Help with life...this cannot continue the way it is

joythatisall

Hi,

I'm new to this. I just joined boards.ie to try and get some help. I will try and explain as best I can and apologies in advance for it being long.

I'm gay, but it is not as black and white as it seems. I'm nearly 25, All my life I have known this and from a very early age I trained myself and I suppose I became an actor or a liar you could call it. I trained myself how to act around certain situations, if the word "gay" came up I would have a good answer to make sure everyone thought I was straight, I learned to pretend, I have spent the past 25 years denying myself, constantly trying to change, constantly trying to hide everything from the world.

Don't get me wrong there have been good times, but a lot of it was not true happiness, it was all just trying to be what everyone thought I should be. I didn't have a lot of friends at primary school, and not really any in Secondary, there were friends, people I hung around with at school, but never anyone who came to my house, and I suppose I was happy to keep everyone at arms length. So I suppose I turned myself into a friend.

Through my teens I was ok, I could keep it to the back of my mind and not worry about it at that time, but I always new this time in my life would come when people would start wondering, why doesn't he have a girlfriend etc. So now it is in the forefront of my mind constantly, and has been for the past few years, especially this past 12 months.

It is the first thing I think about in the morning.....and the last thing I think about at night. I blurted it out to someone (a very good trustworthy woman friend) when I was drunk, that was very alarming when I woke up the next day, but I was reassured. A few weeks later I told one of the boys (drunk again), who I wouldn't be particularly close to, and I was very angry with myself, but I eventually got over that aswell. The next day after telling the boy, I decided that I was going to go home and tell my mother. Which I did, and she was supportive of course and shocked, she grieved and finally understood why I was so unhappy all these years. She could never put her finger on why I was unhappy and sad. I was always so careful even when drunk never ever to let it slip that im gay to anyone - never. My brother and 2 other friends know now aswell, but I am determined to keep it at that.

Fastforward a couple of months later to now - I do not feel any better for having told anyone. I no longer feel comfortable with anyone (people who don't even know about me being gay) nor myself. I dread going to work everyday, going out with my friends no longer appeals to me. I just don't think its worth the effort anymore. I am grieving I suppose in a way for the life I will never have. I always think there was 2 people in this, me - the actor, and me - my real self, and I'm angry that I made this decision to end his life the way it was, when he never made that decision, I decided, that I had had enough and as a result, he ends. I feel I am losing control over this as it was something I had promised myself never to reveal to anyone and that I am disappointed about.

I want to get married and have kids like everyone else, and not have to be the one that everyone looks at and they automatically think he's the gay one. I am afraid to meet new people as I will have to lie again, especially men, as when they start talking about football or something and I will yet again have to be the odd one out. At work I distance myself from everyone, I do not want to make friends as it's too much effort, I go to lunch alone, it's safer.

I am now thinking how pointless life is, as I will end up alone and most probably suicide will be my last option, because I cannot continue this torment every single day of my life for the years ahead. I always say to myself "snap out of it, there are people sick, you are so lucky". I do try.

This is so hard, I just want to be happy, I don't want the world. I need to find away to move past this as I don't want to spend all my young years feeling utterly depressed. I try to be positive, but I keep getting dragged down and yes I do understand that the only person that is doing it is - me.

I am sorry for this being so long, but this is the only time I've been able to explain things fully and properly - thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

I know there is something out there for me, something good.

Roselm

I just wanted to reply to offer you some support.
I really hope you're ok. You sound so sad and like you've lost hope.
I really think you should ask your GP for details of/ google supports for you-I don't know if you'd consider counselling etc? You sound like you are dealing with a lot on your own and that isn't good for anyone and sometimes if you spend too much time in your head it can seem to magnify your problems, I find.
I just wanted to offer you all the best. Don't give up-you can get there.

Faith

The unhappiness, as far as I can see, is stemming from your complete denial of who you are. Why are you remaining so firmly in the closet? Your family knows, which is a great step, but why are you keeping it from everybody else? By staying in the closet, you're telling yourself that somehow you're not good enough, that you can't reveal the real you.

Have you ever had a relationship? If you meet somebody, will you hide them away so nobody knows you're gay?

What do you feel will happen if you tell people you're gay? What negatives and what positives will come from it? What are you gaining by staying in the closet, versus what would you gain by coming out?

You haven't said why you're so determined not to come out. There's no shame in being gay!

Ultimately, I think you're unhappy because you're denying a major part of who you are. By doing that, day in day out, you're sending messages to yourself that you're not good enough. No wonder you're feeling down!

If you can't face this by yourself, then I strongly recommend counselling to help you face these issues. Best of luck with it .

When you say you want to get married and have kids, I'm assuming that you mean that you want to remain straight. The question you have to ask yourself is- is it worth the emotional damage that it is likely to do to you or whoever you end up with? It's not who you are and I think you're starting to realize this? Your family support you - this is an amazing thing and shows how loving they are. I've met a few gay people that quite simply did not have this, so you should realize how good it is. Boards does have an LGBT forum, which might be a good place to ask for advice? I am not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure they allow for anonymous posting, like this forum does. I'm sure there is someone that could confirm or deny that for me.

