Separating - I think???

Kashkai

My marriage has been dead in a emotional and physical sense for years. My wife is a cold fish who only saw me as a money supply and walking sperm bank when she wanted a baby. She never wanted sex purely for physical and emotional fulfilment. I've tried everything to make our marraige work but she just doesn't want to talk about it, how I feel, how she feels etc. We tried counselling in 2010 but she just wouldn't engage there either. Even the Counsellor said that unless my wife was willing to listen to how I felt,and to open up herself, there was little she could do. So this failed as well and we've just stumbled on for the past three years.

Last year, I sat down with her and said I couldn't go on like this anymore. I said I needed to feel loved and to feel wanted and I knew that I was never going to get that from her and I suggested that we part ways. If I thought she was cold up to then, I really got the full gale force of her nastiness, vindictiveness and spitefulness since. I have suggested that we try counselling again but she refused. I then said that we go to mediation to avoid a protracted and expensive legal battle but she has refused. She slags me off constantly in front of our kids. She carries on as if I'm not even living here. While I pay the mortgage and all the bills, and am therefore broke, she refuses to pay her share of things but never fails to let me know she's heading off on weekends or on nights out, ie, I'm having a great time at your expense.

I went to a solicitor who said that I couldn't make her pay half the mortgage or bills which I found unbelievable tbh. The Solicitor also said that I'd end up having to move out while still supporting my wife, who earns the same as me btw. I have tried to just pay half the mortgage and bills but even a threatening letter from the bank wouldn't make her cough up her share and so I had to pay the deficit. Now my solicitor won't return my calls or emails.

Where do I go from here? I'm sick of living with a woman who doesn't give a damn about me, or our kids for that matter seeing as she spends no time with them whatsoever. I'm sick of her damn comments about me. I sick of paying for everything while she's having a great life with whomever on her nights out and weekends away. She never fails to let me know how much she despises me (what I've done to her is a mystery, apart from telling her that I wanted love from my marriage). For the record, I've been entirely faithful to her, even though we haven't had sex or any physical contact for five years now. I've never abused her physically, or emotionally. The situation at home is now affecting my health as I've developed stomach ulcers and I haven't slept well for months now.

What do I do. She won't talk about this. She won't go to mediation. My Solicitor won't return my calls. I feel so damn trapped. I love my kids, they love me and I can't bear the thought of living without them. But I can't stay with my wife any longer as I cannot stand her anymore. The fact that I was honest with her last year and said that the marriage was dead, made her hate me I'm sure. She might be ok with a loveless marriage, which her parents had, and I only discovered after I married her (her family are great at keeping secrets like the alcohol and drug addiction and infidelity of her siblings, not to mention her parents hating one another while letting on that they were happily married). I bet she hates the thought that people will talk about how she is getting separated. She is perfectly happy carrying on the way she is so long as no one knows what our marriage is like.

Finally, I took my kids off on holiday in July without her. She had gone off for another of her weekends so I said stuff you and myself and the kids went to my Aunts caravan in Wexford where we had a great time. I got a text from her saying she had finally contacted the mediation service to get rid of me. However I checked with them today and they never received a call from her, despite her telling me yesterday through bared teeth that she was going to "finish me".

What is she playing at? She hates me, I'm not terribly fond of her either but she just won't do anything to finalise this marriage. I haven't the money to engage in a protracted legal battle, which she knows. I think she wants to just force me out and then she can claim that I deserted her.

I know this is a long winded ramble but I'm not thinking straight anymore. I've never felt so low and under so much pressure. I am so miserable and I can see no way out of this. I want to get away from her, but I want my kids as they're all I care about. I've only stayed this long because of them. From reading other posts, the advice is to separate as its best for the kids. I'd agree but leaving my kids with her is not best for them as she has no time for them and has hit and kicked them in the past during one of her temper tantrums. I genuinely feel she has mental/emotional issues but I'm past the point of caring.

Sorry for the long winded story but I don't know what to do. I have to get away from her but I can't afford to pay the mortgage and bills, support my kids AND pay rent elsewhere. I'm trapped and its killing me.

aujopimur

Get a new solicitor, if you can't afford one, apply to your local Law Centre for free legal aid.

Kashkai

I'm in that category of the "earn too much to get free anything, but earn too little to afford anything". 50% of my net monthly income goes on the mortgage and the rest on bills, diesel, food and the kids. She has €2,400 coming in monthly that goes on herself and her lifestyle. I have €200 left in my account to last the next 3 weeks. How can I afford a Solicitor as they charge a minimum of €100+VAT for a consultation. AFAIK, to qualify for free legal aid, your income has to be under €18k.

I think she knows all this and therefore knows that if she won't go to mediation, then that course of action is out. And as I can't afford to go through the legal process, that course is also out. There is no other alternative as far as I can see apart from walking out and leaving my kids which I can't do. If you believe anything I've said on here, believe that I love my kids more than anything and I can't just walk away from them.

