaps he's insecure and scared. Maybe if you stay by his side for the first few hours until he gets comfortable, things will work out. On the other hand, if its "his way" all the time, you need to re-examine the relationship as it'll bug you more and more over time.

andyournameis

Thanks All.... Kashkai, I would be very protective about him in a situation like that, I wouldn't leave his side, he knows I wouldn't, as I know how shy he can be, also I would never put him into a position that I know that he would n' t have a good time, he needs to give these things a chance...
I have spoken to him today about it, he doesn't think its a big issue, I'm trying to explain to him that it actually is, He thinks I'm just going off on one!!! I just told him i'm finding it very hard to cope to beg him to go places with me..That things should be a chore. He is has taken things on board, he is going to try, I just said there is no point saying these things as actions speak louder than words!!

wirelessdude01

Can I ak how you got together if he is so socially awkward?

andyournameis

In a pub....We just chatted and he had a few drinks in him.... I have to explain when he is with me or his circle of family and friends, or even his own work friends he is full of chat, banter, laughs, no bother....so that's why I think he can be a bit selfish, if the situation doesn't suit him he is not going to even make an effort and use being shy as an excuse...

desbrook

andyournameis wrote: »

In a pub....We just chatted and he had a few drinks in him.... I have to explain when he is with me or his circle of family and friends, or even his own work friends he is full of chat, banter, laughs, no bother....so that's why I think he can be a bit selfish, if the situation doesn't suit him he is not going to even make an effort and use being shy as an excuse...

The more you tell us the more I see control being exerted by him . Beware !

heretochat

andyournameis wrote: »

In a pub....We just chatted and he had a few drinks in him.... I have to explain when he is with me or his circle of family and friends, or even his own work friends he is full of chat, banter, laughs, no bother....so that's why I think he can be a bit selfish, if the situation doesn't suit him he is not going to even make an effort and use being shy as an excuse...

Does this not raise a big red flag with you? I have given my opinion before but nothing have seen since wod suggest that he is anyhing but selfishand wanting to be the dominant force in the relationship. You need to seriously set down some ground rules or he will walk all over you.

Frank Black

andyournameis wrote: »

I have loads of friends so I’m constantly on the go meeting friends for coffee, dinner and drinks etc….

Yes - sounds like it.

andyournameis wrote: »

… For example, My 2 best friends who are husband and wife want us to call around for dinner and drinks

andyournameis wrote: »

it was my uncle’s surprise birthday and he was ment to go with me

andyournameis wrote: »

Or I wanted my sister to come for dinner one Sunday with her boyfriend

andyournameis wrote: »

Now last week I was very upset about different things getting me down and suggested that we call to this couple’s house and have a few drinks

.

andyournameis wrote: »

Now in November a good friend has invited us to their house in Cork for drinks and a night on the town

andyournameis wrote: »

And I have another couple who are coming home from over seas at xmas and they want us to go for dinner and drinks with other friends of mine,

I'd find it exhausting having to be constantly meeting new people. It's way worse for him if indeed he does suffer from some form of social anxiexty.

Surely a bit of compromise would work - say agree that he should attend one event you choose once a month, rather than a blanket or unspecified arrangement.

If he's not willing to meet you halfway then maybe you have a problem.

ifElseThen

andyournameis wrote: »

The funny part about the whole thing he expects me to go to places with him, meeting his friends, staying in his family home over night.

Don't oblige him on these occasions. Back out at the last minute and then he might see how it feels.

Frank Black

ifElseThen wrote: »

Don't oblige him on these occasions. Back out at the last minute and then he might see how it feels.

Advice more suited to a 5 year old.

Childish tit-for-tat antics are rarely the best way to sort out adult relationship issues.

A non-aggressive discussion, outlining how you feel and suggesting a compromise solution would probably be a better way to go.

Big Bag of Chips

I am with my husband 13 years, and he sounds like your bf. He's not a very sociable person. He wouldn't come on nights out with my friends. He doesn't visit my parents house. He would hate the idea of having or going to a dinner party!

But... I visit his parents. I go to his family functions, communions etc with him. I don't mind doing it. He does mind.

It used to bother me a bit, but then I realised this was just the way he was. It would be nice if he did things. But it is not necessary for our relationship.

You need to figure out if it is something important for your relationship. If it is you are going to have to find someone who is happier to do these things... Because he will not change. And if you do persuade him to go to something with you, you won't be able to relax and enjoy yourself because you will be conscious the whole time that he will not be enjoying himself (and that may be something he can't hide very well from your family and friends!)

bottlebrush

You won't change him. You need to decide if this is something you can live with if the relationship is for keeps. Otherwise walk, and try and meet somebody who enjoys meeting your friends and family.
On a personal note i knew a few guys in the past who were exactly the same. Turned out they felt that meeting my folks meant they were signing up to more of a commitment with me than they had planned and they felt scared! But when i met blokes who were truly nterested they really wanted to meet my family and friends. That's my personal experience.

LegacyUser

Part of being in a relationship as an adult is that you have to be willing to give as well as take. If you are doing all the giving this is not a relationship.

At this stage I would tell him the next time he wants you to meet his friends/family that it does not suit you. Let him know that unless he is willing to make the same effort as your making for him re his family and freinds you are not going to stay in the relationship.
If a man is not willing to make an effort with your family and freinds or is unwilling to attend events with you that don't include his friends/relatives I would be wary of staying with him long term as they show a lack of maturity.

In the future this lack of maturity could prevent your relationship moving forward ie getting engaged/ married or having a family. You may find yourself on your own as he can't cope with you being sick, having a sick child, financial problems ect.

Also if you no longer in contact with friends because he does not like them, if you making excuses not to met freinds or attend family events because of him you need to ask yourself why are you doing this?
It is a very bad ideal to put your partner fist always and to stop seeing freinds and family because he does not like them. Some times a friend can see a problem that you may not be aware of or will notice is you making excuses re bruise ect.
A freind or family member can help you strenght to end a bad relationship or get away from an abusive one.