OP, be happy with who you are. Your unhappiness in your life has stemmed from you being in denial. To me, it is a pretty clear choice to make - go for the route that makes you happiest.

December2012

You should go and talk to a GP, you are processing a lot right now and there are a great number of things you could try to save yourself.

GP, medication (to help with the intensity), therapy (to help with your feelings and to make sense), LGBT support groups and social groups (for confidence and friendships).

You can still be married and have children with a man. Parenthood and love are still in your future. Everything is still in your future.

Merkin

joythatisall wrote: »

I want to get married and have kids like everyone else, and not have to be the one that everyone looks at and they automatically think he's the gay one. I am afraid to meet new people as I will have to lie again, especially men, as when they start talking about football or something and I will yet again have to be the odd one out. At work I distance myself from everyone, I do not want to make friends as it's too much effort, I go to lunch alone, it's safer.

Are you posting from rural Russia? Because if you're not, I really don't understand where your mentality is coming from. I do appreciate that coming out can be a frightening and very lonely journey for some people but you have essentially created a pitchfork-wielding crowd of toothless, violent yokels in your head who are going to tar and feather you for your sexuality. Just who exactly are you referring to? We all encounter homophobic people but more often than not it's down to sheer ignorance and when educated there is rarely malice behind it. Thankfully times are evolving and people are more accepting of others life choices.

You've come out to your family and to some friends. This is such a positive step. You now need to come out to you. YOU need to face up to who you are my dear. If you don't then you are going to continue to live a very sad and isolating life which nobody deserves. I think you would benefit enormously from posting on the LBGT forum which someone has kindly posted the link to. You also need to go for CBT and a good GP will be able to recommend someone.

You only have one life and it's what you make of it. You owe it to yourself to be happy and in order to do that you need to come to terms with who you are x

MissFlitworth

One way to look at this OP is that you cannot possibly be any more miserable than you sound now. You really don't have anything to lose by living as you are, as a gay man, and seeing how it goes for you. Reading the pure unhappiness that is leaking out of your post, I can't see how you could be any more unhappy. You'll either continue to be as unhappy as you currently are or you'll find a new life with love and an extension to your family in the form of the person you fall in love with and the family you create for yourselves. There isn't worse waiting for you.

Your idea of life as an 'out' gay person as a life alone followed by inevitable suicide is so far removed from the actual experience of the gay people in my life, some of whom have been happily coupled up for over 30 years.

Listen to what other people on the thread are saying to you, go get help. Talk to your doctor, talk to a counsellor, talk to other gay people and stop catastrophising this. Get help to get your head on properly because at the moment what it's telling you is flat out wrong.

boomchicawawa

Hi, you have poured you soul out onto your post and my heart goes out to you. I get the impression that you are somewhat conservative and have an over-riding urge to blend in and follow what your perceive to be a 'normal' path. Do you realise how many 'normal' people are unhappy and make a huge mess of the life that you so envy. Look around, you may find that what you envy is not worth having. Happiness comes from within, you find it hard to come out to others because you have not accepted it in yourself.

You are railing against yourself for being gay, for not being 'normal' well my friend you are as 'normal' as the next man. Love yourself, accept yourself and don't ever be made to feel ashamed or guilty for how you are, you have not made a choice to be gay, you are gay, its something you can't change, I couldn't change my sexuality, its how I was made and its something fundamental from within. Do take the advice of others and talk to the people at that LBG. You will find that they will be support you at this difficult time. I'm sure you will meet someone really special if you open yourself up to it and your life will become more enriched but you need to start loving yourself first. Good luck

Mayboy

Can you just love the person in your little heart - without loading all the social, personal and whatever other hang ups you have on top. Just can you give the real (gay) you an acknowledgement that it is ok right now, as it is?

Aseth

OP, I think you are too hard on yourself. Being homosexual is not a big issue anymore. You were born that way and maybe most of us are heterosexual but there's nothing wrong with being gay. I know several people who are openly gay and they are all well liked and accepted. I really feel you are afraid for nothing. Your family knows already. If you tell your friends - real ones will stay by your side and the ones who won't, I'd say good riddance. Don't push yourself to live 'normal' life, you will only be more unhappy. Accept who you are and if you feel you can't go through it yourself at least talk to a councellor.

swpb

Op your post is truly heartbreaking. It seems to me you are carrying shame of who you are. You have taken huge steps recently confiding in family and friends but I think this hasn't lifted the weight off your shoulders that you've hidden and carried around all your life. I think you should seek councilling and strive to accept yourself . Your talk of suicide saddens me so much because this would be so final and pointless. You are worth so much to your family and with councilling maybe you will feel you are worth so much to yourself too.

All the effort you've put into hiding for the last 25 years must be rechallenged into a new energy to accept yourself and believe you deserve happiness just like everyone else

I wish you luck and hope you can change your mindset with help from people qualified to help you on your new journey.

Stay strong and be happy x please don't hurt yourself get help xx

ongarboy

joythatisall wrote: »

I know there is something out there for me, something good.

Hi OP, I'm so glad you ended your very sad post with something uplifting and positive. It says to me that all is not lost.

