Dealing with Break Up

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Basically, I've been going out with my girlfriend for 6 years now. We're both 22 and got together when 16. Lately, I've realised that I really want to get out and experience life more, and I don't want to be as restricted, and would like to be single for a couple of years and just do my own thing and focus on me, and be able to travel places around the world, regardless of someone elses schedule or what they can or can't do.

I've realised that I just don't feel the same way for my girlfriend as I once did, due to what I have said above. But I still do care for her and she is a really great girl, and I'm just sort of afraid of how hard the break up might be. Things I'm thinking about are such as all the cool places I've visited over the years, they were all with her, so all the good stuff I have done in the past years are associated with her, and I fear I'll look back at that and kind of miss her, but I do know that being single is what I want to. Then also, what about the ties she has with my family. She gets along really well with my mam and sister, that's another thing I have to deal with. This is my first time going through a break up, so not really sure how all these things work out.

I hope that makes sense but I'm just wondering how to deal with what I am going to do. I know I am the one who will be breaking up with her, and it means sympathy will be more towards her and people will think that it's my own fault that I feel down, but I just know I want to have my independence and not continue in my first relationship with what ifs, I know I'm young and I know when I'm ready to actually settle down (no plans until past 26/27) that I can live my life with no regrets, but it's still gonna be hard as hell to initiate this break up, and I know it's important that I don't string her along, because she deserves more than that.

I suppose I'm just writing this so people can see where I am coming from, and to make sure I'm not making a mistake breaking up with her, but I really don't think I am. Thanks all.

Son_of_Belial

Doing something like this is never easy, but you are only 22 you need to follow your heart. First off you need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you've just said. If you need some "Me Time" that's quite OK - that's not selfish. Maybe talk to her, tell her how you feel and lay it all out there. Not doing something you need to do just because it's hard is bad for everyone - you end up resenting her and then nobody's happy. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Doing something like this is never easy, but you are only 22 you need to follow your heart. First off you need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you've just said. If you need some "Me Time" that's quite OK - that's not selfish. Maybe talk to her, tell her how you feel and lay it all out there. Not doing something you need to do just because it's hard is bad for everyone - you end up resenting her and then nobody's happy. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply.

You're right, it isn't easy I just look at the future, and while she really would be perfect to settle down with, a feel it just is too early. I would like to go travelling for a year in 3 years time, and I know she can't do this, but she expects us to be renting a place and all by then, which is something I don't really want if I'm honest. Another thing I'd love to do is rent a place for a year or two with some of my friends, which I would be in the position to do from next year on.

I just don't want to grow up too fast, and almost skip my twenties, going from being in college to having a house and having kids and being married. But I'm afraid that I'm losing the girl who is right for me, but surely there is more out there? The joys of my first relationship

LegacyUser

Sorry to post again,

But just to add, when I first wrote this post earlier in the week, I was fully convinced breaking up was the right thing to do. Now I think maybe it isn't. But as I wrote the above, I then felt that it was. I don't think I'll ever be 100% either way, but because of that, I should probably break up, as if I'm not 100% into the relationship, I will have regrets in the future, regardless of how happy I feel with her?

DangerMouse27

No wonder your confused Op,, Ive read your posts and I'm tearing my hair out too! ha ha.

I started wondering what it was that you needed help with or advice towards? I mean, it sounds like you will be breaking this poor girls heart. For that your not going to get much sympathy from folks for that.

You dont sound commited to this at all, so for her sakes I would suggest breaking up and letting her get on with her life.

Id have to second Son of Belial..
"First off you need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you've just said"
coz thats just being honest, she surely deserves that at least.

Jessica xxx

OMG, I dont envy your situation one bit. Jesus Christ. 6 years is a long time to spend with someone and an awful lot to throw away?
This is not something you can decide over night, you need to think about this long and hard. Sometimes old flames can re-kindle after some years apart, but sometimes not also. You need to weigh out the pro's and con's.

If you traveled the world and returned a few years later you may be gutted to find her happily settled down in a new relationship??
This may be a silly question to ask but, would she not go traveling with you? Maybe you guys just need a little bit more excitement and adventure in your lives? Maybe this is not something you want, and you would rather travel with friends etc? I know lots of couples that traveled together and had the time of their lives.....

All i know is she will no doubt be absolutely HEARTBROKEN if you break up with her..... But at the same time she will have to respect your decision if she really cares for you.

Best of luck!

Legs.Eleven

DangerMouse27 wrote: »

No wonder your confused Op,, Ive read your posts and I'm tearing my hair out too! ha ha.

I started wondering what it was that you needed help with or advice towards? I mean, it sounds like you will be breaking this poor girls heart. For that your not going to get much sympathy from folks for that.

You dont sound commited to this at all, so for her sakes I would suggest breaking up and letting her get on with her life.

Id have to second Son of Belial..
"First off you need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you've just said"
coz thats just being honest, she surely deserves that at least.

I certainly wouldn't judge him for it either though and I believe he's doing the right thing. You seem to have come to a decision OP and you're taking this girl's feelings into account which I respect. The fact is, very few of us go through life without having our heart broken - it's almost a fact of life. You will break her heart but she will get over it (I don't mean that in a flippant, dismissive way, just stating a fact).

As someone who had their heart broken in my mid-twenties, some advice:

Be firm but kind when ending it. Don't chicken out when she gets upset (and she will get upset). You have to stand your ground and be true to your feelings.

Cut contact. Don't continue down the route of "But I still want to be your friend". It's not fair on her and will give her false hope that things can be patched up. As harsh as it is, you can't be friends with her for the foreseeable future. Maybe down the line when the wounds have healed but you HAVE to give her time to get over you.

Don't give her false hope and tell her that perhaps down the line you might feel differently just to make her feel better (and yourself) . Again it's not fair on her and it will give her false hope. My ex said that to me and I took it as, "Ah well then! He's not REALLY ending it then!".

Again I'll reiterate, NO contact, not even texts/whatsapps etc. It's incredible how much you can read into even a simple "How are you?" text in that state.

I think you're doing the right thing, OP even though it doesn't feel like it, so be true to yourself and be honest with her because she deserves that much. She will go through hell for a while but you're both so young and have both so much going for you and you will both get over it and move in with your lives but will have all those great memories you shared which will turn bitter sweet in time.

Good luck with it all and stay strong! Whatever you do, stick with your decision.

osarusan

The above post covers almost all of what I wanted to say.

I'd just add that after 6 years, be very very sure that this is what you want to do. It seems like you want to break up with her not so much because of the person she is, but because she doesn't fit into the life you've planned/imagined for yourself over the next few years.

If you are sure, be honest and be firm. There's no way it won't be painful, even for you, but less painful than a long, drawn-out affair if you didn't do it.