Boyfriend is too shy in bed

LegacyUser

Ok so, the title says it all really!
Myself and my boyfriend are both 23 and we have been together for a year and 3 months now. I love him to bits and I'm pretty confident he feels the same way. He is the nicest, sweetest guy I've ever been with and everything out of the bedroom is fantastic.

He is really inexperienced sexually. He told me that he only ever had sex twice before we got together. I had been in a three year relationship and have had a good few sexual encounters outside of that as well so I was more experienced than him getting into this relationship.

He never initiates sex unless he's had a few drinks. Sober, he always waits for me to make the first move even though I know he wants it!
He never takes the lead when we are in bed, absolutely everything is left up to me. He's not lazy or selfish but he waits for me to direct him for everything or else he doesn't do anything.

He is also very reserved, he's very quiet in bed and he's not even comfortable talking about sex outside of the bedroom.

The thing is I would really like for him to take the lead and I've tried talking to him about it but I made him feel even more awkward.

I really don't know how to bring this up and his behaviour is starting to make me feel self conscious and awkward in the bedroom as well. I really don't want to pressure him or do anything to make him feel uncomfortable.

I don't know how to make things better, not worse. Help!

desbrook

I was going to write "does he think it's a problem ?" , I then realised this isn't really the nub of it - it's "is all this a problem FOR HIM ?"

I fear OP that it's not , that he's happy as things are . Maybe to him you are the problem . Think of it this way- could he possibly write to this forum complaining that his gf nagging him for sex and making him feel self-conscious talking about it in inappropriate places . Could he complain that he feels pressurised to drink so he'll act in a certain way with you and drink is the only thing that makes it bearable for him ?

In short I'm saying OP that if you hope he will change this or any behaviour to suit you alone you may well be disappointed . His chances of changing a behaviour because he really thinks it needs changing himself will be much greater .

heretochat

I think it will be hard to make him change his sexual behaviour as well if he is not comfortable in doing so..

he may try to do so to keep you satisfied but he may feel nothing more than awkward and self-conscious in doing so.. This in turn will only lead to further confidence issues and conflict with yourself..

The drinking before initiating intimate contact is a sure sign of this. In my opinion he does not feel comfortable wth you sexually and he knows there is a problem there. So along comes the dutch courage..

I'm not sure what you can do to be honest. Some partners are passive in bed and like to be conventional in love-making.. Maybe he is one of those..

LegacyUser

desbrook wrote: »

I was going to write "does he think it's a problem ?" , I then realised this isn't really the nub of it - it's "is all this a problem FOR HIM ?"

I fear OP that it's not , that he's happy as things are . Maybe to him you are the problem . Think of it this way- could he possibly write to this forum complaining that his gf nagging him for sex and making him feel self-conscious talking about it in inappropriate places . Could he complain that he feels pressurised to drink so he'll act in a certain way with you and drink is the only thing that makes it bearable for him ?

In short I'm saying OP that if you hope he will change this or any behaviour to suit you alone you may well be disappointed . His chances of changing a behaviour because he really thinks it needs changing himself will be much greater .

Thanks for your reply.
I never nag him for sex or talk about it in inappropriate places.
I don't think it's normal for a boyfriend to never initiate sex?
When I mentioned the drinking, well he doesn't drink that much, but he does get more confident with a few in him the odd time we are out together.
The problem is that he is too shy to take the lead, not that he doesn't want to at all.

beks101

I don't really see how anything can change without having a conversation with him tbh. The fact that he's not comfortable talking about sex kind of says it all - he's a bit more conservative about sex and not as sexually confident as you.

Maybe you should take it in small steps, as opposed to overwhelming him with a big conversation about how you want him to be more dominant and proactive. For example you could start testing the waters with some pillow talk. The next time you're in bed together, ask him what his biggest fantasy is, tell him yours. Tell him you want to try something new where he dominates you, see how that's taken. Maybe try some dirty talk and sexting and encourage him to do the same. Just get the subject out there, get him used to talking about it, and the more comfortable he gets with that, the more sexually confident he may become.

