I really want to meet my Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend

Monkey09

So long story short - I'm going out with my boyfriend for just over a year now. Things were going ok between us but lately we've been having some deeper issues where I feel that my boyfriend has over-reacted to a situation and I've noticed that sometimes he doesn't treat others (including myself) very well.

Anyway, I've gotten to know some of my boyfriends friends and family quite well over the last few months. Sometimes, his ex-girlfriend has come up in conversation and it's like the sun rises and sets on this girl where his friends and family are concerned. She seemed to be perfect in every way - so friendly, and a great person overall.

This girl broke up with my boyfriend about 3 years ago now as she had similar issues with my boyfriend as I have now. She met someone else and they are now married. This broke my boyfriend's heart completely.

Lately (the last 2-3 months), I have found myself longing to meet his Ex-girlfriend. I have no idea why. It's just something that I got into my head and I can't seem to get past it. I don't want to discuss her relationship with my boyfriend or anything but I'd just like to meet her on some kind of a casual basis (like bump into her somewhere or something).

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Any advice on what I should do would be great?

John Mason

what should you do?? Absolutely nothing. leave this woman alone.

you need to deal with your issues.

CaraMay

Wha??? Why would you do that in the name of god

NicoleL88

No, just no.

Chara1001

Terrible idea,

How you would even engineer an 'accidental' meeting without stalking her to some degree?

Having said that, i know exactly how you feel. I had an awful relationship with an ex, and i would have LOVED to have met his exes (the longer term ones anyway. I would have loved to have known if their relationship with him had parallels with mine. I would have LOVED to pick their brains, but it could never happen. I just want to move on now but don't stay with someone who treats you badly, you don't need reassurance from his exes that it's ok to leave him.

You need to deal with your issues yourselves.

But best of luck

Lisha

The one thing that stood out for me in your thread is that you feel your bf treats people incl yourself badly.

So why are you with him?

I get the sense that she is his 'one they got away'

You are not her. You being like her won't make your relationship better.

Likewise you don't need her to tell you that your life would be easier/happier without him.

Live life to your own rules.
Figure out if you want to be with him or not,

Be happy OP

Stavro Mueller

Aside from the idea being a terrible one, I can't see what it'd achieve. If she turns out to be a goddess walking this earth it's going to wreck your head. If she's nothing out of the ordinary, again it's going to plague your thoughts. If you and your boyfriend have issues, it's up to you to solve them. Leave her out of it.

Monkey09

Chara1001 wrote: »

Having said that, i know exactly how you feel. I had an awful relationship with an ex, and i would have LOVED to have met his exes (the longer term ones anyway. I would have loved to have known if their relationship with him had parallels with mine. I would have LOVED to pick their brains, but it could never happen. I just want to move on now but don't stay with someone who treats you badly, you don't need reassurance from his exes that it's ok to leave him.

You need to deal with your issues yourselves.

But best of luck

Chara,
You hit the nail on the head. I am very aware that this is a very odd issue and I am not some weird person who gets a kick out of stalking others. When I posted this thread, I wasn't sure what answers I would receive but you seemed to have put into words what I couldn't. I am just so curious as to what experiences she had with my boyfriend and what ultimately drove her away. She dumped my boyfriend for another man who was almost 20 years older than her so that was a pretty big move to make.

Another thing that draws me to her is that I seem to have a lot in common with her personality wise. I just find myself being very curious about her in general.

I have seen pictures of this girl. She really is quite average looking to be honest so it's not that I feel like I could never quite live up to her. I am just interested in her as a person since she was in a 2-year relationship with my boyfriend.

CaraMay

You are interested in her as a person because she was in a two year relationship with your bf? Seriously op, things must be very bad if you need to meet his ex to confirm the fact that he treats people like crap.

Maybe she didn't make a big leap age wise, maybe she mad a leap from some who treated her like crap to someone who treated her well.

This is one of the more disturbing threads I have read in ages.

Chara1001

Hi monkey09,

To be honest, i was only being facetious when mentioning the stalker factor, some of your posts in the past have stood out to me as i thought you'd offered very sound advice, so i wasn't thinking 'weirdo' when i read your op.

In my case, my relationship turned very strange and messed up after a while, i couldn't put it into words what was happening at the time but i was being treated extremely badly. I knew I couldn't contact his exes but i was dying to. I felt as though i needed to find out if this was a repeating pattern as i didn't trust my own judgement anymore, and sometimes i wonder now will this happen with his future girlfriends.