You admitted earlier in your post that you know that the reasons you are feeling so low are primarily down to you rather than external factors or people. If you have the power to make yourself feel miserable (even if not deliberately), then I very much believe you also have the power to make yourself be a happy person. It involves changing your attitude and yours alone. Being gay is not making you miserable. Hating the fact that you are gay is. Two separate things. You can't change that you're gay but you can change your hatred of being gay. Only then will things start to improve.

I'm gay and that makes my sexual orientation different to the vast majority of people I respect in my wider circle (family, friends, work colleagues, neighbours). I could hate that fact and be ashamed of it but after years of coming to terms with it myself, I willed myself to be positive about it. That made me a happier person that spilled over and enhanced every other aspect of my life. It also made me a far more attractive proposition when making new friends (gay and straight) as well as meeting other guys and eventually my partner. If I hated myself (just for being gay), how could I expect others to like me. Your life can change so much for the better if you can change your attitude and the beauty of it is that you can do that. Please don't do nothing.

I strongly suggest you contact the Gay Switchboard (01) 872 1055 just to talk to a friendly, empathetic person on the other side. I'm certain you'll feel better after. Perhaps you may also consider counselling to help give you the tools to help yourself. I see that you desperately want to change your life for the better. That is the first and most important step. The next step is to start doing it. You deserve the happiness and much enhanced self esteem and also the new found strength that will come of it both for life's challenges as well as the good times.

Best of luck!

It also seems like the OP's negative views on how he will be treated are more perceived than anything else; he came out to his friends and mother, all of whom were positive and more importantly for the friends, are still there for him. The world is a different place than it used to be - sure there are still a few Neanderthals, but nowhere near as much as there used to be and their voices aren't as loud any more.

joythatisall

Hi All, thanks so much for all your advice and kind words, it really has helped me. I'm going to see a counselor on Monday to get things sorted.
Definitely more positive now.
Thanks again

Merkin

joythatisall wrote: »

Hi All, thanks so much for all your advice and kind words, it really has helped me. I'm going to see a counselor on Monday to get things sorted.
Definitely more positive now.
Thanks again

Well done, that's a great first step. Hopefully this will arm you with the tools to a. come to terms with who you are and b. give you the courage to be open about that. I wish you the very best, so glad you are taking positive steps. You owe it to yourself hon x

average hero

OP, homeboy - great to hear you're looking at things a lot more positive!

I'm a straight 25 year old bloke myself (who has been with plenty of women - worked in a meatfest bar haha, sports mad, outgoing type of lunatic :P ), but let me tell you one thing here and now. I COULD NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHO OR WHAT ORIENTATION my 25 year peers are. If fellas float your boat or you want to mount every female walking down the street, I couldn't give a damn as long as you can have a beer with your friends, or lend me a fiver if I need it :P. Point is - if you're sound, you're sound, if you're a d!ck, you're a d!ck - straight or gay, it doesn't matter.

I think that most people our age are like that and frankly if they give a damn, well then it speaks of their small mindedness.

Don't worry about conforming to ANY social stereotype such as being flamboyantly gay or an in-closet person, simply conform to yourself. Perhaps do a bit of travel, find yourself, visit gay communities in the UK or Germany etc and allow yourself time and space to find yourself.

Be happy in the fact that you are slowly making progress on the journey of finding yourself and realise that your journey is going to be different to everyone else's - so enjoy it.

You don't have to conform to my, his, her or anyone else's rules or expectations. You're the man (gay or straight) and your decisions will shape your life the way YOU want it.

Be proud in who you are. Carpe Diem.

Well done OP.

joythatisall

average hero - Sitting at work and just laughed at this. Fair play to ya! "If your sound, your sound"!!! Thanks very much, fairly brightened up my Tuesday

joythatisall

Update:
Told all my mates last week, it couldn't have went better and I couldnt have asked for better friends.
What a difference a few months makes, never thought I could do this.
You get one shot in life, so I'm choosing to not to get sad and depressed about this, If people don't like who I am, well then stuff them. I have all the people that matter now.
Thanks everyone for your messages, it really has helped.

Onwards and Upwards )

boomchicawawa

Good on ye! I wish you all the very best for the future. xx

Call Me Jimmy

That is brilliant news, very happy for you!

Delighted for you, OP. Heart warming news.

Merkin

Aw am so thrilled for you. Thanks so much for letting us know, am so glad things have worked out well for you, hopefully it will encourage people in the same position x

QueenBee1

Hi op I have recently went through this with my best friend who recently came out as gay he felt the same way you have described. You sound very lost and depressed and angry, it's like you have been shielding this for so long and expected people to react differently and now that they haven't and are ok your kind of lost as to what to do next. Don't despair, help is out there. Your GP can help, there are so many groups out there, one on one counselling, the boards community are also great. You need to stop putting pressure on yourself, everything will work out ok in the end just keep positive. If you want to talk about your problems you can always pm me. Best of luck x

QueenBee1

Just read your latest post after I had posted I'm delighted for you op as you said onwards and upwards

joythatisall

Thanks Everyone