I'm bloody well trapped with her and she damn well knows it. This situation suits her just fine as she has a nice house to live in and loads of disposable income, and the appearance of a marriage.

aujopimur

Legal aid is means tested, you may qualify for full or part aid. Don't assume you won't qaulify, go and apply, then take it from there.

my my my

no advice re legal/financial issues, seperation etc.

but for yourself take a week off, and think about things

good luck:)

stephenken

Have been there ! It's a legal minefield !

stephenken

Most important thing is not to involve your kids in the situation !

tayto lover

Speak to someone in the Family Mediation Centre yourself.
They will give you good advice.

desbrook

OP you have a very similar problem and disposition to a poster from a while back here - therefore my advice is going to be also very similar .

The reality is that cannot stay in the family home without your sanity and your kids well being suffering . Is that fair ? no, but that's the reality . Separation is hard on both parents in different ways and ways not always apparent to the other . For both of you the main aim should be to see your children through this transition . Accept you will be leaving . Your no-acceptance of this basic fact is the biggest reason your wife is acting the way she is . Simply forget the house (difficult for an Irish mentality) - the four walls are a source of torture to you .

Accept too that the kind of negative thoughts you have displayed about her in your post will not help you one bit . Simply stop fighting her and start acting yourself .

Your first action is to make a plan of action in conjuction with your solicitor who will advise of it's legal standing and likely consequnces . Where will you stay ? what space will you need ? what access will you like/can you realistically provide for the kids ? How much maintainance can you pay ? how much if any of the mortgage can you pay ? I fear that your solicitor is not returning your calls because you are simply reporting what a miserable time you are having ,what a b=t=h she is etc. and not moving to a point where you are ready to act yourself .

Once your plan is made you need to TELL her what you are doing and go do it . move that day . This will be the hardest part , there will be no going back . You will be scared but the reality is it has to be better than the misery your are living in now . It also has to be better for your kids .

Kashkai

Des
What you say makes sense but why should I move out? I'm a far better parent than her, I've paid the mortgage and bills for practically all our marriage, and I'm now absolutely broke. Where would I go? Sleep in my car?

I have not exaggerated my financial state. I have no savings left, and I do not have money for another place to live. There is no one I could ask to take me in. I couldn't leave my kids. That would break my heart and theirs as we are very very close, especially as mummy dearest has no time for them.

Why is it that the man gets the **** end of the stick while the woman gets looked after? Hand on my heart, she is a nasty, bitter, vindictive, and oh so spiteful individual who's only concern is herself. What mother would punch and kick their child. What mother would not take the time to read their child a bedtime story. What mother would take off for the weekend leaving her 12 year old to mind her younger sibling until I get home from work (following her last minute text message that she was going and that the kids are at home watching a DVD)????

I've been reading this forum for months now and the relationships one and its been a small comfort that I'm not the only one going through this. It makes me mad though when all I see is advice that says "you're a man, so you're fcuked". It's crazy that a self centered woman like my wife would get control over my kids and my life - lets face it, she'll look for the maximum maintenance for herself while keeping my kids in rags.

I know I'm angry but what sort of system allows unfit mothers to dictate separations?

tayto lover

You should have reported her to Social Workers OP for leaving your kids in the charge of a 12 year old child.
Keep records of all her antics too.

yellowlabrador

Go for advice. You might find that your children will get a say in where they want to be. You might also get half and half custody. Make your plans and move out , even if temporary, it'll give your brain a rest and you'll have a better idea how to solve your problems. Sometimes when your mind is in turmoil, you go round and round in circles, the idea is to turn the circle into a spiral (metaphorically) and climb your way out, by solving one problem at a time. Children are quite resilient and show them love and give them attention when you can.
My parents were in a similar position, my father spent every Sunday with us and he never said a bad word and was just there for us. 50 years later, I realise how he loved us and how those Sundays were the best part of my life. They were also the most stress free times of my life.

Kashkai

I'm sorry for my earlier rant but I'm so messed up at the moment. I have not been sleeping for months now and my health has suffered. This evening, I finally received a letter from the mediation service to say that she has registered and we are on the waiting list.

It took my breath away as I was convinced she was more than happy to leave me swinging in the wind. I guess she wants me gone.

Where will I go? I have no money literally. Will I end up in a hostel? How will I see my kids?

Jesus, why is this happening to me? I never did a thing to that witch, gave her everything she wanted. Put my own happiness on hold just to keep the peace in the house. God, I've never felt so utterly miserable. She's waltzing around singing to herself in the next room, knowing that I've just read the letter. I feel like running out of this house right now but where would I go? Christ I can't think straight. I'm typing what I'm thinking as its "good to get it out there" right? Sure as hell isn't doing me any good

tayto lover

Kashkai wrote: »

I'm sorry for my earlier rant but I'm so messed up at the moment. I have not been sleeping for months now and my health has suffered. This evening, I finally received a letter from the mediation service to say that she has registered and we are on the waiting list.