If you feel similar- i mean as though you can't trust your own judgement and if you're being undermined, your gut instinct is more than likely right. This girl might have done exactly what caramay suggested- left someone who treated her badly for someone who didn't.

I won't ask for any details, but if something feels wrong, it generally is.

For what its worth, i still have the feeling like i had a narrow escape.

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

You are interested in her as a person because she was in a two year relationship with your bf? Seriously op, things must be very bad if you need to meet his ex to confirm the fact that he treats people like crap.

Maybe she didn't make a big leap age wise, maybe she mad a leap from some who treated her like crap to someone who treated her well.

This is one of the more disturbing threads I have read in ages.

Jesus that's really harsh. I think OP seems like quite a level-headed person who is going through some difficulty. Nowhere is she contemplating anything disturbing like stalking the ex girlfriend, all she's asking is why she's feeling like this and if anyone else has been in the same situation.


OP I don't think what you're feeling is unnatural at all. I can imagine you feel insecure when people talk about the ex and how great she was, and the fact that she was a big love for your bf. You're curious about what sort of person she was, that's absolutely fine. It's obvious you're not going to go to any sort of measures to try and manipulate a meeting, but it's a fantasy that's playing over in your head.

I have an ex who had a relationship of 7 years before he was with me. My bf had very low confidence when I met him and a lot of issues surrounding women. Over time it came out that his ex was the cause of all this. I regularly thought that I'd love to accidentally meet her one day, because I'd love to see what kind of person could treat my bf so badly.

As other people have said, the important thing right now is to address the problems in your relationship. The thoughts you're having are perfectly ok, as long as you don't act on them.

Jessica xxx

Bad move im afraid OP. If you meet with her or even speak with her on the quiet, chances are your BF will eventually find out and will hit the f**king roof!!! That will then kick off world war 2 between you guys. I doubt many men would like there X GF's dishing the dirt to their current GF's.
Only my opinion, but, id steer well clear if i were you, as by the sounds of it you dont need the hassle and conflict that it could potentially bring your way!!!

Good luck

Idle Passerby

I developed a very similar desire to meet the ex of a guy I went out with years ago. After we broke up I realised I had wanted to meet her because I felt the guy I was with was still hung up on her to some degree and he wasn't telling me the truth about many things.

Basically I felt like since he wasn't telling me what was going on, maybe a chat with his ex could fill me in. I'm glad I never tried to get in touch with her. Whatever relationship they had was nothing to do with me and the relationship I had with him was nothing to do with her, nor I'm sure would she have had any interest in helping his new girlfriend have a better relationship with him.

At the end of the day, I was in an unhappy relationship, grasping at straws about how to fix it. That may not be the case with you but If I were you Id ask myself what is it you think talking to his ex can achieve, and if it takes involving exes to fix a relationship thats not a good sign at all.

Stavro Mueller

Would it be fair to say that you want to meet the ex because you sense there's something not right with your own relationship? What's making me curious is the part of your first post where you mentioned his over-reaction to something and that he sometimes doesn't treat people very well. You then went on to say the ex had broken up because of a similar issue... Is this troubling you? Does a part of you want to sit down with the ex and ask her about these?

What I'm also getting the impression of is that you've got doubts as to whether he's truly over her. You said the pair of you appear to be very alike in terms of personalities. Does that worry you a little as well as intriguing you?

After your updates and Chara's interpretation, I think I understand better why you want to meet her. I don't think it's not going to help you find your answers though.

Monkey09

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Lisha wrote: »

The one thing that stood out for me in your thread is that you feel your bf treats people incl yourself badly.

So why are you with him?

I get the sense that she is his 'one they got away'

You are not her. You being like her won't make your relationship better.

Likewise you don't need her to tell you that your life would be easier/happier without him.

Live life to your own rules.
Figure out if you want to be with him or not,

Be happy OP

Hi Lisha,
Thanks for your reply. Every time there is a situation where I've felt he has acted unreasonably, I ask myself - why am I with him? The answer is that I love him. When we first met and started dating, he was kind to me and helped me with a lot of things that were going on in my life. He was there for me. Admittedly, this has diminished as the relationship continued and there have been many times where I was left feeling that he has "let me down" at a time when I needed him the most.

The reason I haven't ended the relationship is that I convince myself that maybe it is me who is being unreasonable. Maybe I am expecting too much of him. And there's no one or relationship that is 100% perfect in every way.

