Opinions....

LegacyUser

Going anon for this.....




Where to start.....




Sex has never been as important to my wife as it is and always will be to me. Dont get me wrong, we had what I would call a good sex life if you were to average it out over the 17 years; some phases of great, some of not so great but it has nearly always been down to me to initiate it and to take the lead in terms of positions and different acts.

But its not just sex. Its all types of physical and emotional interaction. She very rarely shows me affection; hand holding, kissing, cuddling. Nearly never tells me shes loves me unless I say it first.

I have spoken to her about all this in the past numerous times but nothing ever changes for long. Shes just says that her family were never like that so she finds it hard. Without sounding childish, she tells our dog and child how much she loves them all the time but I have to ask for it. For the record my family were far from the Brady Bunch. I heard 'I love you' a handful of times that I can remember.

Anyway, for as long as we've been together her excuse for not wanting/initiating sexual contact has been that shes tired. She was 'tired' when it was just us and she was in college and I was working 2 jobs, she was 'tired' when she was working 37 hrs a week and I was working 50, shes 'tired' on her days off, on holidays and now since the child shes 'tired' all the time no matter how much I do to help. The funny thing is shes never too tired to go out with her friends til 12pm but she wont go out with me any later than 10.30 or I'll pay for it the next day.
(I dont begrudge her going out with her friends btw, at all, just using it as an example.)

So the last 6-7 months have been getting worse and worse. I've slept in the spare room for a lot of nights. I tried to hold out on sex to see if she brought up the subject. A week in I had to move to the spare room as I was not getting any sleep knowing she was beside me. I managed another 10 nights or so and not so much of a kiss. Eventually I initiated sex as it was starting to affect my life.

So, its not so much that we're not having sex as once I initiate it it happens maybe 85% of the time, its the fact that its always left up to me. After all these years I'm actually sick of it. It makes me feel like I'm raping her sometimes or like I'm not wanted by her. Sometimes I stop myself once I know shes only doing it to shut me up but sometimes its been so long I cant stop myself and I feel like **** after.( i dont mean actual rape)

The last bad patch was only a couple of weeks ago and throughout it I found myself thinking of leaving her. I started thinking about dating sites, looking at women in the street thinking 'she might like me'. I have never cheated nor would I btw. Once we had sex again all those thoughts went away. I dont want to leave her and my child, I just want her to be a bit more enthusiastic towards me. I'm in my 30s and have always said I would not be in a relationship where there was little or no sex. Life is so short and I'm young enough to start over if I had to. I dont want to at all but nor do I want to continue feeling like this.

I was not the best husband after the baby was born I'll be honest. Not the worst by a long way but could have been better. I wasn't ready for my life to change so much. I never wanted kids( i love mine to death and would never give them back) so it took a while to stop resenting my life. I'm over that a long time now but she has said it affected how she felt about me for a while. We've spoken about all that and I dont think it factors in to the problems at the moment. I feel I've changed a lot and do as much as I can to make it easier for her.

So, back to the feeling like leaving - even if I defo wanted to the child and the house would make it near impossible. I really couldnt leave my child. It would kill me not seeing them everyday or worse still another fella being in the picture. So it looks like I'm stuck with it as is.

I hope I havent come across as a whiny child.



Any advise? Ladies, your opinion?

Thanks

LegacyUser

This is very sad but it seems you were never sexually compatible, you got married and now you have a child together. There will be those who say you should make an effort, make her feel loved and do more work around the house but it seems like the sex part was never that important to her. You should tell her the sexual rejection and lack of emotional affection really hurts you as well as making you want to consider going elsewhere for this. I think she needs to know how important physical intimacy is to you and if it isn't to her and she is not willing to give it to you, you need to leave. Unless, she agrees to an open relationship. Sometimes people need to be aware that their inability to express their feelings with words or physical intimacy is very hard on the other person. Indeed, I would say to purposely withhold sex and to not share your feelings with your spouse is emotionally abusive behaviour.

I am a woman who used to be very bad at being affectionate but not the sex part. Someone I loved very much told me my behaviour hurt him and I'm glad he did because I just thought because I was the way I was, that was it. Instead I had to work on being affectionate, which was hard because my family is very cold. It has been tough but I can now tell him I love him and hold his hand, which I find hard but know is important to him. If he had not told me how I made him feel. I would not have changed.

LegacyUser

i have spoken to her about how it makes me feel and as I said things change for a week or so and then back to the usual

it wasnt withholding as much as just not initiating it if you get me, to see if she would initiate which she didnt.


thanks for your reply

Catari Jaguar

There is nothing you will be able to change in your behaviour to make her want sex, you can't do romantic things in exchange for sex. Millions of women have low libido, and I am talking early 20s here too. There is a lot of info here on NHS site and loads of articles from women's sites if you look it up.

I went through a phase of very low libido. It was because of my progesterone only contraception and also I was stressed and not feeling sexy, myself. I only have a very high sex drive when I am ovulating because my oestrogen levels spike. Apart from that I, without fail, want to have sex the moment I get into a hotel room.. Change of scenery I guess.

If you talk to her about this and say you want to work on it, she could comply. Don't pressure her, it could make her shut down or view you as desperate and that could be a turn off and make her disrespect you. Maybe she has fantasies you could share. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy so could buy new underwear or lose weight. Maybe she's self concious of her baby body so tell her she looks amazing. She might need to talk to a sex therapist. Maybe if she tracked her cycle she would know when she would be hornier and you could arrange a hotel for a night so that life's pressures are gone?

CaraMay

You see the same thing over and over in threads here where women were not interested in sex before they got married, the men knew that, they married them anyway and then complain about the lack of sex.

Op you knew she was like this and you are now expecting her to change who she is. You can't force affection do you need to decide of you can live the way you are or if you need to move out.