It is a "might" though. Maybe this is just the way he is and always will be. I dated a guy before who was a bit similar, didn't talk about sex outside the bedroom, barely responded to sexting, rarely manoeuvred out of the one or two conventional positions unless I took control. In the end sex became a bit dull to me, a bit of a chore, and our sexual incompatibility was one of the main reasons why we didn't last.

I guess you have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker, if it's something that he's unlikely to change about himself.

desbrook

Helpmehelp wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.
I never nag him for sex or talk about it in inappropriate places.
I don't think it's normal for a boyfriend to never initiate sex?
When I mentioned the drinking, well he doesn't drink that much, but he does get more confident with a few in him the odd time we are out together.
The problem is that he is too shy to take the lead, not that he doesn't want to at all.

Your reply shows you possibly missed my point but maybe I wasn't clear enough . What you think in all this is one thing - what he thinks may or may not be another . Its what he thinks that will decide whether he can changeor not . He must do it for himself . Your opinion is irrelavent .

You think you don't nag for sex but maybe to him you do . You think you don't talk about sex in inappropriate places or at inappropriate times but maybe to him you do . The answer lies with him alone and you can only find out by asking him . Not telling him you have a problem but asking is he okay with not initating sex for example .

The last line is very interesting because you say that he's too shy to take the lead not that he doesn't want to . How do you know? have you asked ?? and again is he happy with not taking the lead ?

strobe

I half agree with beks. Take it in small steps (but I don't think asking someone who is uncomfortable talking about sex at all, to explain what their biggest sexual fantasy is, and ask them to dominate you, is a good idea, probably just make him feel on the spot and even more awkward tbh.)

I've been in the same position as you OP, more than once. You do wanna take things in small steps. You also want to only ever be positive, never negative, as you are basically talking about a confidence issue here.

Make it about letting him know what he already does that you like, and that you'd like him to do it even more. "You know what really turns me on, the way you take charge sometimes in bed" , "I really love the way you make the first move sometimes, turns me on so much" etc, and then responding very positively whenever he does something along those lines.

You'll have to be patient too, don't expect to do this once and for him to change completely overnight. It’s a case of ongoing positive reinforcement being required. Letting him know what you like that he does and showing him how much you like it when he does it, until he's built up enough inner confidence to fully take the lead for himself.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here again. Thank you for your replies and advice.

I am actually starting to think that maybe as well as his confidence issues that he just doesn't want to do anything very exciting.
He seems to only want to have sex in 2-3 basic positions. His foreplay/ sex routine is the exact same every time. He doesn't like to talk dirty or do anything very "wild" or spontaneous at all.
I actually remember him saying a while back that he thought anal sex was unnatural and disgusting. Now I'm not into that either really but I'd actually never heard of such an extreme reaction to it.
I feel a bit put out to be honest. He never notices if I wear nice, sexy underwear for him etc. He never seems to be mad to have sex with me in a rip your clothes off kind of way, even if we haven't seen each other in a while. I know I certainly feel like that when I'm with someone I really fancy.
Over the summer we were on a weekend away at a hotel. On one of the nights after a few drinks, I asked him to do something slightly kinky (nothing mad or anything) and he looked at me like I had two heads. The evenings activities ended there.
The other day, I went over to his after college and we started kissing on the couch and I thought he was enjoying it so I said I was going to warm up the bed and said he could follow me if he wanted. I made it very obvious what I was up to.
I was actually shocked when I heard him go off on the phone to his friend instead. He then wandered up to his room about 15 minutes later and sat on the edge of the bed (that I was in) and proceeded to text for another 10- 15 minutes. At this stage I just made my excuses and got up and left.