To be honest, I don't know where my interest in meeting him Ex has stemmed from. One or two family members have mentioned to me (in confidence) that my bf didn't treat her very well in the sense that he was quite demanding and wasn't very considerate of her. I guess I would have the same concerns so this increases my desire to have some kind of connection with her.

I have absolutely no interest in becoming her or making myself like her in any way (although I believe we are very similar as people and have the same qualities).

Monkey09

CaraMay wrote: »

You are interested in her as a person because she was in a two year relationship with your bf? Seriously op, things must be very bad if you need to meet his ex to confirm the fact that he treats people like crap.

Maybe she didn't make a big leap age wise, maybe she mad a leap from some who treated her like crap to someone who treated her well.

This is one of the more disturbing threads I have read in ages.

CaraMay,
Thanks for your response. I think it is a little drastic to call this issue disturbing. I am aware it is unusual, but I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world to ever experience something like this...

You are right. Some family members and friends have confirmed that my bf didn't treat her very well and he never deserved her because she was such a lovely girl.

However, if I met someone else tomorrow who I really liked, but there was an age difference of almost 20 years between us - I don't think I'd dump my bf in order to be with him. That's just me though. I have heard from some people that the Ex's husband is a great guy and is so loving towards his now wife.

I think my problem is that this is only my second relationship so I am very inexperienced when it comes to these things. My first relationship ended because we were at very different stages of our life and just have completely different goals at that time. While I knew it was for the best, it took me a while to get over it.

I know I would go through the same thing if the realtionship with my current bf were to end. It's not like I have fallen out of love with my bf. I do love him, but there are some aspects of his personality that concern me. I don't think I trust my own judgment to end the relationship and I fear I would regret it down the road. I keep telling myself that no relationship/person is perfect and it is up to the people involved to make it work despite the other's faults. Is this wrong?

Monkey09

Chara1001 wrote: »

Hi monkey09,

To be honest, i was only being facetious when mentioning the stalker factor, some of your posts in the past have stood out to me as i thought you'd offered very sound advice, so i wasn't thinking 'weirdo' when i read your op.

In my case, my relationship turned very strange and messed up after a while, i couldn't put it into words what was happening at the time but i was being treated extremely badly. I knew I couldn't contact his exes but i was dying to. I felt as though i needed to find out if this was a repeating pattern as i didn't trust my own judgement anymore, and sometimes i wonder now will this happen with his future girlfriends.

If you feel similar- i mean as though you can't trust your own judgement and if you're being undermined, your gut instinct is more than likely right. This girl might have done exactly what caramay suggested- left someone who treated her badly for someone who didn't.

I won't ask for any details, but if something feels wrong, it generally is.

For what its worth, i still have the feeling like i had a narrow escape.

Hi Chara,
Thanks again for your reply and for noting that I am not some kind of weirdo. You are right in that I usually am a very balanced and level-headed person but unfortunately this is an issue that has arisen for me.

Thank you also for refering to one of your past relationships where you realise now that you were being treated extremely badly, but didn't notice at the time. Would you mind giving me some idea as to how you were being treated badly?

It would take A LOT for me to believe that I was being treated badly by someone or to have a negative view of a person. I guess that's just my personality or how I was brought up - to give people the benefit of the doubt and that we all make mistakes.

Like I have said before, there have been instances where I felt my bf wasn't being fair/reasonable but I just can't bring myself to believe that therefore he is a bad person and that it is worth ending the relationship over.

Monkey09

ibarelycare wrote: »

Jesus that's really harsh. I think OP seems like quite a level-headed person who is going through some difficulty. Nowhere is she contemplating anything disturbing like stalking the ex girlfriend, all she's asking is why she's feeling like this and if anyone else has been in the same situation.


OP I don't think what you're feeling is unnatural at all. I can imagine you feel insecure when people talk about the ex and how great she was, and the fact that she was a big love for your bf. You're curious about what sort of person she was, that's absolutely fine. It's obvious you're not going to go to any sort of measures to try and manipulate a meeting, but it's a fantasy that's playing over in your head.

I have an ex who had a relationship of 7 years before he was with me. My bf had very low confidence when I met him and a lot of issues surrounding women. Over time it came out that his ex was the cause of all this. I regularly thought that I'd love to accidentally meet her one day, because I'd love to see what kind of person could treat my bf so badly.

As other people have said, the important thing right now is to address the problems in your relationship. The thoughts you're having are perfectly ok, as long as you don't act on them.

