Can't find ordinary genuine gay men

LegacyUser

I'm having this deeply frustrating problem lately of being unable to make gay friends - indeed I'd say I've only 1 gay 'friend' but that would be stretching the definition of what a friend is supposed to be.

It's so frustrating to log into fora such as Gaydar or even using Grindr and find that all the guys want is sex sex and you've guessed it, sex. I'm not anti-sex but I do like the idea of making friends with other gay guys that doesn't entail having sex. This manifests in weird ways - for instance, on many Gaydar profiles they openly indicate they just want friendship and chats and shy away from sex but when you show them your pic they aren't interested in friendship any more.

I'm just an ordinary straight-acting gay guy in his early twenties who just wants to make friends with other gay men. I have straight friends only at the moment and tired of being unable to make one which is gay. I can't generalise too much though, a few guys I spoke with seem alright but unfortunately our interests just do not cross over. I like guys who are able to hold a conversation about fun topics but also not to fun topics but this seems highly elusive as well.

In other words, has any other gay men here had difficulties making friends with other gay men because of what appears to be a 'sexual restriction'. I know that this forum holds meetings but I tend not to enjoy that type of group environment for personal reasons. Anyway, I'd be curious to know what you guys think and if you've had similar experiences and what you did to find that all elusive gay friend.

Annasopra

OP I'm trying not to be too harsh but if you want to make friends then groups may be your only option.

There are lots of different groups out there;
Rugby, Soccer, Reading, Hiking, Squash, Book clubs, Juggling, Running, Hurling, Gaming, Web meets up (here, meetup.com, gaire.com)

_Redzer_

What do you expect from sex apps and hook up sites? If you want to make genuine gay friends you're gonna have to out yourself out there. Simple as. Fecking around on the internet in hopes of finding them is not going to work.

jaydoxx

Also, straight friends will do when in a pinch! :pac:

Rick_

Plenty of nice, genuine fellas out there who are in the same position as you, but chances are searching through gay hook up sites and apps isn't going to connect you to them, but you never know. It has worked for some people, myself included, but the examples of it are few and far between.

If social situations or groups are off-putting, you may find it quite difficult to meet someone just by going on dating websites/apps etc. I would suggest trying to work on being more outgoing and social and letting things happen naturally. Someone will be able to see you in real life, not some carefully selected and posed for profile picture and well written description. They'll see the real you and can base whether or not they'd like to be friends with you or not, or who knows, maybe it could develop further than that, if that's what you wanted.

Plus, we're all friends on here, so you can count us towards your online gay friends! If you register and stick around and get to know the guys and gals here, maybe attending a meet up in the future wouldn't be such a scary thought and then you could end up with quite a few new gay friends.

OneArt

You know, this problem seems to be uniquely Irish or at least related to those living in countries with small populations. I have no experience of using dating apps/websites in Ireland when I lived there, but I've been using GayRomeo and OkCupid here in Germany. Yes, there's a huge amount of people just looking for sex. But there are also a good few people who are looking for more than that. The four guys I've met off the exclusively gay website, after having chatted online for a bit, turned out to be great and I'm still friends with two of them. Usually after a few messages back and forth I can discern between those who are looking for just one thing.

The fact of the matter is that the numbers are just quite low in Ireland. Ireland is an island with around 4 million or so people, so it could just be a case of limited numbers.

jabarrett35

I agree sites like Grindr aren't very helpful if you want to just make friends. There may be a few men on there that want to be but I'm yet to find them. Actually a lot are married which is problematic on several levels. The one chap I talked to online wanted to keep it there though he denied it but after a month it was obvious ( he's 190 meters from me a lot if the time!). I lived in London and it was a lot easier there but since moving back here I find difficult to meet other out gay men. The fact that I'm out puts a lot of men of as well. By the by this chap told me had met someone and I was unceremoniously dropped! Bars I've also found difficult for making friends even in London.I met most of my gay friends while training as a nurse, most bars have cliques in them which don't except outsiders this may be a jaundiced view.

lyinghere

The meet ups organized on here sound perfect for you.

ewan whose army

As some of the guys on here probably know I used to have a similar worry. I joined the TCD QSoc, went to places like The Front Lounge just to find people to speak to, I even started online dating through which I found my boyfriend.

It can be lonely being gay, but there are groups, places that you can go to that will help you meet other people.

mackD

Meet-ups are the way to go as I have made some great gay friends that way, whether it be on this forum or elsewhere.
I would also classify myself as quite socially awkward and quiet, so the thought of meeting new people has been quite scary, but you just have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
I am certainly glad that I did.

baby and crumble

This is the latest in a long line of similar threads that pop up all the time. Now, I admit I am in a bad mood today, so this post may be somewhat harsh. I apologise in advance.

1) If you want to meet friends, you won't find them on websites and apps that are geared towards sex. It just won't happen in the gay OR straight community. Do you think straight folks who want to find friends are on adultfriendfinder (despite the name, 'friends' are not really the point...?. It'd be like trying to buy groceries in Penneys.

2) Hate to break it to you, but everyone is 'normal'. Just because someone isn't into the same things as you doesn't make them weird. Same thing with being 'camp'. I really dislike the trend of dismissal and disdain that arises on this forum (and in general) towards camp guys. Some gay guys are camp. Get over it, doesn't mean they can't be friends with you. Hell, a lot of straight guys are camp, so what???