I feel a bit rejected, it's like he doesn't even fancy me at all, even though he also tells me he loves me and is sweet in every other way outside the bedroom. I don't know what to do to be honest, my sex life is totally not fulfilling at the moment. I only 23, I want things to be good at this stage of my life, I feel like I don't even want to make an effort anymore.

heretochat

Sounds like you are very incompatible sexually.. He just does not seem to be into the things that you are..

So you must make a decision as to whether you can live with this and stay with him.

lukesmom

Your only together 3 months so this is normally the honeymoon period where people are at it like rabbits, can't get enough of each other. Sounds like you have a higher sex drive and are more confident in the bed than him. I'm sorry but I'd find this very frustrating, others mightn't. I would be looking for a partner that I was sexually compatible with.

ted1

TBH you sound like your wasted on him. At 23 you should be having your BF ravish you. Especially as you seem to have a good sex drive.

I can't see things getting any better. You need to decide what you want , him or a satisfying sex life because at the moment the two are mutually exclusive.

Czarcasm

Helpmehelp wrote: »

I feel a bit rejected, it's like he doesn't even fancy me at all, even though he also tells me he loves me and is sweet in every other way outside the bedroom. I don't know what to do to be honest, my sex life is totally not fulfilling at the moment. I only 23, I want things to be good at this stage of my life, I feel like I don't even want to make an effort anymore.

OP that's just too much, I mean, you're making all the effort, and your boyfriend almost seems to want to try and avoid sex. I don't think it's anything against you personally, I think it's just his own complete lack of interest in sex tbh. I couldn't see him changing with all the talking in the world, I think it's horribly inattentive and immature tbh that he's choosing to ignore the problem and hope it'll go away almost.

As you say OP you're 23, you're not like some middle aged old married couple trying to spice up your flagging sex life, this one hasn't even gotten off the starting blocks! I know you love him and all, but it's not just the lack of sex in this instance, it's lack of any interest in sex, and his completely ignoring any efforts you make to try the softly softly approach with him.

He's either completely clueless, or doing it on purpose, and I have my suspicions it'd be more of the latter than the former.

ivytwine

Agree, you just sound incompatible. I would have suggested picking up a copy of Cosmo or an Anne Summers guide and having the craic with it, but he'd probably not see the funny side.

As Cara May said you're only 23, you should be having fun. You don't need to be cast as some sex-crazed weirdo for having sexual desire.

I don't know what his issue is, whether he has a low sex-drive or there's something deeper going on, but you do need to talk to him about it. Or else just run. Twenties are the time for fun, not living out some cliched middle-aged marriage nightmare.

lukesmom

Leave him is my advice cruel but kind. Go out and find a man to satisfy your sexual needs and desires. Otherwise you may buy a dildo but its not the same is it? You need a hot blooded man with a high sex drive like yours. There are plenty of them out there

Faith

Is there any chance he's gay and in denial? I didn't think it until you mentioned that he's so strongly against anal sex. As you say, it's not for everyone but his was a pretty strong reaction to the idea. On its own, that doesn't mean much, but when it's coupled with a complete lack of interest in sex or in you sexually, it rings alarm bells.

Either way, trust me: Do not stay in a relationship where you're not sexually compatible. It wears you down, you start to feel like a freak and a deviant, you'll start looking for ways to reduce your sex drive to match his... It won't end well . You're young and there's PLENTY of men out there who would treat you like a queen and ravish you as much as you like .

freshpopcorn

I just think ye're have different idea's about a sexual relationship aNd neither of ye are wrong. Some people have a higher sex drive than others and they like to try new things. Whilst other people then might like to take things a bit slower and aren't into wilder things.

osarusan

lukesmom wrote: »

Leave him is my advice cruel but kind. Go out and find a man to satisfy your sexual needs and desires. Otherwise you may buy a dildo but its not the same is it? You need a hot blooded man with a high sex drive like yours. There are plenty of them out there

Leave him? Jus like that?I wouldn't agree with this.