DangerMouse27

Hey Op!

I disagree with the above poster, yes you can change it. You can always help these things along.

I recommend doing sexually charged things for a period of a week or so, maybe a little longer. In no circumstance, can you initiate sex in this period. Sexually charged things may be a gentle massage, light caresses of her leg, arm. Gentle kisses on her neck too.
By the end of this, she will be driven up the wall!

Plus.. buy a new fragrance too and wear it during that period. Excite all of her senses.

Kashkai

OP, I could have written your post as you are describing my life too. My wife has no sex drive whatsoever. Even if I try to hug her, she puts her arms up to block me. If I want to just cuddle in bed, she moves away and says "you just want your bit". However I'm a lot further down the road than you as we haven't had sex in 5 years. Doesn't bother her but its destroying me. It's not just the physical side, it's the emotional rejection that's killing me. I've never been unfaithful but like you, I now look at other women and wonder would I be happy with them. A lot of women think men are just horny animals ruled by their penis. Perhaps some are but a lot of guys need to feel loved and wanted, just like women say they do. Our downfall is that as guys, we can't discuss this openly with one another like women can.

In my case, despite wanting my marriage to work, I can't take her rejection any longer. I need to feel loved, emotionally and physically and as I'm only going to have one life, there's no point in wasting any more of it with my cold frigid wife. For the record, I tried to explain my feelings to her but she just got defensive. We tried counseling but she again put the wall up and said there was no problem. I've asked her if she had any issue with sex, was ever abused, raped etc but she scoffed at this.

I have kids and a nice home and I don't want to break my family up. However I've never felt so utterly miserable and I crave some affection and love. I won't get this from my wife who won't even sit in the same room as me.

It's your call mate. Try talking to her. Try Counselling. Try anything to save your marriage. However if she won't at least meet you halfway, then leave. You don't get a second chance at life.

Last word, stop making her have sex if she doesn't want to. This will only make her resent you even more. It won't do your self esteem any good in the long run either if you're forcing her to have sex with you. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable act by two people who want to please one another. Anything else could be construed as rape. And that's coming from a guy who's been effectively celibate for 5 long, cold years.

LegacyUser

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

There is nothing you will be able to change in your behaviour to make her want sex, you can't do romantic things in exchange for sex. Millions of women have low libido, and I am talking early 20s here too. There is a lot of info here on NHS site and loads of articles from women's sites if you look it up.

I went through a phase of very low libido. It was because of my progesterone only contraception and also I was stressed and not feeling sexy, myself. I only have a very high sex drive when I am ovulating because my oestrogen levels spike. Apart from that I, without fail, want to have sex the moment I get into a hotel room.. Change of scenery I guess.

If you talk to her about this and say you want to work on it, she could comply. Don't pressure her, it could make her shut down or view you as desperate and that could be a turn off and make her disrespect you. Maybe she has fantasies you could share. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy so could buy new underwear or lose weight. Maybe she's self concious of her baby body so tell her she looks amazing. She might need to talk to a sex therapist. Maybe if she tracked her cycle she would know when she would be hornier and you could arrange a hotel for a night so that life's pressures are gone?

we do talk about it and it goes well for a while and then back to how it was

i tell her all the time how amazing she is and looks cos its true. i doubt she'd go for the therapist - shes very private. she would never even talk to her best friend about sex stuff.

we've tried the hotel thing and all she wants to do is sleep!

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You see the same thing over and over in threads here where women were not interested in sex before they got married, the men knew that, they married them anyway and then complain about the lack of sex.

Op you knew she was like this and you are now expecting her to change who she is. You can't force affection do you need to decide of you can live the way you are or if you need to move out.

i never said she wasnt interested in sex. i said we have had on average over the 17 yrs a good sex life, its just more recently things have gone bad. she was never great at starting sexual contact but she always seemed to enjoy it when we were young and for a long time.

but now its seems she'd rather be doing anything else

njs030

How old is your wife? I'm thinking could there be a menopausal issue?

Other than that do you know what form of contraception she uses? Maybe it might be an idea to ask her to stop using anything hormonal (condoms instead) and see is it that.

Finally maybe she is bored and just doesn't know how to tell you what she wants? There is books and other things that could help you look at alternative ways to keep the spark.

GonzalezT1000

OP write a letter explaining how this situation makes you feel.

If she doesn't want sex long term I believe she has a moral obligation to allow you to see other women on the side. It is incredibly selfish to tell someone you can't have sex with anyone else except me, oh and I don't want sex by the way.

Sleepy

Has she ever seen a doctor about her perpetual state of tiredness? Could be a lateral way to get her to discuss it with a doctor?

CaraMay wrote: »

You see the same thing over and over in threads here where women were not interested in sex before they got married, the men knew that, they married them anyway and then complain about the lack of sex.

Op you knew she was like this and you are now expecting her to change who she is. You can't force affection do you need to decide of you can live the way you are or if you need to move out.

So it's all the OP's fault? Rubbish. Men in relationships with women who aren't as interested in sex as they are don't marry them after being told "This is how I am and I don't want to change. Our sex life is always going to be ****e". They marry them believing their partners reassurances that things will get better, that they'll work on it together etc. While these reassurances may be genuine, it seems like far too often they're a bald-faced lie designed to get a toxic person what she wants.

strandroad

OP so from what you're saying:
- you have a baby/small child
- you haven't stepped up to the plate as a dad initially and disappointed her, although you are working towards mending it
- she's tired and aloof
- your sex life took a nosedive

What are exact timelines here? Can these factors affect one another? Are you sure your wife trusts you fully again? Who's taking care of the baby/child? You make it sound as if it was all up to her but there's a bunch of more complex/external factors right there... Looks like mediation might be the way to go?