3) As people get older, it gets harder to make new friends. That's just a fact. It's easily in school and college, as you are all in the same boat. You meet new people all the time in those situations, and most of them are open to making new friends. Once you get past college age it gets harder and harder, as other things and commitments get in the way of spending the time forming new friendships. So this is where effort comes in. You have to make an effort. Friends aren't just going to fall into your lap.

4) Groups are the best way I have found to make new friends that are specific. As in, if you want to make friends with specific interests and in particular life experiences and 'grooves' then you have to find out where they are. If you were a gamer and wanted to make gamer friends, you'd go to game events, play online, visit chat forums and go to their real life meet ups. You wouldn't just go to an unrelated party and hope you find a gamer, would you? Same has to happen in you're looking for gay friends. There are loads of social groups for gay folks in ireland that are geared around a particular hobby or interest. Walking groups, music groups, football, rugby, book clubs, dining clubs, there's tons of choice. You have the added benefit of knowing that the guys there are gay, and share the same interest as you, so immediately you're two points in the positive column. Plus with groups like that you have gaurenteed fallback cover station topics!

I'm sorry if this is harsh but I have seen so many of these threads in the last number of years of me posting here. The advice given is always the same yet nobody seems to listen to it. Friends don't magically appear. You have to work at friendships, especially once you leave college. You have to make an effort and not be afraid of being ignored or shot down. You also have to open yourself up to meeting people who don't fit your 'ideal' image of your friend. Dont close yourself off from people who are outside your idea of 'normal'.

TL;DR: grow some balls, join some groups and make an effort.

jabarrett35

Baby and Crumble you are in a bad mood, but you are right of course. I agree what is this straight acting business as though if you are a bit camp you are an untouchable. I'm a bit on the camp side but I'm a very serious person.Some other gay men seem to equate camp with stupid and flighty, which is far from the truth in my case.
It's also true that one finds it easier to meet ppl when you are young, I met both my gay and straight best friends while training in London. Unfortunately I'm not London anymore and would quite like to make some new gay friends. I don't live in Dublin so it would be nice to know what was around in my area.

Apps like Grindr I agree are really not there for making friends or finding boyfriends they are for hook ups.

chargerman

Hi OP, I am in exactly the same situation as you! It is so hard, I used grindr, but I deleted it and gaydar is same, u get talking but they just want sex.

I am not out top my friends so I find it very hard to make gay friends

Rick_

Well, delete Grindr and Gaydar and get out and join some social groups (LGBT related or not) like a sports team, book club, walking club, etc. there are quite a few dotted about the place. You need to get out and meet real people then you'll have plenty of new friends gay and straight.

Easier said than done I know, but it is what has to be done. Grindr and Gaydar are not friend making places, they are used primarily for sex only. Looking on there for friendship / a relationship is like looking for a condom machine in the Vatican.

happinessfr

I heard about meet-up, maybe I should also give it a try.
Part of me is so lazy and quiet and not very socialized.

Norderburse

Similar predicament here OP.
happinessfr - tried meetup, and even though I've given every dating and hookup app a go, I had to go to a meetup to meet a nice guy who just lives around the corner from me, lol! Not sure if we can name groups here, but it's a friends based group - not a hookup thing.

MarriedButBi

I don't understand why you place such importance of the sex or sexuality of people you want to share friendship with.

Rick_

Perhaps he is in the same position as myself where (practically) all my friends are straight and I don't really know anyone gay to talk to about gay subjects or to socialise with in gay venues.

Yes, straight friends can do that as well, but it is nice to have someone who you know is the same as you that you can chat to and share your views on certain things, perhaps more personal stuff than you would/could with your straight friends.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with the OP wanting to specifically be looking for gay friends. Surely it's better for gay people to have like minded friends to socialise with and be a network for each other so they don't feel alone and are driven to live lonely lives or, sadly, even worse...

baby and crumble

MarriedButBi wrote: »

I don't understand why you place such importance of the sex or sexuality of people you want to share friendship with.

I get where you're coming from, and a few years ago I would have felt the same as you. However I really enjoy having friends who are gay and bi, whom I can share that part of me with. Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends and wouldn't change them, but sometimes it's nice to have that in common. Humans need to have friends they feel at home with.

Annasopra

MarriedButBi wrote: »

I don't understand why you place such importance of the sex or sexuality of people you want to share friendship with.

Its more about having friends that understand you because you have something in common e.g. women understand women, golfers understand golfers, immigrants understand immigrants, teenagers understand teenagers

MarriedButBi

Paddy C wrote: »

Perhaps he is in the same position as myself where (practically) all my friends are straight and I don't really know anyone gay to talk to about gay subjects or to socialise with in gay venues.

Yes, straight friends can do that as well, but it is nice to have someone who you know is the same as you that you can chat to and share your views on certain things, perhaps more personal stuff than you would/could with your straight friends.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with the OP wanting to specifically be looking for gay friends. Surely it's better for gay people to have like minded friends to socialise with and be a network for each other so they don't feel alone and are driven to live lonely lives or, sadly, even worse...

Ok, that explains it very clearly, thanks for taking the time. Hope you and the OP find some fellow gays to make friends with