Psychological abuse

Kashkai

Hi all

I'm in the early stages of separating from my wife. We are waiting on an appointment from the family mediation service. In the meantime, I'd like advice on how to get through the final weeks of my marriage as she is literally driving me mad with her constant psychological abuse.

Briefly, I'm a good father who does more than 50% of the child care and housework. But no matter what I do, she has a nasty snide comment to make. She never let's any opportunity pass by where she can denigrate me. I try to avoid responding as she does this in front of our kids and I don't want or like rows, especially in front of them. She knows this and so uses them as a "shield" to make her comments without fear of me responding in kind. Now there have been times when after weeks or months of this, I just can't contain my anger anymore and I shout back at her. All this elicits is a sneering little smile and comments of "look what he's like" to the kids.

I've lived like this for years and I cannot stand it any longer. Sometimes I feel like lashing out at her but I'd never forgive myself for that as I'm not a violent person. How can I deal with this as she's getting worse. I've developed an ulcer from the stress of putting up with her. I've asked her to just stop with the snide remarks as the marriage is over (that's what she wants btw. I asked her to go to counselling but she refused). But she just won't.

Any advice how I can deal with this while my separation goes through?

foxinsox

If you are separating anyway I woul advise you to move out asap.

I'm sorry to say but your kids would be better off seeing you away from your wife.

Kashkai

My kids are better off with me, who cares about them, unlike their darling mother who swans off to the shops for the weekend or out with whomever at night. If she spends an hour with them a week doing things, that's about the extent of it.

I'm not fooling myself though as I know that in the eyes of the law, a mother is a virtuous being who can do nooooooo wrong and all fathers are evil. Sorry for the heavy sarcasm but I'm extremely bitter that I'll be the one leaving when she's the nasty character.

MouseTail

Foxinsox is right, if you have resigned yourself to the fact you will be the one moving out, you need to do that ASAP. The situation you, your ex wife and your children are in is intolerable.

You could be waiting a long time for your mediation appointment, and even after that it will take months and months to sort everything out.

Sleepy

Have you asked her to move out?

Angeles

Sorry to hear Kashkai
But coming from a family who's lived the exact same way you describe without the hope of divorce! the longer you 2 are both in direct proximity of each other, the worse it is "regardless of what you think" on the kids. There's no right or wrong here, the environment you 2 being close to each other are creating is highly destructive for all those around it.

You and your (to be ex) wife need to no longer be in contact with each other and i mean NEED!
Your wife is using your presence as a means to dump her frustration and torment on to for her own pleasure, and only bad and more bad will continue to come from it.

You could be the nicest guy on this planet and no.1 dad in the world, but as your actual presence is causing this disruptive environment for both your mental state and that of your children. The only viable solution is to split you 2 apart, so either man up, pack your things and get out of there! Or make agreement/arrangement that she does.

sbsquarepants

Unfortunately Kashkai you are right about the courts, she could be a junkie hooker and she'd still get custody - the system is very much skewed in her favour. My advice is to make sure you have your guardianship and visitation rights legally agreed asap. Then you no longer need to be at her mercy. It's a shítty situation, but you will pull through it, and it's better for the kids and for yourself in the long run, that you just make the break and stop fighting in front of them.

Kashkai

Sleepy wrote: »

Have you asked her to move out?

Yes I have asked her to leave but she just laughed. My own Solicitor has said I'll end up having to leave. I'm getting used to the thought of it myself, ie a whole day without the sneering witch. However I simply can't afford to move out as I pay all the mortgage and bills and have nothing left over to rent somewhere else to live. That's why I'm stuck until the separation is finalised.