How confident is he about his sexual performance? He is apparently pretty inexperienced, and the OP has had a few different partners, long and short term. Is it possible he's worried about measuring up (pardon the pun)? Spends his time thinking about whether he's doing it right, or if you're enjoying yourself as much as you did with others?

I can see how he might be nervous about trying new things with you, and feel a bit reassured by relying on routines (foreplay) that seem to have been 'successful' so far.

lukesmom

osarusan wrote: »

Leave him? Jus like that?I wouldn't agree with this.

How confident is he about his sexual performance? He is apparently pretty inexperienced, and the OP has had a few different partners, long and short term. Is it possible he's worried about measuring up (pardon the pun)? Spends his time thinking about whether he's doing it right, or if you're enjoying yourself as much as you did with others?

I can see how he might be nervous about trying new things with you, and feel a bit reassured by relying on routines (foreplay) that seem to have been 'successful' so far.

I would have thought after 15 months her frustrations would be enough to warrant breaking up. He has had more than enough time to get better with experience, especially since he is meant to love her. He obviously doesn't like sex as much as she does and this would be a deal breaker for me.

Czarcasm

osarusan wrote: »

Leave him? Jus like that?I wouldn't agree with this.

How confident is he about his sexual performance? He is apparently pretty inexperienced, and the OP has had a few different partners, long and short term. Is it possible he's worried about measuring up (pardon the pun)? Spends his time thinking about whether he's doing it right, or if you're enjoying yourself as much as you did with others?

I can see how he might be nervous about trying new things with you, and feel a bit reassured by relying on routines (foreplay) that seem to have been 'successful' so far.

I see where you're coming from osarusan, but when the OP is stopping just shy of a placard on her head stating she would like some intimacy with her boyfriend, and he's displaying signs that he has some serious hang ups about being intimate, it's hardly fair to expect a 23 year old to have to put up with that sort of behaviour for another month, let alone another year. I mean, if this is a typical example of his behaviour-

Helpmehelp wrote: »

The other day, I went over to his after college and we started kissing on the couch and I thought he was enjoying it so I said I was going to warm up the bed and said he could follow me if he wanted. I made it very obvious what I was up to.
I was actually shocked when I heard him go off on the phone to his friend instead. He then wandered up to his room about 15 minutes later and sat on the edge of the bed (that I was in) and proceeded to text for another 10- 15 minutes. At this stage I just made my excuses and got up and left.

There's clearly no such thing as compromise or understanding on her boyfriends mind either. I think a year and three months is a years more patience than should've been necessary, and even then her boyfriend doesn't seem like he is open to anything beyond his own set routine, almost as if sex means nothing to him and the OP is just "there".

53 and married 20 years you might understand how the OP might not want to leave, but at 23 and no commitments, it should hardly be up to the OP to help this guy through his issues when he makes little or no effort himself.

seosamh1980

This sounds just like my ex...and this is why it ended. I couldn't deal with it any more, being made to feel unattractive, bored, boring, baffled, unloved. Do yourself a favour and don't waste 4 years like I did.

freshpopcorn

He might just like a bit of vanilla sex (imo) and you want more. So it might be hard for it to work because his idea of having a loving relationship is different to yours.

lukesmom

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He might just like a bit of vanilla sex (imo) and you want more. So it might be hard for it to work because his idea of having a loving relationship is different to yours.

What's vanilla sex

heretochat

lukesmom wrote: »

What's vanilla sex

Plain regular sex with not a hint of kink..

osarusan

Czarcasm wrote: »

I see where you're coming from osarusan, but when the OP is stopping just shy of a placard on her head stating she would like some intimacy with her boyfriend

On this thread she's been clear about her frustration, but has also mentioned that she has been very careful not to say or do anything that would embarrass him.
I just wonder if the OP's boyfriend fully understands the extent of the OP's problem, or whether the OP has tried to solve it without ever making him aware that it was a problem. That's the impression I've got from her posts.