It took my breath away as I was convinced she was more than happy to leave me swinging in the wind. I guess she wants me gone.

Where will I go? I have no money literally. Will I end up in a hostel? How will I see my kids?

Jesus, why is this happening to me? I never did a thing to that witch, gave her everything she wanted. Put my own happiness on hold just to keep the peace in the house. God, I've never felt so utterly miserable. She's waltzing around singing to herself in the next room, knowing that I've just read the letter. I feel like running out of this house right now but where would I go? Christ I can't think straight. I'm typing what I'm thinking as its "good to get it out there" right? Sure as hell isn't doing me any good

Mediation is a fair and inexpensive (free actually) way of dealing with your separation. You will not lose and things will be shared equally. Don't worry you will receive enough to live on.

Kashkai

Thanks. I'm in a panic right now. My brother has told me to go to his place but that's 50 miles from my job and he has five kids of his own, without me moping around taking up space.

The only way mediation is going to work is if we sell the house as I can't pay the mortgage and pay rent elsewhere. However I can't put my kids out of the only home they've ever known. Then there's the fact that if we did sell, and clear the mortgage, if we were very lucky, there'd be maybe 20 or 30 grand left. Hardly enough to "start again".

The only small ray of light is the thought of getting away from her. But that little glimmer is soon swallowed up by the thoughts of not seeing my children.

tony1980

Pal, Have you any friends you can talk to? Maybe when the kids are gone to bed, call to a friends for a chat or go for a walk as it sounds like you need to get out of the house for an hour to clear the head. Try not to think of it for the rest of the night, difficult, I know, but the stress will kill you, you need some time out!!

tayto lover

Kashkai wrote: »

Thanks. I'm in a panic right now. My brother has told me to go to his place but that's 50 miles from my job and he has five kids of his own, without me moping around taking up space.

The only way mediation is going to work is if we sell the house as I can't pay the mortgage and pay rent elsewhere. However I can't put my kids out of the only home they've ever known. Then there's the fact that if we did sell, and clear the mortgage, if we were very lucky, there'd be maybe 20 or 30 grand left. Hardly enough to "start again".

The only small ray of light is the thought of getting away from her. But that little glimmer is soon swallowed up by the thoughts of not seeing my children.

Access is a big part of the mediation process.
You will not be denied access unless you pose a threat to your children.
You will have them quite often.
Don't keep stressing yourself out OP. You are clearly a good father and that will shine through.

Gerry T

Haven't read the full thread but one thing I would do is say the bills need to be shared. So pick out things that you pay that she benefits from if there are such things - if not then go for utility bills. Just stop paying them and say she has to. Ok that involves the kids, but then they are involved. They are living in that atmosphere so it is all ready affecting them.I know you don't want the kids in the middle, no winner in this situation. That doesn't mean she should get it all her way. What age are the kids

Kashkai

Gerry T wrote: »

Haven't read the full thread but one thing I would do is say the bills need to be shared. So pick out things that you pay that she benefits from if there are such things - if not then go for utility bills. Just stop paying them and say she has to. Ok that involves the kids, but then they are involved. They are living in that atmosphere so it is all ready affecting them.I know you don't want the kids in the middle, no winner in this situation. That doesn't mean she should get it all her way. What age are the kids

I've tried calling her bluff on the mortgage and bills before but she doesn't give a damn. I paid up in the end rather than have the bank sending threatening letters or having the electricity/phone cut off. I'm hoping that the mediation will make her realise the days of her getting her way on everything are over. Of course, she might then dismiss the mediation and go for the full legal route.

My kids are 12 and 6. They're the best kids in the world. Great fun, full of life but very well behaved. I hate the thought of them been dragged through this.

My brother is telling me to stand up to her and fight her every step of the way. I got a lecture from him tis morning about how I've let her walk all over me for years and its about time she got some of her own medicine. He reminded me of something my wife said when she was pregnant on our youngest, ie she said that "I shouldn't be so sure that the baby was mine". I was shocked by this at the time and when the baby was born, it looked nothing like me, and still doesn't. I've never really thought about this too hard as what would I do if my child wasn't actually mine? Just an example of what a hurtful bitch my wife is.

If I move out and can afford a place of my own to rent, I'd like to live close to work. However this would mean living 30 miles from my house. If I looked for joint custody, would this be too long a commute to bring my kids to and from school each day? It's a 40 minute drive btw. I just don't want to live round here and see my soon to be ex every day, especially if she were to move another man into my home. Seeing that would drive me crazy.

