breakdown

secondcap

found out recently my wife was with someone I knew and had sex with them, It has shattered me mentally and emotionally, she is getting help and is suffering a breakdown, there are no kids involved and we rent but never bought, (I moved out and im from Cork originally but living in Dublin) I still love her but don't know wheter now is the perfect time to get out, Sorry I seem like a wimp but I cant tell the few friends or family I have cos of the shame of It all, she says she is distraught and feels disgusting, any advice would help, thank you:)

Lisha

Hi Secondcap

I'm sorry to hear that you have suffered such a shock . It's a horrible place to be.

Firstly you need to look after your own needs first and foremost.

It's good I suppose that you don't have the complications of debt and property.

Really you could ensure that your wife has sufficient medical and counseling back up to see her through this time.

But I don't think you deserve to be blackmailed in to staying with her.
See your own gp and make sure your own needs are covered.

See if you can confide in someone it's a heavy load to carry on your own.
Maybe counseling would benifit you.

If you do decide to stay together, you could seek couples counseling to help you both understand how and why you have ended up here.
This would give you an even playing ground to rebuild a relationship, but it's hard work.

What ever you decide best of luck and look after yourself .

Take care

secondcap

thanks so much for the reply, yeah I haven't gone to counselling bt will do its still so raw, sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with severe panic attacks, her family has a history of relationship and marriage breakdown, we are together for 14 years and going out on my own scares me too, She is sorting her own issues out before deciding anything, Part of me feels give it another go, another part say if we have kids in future would this happen again? Sorry im rambling again

Lisha

To give your marriage another go you really IMHO need to do a lot of counseling.

Staying together as a safe option is not fair on you both.
To be frank bringing kids in as a bandaid solution is unfair on the child.

I'd be afraid that you could stay together, get her through her breakdown, and then she would feel strong enough to leave you. I'm sorry if that is harsh.

Just to let you know I understand the fear you feel of being on your own, I met my husband at 16 and am now neatly 36. Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me.

But i think I'd prefer to be happy alone than miserable together.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy, loved and secure.

Best of luck

secondcap

thank you- at times I feel insecure but then at other times I feel I am stronger

Lisha

I've a feeling you're a lot stronger than you think.
Trust your instincts and give yourself s lot of time and space to heal before making any major decisions.

omahaid

Will she do it again do you think? I'd be very nervous of having children with a woman who I don't trust.

secondcap

thanks for reply could do with some more!!! LOL,Yeah I dont know to be honest, I really dont think so because she is so distraught but she has had a rough life (parents got divorced, she was in an abusive relationship before she met me, severe self confidence issues and an eating disorder,) despite all of this I think ok if I stay am I going to repeat history and create a family with a child to then watch them go through the same issues, sounds really selfish but its now a massive concern for me like never before

ElleEm

OP, you need to stop apologising, and you are not selfish.
You have just experienced a real trauma, and you should allow yourself time and space to allow yourself to feel it. Right now, there is no doubt that you are confused, as is your wife, but for the next while, you need to stop thinking of her. Stop making excuses for her, she chose to do what she did.
You need to think of yourself here. Allow yourself however long you need to mill over your thoughts, even start writing them down.
When all the anger and hurt fade, you will then be able to best decide if you can trust your wife again. Even go to counselling yourself. Your wife needs to work on herself separately to you. If you decide you want to continue in the relationship, then you can look at couple's counselling, but first and foremost, look after yourself.

secondcap

thank you Ellem, its very kind of you , yes its early days and im jumping so many bridges all at once, havent got a large network to talk to unlike her and wouldnt want to disclose what she did to anyone anyway cos im funny like that, will be at counselling next week

ElleEm

secondcap wrote: »

thank you Ellem, its very kind of you , yes its early days and im jumping so many bridges all at once, havent got a large network to talk to unlike her and wouldnt want to disclose what she did to anyone anyway cos im funny like that, will be at counselling next week

That is great. You can't rush the processing that has to happen after an event like this.
Have you thought about confiding in at least one friend/ family member? You have nothing to be ashamed about, and I am sure you could do with the support.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think it's great that you've organised some counselling, it will come in very handy. Hopefully it will give you some necessary breathing space to figure out and deal with how you are actually feeling about all of this. While it obviously is a good thing that your partner is getting professional help, and that she obviously feels remorse, the danger is that all of this has become about her, and her issues, while your feelings and needs get swept aside in the process. So regardless of what will happen in your relationship, which by no means do you have to make any concrete decision on yet, the best thing you can do is to look after yourself and talk things through with anyone who will listen.

I agree with other posters here that you have nothing to feel ashamed about, and a friendly ear will really help take a load off. It sounds like the issues in your relationship, and in particular your wife's infidelity, have left you very isolated. You need to reach out and let a close friend or family member support you. You are not betraying your relationship in any way by sharing the truth with someone else.

Apart from that, try not worry about what you are going to do in the future, that's quite a bit away from where you are at now. You have suffered a massive betrayal here, and it undoubtedly hurts like hell. But while you are focused on your wife's well being (and understandably so), you cannot ever figure out what you really feel about all of this. Only when you do that, will you be able to figure out what happens next. As someone else said above, let her go about fixing herself with professional help, and you try take care of yourself.

Her rough life, her issues, her background are all factors in her development, but ultimately, she has decided not to take responsibility for her own behaviour in her life. You cannot fix her, and it is up to her to tackle her issues as an adult, with professional help. At the very least, you deserve a partner who respects you enough to take steps so that her behaviour does not damage you.

Take care of yourself OP, and good luck.

secondcap

thanks for that much appreciated, Its tough and lonely but it can only get better (although it will prob get worse before it gets better!!) at least I might emerge a stronger person and at least i actually know the truth which is better than living a lie.