Worried about my commitment issues

LegacyUser

I met a girl around 2 years ago now. We went on a few dates, hit it off, started going out.

My last relationship ended after 4 years because I felt I was too young back then to settle down and that's where we were headed, I wanted to travel and do lots more with my life first. I was only 27. I'm 34 now, got stung with negative equity on a property I thought I'd make money on to fund my trip.

So, this girl is great, beautiful, intelligent, fun, very nice and kind. We attempted a relationship but the voices in my head got louder telling me I can't get in to a serious relationship because I've things to do first. I tried and I'm not sure if this sounds mad but I couldn't let her in. She was picking up on it too and after a few months I ended it but we do have some kind of feelings for each other and have stayed in touch.

I had some family issues going on, my mams been ill but is ok now and I told her it was because of this and we have stayed friends and she has become one of my best friends, she's the only person i confide in about anything really.

She has her own stuff and made it clear to me around this time last year that she couldn't be just my friend because she wanted a relationship and having me in her life was stopping her moving on. I understood and we didn't talk for a good 2 months but then I felt like I'd lost her and really put a lot of pressure on her (I'm a prick, I know) to give me a shot. She said she didn't want things to go back to how they were and I truly felt like I was ready but the same thing happened again after 2 months, I wouldn't let her in, made excuses up to stop her meeting my friends or getting anywhere near my inner circle. I even made a dating profile up (I still don't understand why) and was chatting to other girls. I didn't meet anyone but it was still wrong.

I ended things again and we stayed friends again. A few weeks ago she told me she was done. She was so kind and nice about it, it's a mad situation, she understands where I'm at but decided to give herself a break. We met up, I explained about how I wanted to get away, she explained that she felt vulnerable and stuck in our friendship and we said goodbye temporarily so she could work things out and she asked me to not make contact.

Then after a few weeks (last Wednesday) I get an email telling me she's glad she met me and will always care about me. She wants me to go on my trips (I've been planning them for next year) because she thinks I need to do that. All very supportive stuff. She said she doesn't want me to make her any promises only that I'll follow my dreams and not let anyone stop me, and she said no matter how long we're apart she will always smile if she sees my number come up on her phone but told me not to make any contact with her unless I "mean" it.??

I feel like I've lost my closest friend and I don't blame her. There's a big part of me wants to run to her apartment and try another relationship but I think she's wise to me now and will tell me to go. She'd be right too. I'm still the same

I don't know if getting away will fix me, I'm just a bit worried about myself and my direction. I have been for a while. Maybe I've just been a prick to this girl for 2 years

Part of me wants to chase her but my brain knows it will achieve nothing and hurt her more. I'm starting to think the trips won't fix me either and if I'm gone 6 months she's great and will have moved on. I know that's selfish but I can't help it; but I can't be where she wants me to be at the moment.

How can I fix myself? I'm a bit depressed at the moment to be honest

Big Bag of Chips

It's simple really... the reality of it is you like her, just not enough.

You can't force yourself to feel something for someone. I bet if you met someone tomorrow who blew you off your feet you would have little or none of these worries that you are having now,

She is "comfortable" for you. That is why you miss her and want to keep her close. But you will never be in love with her. You will never want to spend your life with her, and her alone.

Leave her be, now. Allow her to get on with her life. Because you are going to get on with your own.

You'll probably always have a soft spot for her.. but a soft spot isn't enough.