Thanks for your response ibarelycare,
Saying that I am curious is a great way of putting it - thank you! The best way I have of describing is that in that same way as someone could have a desire to meet a particular celebrity, I have a desire to meet his Ex. From what I hear, she was a really lovely person and would not have it in her to hurt anyone. Yet, she did hurt my bf by leaving him. I am just curious about her as a person. Like I said before, I think we are similar as people. But she had the strength to end it with my bf - which is something that I don't have the strength to do. I am curious if it was the case that she just woke up one morning and just didn't love him anymore or if the other guy treated her better and decided to give things a go with him even though she still loved my boyfriend? Because that's the situation I'm in - I love my boyfriend but I don't think he treats me very well but I'm questioning if that's a good enough reason to end something which is otherwise good. He really isn't a bad person after all.

Monkey09

cymbaline wrote: »

Would it be fair to say that you want to meet the ex because you sense there's something not right with your own relationship? What's making me curious is the part of your first post where you mentioned his over-reaction to something and that he sometimes doesn't treat people very well. You then went on to say the ex had broken up because of a similar issue... Is this troubling you? Does a part of you want to sit down with the ex and ask her about these?

What I'm also getting the impression of is that you've got doubts as to whether he's truly over her. You said the pair of you appear to be very alike in terms of personalities. Does that worry you a little as well as intriguing you?

After your updates and Chara's interpretation, I think I understand better why you want to meet her. I don't think it's not going to help you find your answers though.

cymbalines,
Yes that's true, sometimes he can be unreasonable and been quite unfair but is this enough to end the relationship? From what I am told, the Ex broke up with him because she didn't feel he was nice to her and didn't treat her how she felt a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend. Yes, I suppose I would like to hear her story as it would help to address some of my concerns - but I know I could never sit down and initiate a conversation with her. For whatever reason, I would just like to meet her casually, but I would never engage her in a conversation about my boyfriend. Admitedly, I would love to discuss this but I know that would not happen.

You're right, the fact that myself and the Ex have similarities does intrigue me. She seemed to be a kind-hearted, decent, and warm person. She doesn't seem to be the sort of person who would hurt someone - but she did by ending her relationship with my boyfriend and starting a relationship with a man almost 20 years older. Similarly, I would have difficulties doing something which I know would hurt someone. In order to do this, the person would have to do something particularly serious which would cause me to stop loving them. For eg. was abusive in some way. My bf has done and said things that I am not happy about, but they are not serious enough to make me stop loving him..

CaraMay

Op you sound like a lovely girl. I feel that the reason you want to have a connection with her is because she is the one who called your bf on his bad behavior and dumped him for it. I think you are wondering if he treated her worse than you and how mad exactly. Are you trying to understand why you don't want to walk away from him even though he behaves do badly sometimes .

Am not sure if in making sense. You are not weird of course but its not really normal to have such a fascination with someone's ex.

Monkey09

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you sound like a lovely girl. I feel that the reason you want to have a connection with her is because she is the one who called your bf on his bad behavior and dumped him for it. I think you are wondering if he treated her worse than you and how mad exactly. Are you trying to understand why you don't want to walk away from him even though he behaves do badly sometimes .

Am not sure if in making sense. You are not weird of course but its not really normal to have such a fascination with someone's ex.

CaraMay,
Yes, I am curious about the type of person she was, her relationship with my boyfriend and what exactly made her end it. My bf is a good person but like anyone else, he has his faults. I'm sure her husband isn't without his faults aswell, but she decided to marry him in the end. The reason I am not walking away from him is that I still love him. He hasn't done anything which has made me stop loving him. Is it usual to end a relationship with someone you still love?

I am not obsessed with his Ex. Yes - I am interested in her because we have many things in common even though we don't know each other. Presumably, she has been through what I am going through now. It's often the case that people often have a desire to communicate with others they have something in common with (eg. people who have been diagnosed with a particular illness, or suffered a bereavement..) I know my situation is not like the examples I gave, but I am also trying to understand my reasons for wanting to meet her.

Stavro Mueller

Monkey09 wrote: »

cymbaline,
Yes that's true, sometimes he can be unreasonable and been quite unfair but is this enough to end the relationship? From what I am told, the Ex broke up with him because she didn't feel he was nice to her and didn't treat her how she felt a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend. ..

