Not happy in life, don't know where to start

LegacyUser

Hi to anyone reading this. The thought of putting all my emotions out for people to see (albeit on a message board through typing on a keyboard) is daunting to me. I come from a background where no one discusses their problems, my family is extremely dysfunctional. I feel isolated and alone, I feel like I can't share these things with my friends or family and I've reached breaking point. I'm 22 years old and I have a plethora of problems, hangups, insecurities, and things I want to change. I realize life is too short, and I'm not getting any younger.

To cut a long story short, I'm 22 and live at home with my younger brother (21) and sister (17). My mother is a chronic alcoholic and over the last 4 years the family has struggled with her addiction, and basically most of the family has disbanded and doesn't bother with us. This takes an emotional toll on me, on its own It's just us fending for ourselves. As eldest, I give the most money towards bills, shopping, and general upkeep. My mother has racked up thousands in debt because of her addiction, and we're just finished paying arrears off ESB. We barely scrape by every week. While this isn't an ideal situation, I know I'm better off than most. The trouble is, I have no intention of staying in that home after next year. I've been putting blood, sweat and tears (quite literally) for my mother's problem, for the house, and I feel like I have no life with it. I got a place in college but deferred it until next year through the CAO because I want to sort out stuff at home, and with myself, before I go next year

The problem is that, I want to move out for college next year. This is causing problems because I hand up the most at home, my brother is unemployed and looking for work, and my sister next year will be in college too, on a student grant. My father (who doesn't live at home and doesn't help us financially) is complaining because he's saying I am "abandoning" everything and "running away" when I've been bearing the brunt of it for the last years!! I am on the verge of having panic attacks and emotional breakdowns when I think about it. End of my tether. It's having too much of a strain on me. I want to move out next year for college and live up there, and meet new people, do something new with life and have fun and do my own thing, but no, apparently it's not good enough and I'm not going to be let? Can't take this much more I'm 22, I'm in the prime of my life and I want to reach my potential, but I feel like I just can't, and I'm not even being selfish, I've been nothing but selfless the last few weeks!

Now, secondly, apart from family problems, I have so many hangups about myself. I'm 22, and I have 0, yes...0 experience with girls. I had my first kiss at 18, and it didn't really count, was just some random drunk person and I didn't enjoy it. I'm a virgin, and this doesn't make me feel good about myself. I was bullied in school for this extremely harshly, and it's made me feel terrible about myself. I have problems with my weight and my self esteem. I'm 17 stone and feel my idea weight should be around 13 stone. I feel, worthless. I feel pathetic. Like, no one's ever looked at me or seen me as attractive, I look at myself and I hate what I see, I see a fat idiot who has no experience with the opposite sex, and I want to change that so badly! I've been called handsome by girls before, and people have said I'm handsome, I've had people remark that if I lost weight I'd be very attractive, and this makes me feel good, but my negative thoughts outweigh my positive ones I've tried to lose weight before, but I never seen any progress despite trying my very best I want to change, I don't know where to start I think I'm funny and have been called funny by people, and I think I'm outgoing personality wise (funnily enough given my negative attitude) and good to be around. I have confidence in myself, but just not because of my looks.

Every day I wake up, and I don't want to get up. I don't want to drag myself into the bathroom where I have to see my ugly face in the mirror. I obsess non stop, about life, what my future is going to be, when this nightmare is going to end. I just want to live. Right now, I have barely any social interaction, rarely see friends, and when I do, it's just boring, monotonous stuff. I can count my social circle on one hand. I want to have a lot of friends and a lot of social interactions. I want to change my whole way of life but I don't know how. I tell myself "things need to change, this isn't good enough!", and I know I HAVE to change, but I never do anything! I want to get up and go, but I never know where to start! It all seems so daunting, I don't wanna be stuck in my bedroom all my life, never going anywhere. I have goals and plans in life I want to achieve, but I don't think I can because of family problems and all my responsibilities I feel held back and like a prisoner of circumstance. It's not fair and I think I'm entitled to my own happiness at this stage Sick of seeing and hearing about people going out, having fun, partying, meeting girls, having girlfriends etc, just having fun and being happy. I feel like I'm still at the starting line, no experience with girls, ugly, no attention from opposite sex, just feel like I'm not socially adept, if that makes sense, and I want to change all of what I can

Thanks for reading

Mayboy

Hey, what can i say. Sometimes the most appalling suffering in life, because of where or who we are born to. Without sounding trite I want you to really re-read the post and see how resilient, strong and resourceful you are. You are UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING. Yes, the situation is **** but you have survived it, it will have left it's scars no doubt. I really hope that you can rescue yourself from this situation - the best you can do for yourself is to get out. Your mum will have to resource herself. YOur dad - well..it's convenient for him to have you in your role but my bets are that he's scared because you are not taking taking this stuff anymore, you are going to truly rattle the family dynamic when you rock on out of there, taking with you your self esteem that you will re-build.

I hope and wish you can imagine a better life for yourself. Again, i think you are amazing. Can you move out and work for a year. The weight: after this you'll be able to do anything. Good luck: Get out, job, counseling, college, career = happy life. Good luck.

hey, i think you got very good advise in the last thread that you posted.

look OP, you have had a really sh*t time, but you can change things.
like i said before, you are of an age that you can go to college and claim for school going siblings if you are looking after them.

i think what you should have in your view is in two or three years when you, your brother and your sister can share a house between ye and not depend on anyone else.

you got very good advise on the last thread.
chat with your siblings, ye can do it at this stage of your life.