Gerry T

Sounds like you have feelings for her if you would be upset with her seeing another man, or is it that man been with the kids being the issue.
Best to look forward, mark the past as an experience, not the best but behind you. Its not a battle, its your life you need to prioritise, not getting even.
I would say take the lead, look to get out of the situation, I have no idea how much maintenance you will pay, probably less than it costs you at the moment.
The only big problem will be access, she sounds like she will be spiteful and make that difficult for you.

Another idea I have, but others may be able to advise on this, can you get a separation order, one where you stay in the house-citing you can't afford to pay for 2 households and are putting the kids needs above yours. The judge will look (i think!!) to see that you have separate room and you both pay equal amounts for utilities, kids etc... If she refuses to pay then you may be able to compel her through legal channels. That way you see the kids and keep out of her hair.
Just don't engage in any behaviour that could be seen as aggressive, not saying you are, but you could have a seperate living arrangement, doing what you want after the kids are in bed at 9.

tony1980

Keep a diary of everything pal, you can be sure she will!!

Kashkai

I got married for life, not until I got sick of her. It's not a religious thing, just my own personal way. However I have put up with her coldness, spitefulness and complete lack of emotional/physical love for years now. I do have feelings for her but I think it's more "Stockholm syndrome" at this stage, ie, I've grown so used to the mental abuse that its all I know by this stage. However I have a couple of female friends (both very happily married and nothing going on between us!), who have both said I'm a fool for living my life like this. They've kept my head above water by kindly pointing out that I'm well liked, have a great sense of humour and I'm a good human being. They've countered the negativity I get from my wife on a daily basis.

Yes, I'd hate to see my wife with another man and I'm torturing myself with mental images of this happening. Totally illogical I know and not very adult, ie she can see and do whatever she wants with whomever she wants and there's nothing I can do about it. I also hate the thought of another man stepping in as a surrogate father to my kids. I've seen this happen before when a former neighbour moved a new man in and in no time at all, he was the one bringing the kids for walks, to the playground, collecting them from school etc. if and when this split happens, I'll hate the thought of seeing someone else living in my home, or bringing my kids out and about while I fade from their lives. No matter how much access I get, I'll feel like my kids are slipping away and I'll miss out on birthdays, Christmas etc.

Part of me wants to get as far away from her as possible while part of me is terrified of losing my family. I did love her once, and I like to think she loved me too. But it's gone so wrong that I can't see a way back, mainly because my wife is a very unforgiving woman and any slight is punished for months. Of course she can never see that she hurts me. How many wives won't sit in the same room as their husband, won't sleep with him, have sex, won't hug him, kiss him, hold his hand? For the record, I've done nothing to her, nor cheated on her and I've always been there for her. She just didn't want me.

wuzziwig

God Kashkai what a sad post(s) from you. I really feel for you. I'm going through a very difficult separation at the moment. My ex DH is an alcoholic and he mentally/emotionally abused me for years. It took me 2 years to work up the courage to walk out on him. Walking out is the hardest thing you will ever do but for your own sanity and wellbeing you have to do it. You have to get away from what appears to be a very toxic relationship. Me and my kids are out of our family home. My ex refuses to leave and is happy to put up with his daughter sleeping on a rickety campbed in my parents house while he lords it in a four bedroom house. I didn't have to walk but I couldn't put him out either. So I did what I had to do to save myself and my kids from living in hell. And despite my far from ideal living arrangements I couldn't be happier. I'm away from him and all the crap that was involved in living with him. I'm re-discovering my sense of self and I'm actually enjoying life again. Sure your kids are the most important thing in the world but they also need you to be ok too.

Ok your situation is different because you will be leaving the kids behind. But you sound like a good father. I doubt there is a judge in the world that won't give you fair access to your kids. Hell my waster has pretty good access to the kids despite not having the first clue how to be a parent. Mediation is a good place to start. The financial side of things and access will be worked out fairly for you both.

Separation is a very difficult thing to go through. It's soul destroying, it's heartbreaking, it's depressing and many many other awful things but when the marriage is dead it's dead and it's far better to go through the hard times a separation brings than stick with that marriage. I'm 6 months in, my situation is far from being sorted but it's definitely getting easier and I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It might be far away but it's most definitely there.

I wish you the very best. You're not alone and I hope you can take some small comfort from that.

Santa Cruz

tony1980 wrote: »

Keep a diary of everything pal, you can be sure she will!!

It is very important that you keep a financial record of everything that you contribute to the household. It might be better to make payments from an individual account than a joint account as it will be easier prove your lodgements and withdrawals. Also keep a record of any interaction where there is conflict. If she is aggressive towards you or threatening be sure to apply for a Protection Order. It will do n o harm to have it on record. The day is coming where you will be in the family law court and you must have evidence to fight your corner. From the posts I get the idea that mediation will not work with her. Be prepared to face the worst.