As you've rightly mentioned in this thread, no relationship is perfect. How much of the bad stuff any person's willing to put up with varies from person to person. And maybe what annoyed the Ex wouldn't annoy you? She might also be more demanding than what you've been led to believe. These things can be quite complex. Besides, only you can decide whether his unreasonableness and unfairness is something you can either put up with, try to tackle or walk away from.

Monkey09 wrote: »

You're right, the fact that myself and the Ex have similarities does intrigue me. She seemed to be a kind-hearted, decent, and warm person. She doesn't seem to be the sort of person who would hurt someone - but she did by ending her relationship with my boyfriend and starting a relationship with a man almost 20 years older.

I don't quite get your logic here. Nice people dump their partners all the time for all sorts of perfectly valid reasons. You can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs.

Monkey09 wrote: »

Similarly, I would have difficulties doing something which I know would hurt someone. In order to do this, the person would have to do something particularly serious which would cause me to stop loving them. For e.g. was abusive in some way. My bf has done and said things that I am not happy about, but they are not serious enough to make me stop loving him.

Just because that's the way you operate doesn't mean that's the way others do too. It could be something as simple as the Ex falling out of love with her boyfriend? Or that she met the man who was to become her husband and felt a spark that was missing from her own relationship?

Incidentally, have you tried talking to your boyfriend about these things that you didn't like?

Monkey09

cymbaline wrote: »

As you've rightly mentioned in this thread, no relationship is perfect. How much of the bad stuff any person's willing to put up with varies from person to person. And maybe what annoyed the Ex wouldn't annoy you? She might also be more demanding than what you've been led to believe. These things can be quite complex. Besides, only you can decide whether his unreasonableness and unfairness is something you can either put up with, try to tackle or walk away from.



I don't quite get your logic here. Nice people dump their partners all the time for all sorts of perfectly valid reasons. You can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs.



Just because that's the way you operate doesn't mean that's the way others do too. It could be something as simple as the Ex falling out of love with her boyfriend? Or that she met the man who was to become her husband and felt a spark that was missing from her own relationship?

Incidentally, have you tried talking to your boyfriend about these things that you didn't like?

Yes, I have spoken to him on a few different occassions about concerns that I have. I haven't told him straight out that these issues are causing me to have concerns about out relationship though. Each time, he gets agrivated and annoyed and always tries to put the blame on me. I often acknowledge a situation where I could have done things differently (where I honestly believe this to be the case) but he has never once accepted that he did anything wrong.

Stavro Mueller

Monkey09 wrote: »

Yes, I have spoken to him on a few different occasions about concerns that I have. I haven't told him straight out that these issues are causing me to have concerns about out relationship though. Each time, he gets aggravated and annoyed and always tries to put the blame on me. I often acknowledge a situation where I could have done things differently (where I honestly believe this to be the case) but he has never once accepted that he did anything wrong.

You've every right to be concerned about this. If you're not happy with how things are and you don't feel he will change, you have every right to turn on your heel and walk. Some people are prepared to put up with it, certainly, but others would leave. If this is why your boyfriend's ex left, then it's a very valid reason. Would you really think twice about hurting someone's feelings (as per your logic) if you're with someone who you feel is a bit of a bully and always turns things back on you?

Big Bag of Chips

Are you happy in your relationship? All relationships have their problems, but it's up to each of us individually to decide what we are happy with.

You say that his ex was, by all accounts, a really lovely girl, and you can't believe how she could break the heart of your bf (who you obviously love very much). Well maybe she didn't love him as much as you do? Maybe she wasn't as happy as you are in the relationship. Was she supposed to stay in a relationship that she was unhappy in, just to spare HIS feelings? People tend not to change all that much, so he probably acted around her, much the same as he does around you. Maybe she brought up the same issues she had with him, and didn't like how he turned everything back on her and made it her fault. She probably decided she was a young girl, with a lot of life ahead of her, and didn't need to spend it tip-toeing around a moody bf.

Everyone is different. She couldn't continue the relationship... You can. And aren't you lucky she finished with him? Because that meant he became available to go out with others... You!

I understand why you are curious about her. And I don't think you really mean you actually want to meet her. But you need to stop focusing on her. As others have said, there are problems in your relationship. Focus on them rather than her.

Btw.... Why have you never told him that his carry on is affecting you and your relationship? Are you sparing his feelings? That's nice, and admirable in a relationship - once it works both ways. He's not giving you the same consideration. And unless you point it out to him, without allowing him to distract you by getting in a strop, then he will never know.