Never felt accepted by anyone

LegacyUser

I've never felt accepted anywhere.
Despite being a decent guy (i think...); being funny (i can make people laugh easily enough); having a good job; and (if i'm honest) being more capable/competent than most (not a boast just something if i'm honest is probably true).

I've always been the blacksheep (from a young age, among my siblings). Always been the problem child as it were. Never had any real friends (i wonder if i have Asperger's tbh); always liked the distance, the objectivity that being alone afforded (if i'm honest). But i remain ambivalent. I've excelled academically and i've a good job now.
But f<Mod snip> it, i'm getting sick of being an outsider.
I'm actually fascinated by what kind of response i'll get here but i'm so tired of being alone, i just thought i'd post.

Thanks for listening.
If anyone can offer me good advice, i'll be be eternally grateful.

Why do you think you have Aspergers? There's a big difference from being slightly socially awkward and having a condition such as that. Perhaps you should pay to see a counsellor and discuss these problems with them? Seeing if they can refer you to someone that can test you for it, if you really think you might have it?

freshpopcorn

sick of being an outsider wrote: »

having a good job; and (if i'm honest) being more capable/competent than most (not a boast just something if i'm honest is probably true).

Hi
You might come across a bit cocky to people if you display this attitude. Even if you think you can hide a lot of people can pick up on it. I know a lot of people who think their great and often people don't get on with these people because they make other people feel bad about themselves. Whilst it great having achieved a lot, it doesn't make somebody a nice person.(i.e a person people enjoy being around.

sick of being an outsider wrote: »

''being funny (i can make people laugh easily enough)''
You might tell brilliant jokes or people might laugh just to be polite.

When you say that your the

sick of being an outsider wrote: »

blacksheep

I wouldn't worry to much about this often people are different, even if they have the same parents/upbringing. Some people might turn out shy/chatty/academic/rude/nice/etc. Their is nothing wrong with have a different personality to your siblings.

sick of being an outsider wrote: »

Never had any real friends (i wonder if i have Asperger's tbh); always liked the distance, the objectivity that being alone afforded (if i'm honest). But i remain ambivalent. I've excelled academically and i've a good job now.
i'm getting sick of being an outsider.

I can't tell if you have aspergers, you'd have to get this diagnosed by a professional.
When you distance yourself from people it's hard to make friends because your not talking to people/meeting people. You need this for friendships to forum. Then after time you get to know the person better and if ye have similar interests you might become friends. To make friends tough you can't learn it out of a book. You have to willing to make an effort with them.You have to accept their faults and show them you like them. You can't make the person feel their not as good as you because they haven't achieved as much. It is great that you have excelled academically and have a good job but if you want to work on your social skills you need to work on them and build them up over time.
I would suggest you join a club that you might have an interest in and make an effort with the people in it. Leave your job title at the door and go in and just talk to people about a match or something big news story. You might be able to build up a good friendship then.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Hi
You might come across a bit cocky to people if you display this attitude. Even if you think you can hide a lot of people can pick up on it. I know a lot of people who think their great and often people don't get on with these people because they make other people feel bad about themselves. Whilst it great having achieved a lot, it doesn't make somebody a nice person.(i.e a person people enjoy being around.

No i definitely don't display anything like this, (even if i thought it, say).
And i am very self-critical/demanding of myself so i have a keen sense of my own flaws.
And always want to work on them.

I actually just threw that point (about ability) in almost as an afterthought in my OP (may as well be as honest as possible if i'm posting here). No, the reason its relevant is i find it so hard to reconcile whatever aptitudes i have with not being with people more.
But as soon as i say that, i'm thinking, do i really want to be with people anyway.
I think i find it really hard to trust anyone tbh. I have this terrible tendency to view people with cynicism/scepticism (like i'm unconsciously subjecting others to standards i have for myself)
And i'm very slow to open up to anyone.

But, just say comparing myself to colleagues/siblings who all have full lives, i find it hard reconciling the fact that in so many areas i'm probably more/as able as them yet they "get on" more. And in this i don't mean just academically. I mean in temperament, conversation (when relaxed) etc. What i am is extremely reserved and slow to warm to people though.

But no, i am anything but cocky. As mentioned i am extremely reserved but i like that reserve. I like reserved, honest people. I can't stand "hail fellow well met" types/loudmouths. I just ask myself "why?", "who are you trying to impress". I should probably row back a bit from that attitude i know.

And the thing about "achieving a lot": that's, again, only thrown in there because it's just another example where i find it hard to reconcile this with where i am with people.

freshpopcorn wrote: »

When you say that your the
I wouldn't worry to much about this often people are different, even if they have the same parents/upbringing. Some people might turn out shy/chatty/academic/rude/nice/etc. Their is nothing wrong with have a different personality to your siblings.

Yeah, fair enough. I just wonder, on a gut level, sometimes if this simple measure (of being outside/other in a basic unit like a family) is as good a measure as any of that there might be something fundamentally different about me.
I've actually seen someone about the Asperger's possibility and the answer was decidedly equivocal. I think they were more puzzled than me tbh.
No, i've actually done a couple of those questionnaires (reliable ones- Baron-Cohen etc) as well and i've always scored in the normal range (towards the aspie end of normal but still normal).

freshpopcorn wrote: »

When you distance yourself from people it's hard to make friends because your not talking to people/meeting people. You need this for friendships to forum. Then after time you get to know the person better and if ye have similar interests you might become friends. To make friends tough you can't learn it out of a book. You have to willing to make an effort with them.You have to accept their faults and show them you like them. You can't make the person feel their not as good as you because they haven't achieved as much. It is great that you have excelled academically and have a good job but if you want to work on your social skills you need to work on them and build them up over time.
I would suggest you join a club that you might have an interest in and make an effort with the people in it. Leave your job title at the door and go in and just talk to people about a match or something big news story. You might be able to build up a good friendship then.

I think a lot of my problem is trusting people. I actually actively resist offers from colleagues to go out for drinks. I like to joke around but i can't get involved with anyone. It's like a safety in being uninvolved/objective/outside and it kinda suits me. So i'm very ambivalent. I can actually pinpoint a period in my teens when i withdrew from friendships/relationships thinking "ah f<mod snip> this, i'd rather do my own thing than having to deal with this". And i kinda stayed there ever since.

Taltos

OP - this is this second time we have had to edit your post for profanity. It is the last. Post in this manner again and this thread will be closed.
If you are unclear on the rules here please take five minutes to read our charter.

Thanks
Taltos