Lonely & Anxious- Advice Please

LegacyUser

Going anon for this (female, 25).

I'm finally deciding to post about this because I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so lonely. When I'm not at work (which I only do around 12 hours a week) I sit in my apartment alone. I don't go to town, I don't meet people, I don't go anywhere. I clean, I go online and I watch tv. The only person I have for company is my boyfriend whom I live with and who I love more than anyone. I know this is unhealthy for both of us as when he's not at work we spend all of our time together. I want to be a better person for him and for myself.

Over the last three months I've been dealing with serious anxiety/depression issues.

I worry about EVERYTHING. Stupid and insignificant things (like when will the laundry be done, what are we going to do for dinner etc) but other big things which are really affecting the way I see my life and my relationship. I can't just be told "I love you" without worrying and thinking "Well what if you stop loving me?" "What if I stop loving you?" . I can't just be happy with what I have without wondering "what if" something goes wrong, and it's exhausting.

I have trichotillomania (eyelashes and eyebrows) for 13 years and have had a really bad relapse of it both yesterday and last week which has shattered my self confidence. I even wear make up at home alone just so I don't have to look at the damage I've done to my face. It makes me feel ugly and worthless.

I already spoke to my GP who said I should try a counselling so I'm waiting on a referral for that. My boyfriend also said he would arrange hypnotherapy as he knows someone who does this. I know all of these things take time but I'm an impatient person. It just feels like all my worry and stress is building up to some sort of anxiety attack or breakdown. I had (what I was told was) a heart palpitation yesterday and it scared the life out of me. I'm not positive but I'm worried (see?) that it's because of the stress I'm putting on myself.

I have zero appetite, no desire for sex and just no desire to go anywhere or do any activities. Every time I think "right, no more moping!" and try to do something like practice one of the instruments I can play, I get frustrated after a few minutes and just give up.

I haven't been outside the apartment since Thursday, sleeping or lying down on the couch most of the time and I find myself wondering why so many people I know (some of whom are really horrible, two-faced and b*tchy people) have so many wonderful friends and places to go and I have no one.

My mum worries about me and told me last night that she doesn't think it's right or fair that I sit at home alone all the time, and suggested that I invite a friend over for company, but to be honest I don't feel comfortable with people in a one-on-one scenario. I have a person who is always trying to meet up with me but I just can't face being around other people. I know I'm complaining that I have no one and then when someone wants to spend time with me I just push them away, it's silly I know. I just feel as though I don't have anything to offer or to talk about.

People will probably suggest I get out there and join some clubs or groups or meetups but I've tried and I just can't muster the courage to do any of these things. I find it even somewhat scary to go two minutes over to the shop to pick up something, so most times I don't do it. I find myself fidgeting and wondering is everyone looking at me and always look at myself in any reflective surfaces to see do I look ok. It's ridiculous, I know it is, because people have their own problems to worry about and probably don't care about how another person looks! I walk to work which takes a half hour and it's always difficult. I have to listen to music to distract myself from the people I pass on the street and I walk the same route all the time. If I were to have to deviate from it, it would make me incredibly worried and uncomfortable.

I guess bottom line is that I'm lonely but I want to be left alone so that others don't have to see how broken I am. How am I supposed to overcome this and lead a normal life? I don't want to feel like this every day anymore. I'm sick of crying and worrying and just wandering around looking for something to clean just to pass some time. Most of all, I don't want to have this affect my relationship more than it already has. If I were to lose him, well, that would be the end for me.

Thank you for reading this and I hope some people reply, even just to have someone to talk to.

Merkin

Oh your poor girl, you are really having a very tough time of it aren't you?

I think you need to go back to your GP. I know that they are going to refer you for counseling but I presume you are a public patient if you are only working twelve hours a week - you could be on a waiting list for some time.

If you are having heart palpitations (a classic sign of anxiety) and have been unable to leave the apartment then you need to do something more immediate. Go and see your doctor again (and print out your OP if necessary) and ask them for some more immediate solutions. They may be able to prescribe you something which will help you cope until such time as you get an appointment with a counselor. I urge you to do this as a matter of priority, the help is out there for you but it's important that you go back to your GP and be very candid about how bad things have become.

Mayboy

Hi there. It is good that you got it all written out.
You have to look at this in a 'piece by piece' fashion. The overlying issue is the anxiety - a GP and Psychotherapist will help there hopefully. Linked to that is your self esteem and the physical issues that are causing the self esteem to plummet. Take it one step at a time - also please remember sometimes in life we are feeling down and we have to hit' rock bottom' to come back up. Would you try mindfulness meditation - I found and still find it superb for being in the difficult bits. Take care of yourself.

JuliusCaesar

You could have a look at the information about trichotillomania that OCD Ireland have on their website, they run support groups too. Even if you don't feel up to going to anything, there might be something useful or reassuring or that you could bring to the GP from their site.

lmos

Hello OP, Im so sorry you feel so bad. I experienced a bad bout of anxiety myself last year. Its so debilitating, and you feel so stuck. I couldnt sleep, eat or function very well, just like you. The first thing I did was speak to my GP, who was very understanding. I think this is crucial. There are specific antidepressants for anxiety, so he put me on these, just as a buffer, to help me get going/function again. I then paid to see a recommended Therapist. I would have had to wait for months otherwise. This was invaluable to me. I stayed on the meds just a couple of months, and when I felt strong enough, came off. I am like a different person this year and I still see my therapist when I feel the need. I dont know if any of this will help you. I hope it gives you a bit of hope and guidance as to what to do. Its awful feeling the way you do, but just take it step by step and congratulate yourself for taking each step. You've just taken the first one, by telling your story here, so well done. You decide what happens next. Taking control will make you feel better, I promise! The very best of luck. You will get better!

roseybear

I think everyone can agree u need to go back to the gp. Medication is not always the answer but it can really help things settle down to allow you to work through and tackle the issue - its very difficult to face anything when you are worried about everything!! Certain medications like beta blockers can be used for anxiety and in particlar the palpitations and they are not addictive. Antidepressants are nothing to be ashamed or afraid about. I found they worked really well for me. It allowed me to just deal with one thing at a time as opposed to getting worked up about everything. The counselling didn't really work for me but at that time I had not started medication. I feel if I had gone a few weeks after I commenced the meds that I would have been in a better frame of mind. It sounds like ur other half is very understanding and ur mum being involved is very important. You've done the worst part, getting started. There will be bad days and relapses but they will pass!! Its just a bad day, not a bad life.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I feel much better today. I started a blog about my struggles with trich and have received so much support from friends on Facebook which I didn't expect at all. Others even messaged me to tell me about their own struggles with anxiety and depression, and friends from years ago got in touch to offer their support and to say that they wished they knew years ago as they would have liked to have helped me. Even something as small as every "like" that my link to my new blog received (68 so far!) really picked me up and made a real difference.

I got out of the house today and went to work so the fresh air did me a lot of good. I work with children so their stories and enthusiasm for things took my mind off of my own worries.

I've booked an appointment for hypnotherapy on Wednesday evening to see if that will help at all. I've never tried it before and am looking forward to it. If things start to dip again I will go back to my GP and ask about anti-anxiety medication, but I'd like that to be a last resort.

Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate all of you.

Mayboy

Good luck! Huge step. Well done. :-)